Tell me boring dh is wrong

[suzysaysrelax]

I'll prefix by saying he's not completely wrong. I know travel with little dc is hard work but he is sucking the enjoyment out of life and I guess I'm just a bit fed up.

For context we've been married 5 years, I have two primary age dc from previous marriage and we have a 1 year old dd together. Dd is hard work. She doesn't sleep well and is a bit highly strung and tantrummy. However nothing out of the ordinary I'd say.

Life at the moment is relentless. We work, do school runs, go to bed, repeat. We have no help and never really get a break or the chance to go out together. On a few occasions I've suggested family weekends away/holidays (not abroad just in the UK) and am constantly met with excuses and negativity. How will it work with dd? She'll just cry. B&b wouldn't be suitable, nor would caravan because she'd cry and wake everyone up. Absolutely can't even begin to think about taking her on a plane. Her routine will be out of sync it'll just basically be hell.

I just find it so depressing and his lack of enthusiasm winds me up. Its also unfair on older dc who never get to go anywhere. The obvious answer is to go away without him but I suffer quite badly with anxiety especially surrounding travel and I'm also a very nervous driver on motorways. I've not done it for years. I feel like I need him on board because I can't cope otherwise. But he just isn't. I'm trying to work on my anxiety for my dc sake and with his support I would be happy to go away but he just comes up with a problem or negativity for everything.

Aibu to want to do stuff with my dc while they are still young? Is he just making up excuses?

Unless you can afford to go to a family friendly hotel with a crèche where you could leave youngest for a few hours (and maybe the others too) and get a break, I think your DH is right. And even with that, I could see being reluctant if I knew I was the one expected to drive long distances when I wasn’t getting to sleep properly.

I would be more tempted to spend the money instead on finding a nanny I could trust at home who would do a weekend including overnight. You and DH go out for the night and stay in a hotel. Come back in the morning after a good night’s sleep. Take the older children off for a day trip somewhere nearby but fun that wouldn’t really work with the baby. (That sounds a bit ambitious, maybe just one bit at a time - day trip with older kids one weekend. Overnight break for you and DH a couple of weeks later…).

You can travel with some babies easily so long as you aren’t expecting it to be like traveling without children. But if they cry all the time and you’re really suffering from sleep deprivation, it adds even more stress to an already difficult time. The baby will grow out of the crying, you’ll both catch up on your sleep, and then traveling will be easier.

So genuine question...did none of you go away when your dc were babies?

I went away many, many times when mine were little, but my kids slept well and didn't have tantrums. Your daughter is hard work by your own admission. I wouldn't have wanted to deal with that, either. YABU.

Don't put this on him.

It would be your choice just as much as his.

I'm trying to put myself in the position of someone who is married to someone with two children, and then we have a high-maintenance baby (which I wouldn't have done, btw, because there is no way I'd have involved myself in a "blended family" scenario).

In that situation - my husband, who won't drive on motorways, wanting me to go on holiday with two children who are unrelated to me, plus the high-maintenance shared baby, and expecting me to do all the driving: then nfw would I be going on that trip.

If, in that scenario, he said he would take his two older children on holiday on the train and leave me with the baby, I'd be immensely relieved.

You are in the wrong here, and you're even more in the wrong to try to blame him for it.

does your dh work full time and you work less than him? That in my experience means the worker is less in need of a break/change if scene and the non (or less) worker needs that change of scene and gets that the baby will cry wherever but at least you’ll get a bit more stimulation! (That’s the position I’ve been in anyway).

i don’t think either of you are wrong but maybe you could take your older dc away just for a couple of nights to a hotel that’s accessible via train? I took ds away aged 6/7 by myself to a hotel in western super mare that had a pool - it was great, we got fish and chips early or dinner in the hotel, breakfast was sorted and we could walk out to the beach. Also had movie night in with my laptop, he so appreciated it (even though it was December 🤣) and it was so fun. Even if you started with a travelodge for one night to get a bit more confidence, your older 2 would probably love it.

Firstly I don't just want him to come to drive me. I'd like us all to spend time together because that's what families do. He has been involved in older dc life for several years and had lots of holidays with them prior to our own dd coming along.

My diagnosed generalised anxiety disorder and fear of motorway driving is very real and 'putting on my big girl pants' isn't going to do much to fix it. But way to minimise mh issues. I'm working on it but really it's not about that, it's about dh not wanting to participate in family life.

I do take the points about babies being hard work on holiday though. I know this already from having two older ones.

To the pp who questioned why I don't have family...I'm an only child so no siblings. My dad is dead and my mother is around but has her own life and doesn't really get too involved with the dc. She might come with us if I put the idea to her. I have plenty of friends but as I say, most of them have their own partners (ones who actually participate in family holidays).

You are right, people travel with babies all the time.

We took DD to a holiday park at five months, she seemed fine with it. They are actually quite adaptable at that age. I wouldn’t want to take an under 3 month old but people do.

At nearly 6 months we had to take her with us up north for a funeral. Naturally more stressful but doable.

At 11 months we took her on a fam hol to IOW staying in a family room at a hotel. She absolutely loved it. You might find baby actually sleeps better on holiday, especially if there is sea air.

When she was 13 months I took her by train to holiday with relatives (less nerve wracking than going abroad or to a hotel on own but there are the kind of relatives that don’t get involved with looking after DD at all so they was definitely doing it all on my own and it was fine, although I did feel I could do with a rest when I got back😅) It would be a bit more difficult for you with three but I think baby would be easy to manage travelling alone than a full blown toddler.

I also suffer anxiety btw so can sympathise. I think organise something short like three nights. Close if possible. Consider train or bus is driving will add an extra layer of stress.

Also, this is why people go to butlins I think (still need to try it myself) my SIL often has to go alone with her set of rambunctious kids, there is plenty to do and if you pick the right week you can get cabin/chalets thingys quite cheap which might be better for you.

I'm working on it but really it's not about that, it's about dh not wanting to participate in family life

It sounds as if it is partly about that.

Your anxiety affects your family life. That's a big thing for someone else to take on. In this specific case, it means that your husband is the one who has to do the tiring and very boring (to use your word) grunt work - namely driving to wherever it is that you want to go.

Could you work out a compromise? You taking the older two on holiday somewhere on a train would be one compromise. You finding somewhere closer to home for you all to go on holiday so you could do at least some of the driving (on back roads?) would be another. You accepting that taking a high-maintenance baby on holiday might be best left until next year would be another - you could do all kinds of nice days out with the whole family this year instead.

Holidays aren't that much fun unless you actually all want to go on them.

The bigger question is whether your husband is having cold feet about having married a woman who already has two children. If so, he needs to be honest about that.

I think you are both being a bit unreasonable here.

My eldest was a difficult baby and has never been a good sleeper, youngest was better but obviously still woke sometimes. Travelling abroad and staying in a hotel room (or even an apartment tbh) would have been way more stress than it was worth. I'd genuinely rather have stayed home.

So we changed our idea of what was a good holiday and now do UK based self catering. We have done both cities and more rural this way and it works well. We get separate bedrooms, there is usually a bath, living room to relax in when the kids finally fall asleep, you can usually request high chair and travel cot. Go do some local activities - museum, zoo, soft play or whatever and go out for dinner. It's not particularly relaxing but has given us lots of nice memories.

Centre parks is great too and amazingly baby friendly. Costs a bomb though!

I do miss beach holidays in the sun if I'm honest. I plan to do plenty of those when they are teens.

I'm surprised how many people are saying your partner is right and it will be a nightmare. It might be hard because she won't sleep but if she doesn't sleep at home anyway surely it doesn't make much difference anyway? I took my 15 month old terrible sleeper on a long-haul flight to India to see her dad who was working over there for a few months. The flight there was absolutely fine, the way back less fine (but due to travel agent booking a night flight which I specifically said I didn't want as it meant DD being dragged around an airport hours after her bed time). It was really, really hot and not child friendly at all in many ways. But she loved seeing the wildlife and it was nice for me to have a change of scenery (and for us to see her dad).

Could you just book something and tell him it's done and you're all going? You could take it in turns to have day naps if you and DP are tired. Also could you co-sleep with her temporarily whilst on holiday, if she'd sleep a bit better? Appreciate many would say this might mess up a good routine but with my DD she was so awful at sleeping that this was the only way to survive, and she reverted very quickly when home to her own bed.

"The bigger question is whether your husband is having cold feet about having married a woman who already has two children. If so, he needs to be honest about that."

Lol I'm not sure where this massive assumption has come from. He seems to have more issues coping with his own child than my older two. We had many holidays with them before.

"So we changed our idea of what was a good holiday and now do UK based self catering."

In my op I did say I'm only interested in UK holidays for now. I miss going abroad but even I realise it would be more hassle than it's worth with a high maintenance baby.

Also should have said DD loved the trip in general, loved exploring around the hotel etc so even in pretty awful conditions as it goes she enjoyed it. So choosing a family friendly destination should be lovely for you all. Perhaps DP could take the two older kids for part of the day one time whilst there if DD is tired and grizzly.

Why not try it. Go self catering so you’re not as worried about others close by. Sounds like you both need a life shake up really.

I couldn’t live like this. We took dd1 4 and dtds 6 months to euro Disney, then at 6 and 22 months we went to Canada (stayed with family so a bit different). We did some lovely French caravan parks - perfect for young dc - and at 9 and 6 went to New York, Chicago and Wisconsin lakes in one holiday. Dc travel well because they fit in with us (with appropriate adaptations).

dd may cry but she’ll cry at home anyway so what the hell. Canvas holidays in Brittany or the Loire valley in a static caravan would be my suggestion but your dh might disagree.

We've been going away with our daughter since she was 6 months old, but only in the UK, we've got dogs that come with us so we don't go abroad. We've gone from mostly camping/caravanning pre-child to cottages and it works perfectly to be fair, we stay within a two (ish) hour drive now so I can nip back for work if needs be, and I don't think it's nice for little ones to be stuck travelling for hours unless they really don't mind it, we're in the midlands so normally go to the coast somewhere.

I would say it depends on your relationship/dynamic as much as anything, as a holiday is just an extension of that. I do a lot of the arrangements & planning and I do all the driving, really it's no harder work for my DH then it is at home, so I wouldn't expect him to kick up a fuss about going away (he never does), but if I was reliant on him to organise something from scratch I would expect him to be more resistant to the whole idea, as while he is perfectly competent if he put his mind to it, he's not a natural organiser and doesn't enjoy that side of things.

If you really want him to go, stop giving him options he can piss all over. Of course a B&B or hotel wouldn't work, (why even bring it up?) a caravan would be tricky so stick to only the ideas that would work for your circumstances. Find a place that would work, or a couple of options, sort out dates, and basically say here it is, this is when, this is how much, are you in? Added points if you can pick a location he likes or tie in to an attraction nearby that he's keen on etc, he may be more open to it, and may actually enjoy it!

If he says no, or makes unreasonable excuses then there may be more at play here, it could be that what he really wants is time together just the two of you, not more of the same as what you've got now but in a different location with added expense to boot? Maybe time to have a proper talk about things, otherwise there could always be an "excuse" when really he just doesn't want to go anyway for whatever reason.

we couldn’t take DS anywhere in the first few months due to covid, the week we could stay outside our own home we went to cornwall for a week with DP. DS was 7 months and slept terribly but it was nice to get a change of scenery.
we went on our honeymoon to Mauritius when DS was 16 months for 2 weeks. A 12 hour flight and he still woke up at night multiple times but we had a nanny for sole
hours in the day so that helped.
did a Eurocamp holiday when he was 20 months which was amazinggg! An overnight ferry and a short drive in France.
Currently expecting baby 2 and I would not be happy if holidays were off the cards just because we have kids. I would be fuming! Cabin fever if we have to stay at home all bloody year!!

What did you do with your other children before you got married to him? Did you go places with them solo?

TBH We never really took the DC anywhere except for day outings and maybe camping one night on a weekend until they were older. For the very reasons of not wanting to drive and drive and deal with crying babies. That's not a holiday and a complete waste of money.

I think if you want to go somewhere, take the older ones and leave the baby at home. The baby won't remember any it so don't feel bad.

I'm with you that it feels awful not to be able to plan a holiday with your partner when you want to. Ended a relationship over a slightly similar dispute - looking back, might not have been the right call but that's how important it felt!
If you really can't budge him, some ideas:
Going away just you and baby for a night - on train to visit a friend, city break in a premier inn - sounds weird maybe but I did it with my daughter loved the escape and different quality time with her. You'd satisfy some of your needs and test out how baby is away from hkm!
Leave baby with dad and take older kids somewhere (I've been eyeing up legoland hotel for example...)
Leave all the kids if you have anyone who can have them, for a day trip or overnight, and do something with your husband that you can both look forward to...
I always like holidays by the beach as it's a fun break from the norm but quite a simple holiday. Beaches are fun for babies in general, I think? Wonder if you could persuade him to that, staying in a cottage or apartment? Nights might be similar to at home but days would be holiday-ish!

Going by train could be an option to avoid the stress of car journeys...

Isn't it possible to get extra driving lessons to cover motorway driving?

YABVVU to call your DH 'boring'. Holidays with children, especially under 3 can be very much a case of same shit, different place.
Maybe because I'm not a 'holiday' person though. I like going away but don't get the desperation for a 'change of scene', especially not if I'm still cooking and cleaning while we're there!

Why not try somewhere close to home that you can travel by train to, without a very long journey/multiple changes? You'd be surprised at where you can go with a 2 hour train journey (unless you live somewhere very rural involving one train out to a main station).

Or bus?

I would honestly wait 6m or a year till your daughter is less hard work. Don't think it would really be much of a holiday at the moment....

You need to go somewhere where there are activities for the children? Airbnb or cottage wouldn't have worked when mine were young as nothing to do. My husband was the same and I literally dragged him to Centerparcs only to find that he loved it, kids loved it and we were totally relaxed. Take bicycles and a picnic to the pool and they can play all day -the kids come home exhausted. Plan your meals and take own food keeps the cost down too

Posted too soon, took my daughter to Centerparcs for the first time when she was 6 weeks old

I don't think either of you are wrong. I always took mine away but my friend didn't go anywhere until her youngest was 6.
She's not that bothered about holidays whereas they keep me going.