Tell me boring dh is wrong

[suzysaysrelax]

I'll prefix by saying he's not completely wrong. I know travel with little dc is hard work but he is sucking the enjoyment out of life and I guess I'm just a bit fed up.

For context we've been married 5 years, I have two primary age dc from previous marriage and we have a 1 year old dd together. Dd is hard work. She doesn't sleep well and is a bit highly strung and tantrummy. However nothing out of the ordinary I'd say.

Life at the moment is relentless. We work, do school runs, go to bed, repeat. We have no help and never really get a break or the chance to go out together. On a few occasions I've suggested family weekends away/holidays (not abroad just in the UK) and am constantly met with excuses and negativity. How will it work with dd? She'll just cry. B&b wouldn't be suitable, nor would caravan because she'd cry and wake everyone up. Absolutely can't even begin to think about taking her on a plane. Her routine will be out of sync it'll just basically be hell.

I just find it so depressing and his lack of enthusiasm winds me up. Its also unfair on older dc who never get to go anywhere. The obvious answer is to go away without him but I suffer quite badly with anxiety especially surrounding travel and I'm also a very nervous driver on motorways. I've not done it for years. I feel like I need him on board because I can't cope otherwise. But he just isn't. I'm trying to work on my anxiety for my dc sake and with his support I would be happy to go away but he just comes up with a problem or negativity for everything.

Aibu to want to do stuff with my dc while they are still young? Is he just making up excuses?

If you knowing have a screamer of course it is selfish to take them on a plane.

What I find the most sad is you have no family or friends at all to do anything with? Just the two of you and 3 DC. Do they not at least have playdates etc?! How sad. In your shoes I'd spend serious money on hypnotherapy and lots of help with my anxiety and go away without him. I'd also consider leaving his DD with him and taking the other 2 kids away on my own.

We've always travelled with dc. The first overseas trip we took dc was 12 months, & we went to Australia! And it was amazing.
I absolutely don't agree that travelling with children is 'same shit different place' & I'm so glad we've travelled as much as we have with ours.

I would speak to your dh & explain how miserable its making you & see if you can reach a compromise of days out / overnight in a cottage or premiere Inn to give your children an adventure?

It won't be a great holiday for your older children if they are having to sleep in the same space as a baby who cries frequently. I think for it to work you would need to rent a house, not just get a caravan or B&B room.

Well how fantastic for you that you could afford to travel to Australia. I imagine I'd also probably suck up the downsides for a trip like that.

You sound anxious and negative too., I am not sure that will make for a very appealing proposition.

DD was an awful sleeper, and we figured that for holiday it would be better to get no sleep somwhere lovely where we could enjoy our days. She was fine on a plane, and being at a hotel where we didn't have to cook or clean was great.

We just had a holiday with our 3yr old it was absolutely not a holiday. It was pretty awful tbh. He’s not wrong. It was same shit in a much more expensive setting.

What is ‘a screamer’?! Most babies cry/scream at some point, and they are all capable of doing it.

Is it only babies you object to sharing PUBLIC transport with? What about people with disabilities who vocalise? Should they also stay at home lest someone think they are selfish?

I understand this to an extent. My DP has anxiety and won’t drive the big family car (unless I’m with him and it’s motorway driving) we have 2 6 month old twins and a 6 year old. I’m the one wanting to take them out places, cheap term time holiday before I return to work. Without me booking anything we couldn’t go anywhere on holiday as a family. So I push him and he’s happy to comply as long as I sort and do most the driving. We have booked bluestone in wales for a week- drivable and loads to do for the older one. Our 6 month olds are pretty settled (though there’s two to deal with 😂 and DP isn’t the most confident with them) the fresh air will knock them out and change of scene do us all good. We did France when we had 1 child with the dog- not that brave this time round though.

I’d come to a compromise, long weekend somewhere in short driving distance with lots for the older ones and DP to do- you will
prob find the 1 year old relaxes as you do too.

good luck!!

This.

He's not 'boring' for not wanting to do this right now.

but being on holiday with kids - you still have no work to go to - no house/life admin to do / no cooking / no cleaning !

don't know how that's the same shit different location - its way easier to look after your child without all that stuff

We always take a chunk of time to ourselves on the holiday too so we both get some down time!

When we were in Japan we found soft plays and playgrounds and stuff and one of us took toddler there while the other went off and did what we wanted for the morning!

when we went to spain - we had a pool day each - i went off on a boat trip by myself one day - we let the routine go to shit and gave each other time to have naps or catch up on sleep when needed

it deffo wasn't same shit different place

@PelvicFlora I don't know why you're being snippy? The op asked if people just didn't travel & I responded to say we travelled & not a short hop but went long haul where there's far more potential for a 1 year old to kick off & you're literally trapped on a flight for 13 hours.

And of course you have no idea why we went to Australia or how it was funded.

You sound a bit ridiculous.

Such a shame that they interspersed with the genuine, helpful comments there are the typical bitchy comments about me

your question was

tell me my boring husband is wrong

my answer was, you're the same but don't realise.

You don't want to do x y and z and he doesn't want to a b and c different issues but both lead to the same issue - you both can't manage to get away

"Is it so wrong to want my dh to actually want to go places and enjoy life?"

Your DH could say the same though couldn't he?

Could you book an Air BnB, go by public transport without him? Get him to take you and come home after a few days so he can also have a break at home? You need to think around it!

Sooooo

Your kid is high-strung and tantrummy

You say that her changing routine will make her behaviour HELL

You suffer from travel anxiety

AND you have 2 kids that he isnt the dad to

Yet you call his "his lack of enthusiasm" depressing.

Uh... the guy doesnt have 'lack of enthusiasm'. He us being realistic because he sees what is in front of him!

If you want to go on a holiday then go. You can't hang your happiness on him but also cant blame your anxiety for not going. If you want something you need to do it yourself op.

But it sounds like life is fucking rough at the moment. and thats just with work and 1 hellish toddler
That doesnt even include your other kids in there.

To be honest? I would go on a holiday with my oldest 2 and leave the youngest at home. Its not worth the hassle and the stress. Plus she wont remember it 🤣

You know exactly what Im talking about, yes most babies cry at some point and some babies cry for hours on end when in an unsettled or different environment, parents know their child and to willingly take a child who you know will scream for the whole/most of the journey is bloody selfish behaviour! It might be PUBLIC transport but its an antisocial thing to do.

When mine were 7 years and 10months respectively, I took the train to Scotland to stay with friends.
It was hard travelling on my own but ds was a sensible lad and helped me get bags on and off.
We had fun and we definitely felt tired too, dd didn’t sleep well.

Re motorways could you take a couple of driving lessons to help you relearn how to use a motorway?

So genuine question...did none of you go away when your dc were babies? I've told him that people travel the world with babies and go abroad. It isn't unusual! Yes it has challenges but he is acting like it's impossible.

To be honest we tried a couple of times, and it was way more hassle than fun. Babies/toddlers and holidays abroad - just not a very good combination.

I remember listening to a man on the radio talking about an horrendous journey to Paris, I think he said the 70’s, there was no internet and lots of disruption due to strikes.
He finally arrived at the train station in Paris wondering how he would get to his destination when he saw a mum holding her young son’s hand ( about 7/8).
Looking at the chaos around them he heard the mum say
‘Now this is what we call an adventure.’
I’ve never forgotten. It really is how you frame a situation that counts.

So many pp’s saying you’ll be miserable @suzysaysrelax . Not necessarily, book an adventure for your older dc. Make their childhood fun.

This.

I think it's harder as you have your older two as well as the baby. I took my toddler away loads, often on my own, but now there's a baby too it feels much more difficult.

We did go away with ours when young but as neither of us drives, we always went by public transport. You dont have to drive to go on holidays

You said you can’t cope without him. Until that point I had sympathy with you, but I can understand that he might feel it is too much to cope with three young children plus a mother with travel anxiety. I think a lot of people might not want to take that on and you are pretty unreasonable calling him boring for that.

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable, just tired.

If you went to a haven type place then there are so many activities on during the day then your older two would be sorted. You can plan to drive there at what would be her nap time anyway so she sleeps in the car.

We did this with our very strong willed 1 year old and it was no problem at all, she really enjoyed it too.

I didn't enjoy going away with a baby/toddler, just more hard work than usual in a sunnier location. And I'm usually very enthusiastic about living life! So I don't blame him. I don't blame you for not being able to conquer your anxiety instantly either 🙄 Maybe go away just you and the older ones and stick to the back roads?