Tell me boring dh is wrong

[suzysaysrelax]

I'll prefix by saying he's not completely wrong. I know travel with little dc is hard work but he is sucking the enjoyment out of life and I guess I'm just a bit fed up.

For context we've been married 5 years, I have two primary age dc from previous marriage and we have a 1 year old dd together. Dd is hard work. She doesn't sleep well and is a bit highly strung and tantrummy. However nothing out of the ordinary I'd say.

Life at the moment is relentless. We work, do school runs, go to bed, repeat. We have no help and never really get a break or the chance to go out together. On a few occasions I've suggested family weekends away/holidays (not abroad just in the UK) and am constantly met with excuses and negativity. How will it work with dd? She'll just cry. B&b wouldn't be suitable, nor would caravan because she'd cry and wake everyone up. Absolutely can't even begin to think about taking her on a plane. Her routine will be out of sync it'll just basically be hell.

I just find it so depressing and his lack of enthusiasm winds me up. Its also unfair on older dc who never get to go anywhere. The obvious answer is to go away without him but I suffer quite badly with anxiety especially surrounding travel and I'm also a very nervous driver on motorways. I've not done it for years. I feel like I need him on board because I can't cope otherwise. But he just isn't. I'm trying to work on my anxiety for my dc sake and with his support I would be happy to go away but he just comes up with a problem or negativity for everything.

Aibu to want to do stuff with my dc while they are still young? Is he just making up excuses?

@suzysaysrelax I can't believe people are having a dig because of your MH issues. Fuck them.
Have you thought of going on an organised coach trip with eldest? I really enjoy them and they're good value. Legoland etc..

@suzysaysrelax or even the lake district and suchlike? Mine have always loved those sorts of holidays. There's coach trips to them.

We first took DD away aged 5 months for 1 month in a PI. Her first holiday was a month later, in a caravan on a holiday park. We took DD away every year in the UK, usually 3 nights in a PI at Easter to visit friends, and a week in a caravan.

Cornwall when a baby (from Devon) and then Camber Sands and Mablethorpe, both several hours drive from us. We took her to Peppa Pig World 3 times when she was aged 3-4.

The holiday parks are great, as you have swimming and various other entertainment available.

Your DH is being miserable to refuse to go anywhere. If you could afford it you could rent a cottage. DD may even be better on holiday due to change of scene, sea air, running around more etc.

He should at least try it and see how it goes. If he won't then do something for yourself. We have stayed in great PI's right on the seafront at Exmouth and Weston Super Mare and travelled by train.

I understand the motorway thing, I am the same, I don't drive on the motorway, I hate it and I never had any lessons or any need to do it for years, then XH always used to drive and now I don't do it as I do not feel confident.

If you are not confident then you are a risk to yourself and other road users, so ignore any name calling, you always get it on these threads, but you are doing the right thing. If you want to overcome it, then have some motorway lessons as suggested.

I plan routes by non motorway roads, and we go to some places by train just for a change sometimes.

This is not a relevant point. Families do go away on holidays with young children. Some love it, some hate it, some are in between. Check out numerous other threads on Mumsnet semi-regularly.

But it doesn't matter what other families do. It depends on your parenting style, your expectations of the holiday, the amount of money you have available to spend ... all sorts of things. It's irrelevant to turn around to your husband and tell him that other people take their babies on holiday and enjoy it, or for him to say that other people do it and don't enjoy it.

We went away on a family holiday last year with extended family. There were four children in the group between 8 months - 18 months. Two of them sharing the same house and are one month apart in age, so literally had the exact same experience in terms of travel, accommodation, food, activities etc. Their two sets of parents had very different views of how it went. One loved it, one hated it.

Maybe a holiday is right for your family, maybe it isn't. But that's nothing to do with what other families do, except where they have specific advice about how to make it easier.

You both sound like you keep making excuses. Him with the inconvenience around the baby, you with the travel anxiety.

You don't really sound like you want to travel, just vent. Sorry if I'm wrong

We took year old twins abroad with no extra family with us to help! Of course it is possible. I will say it wasn’t exactly restful, but it was a change! I do not think you are being unreasonable at all. If you go to a cottage then you can pretty much stick to dd’s routine and at least get out for walks on the beach/local town etc.

Thinking about it we did Centre Parcs when the twins were only a few months old - it was quite a drive and we took both cars as we had so much stuff.

I appreciate both of your concerns and anxieties, but I would have gone nuts stick at home. It’ll probably do you all some good to have a change of scenery. Some little ones are more challenging than others - one of mine seemed to cry nonstop, but it doesn’t last forever and you still have to live. She will be picking up on your frustrations too.

Before you married your DH, did you not take your own 2 anywhere alone?

When ours were those ages, we rented cottage in Devon or Cornwall or somewhere else that's easy to get to. So much there for children and (keep the snacks and water/juice flowing to stave off Hangry episodes they were worn out by the time we got back to base.. and we cooked nice meals etc. It was a break for everyone from the routine. I think you should try it. With no expectations so that everything that works is a bonus. I found ours really benefitted from the extra attention ( not having to be at the childminders for the day etc. )

Yes, people travel with small kids all the time! I've been on many flights, trains, buses etc and seen parents with multiple young kids. I have travelled with mine loads, since they were 12 weeks, and I think you just have to make the best of any bad situation that arises and not care about tantrums or whatever, just get on with it and try and have as much fun as possible. Often my partner doesn't come and I have enlisted a friend or and family member to help and I always pay for them as an incentive. We always have a lovely time! And yes, it is a bit sad that he doesn't really want to partake in family holidays right now but if he doesn't, he doesn't! By the sounds of it you aren't going to change his mind, so maybe just let him be a grouch, take them by yourself and have a fabulous time! 😚 Good luck xxx

Why don’t you take some driving lessons specifically on motorways and ‘big scary roads’. My DM did this, after four she was completely confident and it gave her ( and me) some good outings without relying on my lovely DD.

Hire a holiday let, take a train and enjoy a break, with or without him

We’ve taken our DD away from being a baby and whilst it can be hard, the memories are gorgeous.

If I’m going to be sleep deprived, I’d rather be somewhere beautiful.

We never book restaurants, just wander until she finally snoozes!

Do it!

We went away with two colicky non sleepers. That's not really a good excuse for your DH, however, challenging tots and an anxious traveller... I would rather solo travel with colicky quins than one anxious traveller. I don't think your DH is unreasonable on that one. I feel for you that travelling makes you anxious but travelling with an anxious person is like travelling with a dementor, it steals all the joy and ratchets up the stress. Its not a good way to start a holiday nor end one. You need to do the work on your anxiety first. If he still doesn't want to travel once you have that in hand then he is definitely being unreasonable.

Oh I'm so happy to read that you believe all step parents should be placed on a pedestal for being with a person with kids. You realise single parents aren't charity cases right? It's not a "beggars can't be choosers" kind of deal. Its not a put up and shut up and just be grateful someone wants you and puts up with your kids kind of deal either... human beings don't lose value because they have kids. You sound like those cringy "alpha male" types that say stupid bs like "fat women, poor women, disabled women, single mothers are sub par and should have low standards and be "grateful" any man wants them". The fact your doubling down is gross.

And again HE IS BORING at least by OP's standards (ohh imagine a single parent having standards 😬 next she'll be having wants and needs and looking to be treated with the same respect a partner without children could expect). You specifically said he doesn't deserve to be called boring since he provides for her kids that aren't his, which implies if she didnt have older kids it would be ok to expect him to make more of an effort, your only argument in his defence was that he was a step parent and the bare minimum is enough. He wants to stay at home and do nothing with the kids over the holidays because it might be hard. How long should this go on? No family holidays until youngest is 3? 4? So older kids miss out, and how old are they now? How many years has op left before her older kids are teens? Even pre teens are too cool for most family stuff, I've a 13 year old, 7 year old and a baby the window is short, I didn't suspend holidays when middle child was a baby/toddler and I'm not suspending them now with a new baby, my oldest DC's won't miss out because I decided to have another child, their childhoods still matter, family time is still important... but forget her older kids right because he's already going above and beyond for even providing in the first place. Older kids shouldn't get a family holiday until his bio child suddenly becomes "easy" which might not happen for years.

Has dh said anything else

Plenty of families travel without cars

My kids were very disturbed sleepers when young and we still went away. It was something to look forward to. It sounds like you need that OP. We went to Butlins when my baby my 2 months old and had a lovely time even though I was knackered. Book something like that, somewhere with kids activities and expect your husband to come. If he doesn't take the kids anyway.

Well I think yanbu op.

My second baby was miserable and a poor sleeper, but we still went away on holiday, not abroad but UK trips.

Why should op have to go on holiday on her own because the husband is being negative?

You're both right. A holiday with kids is just looking after them someplace else, still awful but with less resources. If you don't have relatives or friends that can babysit even for one night you'll be better off making a plan for when she's a bit older.

Blimey chip much!!

As for you claiming he’s boring, your post was so dull I didn’t even read it!

I do sympathise with your husband here. Mine are 4 and 8, and we still haven't been on a holiday abroad yet. We used to go at least twice a year before kids. I think chasing a 1 year old round a pool all day would be hell on earth, personally.

can you sit down and chat about expectations for when he thinks he can go away? I’d be slightly concerned there’s always a reason to not go with a child (they’re harder when they’re moving around/ toddling but then when they hit 4 you pay more etc) so I’d want to know when he’d be up for it?

Also maybe look at day trips first/ days on the train if you went alone with the kids? Then build to an overnight stay?
We/ I have taken our (now 4) year old abroad/ travelling since he was born and to be honest it’s logistically easier when he was younger and he’d just love the excitement of travelling and all the people. I think kids adapt way more than we ever expect them to in new circumstances so I agree with you it can be done ☺️ hope you find a happy medium!

You DH definitely sounds like a ‘glass half empty’ person. For some people, that’s just their personality. If you love him, you’ll just have to accept that about him. I’m definitely a ‘glass half full’ person and would always tell people to go on holiday with the kids! Kids are always different on holiday, and usually are so excited during the day, by the end of the day they’re exhausted and sleep better than they would at home! We took our kids to Butlins a few times when they were small toddler age and they loved it, so much to do, and we got the meal plan so I felt like I was getting a break as I didn’t have to cook everyday.

I also do all the driving as I prefer it that way. I know some who’ve said it would be unfair for DH to do all the driving but I don’t agree - I enjoy driving and always do all the driving when we go away, so I don’t see the problem with that.

I think if you really wait years and years before you go away with your kids, life would really be boring. Road trips are exciting and break the monotony of everyday life (especially if you don’t have family around to give you a break for the odd night out together!)

I have to say holidays with a child that still naps were the ones I found hardest. My youngest was also not a fan of sleeping anywhere except his own bed. So I can’t say I’d rush to holiday with small children again. And that feeling of panic when you’re away having a tough time is also something I experienced and it’s hard to get past that.

That said, my ex had serious MH issues, and that level of negativity and ‘what ifs’ is very demoralising, even though ironically he was usually okay about going away. It’s tough living with that.

I feel for you that travelling makes you anxious but travelling with an anxious person is like travelling with a dementor, it steals all the joy and ratchets up the stress. Its not a good way to start a holiday nor end one. You need to do the work on your anxiety first. If he still doesn't want to travel once you have that in hand then he is definitely being unreasonable

This is very sensible.