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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tell me boring dh is wrong

202 replies

suzysaysrelax · 16/05/2023 18:47

I'll prefix by saying he's not completely wrong. I know travel with little dc is hard work but he is sucking the enjoyment out of life and I guess I'm just a bit fed up.

For context we've been married 5 years, I have two primary age dc from previous marriage and we have a 1 year old dd together. Dd is hard work. She doesn't sleep well and is a bit highly strung and tantrummy. However nothing out of the ordinary I'd say.

Life at the moment is relentless. We work, do school runs, go to bed, repeat. We have no help and never really get a break or the chance to go out together. On a few occasions I've suggested family weekends away/holidays (not abroad just in the UK) and am constantly met with excuses and negativity. How will it work with dd? She'll just cry. B&b wouldn't be suitable, nor would caravan because she'd cry and wake everyone up. Absolutely can't even begin to think about taking her on a plane. Her routine will be out of sync it'll just basically be hell.

I just find it so depressing and his lack of enthusiasm winds me up. Its also unfair on older dc who never get to go anywhere. The obvious answer is to go away without him but I suffer quite badly with anxiety especially surrounding travel and I'm also a very nervous driver on motorways. I've not done it for years. I feel like I need him on board because I can't cope otherwise. But he just isn't. I'm trying to work on my anxiety for my dc sake and with his support I would be happy to go away but he just comes up with a problem or negativity for everything.

Aibu to want to do stuff with my dc while they are still young? Is he just making up excuses?

OP posts:
Crazycrazylady · 16/05/2023 19:15

I think he's not wrong. A non sleeping baby who likes routine is going to make things a bit miserable for everyone on hols and you normally just end up poorer. There's only a year or two in it really while they are this bad. Take your older kids away and leave him with baby for a weekend. Everyone will be happier if

DucksNewburyport · 16/05/2023 19:16

How about renting a cottage? I can see he'd find a B&B or caravan stressful with DD.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/05/2023 19:18

What was he like with holidays and day trips before the baby?

justasking111 · 16/05/2023 19:18

I'd book an all inclusive somewhere warm. You get all age groups there. Lift to the airport, coach other end. No driving, no stress. We went to praia de luz, Portugal and playa blanca Lanzarote. The one year old will love the pool, when tired into pushchair and stroll back to the little apartments they have nearby for a siesta let OH watch the older ones.

It's a compromise when you have a little one

TruffleShuffles · 16/05/2023 19:21

Holidays with children are absolutely nothing like a lovely relaxing adult only holiday but they can still be enjoyable. We went abroad with our first at 8 weeks and also went abroad with our second when he was 3 months and the eldest was 3. Neither of them were great sleepers but it’s nicer being tired on a sun lounger with a cocktail than it is at home working.

We have also done more local holiday cottages and forest lodges with hot tubs. It’s nice to just be in a different environment for a couple of days where there is no rigid schedule. We have fun just doing normal things like going on walks, parks for the children, going to local cafes for a coffee and cake. It’s nice to just do normal things somewhere else sometimes.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 16/05/2023 19:29

I mean, I see his point.

I wouldn't want to pay for a holiday if it meant I did all the driving and then didn't get any sleep - I just think it would be a total waste of money.

Day trips from home, or even an overnight, is probably the way to go with a non-sleeping toddler.

Original poster
suzysaysrelax · 16/05/2023 19:33

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the different view points. I think going away with the older two myself is probably the best option. I'd still feel guilty leaving dd behind though (mum guilt either way!!) but that would be dh choice I suppose.

OP posts:
HereAndNowAgain · 16/05/2023 19:38

A change of scene is good even with a baby. I would be frustrated too OP.

BubblinTrouble · 16/05/2023 19:52

My DH is similar to this. I do a lot of things on my own with DD. She’s 2 and is pretty bad out of routine and then we’re both tired and I think I can’t be bothered to do it ever again. BUT she usually has a fab time when we’re visiting somewhere so it tends to be worth it. It’s also nice to have something to look forward to. I get where your DH is coming from and that’s ok but don’t let it stop you!

pinkunicorns54 · 16/05/2023 19:58

We are at Center Parcs now with 5month old & 2yr old.
Yes the 5month old cried a lot of the way here!
But now we are here - we are keeping to their routines. Baby having lots of pram naps and toddler is burning off soooo much energy they are knackered!

I know CP is expensive - but there are other places similar - that can keep little people entertained!

Babymamaroon · 16/05/2023 20:03

As difficult as it is with 3 little kids, you have to woman up here.

Drive the car and take the kids out. You can and will cope. You don't need him whinging and whining.

Take control of your own life (and your kids') and leave him behind.

You will feel so liberated and the chances are he'll have FOMO.

Never rely on another person for your own happiness. Yes it would be great if he were on board but he's not.

Change what you can change.

Good luck OP! You can do this!

Happyhappyday · 16/05/2023 20:05

We went away a lot (maybe 3-4 a year) from when DC was 6 month old. But we only had one and she was the opposite of what you described, slept great, ate great, needed her naps but super interested in new places. We also went away with my parents a lot and they get up early and always volunteer to take DC in the mornings so it was relaxing. I’m also the opposite of you and do not have travel anxiety (DH does but I honestly just ignore it and accept I do all the planning). He hates driving and I nearly left him in a car park once for being a baby, but we just got on with it.

I don’t think he’s unreasonable to not want to do trips like we need with three kids, one of whom cries a ton. I’d stay home in that case or travel with family somewhere that came with some childcare. Or spend the money on our nanny for the weekend so we actually got a break.

I do think YABVU about driving, take some extra lessons and honestly put your big girl pants on.

BaggyTrousersBT · 16/05/2023 20:10

We went abroad with a difficult baby. Not as pleasant as adult holiday but nicer than home! Kept a routine, made sure she was tired getting on plane etc . Yes it was tough but sun and swim and glsss of wine on balcony worth it . I also frequently go away on my own with primary age kids and love it, we book things like water parks. Get in the car and go, don’t let someone else limit you, your kids won’t be young for long

WonderingWanda · 16/05/2023 20:12

1 year olds who don't sleep are not much fun on holiday. Give it a year and she will be much better at sleeping and maybe then you can start doing some holidays. Is there anywhere local you could take the older two on your own for a weekend?

user50316 · 16/05/2023 20:27

Our dd was the same as that at that age (and still now to be honest! 😂) - we found an airbnb or Sykes cottage type thing was the best. Cheaper for a family, and usually a detached or remote house so the baby didn't wake anyone else up in a hotel etc. I think he's being massively negative and it will cause resentment if he blames "the baby" for nobody being able to have a nice time and go away.

bobbysock · 16/05/2023 20:28

Oysterbabe · 16/05/2023 18:57

I agree with pp, there's some unreasonableness on both sides. You only really want him to come so he can drive you and look after you.

This. And your dp knows it too.

Allthegoodusernamesareused · 16/05/2023 20:30

suzysaysrelax · 16/05/2023 19:07

So genuine question...did none of you go away when your dc were babies? I've told him that people travel the world with babies and go abroad. It isn't unusual! Yes it has challenges but he is acting like it's impossible. I will end up going alone with the dc because I don't want them to miss out but anxiety or no anxiety, isn't it a bit sad that their dad (and stepdad - he has a great relationship with the older ones) would choose not to be involved and stay home alone instead?

I travelled lots with my children when they were babies. We mostly did holiday parks and kept our expectations fairly low, but I can honestly say we had some lovely holidays. I also took my girls to Devon solo on the train when they were 1 and 7. It was great. You just have to be organised and not expect everything to be easy or perfect.

SpecialControlGroup · 16/05/2023 20:31

I'm with your husband on this, honestly going anywhere at the moment just sounds like it is going to be horrendous for everybody. Nothing worse than a screaming out of routine highly strung baby in a place where you don't have your own stuff around

Lindjam · 16/05/2023 20:32

When mine were little we mostly went to caravan parks and it was great.

Plenty of entertainment for the older DC and you and DH can relax whilst they have fun.

If he won’t come with you, just go somewhere you can get the train to.

piedbeauty · 16/05/2023 20:35

When our dc were a year old e holidayed in nice holiday cottages that were child friendly. Can you do that?

You need to sit down and talk about how you're both feeling. Tell him how his negativity affects you. It sounds like your anxiety affects him too. Are you having treatment for it?

APurpleSquirrel · 16/05/2023 20:39

Does he not want to do day trips either?

We've been abroad on holiday when DD was 2; & another when DD was 5 & DS wasn't quite 1. Both times we went with PIL, which helped a lot, but we dealt with all the night wakings etc. we've also done holidays in the UK with both DC & it's been fine. Yes, there have been sleepless nights, changes to routines but you get through it. Is it carefree & relaxing? No. Is it still enjoyable? Yes.

HeddaGarbled · 16/05/2023 20:42

So genuine question...did none of you go away when your dc were babies

We did a U.K. chalet park when she was a baby but came home early. The accommodation wasn’t really suitable for a crawler and she screamed at the sea!

Another year on and Center Parcs was a huge success.

We didn’t attempt flying until she was 3.

Lady1576 · 16/05/2023 20:43

My son has never been a great sleeper, but on holidays you are much more likely to do lots of stuff and be outside in the fresh air. So sometimes he sleeps better on holiday; I certainly wouldn’t say it’s much worse. Maybe some naps will be skipped but I haven’t found it ruined any holidays. I have been with my parents though as well as with husband on separate occasions and that was awesome too. Do you have no family because they live far away, and so could meet somewhere halfway. I’m surprised you have no family or friends. How do people live like that? I understand not everyone has a close relationship with family, but no friends either??

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 16/05/2023 20:47

With Ds 1 we didn't do much at all until he was 2.5/3. A weekend at Peebles hydro I think.
When he was 2yrs 9 months we went to crieff hydro and we had our 6month son too that was for four nights, we had a double buggy and it was great.

And then when the boys were 3yr2months and little one was 10 months we went on a cruise. We had to fly to the starting port and fly home again and honestly that was good too. Yes it was a fair bit of work but we did have fun! Boys were great on the flights - 2 mins of crying after being seated for so long with nothing happening but when we took off it stopped and they slept the whole way 2.5 hour flight.

ASimpleLampoon · 16/05/2023 20:48

Can you go away with the older ones and leave him with DD?

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