To be upset about my sister being given a house by my parents

[mammamia77]

My parents own two houses (one they live in and the other they rent out). The mortgage on the house they rent out is coming to an end and my parents have been deciding if they want to keep their current tenants or sell up. That was until today when my dad mentioned 'gifting' the house to my sister (aged 20) as another option. Obviously I know that the house belongs to my parents and they are free to do whatever they want with it, but I couldn't help feeling upset about this.

I'm 27 and bought my property aged 25 through hard work and years of saving, so I feel that it is unfair that I had to work so hard to buy my house and my sister just gets gifted with one. My sister could sense I was a bit annoyed over the situation and said something along the lines of 'I don't know what your problem is, you already have your own house'

So, AIBU unreasonable for feeling a bit pissed off that my sister may be given a house basically for free when I had to work so hard for mine?

You're right, OP, this is extremely hurtful. If they want to gift a house maybe they should sell that one and provide deposit money to your younger sister. I really think you need to talk to your parents!

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, I would also be feeling upset at this favouritism.

However I also can’t help feeling sorry for the tenant who has presumably paid for the house and will now have to leave and find somewhere else to live. Not easy finding rental properties either at the moment, this has the potential to cause them a lot of stress especially if they have children settled in a nearby school. I’ve seen it happen and it’s awful :(

Did you directly tell your parents that you thought it was unfair? Why don't you suggest that your sister gets a mortgage on the house and release half of the equity to you?

I think some of the responses on here are bizarre equating having the opportunity to save for a deposit then take out a mortgage by living rent free for 4 years the same as being gifted a house. Yanbu to be upset by the inequality.

what does your sister do? Is she on a good wage that would enable her to get a mortgage if she had a deposit. I wonder if your DP are ready to have the house to themselves and can’t see her moving out any other way. My dd has recently left home and knowing that if I clean the house it will stay clean for more than 10 minutes is great. Her home is of course immaculate, she kept the living in a shit tip for me.

Sadly, I think parents giving one child an extra quarter of a million pounds would upset many people. Can you not help them all out while you're alive? By leaving it until after death, you risk causing bad feelings which can't ever be resolved. It's not going to help that vulnerable person to be resented by the rest of their family.

it’s going to cause ill will no matter what happens. There’s people above that are telling op to go nc, they think it’s reasonable for a family to not speak again because of a choice parents have made about how to spend their money to help one of their children. When my mother started talking about everything going to my younger brother who has Aspergers, the rest of my family started into discussions about how to make it fairer, whereas I said ffs he’s the only one of us with no job or house and yes we have mortgages not a house but welcome to life!!! Our whole family is only starting to talk again after years. I WISH my mum had waited until after she had gone so she didn’t see the shit that’s gone on- no big gigantic blow out but her kids (us) now don’t meet up anymore and when we do we tiptoe around each other

YANBU. DH's parents did this, bought his sister a house outright. We didn't know until she was about to move in and PIL casually dropped it into the conversation over dinner. They didn't ask DH how he felt about it, FIL just said "we knew you wouldn't mind because you're all sorted anyway" and changed the subject. At the time we'd owned our first house (a fixer upper in a slightly dodgy area) about 1 year, we had a 2 year old and we were both working long hours in order to afford the necessary renovations (which DH mostly did himself) on top of the mortgage payments. So yes, whilst in some respects we were "sorted", we were nowhere near the same level of "sorted" as owning a house mortgage free. DH pretended not to care but I know he was privately gutted at the blatant favouritism.

So many people are missing the point.
Every child should have the same support given to them by parents. As a parent I can’t imagine giving to one child and nothing to the other.

OP I am in similar position, my sibling (who worked when they felt like it) was gifted a house and over the years a lot of money. Meanwhile there has been times I scraped by and could barely pay my rent then mortgage whilst working long hours as a nurse.

My parents should have given us both the same. This has caused so many fueds over the many many years this has been happening. Sadly I no longer see my DP. It wasn’t about the money, but how we have been treated completely differently.

Please sit down as a family and talk about this as no matter what you have you are should be given equal.

Genuine questio though, how would they divide the house between the two of you? Bit silly to sell it and pay capital gains tax (my family have limited assets and no property and decreasing the family wealth like that, especially when your parents might need care in their old age seems a risky thing to do, but that may be because I come at from a less privileged background and would never decrease family wealth for the sake of wanting "fair").
So then the other option would be they sign it over to both of you but your sister lives in it or pays half rent to you? Fair in monetary terms but could get awkward. Or you keep renting it out and split the proceeds? Again Fair, but then you both become landlords and all that entails whether you want to or not.

And I think the points about whether your parents will need this income in their old age is valid.

My point is, I guess, before you have a conversation with your parents about this, you should have some thought-through alternatives that you think would work and also appreciate that they might have wider financial plans than just a whole "this is unfair" spiel. And whilst it is unfair... I do think k you should pay a bit more attention to the posters reminding you how fortunate you've been. Whilst your parents decision IS unfair and you cam definitely point that out, if they stick with it, it's really not worth ruining your relationship over, especially given the position you are in and wealth you are likely to amass over your lifetime given that position.

The answer is to mortgage the house for half it's value and give the capital sum to the sister to reduce her mortgage.

I don't understand these posts defending the parents because the sister isn't in a position to save enough, or have a good enough job. Or the OP getting a hard time because she chose to save up for a deposit and the sister hasn't. The fact is the parents are being extremely unfair. Unless the sister has some additional needs we don't know about, the op should get treated the same as her sister. The parents could wait and give her the house they are currently living in, but you never know what's going to happen, they may have to go into a care home and the house is sold etc, leaving the op with next to nothing and the sister has had the benefit of living in a house that's been paid for by her parents all her adult life.

Inheritance is a gift, but a given, but when it comes to siblings it should be 50/50 all the way

I can't believe that anyone wouldn't be upset if a sibling was gifted a mortgage free house by their parents, whilst they had a mortgage.

Both siblings are young. Who knows what could happen in the future. But on this scenario the younger sibling had been given unfair financial assistance, especially with the rise in interest rates etc.

I have two DC both in early adulthood. One potentially has greater earning potential than the other. But I still could not imagine a situation where assets are not split equally between them.

Just to address a few comments I've seen - sorry if I offended anyone with my comment about my parents deciding whether to keep their tenants. I do agree that it's sad that they may potentially lose the home they've lived in for years if my parents sell the house but unfortunately it's just one of the sad realities of renting out a property. I don't think my parents are bad people for potentially going with this option as it is their home at the end of they day that they worked hard for and lived in for many years before they rented it out.

Also some posters have asked whether my parents have always shown favouritism towards my sister - I would say we have both had a very privileged upbringing and I have never felt that things have been unfair, until now. I think this has all come about because my sister is always moaning about wanting to move out and wanting her own space.

So many people are missing the point.
Every child should have the same support given to them by parents. As a parent I can’t imagine giving to one child and nothing to the other.
But they've helped the op out over the years, just not to the same degree because she didn't need it!

But did the 20 need it? At 20 the OP didn't have a house.

A 20 year old doesn't "need" to own a home free and clear. Good grief.

This makes perfect sense to me,we're in an almost identical situation with one of our children.

well OP the only way to find out why your parents are, on the face of it, treating you unfairly is to ask them.

And if it turns out she's getting a whole house now - well you can decide how much to support your parents when they are old and infirm.

She didn't need it to make a start on owning a home, she saved her deposit and now pays a mortgage, but she's going to be paying that off for decades.

They plan to give the other one a house, not only does she not need to save for a deposit but she will never have to pay a mortgage.

It's bizarre to want to gift one child a full house, while the other one has to pay a mortgage for decades.

it may look bizarre from the outside. Maybe it is batshit. Maybe the parents have what are, to them at least - which is the important thing, reasons to do this.

If OP thinks it's unfair, she has canvassed opinions just in case she can't see the wood for the trees, she can directly ask the parents. She knows that on the face of it it looks unfair, and can calmly ask for clarification.

Then she can decide how she wants her relationship with her family to look.

Going through a similar situation.

I don’t see the logic behind your parents decision - you have a house with a mortgage, it’s not paid off. I imagine you will have many years, especially with the current climate paying this off too. So it’s an entirely different situation to just give your sister a house. What they should do is sell their house and split it - 50% to your sister for a down payment, and 50% to you to reduce your mortgage!

Buying a house on a teacher's salary after saving for 5 years. Impressive.

At the time I bought my house, I was earning around £1800 a month. Really wasn't hard to save a large chunk of that money whilst living at home rent free.

Absolutely horrible thing to do. They should sell the house and give you half each. Perhaps you could have a word with them and tell them how grossly unfair they're being.

Your sister is being naive too if she can't understand why you'd feel annoyed and resentful.

Similar situation here, my brother got given a larger percentage of my parents house. Eventually it was changed and was divided equally between us all but it's caused a rift. It's horrible when you think that your parents love one of their children more than you, story of my life right there.

I bought a house when I was 25 and earning £20K a year, some of these posts are just bizarre.
In your situation I would be very clear and tell DP that they can do what they please but that decisions have consequences and in this case it would be me resenting DS and them and a change in our relationship.