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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tell me boring dh is wrong

202 replies

suzysaysrelax · 16/05/2023 18:47

I'll prefix by saying he's not completely wrong. I know travel with little dc is hard work but he is sucking the enjoyment out of life and I guess I'm just a bit fed up.

For context we've been married 5 years, I have two primary age dc from previous marriage and we have a 1 year old dd together. Dd is hard work. She doesn't sleep well and is a bit highly strung and tantrummy. However nothing out of the ordinary I'd say.

Life at the moment is relentless. We work, do school runs, go to bed, repeat. We have no help and never really get a break or the chance to go out together. On a few occasions I've suggested family weekends away/holidays (not abroad just in the UK) and am constantly met with excuses and negativity. How will it work with dd? She'll just cry. B&b wouldn't be suitable, nor would caravan because she'd cry and wake everyone up. Absolutely can't even begin to think about taking her on a plane. Her routine will be out of sync it'll just basically be hell.

I just find it so depressing and his lack of enthusiasm winds me up. Its also unfair on older dc who never get to go anywhere. The obvious answer is to go away without him but I suffer quite badly with anxiety especially surrounding travel and I'm also a very nervous driver on motorways. I've not done it for years. I feel like I need him on board because I can't cope otherwise. But he just isn't. I'm trying to work on my anxiety for my dc sake and with his support I would be happy to go away but he just comes up with a problem or negativity for everything.

Aibu to want to do stuff with my dc while they are still young? Is he just making up excuses?

OP posts:
imanitheprophet · 16/05/2023 22:15

suzysaysrelax · 16/05/2023 21:16

"The bigger question is whether your husband is having cold feet about having married a woman who already has two children. If so, he needs to be honest about that."

Lol I'm not sure where this massive assumption has come from. He seems to have more issues coping with his own child than my older two. We had many holidays with them before.

It wasn't an assumption. It was a question.

Given your inability or unwillingness to see that your husband might have a point if it's purely about not wanting to go on a holiday that involves him doing all the driving and then having no sleep because of the baby, I can see why there might be some issues between you.

Scottishskifun · 16/05/2023 22:15

I have actually found it easier with DS's when on holiday then at home! They are always knackered after lots of swimming, activities and generally being out and about. We still keep to their routines of breakfast time, lunch time and dinner. Nap for youngest DS (14 months) is usually on the go but he still gets them.

Your DH is making excuses personally I would book a short break but with a separate room for the older ones and either have the youngest in the room with you or room on their own.

We have done everything from camping trips to short breaks and trips abroad. OK the actual getting there can be a bit of a arse but actually once there everyone has a great time and DS2 does sleep better then at home!

Pollyputthekettleonha · 16/05/2023 22:20

Google maps has a facility where you can exclude motorways so you could drive alone the DC alone or share driving with DH. You could go somewhere no more than 1 hrs drive if you go alone with the children or maybe 2 hrs if DH is coming. Can you suggest a self catering cottage so DD gets her own room and doesn't wake everyone else if she is unsettled.
My children are 3&4 and we have mainly just been on UK holidays no more than a two hour drive away since they were born. We still have a nice time and it's not too stressful in terms of the journey etc. A chance of scenery does make a difference.

Orders76 · 16/05/2023 22:38

Can you afford a quality couple of nights? We stayed here when the kids were very little, messy and mental. It was an absolute eye opener, beautiful relaxing hotel and grounds and the kids club, saints.

StormShadow · 17/05/2023 07:00

My diagnosed generalised anxiety disorder and fear of motorway driving is very real and 'putting on my big girl pants' isn't going to do much to fix it. But way to minimise mh issues. I'm working on it but really it's not about that, it's about dh not wanting to participate in family life.

The fact that your diagnosis is so significant would if anything make me more inclined to understand where DH is coming from. If it actually were a big girl pants situation, it wouldn't be as difficult. But what he's facing at the moment is a very difficult baby, two other kids and on top of that a wife with a MH diagnosis that's no joke who'd need a lot of support to be able to travel. I can see why he doesn't feel able for it in those circumstances. It's asking a lot.

Ladykryptonite · 17/05/2023 07:06

I've done alot of travel alone with young kids, some by train, is that an option?

Shinyandnew1 · 17/05/2023 07:13

So genuine question...did none of you go away when your dc were babies?

My first Dc sounds very much like your baby-never slept and cried all the time. The first two holidays we had with him were horrific and we came home after 2 days. Subsequent kids were much easier and holidays were fine. Interestingly, that DC is now 20+ and still doesn’t need much sleep!

I would plan some nice days out (is DH up for that?) and perhaps a few days away with your older DC and leave the baby with DH. Go on the train/bus as an adventure if you can find somewhere accessible. The baby will be much easier next summer.

crossstitchingnana · 17/05/2023 07:19

I went away with a baby/toddler. It's hard work. They're out of routine, don't sleep well and I remember being really knackered.

It sounds like he'd shoulder a lot of the travel stress so I am with him.

RoseGoldEagle · 17/05/2023 07:22

I get his point of view because I had no desire or energy to go on holiday when mine were that small. DH didn’t either so we’d do local day trips out instead. It would have felt a waste of money to me and also pressure to have a good time which is always a bit hit and miss with a volatile young child! It’s hard when you both feel differently though. Could he look after little DD while you have a day trip with your older two? Or even a night away with them?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 17/05/2023 07:24

So genuine question...did none of you go away when your dc were babies

Yes I took my babies on holiday but they were not screamers and slept well.

Why would you want to put your family through that? Not enjoyable for anyone. I think you are really minimising how bad your baby settles as you have said your dh had no issues going away on holiday with your older dc. I honestly don't understand the rush, wait till your dd settles better then go away. YABU

Spookysnake · 17/05/2023 07:32

To be honest, I would find a partner who was scared of motorways really boring ... 🤷‍♀️

tara66 · 17/05/2023 07:32

YABU - when my children were that age being ''on holiday'' was worse than staying at home. Some disaster always occurred. On one occasion DC woke up 7 times in one night, that child also vomited all the way LHR to Miami on another time and was prostrate on arrival etc.

Minimalme · 17/05/2023 07:36

If you've been together for five years and haven't gone on holidays abroad 'for years', why do you want to now with a 1 year old?

Start small - plan a trip to the zoo on the weekend as a family.

A family is essential a team. There has be be compromises and concessions - both of which are much more important than holidays.

SkyandSurf · 17/05/2023 07:38

You need to take your older two away and leave DD home with her father.

YABU letting your anxiety curtail their experiences as children.

As for taking a baby away- I see it both ways. I'm currently on a theme park holiday with my family. My youngest is clearly too young for this and has been having epic tantrums every day which has made it difficult for me to enjoy. The older children are having a ball though and we wanted to provide the experience for them.

If I had my time again I'd probably not have taken the youngest on this holiday, but planned something else. It's been exhausting and not a 'holiday' for me at all.

bellinisurge · 17/05/2023 07:52

The stuff that makes you anxious will still be there when you come home. Holidays with small children can be absolutely ghastly with moments of fun and sunshine. Getting the balance right is really hard. Dealing with the everyday tough stuff and not having familiar things around you can be really hard too.

I'm speaking from experience dealing with a house full of anxiety and small children. Even going to a local coffee shop would cause terrible anxiety.

Look at small victories and things you can do locally that are tolerable. Even fun. And if something goes wrong, it's just that moment not everything ever.

Holidays in North Yorkshire give you fresh air, castles, seaside, not too much travelling around to places. Highly recommend

NeverDropYourMooncup · 17/05/2023 07:53

suzysaysrelax · 16/05/2023 19:07

So genuine question...did none of you go away when your dc were babies? I've told him that people travel the world with babies and go abroad. It isn't unusual! Yes it has challenges but he is acting like it's impossible. I will end up going alone with the dc because I don't want them to miss out but anxiety or no anxiety, isn't it a bit sad that their dad (and stepdad - he has a great relationship with the older ones) would choose not to be involved and stay home alone instead?

And women drive on motorways without expecting a man to do it for them.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 17/05/2023 08:00

To be honest, holidays were hell when my children were young and I hated them so I honestly do see your DH point of view. However, if I had older children I would have sucked it up.

I think you should practice motorway driving to help with the driving, or get the train for a few days away. Start small and build up - make sure any holiday is geared towards children. We always stayed in cottages/Airbnb for holidays.

minipie · 17/05/2023 08:09

We did plenty of holidays when DC were this little. They were both bad sleepers and DC1 was very tantrummy too.

Holidays were not a nightmare, they were actually a lot better than regular life. Nobody slept, but that was normal. DH was around whereas usually he worked long hours, so that made things a lot easier for me. DC1 enjoyed the distraction of new places and people and was less stroppy. I really enjoyed them.

However - I will say that we chose the holidays very very carefully. It was either somewhere super child friendly (designed for small kids, so lots of things laid on) or we brought grandparents with. Abroad so there was guaranteed sun and could be outdoors and in pool. No long drives as both mine were appalling in the car at that age. Flights carefully timed so nobody was too tired. Spend extra so older Dc was in a separate room so not woken by the baby. Etc.

StormShadow · 17/05/2023 08:14

You need to take your older two away and leave DD home with her father.

Agree this would be the best place to start.

If the problem is particularly motorway driving, there are options that don't involve this. You don't have to go very far away. So eg if you live in or close to a city, maybe you could get public transport into the centre, do an overnight in a hotel and do things like museums, food etc. That will still feel like a little trip for the DC and it will get you into the swing. Or something like a caravan for a weekend in the next county over. You could even get taxis if necessary, if it's the driving that's the issue? It sounds like finances aren't the problem here so perhaps that could form part of the budget.

Dishwashersaurous · 17/05/2023 08:15

I think when you have a high needs non sleeping baby, for a whole year then just getting through the day is a challenge and planning anything is overwhelming.

So an action plan.

  1. Try and tackle baby sleep. Being away with a non sleeping baby is hell and I understand why he wouldn't want to do it.
  1. Book a nice cottage near a train station for a few days. So that either you go with the kids or he comes with you. His choices.
  1. Either he stays at home and has a rest and has the energy to then think about planning other stuff. Or he comes with you.
  1. Book a sensible accommodation. Of course a hotel or caravan isn't going to work with a child that doesn't sleep.
  1. Think about future holidays when child is older and does sleep and start planning those now so that you know when and where you are going and can look forward to it.
Whichnumbers · 17/05/2023 08:17

😂when you mention going away on your own and then list resins why you can’t do that, just like your dh lists reasons you can’t go away

Wotrewelookinat · 17/05/2023 08:21

We had 3 kids close together…DD then twins, and didn’t go abroad til they were 7/8 ish. We went to holiday parks in the uk and stayed in detached lodges, or went camping and these worked fine. In your situation I would be taking the older DCs away via public transport, or on day trips, or book a cottage/lodge type holiday within easy drive for everyone for a long weekend as a trial.

tealandteal · 17/05/2023 08:21

My DH also does not like to go away but for different reasons. We also have an elderly dog that makes this difficult at the moment. We have become quite good at the staycation, you need to set time aside so it’s not just time at home. We book a few things, days out etc, put chores aside, have nice but easy to cook meals, each have a lie in.

Secondwindplease · 17/05/2023 08:22

I just want to say you are on the right track with handling your anxiety. It will be so helpful to overcoming it for you to break with routine, broaden horizons, try new things etc. I hope you can come to a compromise.

Also I feel you on the driving. I learned two years ago, mid 30s, and although I drive daily it hasn’t been smooth sailing. I have never felt anxious about anything in my life really, I’m very gung-ho, but I’m always tense when I drive. I avoid certain roads and times of day. I’m all for you overcoming it, as PPs say, but three kids in the car, going to an unknown place, flying solo is a lot of tension for an anxious driver to manage. Talk about a baptism of fire.

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