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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about my sister being given a house by my parents

332 replies

mammamia77 · 13/05/2023 20:44

My parents own two houses (one they live in and the other they rent out). The mortgage on the house they rent out is coming to an end and my parents have been deciding if they want to keep their current tenants or sell up. That was until today when my dad mentioned 'gifting' the house to my sister (aged 20) as another option. Obviously I know that the house belongs to my parents and they are free to do whatever they want with it, but I couldn't help feeling upset about this.

I'm 27 and bought my property aged 25 through hard work and years of saving, so I feel that it is unfair that I had to work so hard to buy my house and my sister just gets gifted with one. My sister could sense I was a bit annoyed over the situation and said something along the lines of 'I don't know what your problem is, you already have your own house'

So, AIBU unreasonable for feeling a bit pissed off that my sister may be given a house basically for free when I had to work so hard for mine?

OP posts:
Ohpleeeease · 15/05/2023 21:42

It’s risky to assume you can even things up in a Will. The volatility of the property market means it’s well nigh impossible to predict what a fair apportionment might be at any given point in the future. And if care fees enter the equation it all becomes moot as there won’t be anything left to leave.

Starsandrain · 15/05/2023 21:56

Totally possible to buy your house in that situation. I was the same. Qualified at 21 and was only paid £100 a month to my parents and saved about a £1000 a month sometimes. I would literally give my parents £100 and buy fuel and very little else some months. Some months it was a bit less but really gave me a leg up. Totally believe the op could have done this too.

E17Stowmum · 15/05/2023 21:58

Tax?

Stressybetty · 15/05/2023 22:04

What should have happened is the op's sister said to the parents, but that's not fair, why would you give me a house, what about mammamia77? But from her attitude sounds like she's not about to do that!

Isinglass20 · 15/05/2023 22:56

So the deal is your sister becomes full time carer to your parents when the time arrives 😊😊

Lampzade · 15/05/2023 23:22

Whiteroomjoy · 15/05/2023 19:48

Some poster saying they would do this if one child was better off, had better career, better prospects.

here’s the warning…

even the most comfortably off, in secure jobs, with roofs over theirs heads can end up loosing almost everything . You simply don’t know what’s round the corner. My ex worked in professional roles until he was in his forties, and then developed sever and enduring mental illness - he didn’t work ever again beyond 43 . It was only my job that kept us with roof over our heads, and we were in debt a lot of the time. We then did come out of that bleak period, as I got promotions and better pay, but it shows how close being destitute is to most people who, on the face of it, have secure jobs , good salaries

There are people who end up living hand to mouth due to physical illnesses and disabilities that develop later in life

redunancy can take a heavy toll

and in the meantime the “poorer” sibling with the “inheritance” can use that money to make more money and end far better off, never mind that they could (extreme I know) win the lottery or premium bonds for all you know

the situation people are in right now, is not a given for how they will be in the future. The world changes. Peoples lives change. Not always for the better .

This

Mamanyt · 16/05/2023 00:29

I won't tell you that you are being unreasonable, but I will say, if you love your family, try very hard to not keep score. They may have something in mind for you, down the road. And it is reasonable to give the house to the child who does not own one. I know you worked hard for yours, but...it is theirs.

Boomshock · 16/05/2023 00:38

And it is reasonable to give the house to the child who does not own one.

OP doesn't own her house though, she'll own it when she's paid it off in a couple of decades.

SaponificationQueen · 16/05/2023 05:18

YANBU at all. I would probably be pissed in the same situation. I wonder though if they are planning to give you the house the currently live in when they pass? They may have thought that your sister needs one now and you can wait until later.

Islandgirl68 · 16/05/2023 08:22

That is very unfair. If they sell they could give you half. I am sure even though you have your own house you still have a mortgage and all the years you were saving you probably were doing with out.

chocorabbit · 16/05/2023 08:35

caringcarer · 15/05/2023 19:05

OP we are at the moment selling a house to my youngest son for £50k undervalue and we got a low valuation from EA too as we took out old kitchen and took up old laminate for valuation for mortgage company and house having new laminate and kitchen before he buys it so he's probably getting closer to £65k in value. I've told my older two children who already have a house that you get will be inheriting less when we die. We have other properties in a Ltd company they can inherit from. Our reasons for doing this is our youngest has saved hard to save up £10k on his own in a LISA. Other DC got a £10k deposit help when they bought their homes. I spoke to older DC before I made you get the offer. He is single and house prices have risen so buying at full price would mean he could not buy his own home. My other children said they are ok with it. Do you think your parents would even it up in their will? You could ask if they are just letting your sister live there whilst she saves a deposit or gifting it to her outright as you still presumably have a mortgage. It always causes issues when parents treat DC differently and don't keep things fair.

But what if the parents need care and the house is sold? That's what I continuously read on mumsnet. Before they gift the house they should borrow an amount of let's say £100k and gift it to the OP so she can repay her mortgage, buy a bigger house or whatever she wants. The DS can put the house back on rent to recuperate any amount she wishes and move to the house in the future. She can continue to live with her parents and make contributions if the parents wish.

chocorabbit · 16/05/2023 08:36

Then they can split everything in half in their will. Nobody can know if they will have anything left to leave to their children.

chocorabbit · 16/05/2023 08:41

Isinglass20 · 15/05/2023 22:56

So the deal is your sister becomes full time carer to your parents when the time arrives 😊😊

Nah, usually the most entitled child gets a good deal because the parents know that the disadvantaged sucker has a good heart and will always care for the parents no matter what. The OP is saying that her parents and DS are good though, so I don't know.

JazbayGrapes · 16/05/2023 09:22

I'd say YABU. You own your house. A house as a gift from parents comes with strings attached. My own parents helped Dsis to build a house. But then they're quite controlling and I moved to another country.

TenseTessa · 16/05/2023 11:26

JazbayGrapes · 16/05/2023 09:22

I'd say YABU. You own your house. A house as a gift from parents comes with strings attached. My own parents helped Dsis to build a house. But then they're quite controlling and I moved to another country.

But she doesn't own the house out right. The sister will own house out right.

Strings - I'd expect some strings with 300-400k gift!

feelinglikepeaches · 16/05/2023 13:35

OP you sound like you did all the right things to get yourself set up in life and I can understand why you'd be upset by this. I remember my mum talking about her sister always being bailed out and it hurt she saw money being spent on her sister and not her. However, my grandmother used to talk to me about my mum and she would say things like how sensible she was, how she had done so well. When she talked about her other daughter (my aunt) it was always "poor X" who couldn't cope and "needed" her help.

It is misplaced/wonky thinking but if you attack, positions may become hardened. I would be gentle with your parents and try to understand their thinking. It may be that in asking a few gentle questions, more will emerge (for example they may loan the money to your sister as a mortgage registered against the property, for her to "buy" the property so that the debt will come out of your sister's inheritance) or they may have some other arrangement in mind. Hopefully, having heard them out you can put your point of view in a constructive way or make suggestions so as to find a solution that is fair. Be careful not to equate money with love- it is tempting to do that but they are not definitely not the same.

OopsAnotherOne · 16/05/2023 14:08

I totally get it, OP. I know it's their house to do with what they wish but there is an element of unfairness in that you weren't provided with the same opportunities your sister was. It would make more sense to let her live there while she saves her money or to sell the house to her by way of taking monthly "rent" as if she was paying a mortgage of her own and once she has paid for it, the house can be transferred to her. I can't see them doing her any favours by handing her property ownership on a plate but I can also see why she would be in favour of this - anyone would be happy to be gifted a property.

I can't see that there is much you can do as it's their money and their decision but your feelings are very valid.

Madamum18 · 16/05/2023 14:49

You are not being u reasonable. You saved a deposit and are paying a mortgage every month for years. Meanwhile your sister is getting a free house and no mortgage. Unbelievable that your parents cant see why that is a problem!!

A solution might be that your sister pays them "rent" as if she was paying a mortgage so she not just getting the house for free although that may well end before your .mortgage payments do. Also if they go ahead as planned is there any proviso in their wills re selling other house and dividing assets etc?

Hope you can get this sorted Flowers

Boomshock · 16/05/2023 14:58

All these people saying "you own a house"....🤔Have you never heard of mortgages?

ThomasinaLivesHere · 16/05/2023 16:21

Very few people have reached their potential at age 20 so I find some comments comparing the sisters lives a bit silly. As you’d expect the younger sister has a lower income and no mortgage like most young people.

Anele22 · 16/05/2023 22:46

Your parents are making a mistake. You’ve done very well to save up and buy your property. Your sister is virtually still a child and no way should your parents indulge her with a free house to reward her complaining. She should be encouraged to save as you did. Speak up now OP to help your parents avoid this awful favouritism

Dreamstate · 17/05/2023 08:50

Boomshock · 16/05/2023 14:58

All these people saying "you own a house"....🤔Have you never heard of mortgages?

Exactly and you don't really own your house the bank does until you have paid it off!

Feelingsickrightnow · 18/06/2023 14:09

@chocorabbit you are so right. My mum’s brother ( my uncle) got given 2 houses and my mum got the the literally nothing.
She fought hard to get one of the house as it was house originally build for her, my dad and me when I was born however my mum got divorced and cos of that she became a black sheep in our family.
In the end she got the house and owns it but her brother and his family completely stop speaking to us and guess what, it was my mum who took care of her parents in the end… he only grabbed all the money my granddad had and walked off leaving my mum pick up the pieces..

Sarahdev40 · 17/08/2023 14:02

Hi, I'm interested in this post because i'm in a similar position with my sibling.

I'm married, two children one has grown up and left home, the other is 9. I own my own home with my husband.

My brother is married with two small children. He owns his own home.

We have both, over the years both borrowed money from our parents to buy our homes. and repaid with interest.

My parents bought an investment rental property a few years ago, and somehow this has become my brothers and the initial purchase price (which was way less than its value now!) was added to his lending. Of course, this debt has reduced because the rental income pays it. I only found out about this arrangement by accident when asking for a copy of what we still owed, and his borrowings were on there too, inc the rental.

I can't seem to get anyone (brother or parents) to understand why i'm annoyed about this, and that this debt for an investment (which someone else is repaying - the tenants) is not the same as the debt for the homes we live in.

Does anyone have any pearls of widsom?

Thanks,
Sarah

PrincezGeekChic · 03/02/2024 23:14

I can't really say who's in the wrong because like others i think some details are missing. Your sister is also young, even more so than you so if she is living at home, maybe she's helping the parents in ways you may be unaware of since you have your own place. For all we know, she could have been helping with their rental business and other things. Just to play a little bit more of the devil's advocate, I know someone I went to college with who had 4 other siblings, but she was the one who got the house (coincidentally she was also the youngest lol). This was because she stayed close to home, while the others moved away to start their own independent lives. She helped her parents with their everyday lives, errands, cleaning and cooking for them when their health began to fail, and basically became their caretakers until they both sadly passed away. Not saying this is what's happening her but it could be something similar. There's also the possibility that it was just a coincidence because of timing. They could just think it's fine to give your sister the house because it's only now that the mortgage will be paid off and you already have a house you put a lot of effort into getting. Thet may even decide to give you the other home or at least have you split that one when the time comes. But of course you have every right to feel that way and be upset but ultimately it is up to the parents unless you previously discussed it with them and they hinted you could potentially have the property. But I personally wouldn't care too much otherwise, as it seems you were able to get your house a while before this situation arose. But if it was very recent then that's another story. I don't want to call you the A word because you can be upset of you feel so but I kind of feel you'll get past it if you haven't already. From what I feel the timing is and the details I've read I don't think a long term grudge or anything like that is warranted for this situation.