Tell me boring dh is wrong

[suzysaysrelax]

I'll prefix by saying he's not completely wrong. I know travel with little dc is hard work but he is sucking the enjoyment out of life and I guess I'm just a bit fed up.

For context we've been married 5 years, I have two primary age dc from previous marriage and we have a 1 year old dd together. Dd is hard work. She doesn't sleep well and is a bit highly strung and tantrummy. However nothing out of the ordinary I'd say.

Life at the moment is relentless. We work, do school runs, go to bed, repeat. We have no help and never really get a break or the chance to go out together. On a few occasions I've suggested family weekends away/holidays (not abroad just in the UK) and am constantly met with excuses and negativity. How will it work with dd? She'll just cry. B&b wouldn't be suitable, nor would caravan because she'd cry and wake everyone up. Absolutely can't even begin to think about taking her on a plane. Her routine will be out of sync it'll just basically be hell.

I just find it so depressing and his lack of enthusiasm winds me up. Its also unfair on older dc who never get to go anywhere. The obvious answer is to go away without him but I suffer quite badly with anxiety especially surrounding travel and I'm also a very nervous driver on motorways. I've not done it for years. I feel like I need him on board because I can't cope otherwise. But he just isn't. I'm trying to work on my anxiety for my dc sake and with his support I would be happy to go away but he just comes up with a problem or negativity for everything.

Aibu to want to do stuff with my dc while they are still young? Is he just making up excuses?

Of course people go away with small children, we certainly did and it was fine. Yes you could go by yourself but I do think it’s very unfair of him to expect you to.

That being said I do think you need to work on your anxiety and get used to driving on motorways. Not because of this but just because it would be helpful for you in the future.

It's a tricky one! If it's the first time you've all been away since your little one was born, why not try a holiday cottage close to where you are? Some of our best family holidays have been at a holiday home just 40 miles from where we live, but in the countryside and near a lake so it felt really 'different'. There was plenty of space, the house had a high chair/travel cot etc (no need to pack those things) and there were some cheap kids' activities nearby.

It sounds like you both need a break and if you remove the need for a massive long drive, it might feel more achievable.

When ours were little, we only went and stayed with parents/in-laws where there was childcare help from them. Otherwise it was no kind of a holiday and I'd hate to be paying to be trapped in a hotel room while the kids are sleeping. Such 'holidays' are way more boring than being in your own home where you at least have your own stuff to entertain you. We waited till the kids were older to properly go away.

I'm the same with the motorways and don't even like being a passenger much, but if I had to take the kids away without DP, I'd pick the 'avoid motorways' option on the satnav and take my time through windy back roads, going to a caravan park or somesuch within a couple of hours radius. If you want to do it, it can be done.

*That's windy as in winding, not windy as in gusty!

All things aside. Work on your motorway anxiety. Just start venturing out with kids, 30 mins this time, 1hour the next. I cant tell you how incredibly resentful it can make a partner when one has to do all the long drives.

He has anxieties over taking kids on holiday, you want him to work on that and change that, you should be open to working on your anxieties surrounding these things too.

Find an air bnb within an hours drive near a motorway and bite the bullet and go. You and your DH are a team right? Then just book and do it together. Get used to motorway a bit more before hand and just do it. You guys need to be able to show one another its not as hard as you think it is in your head. And enjoy!

I took my oldest abroad age 1 and my other children had there first holiday age 2, so by the time my youngest was 2 I had three children to manage on my own and it never stopped us getting away. It is all that kept me sane, having something to look forward to.

The one year old might tantrum but so will everyone else's one year old.

I would book a holiday abroad to a family friendly resort. Take them by yourself, how old are the other two? Mine were 7, 5 and 2 and the older two really helped on the plane etc.

I was nervous and scared but it is truly the best thing I have ever forced my self to do for my kids and myself. One we were in the resort it was amazing, no cooking, no cleaning, just a week of fun, they had my full attention and we all reconnected.

With dc1, who sounds like your youngest - no we didn't, it would have been as your described - a nightmare. We did a few things for weddings and every time said 'never again'. It was far more stressful than being at home

By 2 it was better so I would just wait a year if you are giving an honest appraisal. Some children do make it near impossible to travel, it is unfortunate for older siblings but that is what happens when you have a baby sometimes. It will be fine in a year

If you have anxiety about driving on motorways, then driving on motorways with the kids is not the answer, however short the time is for. It's not about 30mins or 8 hours. It's absolutely terrifying and quite dangerous for someone with anxiety about it to be behind the wheel in the thick of it. There may be ways to conquer it, but a casual - try it, you'll get over it - is not going to work. Personally, I prefer to avoid them and go on other less anxiety-inducing routes.

Can you get public transport? I know you say your 1 year old is difficult but there are places centred around children and you would be able to swim, there's entertainment, outdoor play areas, soem have soft play so at least they would be enjoying some parts. If it's a disaster you know not to try again until they're older. The older kids might hear the baby crying in the night but they'll cope for a few nights. If your DH genuinely doesn't want to go I would go by train/bus & make the most of it. It would be easier if there's 2 of you so someone can do activities with the older kids & someone can stay behind helping the baby nap etc. but I've travelled many places on my own with DD and even if its sometimes a bit miserable its better than being miserable at home!

I struggled with the young baby part of parenting. DD had silent reflux and screamed a LOT, i had PND for 18 months. And sometimes it was just exhausting and miserable. We tried a few non-challenging holidays...a few days in my aunt's caravan at 4 months, Spain in my parents apartment at 8 months, then more from about 12 months. I would say they weren't all relaxing the whole time of course, but each holiday was totally worth it. The seagulls waking us all up at 4am on the caravan roof weren't welcome at all, but hearing the cute noises DD made when she saw the sea was lovely. The unsettled tummy she had the first few days in Spain was a bit of a worry, but her first taste of ice cream at a beach restaurant was memorable. She was teething at 18 months when we went to Menorca and ate nothing for days and didn't sleep, but when her mouth was OK, she toddled around and giggled her head off and charmed the locals and just loved swimming in the sea. She walked her first steps in the snow in Austria, and there began her love of apple strudel. And for me and DH, it was hugely valuable to be able to do this things and know it was the start of living our lives as this new family, as we fought our way out of that early survival mode haze. The point I'm trying to make is that it's tough early on and it's hard to find the fun and see a way out, but I believe you have to start, just try. I can't imagine talking to DD now (12yo) about her early years and saying 'well we didn't really do much or go anywhere because it was all too difficult'. She loves knowing about when she first tasted strudel, or what had happened the day of the photo in a gorgeous white dress completely stained with cherry juice because she gorged on them at a spanish market and we let her because she hasn't eaten for days. The video of her running in and out of the sea in Guernsey in her pink wellies. She might not remember any of it, but it's part of the fabric of her growing up. You have to let it start.

So YANBU, in summary! Nothing will ever be fun if you don't allow it to start.

@araiwa but why should you necessarily feel refreshed and relaxed? Yes, holidays pre kids/with older kids are refreshing, but life with children isn’t like that. Sometimes you have to do things that are good for the children even if it isn’t your ideal. If you have time and money to give your children a range of experiences ‘it will be hard work’ isn’t a great reason not to.

My grandaughter sounds like your dd, not an easy baby at all. She did go on holiday but it was a nightmare for all the reasons your H has said. It was the same old, same old, dealing with a highly strung, crying baby who didn’t sleep, but in a caravan 🤣

She was a different baby at two and they’ve gone on a holiday abroad and several weekends away in hotels, and had fantastic time. So this year I’d leave baby with dad and go off with your elder two. Next year will be very different!

Do you go for days out altogether?

Now that the weather is improving try that. DD might love going out and about - it will wear her out and she might like the stimulation of new, fun places to explore. That might make him see that holidays are doable

Such a shame that they interspersed with the genuine, helpful comments there are the typical bitchy comments about me not being able to drive on the motorway. Yes I know it's pathetic, yes I am embarrassed and ashamed. It came from a bad experience I had when I was a young driver and I've never dealt with it. And really, I wouldn't feel particularly safe and confident experimenting with 70mph speeds with 3 kids in the car.

And for those suggesting that dh somehow has to care for me because of my anxiety...so wrong. I hide it from him and the kids as much as possible. I'm not some jibbering wreck who can't function. If anything my anxiety makes me want to avoid things like this but I know if I don't push myself it'll become worse. I would just feel more comfortable with some support. And I would also feel happier doing things and making memories as a family.

Thank you for all of the useful comments, it's given me some ideas for holidays. I'll be stepping away now because the bitchy, personal comments seem to be taking over a bit and they are neither factual or useful. I swear some people just enjoy being contrary.

So does that apply to the op and the restrictions she's putting ok everything and blaming everything on her husband too?

It's ok I'll just put my big girl pants on, that'll help me in the middle lane at 70mph with my young family in the back

(Thank you, you understand. It's tragic and very un-modern-womanly of me to rely on a man in this way but we all have our issues don't we.)

gawd how miserable he sounds!

we travel all the time with our now 2 year old! she's recently been to Japan - that's the furthest we've went so far

she has been on 30 flights ( a lot of those to be fair were only to Ireland to visit family so not long haul!)

I appreciate travelling with 1 is easier than with 3 like you have

Our 2nd baby is coming soon and we are going interrailing with both kids in the autumn for 6 weeks.

The way we see it is that it's still worth the trip and to have a holiday even if it's way more difficult / have the crying baby putting up blocks etc - but it's still way better than everyday life at home!

i'd be off on my own if I were you and start having a life

I think you need to work on your anxiety first. It could well be the reason he doesn’t want to go is that supporting your anxiety is the reason he doesn’t want to go, as it must cause a lot of extra work from him, and vigilance on his part to make sure things are going smoothly

I don’t think it’s fair to call someone boring for not wanting to go away if, say, they’re expected to do all the driving, or would have to be on constant sole duty on a plane whilst you focus on controlling your anxiety.

I don’t know, I don’t know them 🤷‍♀️. But if she has an actual mental illness restricting what she can do, and he just can’t be arsed, then he is the problem.

I presume your baby is not a screamer and 'tantrummy'? That would make your travel much easier.
Otherwise if Your baby is a screamer and 'tantrummy' You are utterly selfish to take her on 30 flights where she would disrupt other passengers.

Hit an miss @ZeroFuchsGiven she was fine on the long haul 13 hour flight - but on the way back had a few moments but thats life

She threw an absolute freaker on the last flight i had dublin to london - I was on my own - i literally had to lift her up under one arm and carry the buggy in the other and drag her on to the flight - it was horrible! but she calmed down after a while once we sat down and i found a chocolate bunny in my bag as distraction!

I have no choice but to take her on a lot of flights if i want to see my family.

I don't see how its selfish - babies cry - if you are travelling without a child you can put headphones on and drown it out.

I’m not sure it’s fair to say he’s boring. Especially as he was happy to go on holidays with the older children.

My DS was a high needs baby and I couldn’t summon the enthusiasm to leave home and transport all our problems to an unfamiliar environment until he was about 3.

I felt it was a total waste of money to take a holiday, and I would have also had to do all the driving. I knew I’d just come back feeling wrung out by it all.

If he’s saying ‘no more holidays EVER!’ Then of course he’s being unreasonable, but if he just wants to wait a bit for baby to come through the screaming stage, fair enough.

If you’re feeling bored with life could you do some cool day trips with your older kids? Maybe using the train or buses? I used to get anxious about going to new places without another adult, but when I split from DS’s dad I started small by going to local attractions and built it up. Now I’m pretty comfortable wherever I go. I quite like having days where it’s just me and DS too, even though his step dad, my dp is amazing.

I know it would be difficult but could you find someone willing to do some baby sitting so you and your DH can hang out and have some fun together? Having a crier is really stressful. So you both deserve some down time.

To be fair, calling your husband boring in your post is pretty bitchy too 🤷‍♀️

She isn’t selfish! Babies cry, if you don’t like that then don’t use public transport.

Holidays with young children really are same shit, different location.

After one horrendous week in a caravan in Cornwall, where 18 month DS woke up at 5am every day and by the second day was bored of all the toys we'd brought with us, I swore never to write off the idea of going on holiday again until the kids were older.

The next time we went away he was 3.5 and it was fine.

Honestly, I'd save yourself the money, aggravation and disappointment.

Both of your apparent anxiety around travel in general needs addressing as a separate issue though.