Tell me boring dh is wrong

[suzysaysrelax]

I'll prefix by saying he's not completely wrong. I know travel with little dc is hard work but he is sucking the enjoyment out of life and I guess I'm just a bit fed up.

For context we've been married 5 years, I have two primary age dc from previous marriage and we have a 1 year old dd together. Dd is hard work. She doesn't sleep well and is a bit highly strung and tantrummy. However nothing out of the ordinary I'd say.

Life at the moment is relentless. We work, do school runs, go to bed, repeat. We have no help and never really get a break or the chance to go out together. On a few occasions I've suggested family weekends away/holidays (not abroad just in the UK) and am constantly met with excuses and negativity. How will it work with dd? She'll just cry. B&b wouldn't be suitable, nor would caravan because she'd cry and wake everyone up. Absolutely can't even begin to think about taking her on a plane. Her routine will be out of sync it'll just basically be hell.

I just find it so depressing and his lack of enthusiasm winds me up. Its also unfair on older dc who never get to go anywhere. The obvious answer is to go away without him but I suffer quite badly with anxiety especially surrounding travel and I'm also a very nervous driver on motorways. I've not done it for years. I feel like I need him on board because I can't cope otherwise. But he just isn't. I'm trying to work on my anxiety for my dc sake and with his support I would be happy to go away but he just comes up with a problem or negativity for everything.

Aibu to want to do stuff with my dc while they are still young? Is he just making up excuses?

Don't know where you're located, but how about somewhere like Hendra holiday park in Newquay? 100% reachable by train, loads to do on site and with the town next door to it (direct bus in 10 mins so no car needed).
A 3-bed static caravan would allow 2 older kids to sleep, a double for at least one parent, and a spare for parent nursing the screamer (just read that term!) if needed!

When DD was little we considered a holiday but then it just seemed like too much hassle for not enough fun. Didn’t do a holiday until DD was 2 and a half and it was great. Stayed in a cottage so she had her own room and we had space from her in the evening.

prior to that we had stayed in a hotel a couple of times to get her used to being away. It was a very family friendly hotel which made things easier.

I’d start small and see how it goes.

Do a tester holiday. Hire an an airbnb house not too far from you that you can get to by train or A-roads. It doesn't have to be a tourist destination - any old market town or city or even village will do. Detached or semi-detached if you can manage it to ensure you don't worry about noise at night.

Just go for a night or two and see how it is. You can do this quite cheaply and it'll give you a taster of what a longer, more expensive holiday would be like. And you can have plenty of fun in a market town - if there's a museum/playpark/swimming pool and a shop that sells tea and cake, you can have a good time!

Some people go away with their children when they are young and love it. Others have toddlers who are a nightmare and it's tantrum central. I was the latter. My daughter only became of the temperament where I wanted to take her anywhere when she got to 4. I took her abroad when she was 1 and it was traumatising. I see his point tbh. But only if he changes his mind as the baby gets older and more manageable.

I just wanted to say I don't think your being unreasonable at all... your dh has never had to deal with the "baby stage" before (I'm assuming your older kids weren't 1 year olds when he came along) your dh is sounding a little "precious first child"-ish to me.... I've 3 kids, my oldest is from a previous relationship and was 4 when me and dp started dating .... when I had DC2 a couple of years later it was my partners first child and he was definately far more anxious about everything (days out sounded like trekking mount everest to him, easier to just stay home). I also have diagnosed generalised anxiety disorder as well as ADHD I don't drive on motorways either and actually will go the long way or take the backroads when I'm going on long trips. Don't let anyone here try and bully you for being self aware this is your mental health you know your triggerd, MN is fucking awful for the bully bitches out in throves telling anyone in earshot that they just need to "get on with it" 🙄 how about those that don't experience anxiety around driving stop fucking gaslighting those that do.
When my DC2 was a year old I booked us 5 nights in Disneyland Paris, dp was all doom and gloom about how stressful it would be, excuses and negativity 🙃 every make believe worst possible scenario was put forth as gospel, he wanted me to cancel and loose my deposit even offered to reimburse me... but we went anyway, she absolutely loved it, we all had an amazing time and the pictures we have are absolutely priceless, within weeks of returning dp booked us a family long weekend break to London (we live in Ireland) and a few months later a family trip to Portugal. Your dp is just fearful of the "what ifs" yes your dd will cry, yes she might find it hard to fall asleep somewhere new, she might throw a flop because you forgot her favourite cup, but she can't learn to cope in new surroundings if you don't take her anywhere new.
I had DC3 last summer & we've done a couple of weekend trips with her (yes she cried.. for lots of reasons) But the majority of time she was happy & we had fun as a family... I want to say with each trip she has gotten easier but she's still so little, so even a delayed nap can cause her to fuss - our (mine and dp) ability to cope however is on point 👌 we expect it and are prepared and fussy periods never last longer than maybe 20 mins max.
Hopefully if you manage to convince dh to go he will see its not nearly as awful as he fears and the good happy memories will out weight the bad in the end.

People do all sorts of things on public transport that are annoying. If you don’t like that then you need to avoid it, you can’t expect to police everyone else’s behaviour.

The last flight I went on it felt like every baby and toddler on there was screaming the entire time (late evening flight so I suppose a lot of them were out of their routine and freaked out). It wasn’t pleasant, especially since I was trying to contain my son who has autism and adhd and noise is one of his triggers.

But that was the situation I chose to put myself in when I decided to get on a plane… I could have stayed at home or booked businesses/first class tickets where there tend to be fewer children. But I didn’t.

I’m not entitled enough to think that every parent on that flight who wanted/needed to get from a to b should have stayed at home just so I could have my ideal quiet journey!

I haven't read the whole thread but yes people do travel with babies and kids! We have to travel for various reasons at least 3x a year, a 5 hour flight, to a very different kind of country. It's fine!

Babies cry, kids misbehave, as long as you are actively dealing with it I don't think people mind (generally). Obviously people get annoyed when parents are just fobbing their kids off and letting them run a muck.

I actually find air travel to be way less stressful than a long car journey to be honest with you! Probably because someone else is flying the plane and food is sorted, and airports are family friendly and people tend to be helpful if you have kids.

Try a short haul flight on a (not budget) airline. And do either an all inclusive or a self catering. Anything in between can get a bit chaotic.

Or as others have suggested a train holiday in the uk, the one down to Falmouth is lovely!

We first went away when DS was 19 months and it was ok, but he was a good sleeper then. We've just been away with him age 3 and it was such hard work, he refused to sleep in the bed then was up at 5am. It was not fun and we won't be going away again for a long time (this was only a short trip away).

I forgot the most important bit, you will be amazed how your kids change on holiday.

It's such a good opportunity to loosen the reins, see what happens. They learn so much, and often really surprise you with what they can cope with, where they can sleep, what they will eat etc.

I think you're wrong to call him boring just because he doesn't want to take a poorly sleeping, tantrumming 1-yr-old on holiday. He's right that the baby will be just as difficult (if not more so) when you're away. We did do UK holidays where we rented a lodge or cottage when the DC were that age. Some of them were fine. Some were a nightmare. You can't tell what it's going to be like.
By the time, they were 18 months, it was much easier to holiday with them and we went to Europe, went on cruises, I took them away on my own to friends in Germany, etc.
There are lots of fun days out you can do in the UK with little ones without having to go on holiday.

On the motorway thing, yeah, ignore all the people telling you to just get on with it. BUT maybe you could get some motorway lessons? A driving instructor could help you build your skills and confidence and then you might feel more up to it. They can even start with dual carriageways to practice speed and overtaking, and build up to motorways.

I know a few people who have done this and it changed a lot for them. I mean, chances are you were never actually taught motorway driving so it makes sense to be anxious about it!

Then dont drive on the motorway, set sat nav to avoid, you may even get there quicker by avoiding roadworks, accidents etc .

I chose not to go away recently because I didn't want to take my toddler.
They sleep, they eat but they are extremely determined and are not able to follow safe direction like the fact if they open the door they'll fall out the caravan, and the amount of stuff I'd have to take with me just felt like too much.

It's not fun to deal with a toddler and go away. So I don't think he's being boring but more as much as it might be a holiday, it will leave him feeling more stressed than being at home.

On a side note, my bad sleeper actually sleeps like a dream when we go by the sea.

A very simple answer- why not book a holiday cottage? The options are not just B&B or a caravan.

Book a detached cottage and if the baby cries, you won't disturb anyone.

I'm with you OP - it's hard to be around someone who is a fun sponge. Whose immediate reaction is 'no' or 'won't work' rather than having the optimism to try to figure out a solution.

One of the reasons I married DH is because he's open to new stuff, celebratory stuff, and to trying things out and seeing how they go.

Honestly, self catering in a place where good weather isn't guaranteed, with a high maintenance child sounds like the complete opposite of a holiday. It's just same old, different location and you would most likely come back hacked off and exhausted.
If you are going to do it, at least go for somewhere where things are done for you!

Get yourself some motorway driving lessons, this increased competence & skill will directly address your anxieties. Take control of yourself for yourself. You have time to do this before the summer holidays start, & will give you more flexibility around doing this with the children.

Lead by example, plan trips, consult for valid & useful comments, then get going.

If this prescribing by DH of what can/cannot be done as a family goes on for too long, you run the risk of getting the ick & avoiding family days out & adventures.

I'd just do whatever you would have done if you hadn't met and married your second DH. You'd still have had two older children, you'd still have had motorway anxiety, and you'd still have had to take them on holiday some time. So just rule him out of the equation and do that.

Train, perhaps? Plenty of nice places you can get to by train. with baby DD if possible, or leave her with her dad if not. it only needs to be a long weekend or something, just to see if you can manage without him. And if you can, then the world is your oyster! Plenty of places you can get to without ever getting behind the wheel of a car.

Which part of my post was snippy vs your post, which has personally attacked me?

So genuine question...did none of you go away when your dc were babies

I did go away when all of mine were babies, but my experience was that in the end, it wasn't worth the agg just to say you've been away.

It's only a couple of years of skipping holidays and then it's much easier.

You are definitely the unreasonable one. How kind of you to brand your husband boring! Particularly when he’s supporting two kids who aren’t his!

We went away when our child was just over a year old and it was alright. I don’t blame anyone who would rather stay at home though. I don’t think either of you are wrong.

Also if you have anxiety about travelling your family has probably adapted and made accommodations for that themselves so it’s a bit of give and take.

Ew your whole message 🤮 clearly a pick me that puts step dad's on a pedestal for "supporting kids that aren't his" the fucking misogyny is dripping... he chose to be a step parent 🙄 but by all means suggest OP owes him a boring existence 😴 and endless gratitude for settling for a single mother ... if she didn't have older kids before they met, would she be reasonable to call him boring? He is boring or at the very least can't be arse dealing with his OWN BIO child. Ones bad and the other is worse... but you go polish his man of the year award.

I’m on both sides here. I can see why he doesn’t wish to go. It sounds like a lot of the leg work will be his and it won’t be much joy with a fractious baby, I also dislike the fact you’re quite offensive about him, calling him boring and urging folks to side with you against him. Whilst simultaneously getting Arsey with anyone who points out your anxiety is an issue here.

mental illness intrinsically often makes folks selfish, and self focused, but I don’t think bullying and insulting your husband is the way forward, quite frankly I’d not want to go with you either.

Same applies to step parents whatever their sex, it's not misogynistic at all.

I think the fact she's labelled him boring is the point that you're completely missing but carry on with your ridiculous tirade.