To be upset about my sister being given a house by my parents

[mammamia77]

My parents own two houses (one they live in and the other they rent out). The mortgage on the house they rent out is coming to an end and my parents have been deciding if they want to keep their current tenants or sell up. That was until today when my dad mentioned 'gifting' the house to my sister (aged 20) as another option. Obviously I know that the house belongs to my parents and they are free to do whatever they want with it, but I couldn't help feeling upset about this.

I'm 27 and bought my property aged 25 through hard work and years of saving, so I feel that it is unfair that I had to work so hard to buy my house and my sister just gets gifted with one. My sister could sense I was a bit annoyed over the situation and said something along the lines of 'I don't know what your problem is, you already have your own house'

So, AIBU unreasonable for feeling a bit pissed off that my sister may be given a house basically for free when I had to work so hard for mine?

https://mol.im/a/12082151

This would be the fairest option. Your sister would still have a decent deposit but you could pay a good chunk down on your mortgage. Could you quietly have a word with your parents and suggest this to them.

You have my profound sympathy over this. I think it’s awful and profoundly unjust. I’m in my 60s, mum of 2, and I try to be fair in my financial gifts. I get on very well with my younger brother and I sometimes think it’s because our parents were fair to us. When they got to the end of their lives, my brother were able to supplier each other and them. In their wills, no surprises, everything split 50/50. Mine will be the same.

Your parents are setting your sister and you up for conflict, how very foolish of them. And your sister sounds like an entitled wench!

I can't really find anything defensible in your parents' line of thinking. The blatant favouristism has been well-covered but I'm also strugglimg to get past casual chats about booting out some poor tenant so a 20 yr old can have more room for her diamonds or whatever.

Gross.

So what are you going to do now? Are you going to speak up? You never said anything at the time but are you gonna say something now? More fool you if you don't.

Mumsnet madness at its finest. You're torn apart for living at home rent free and then equally told you couldn't have saved to buy a house and you must be lying😂

Not sure if people realise that not everyone makes 100k a year but we are more than capable of saving and owning a property on our measly pauper wages😂

Your parents are being totally unreasonable.

Personally, I think YABU. You've had enormous privilege and so much help from your parents, it seems really childish to say 'it's not fair'. I'm sure you'll continue to benefit from your generous parents. I would count my blessings.

Why the fuck do parents do this.? My aunt paid for her ds’s deposit which was over £100k .She also gave him money to renovate the house and pays most of his monthly mortgage. She has three other children and she gives them nothing.
The three other children bought their property by working hard and taking on extra

shifts. The son she helped buy a house for is a lazy , spoilt waste of space
At present two of my aunt’s dcs are not on speaking terms with her. She doesn’t think she has done anything wrong.

OP we are really going to have a problem when MiL does. She has left her house equally between her 2 DS. My dh is one of her sons. We have a copy of the will. Both sons are equal executors and if DH dies I become an executor and inherit DH's half. If we both die my dear children inherit DH share. It clearly states the house must be sold and money split between her 2 son's. We have our own home. DS lives at home and has never married. He is waited on hand and foot by MiL. BiL has lived in that home since birth. How on earth can we sell it and make him move? He won't have enough savings to buy DH half of the house from him. If he does not want to move all DH can think of is allowing his brother to pay rent on his half of the house but it would mean DH could not get his equity out of the house. Even though MiL has been very fair it will still be very difficult.

He will have to either get a mortgage or rent. Tough shit. Do not let him keep your DH's half indefinitely.

It really depends, you anbu but being a DM of 3 adults I can honestly say I might do this, there are reasons for this, my youngest DD is a really hard worker, but has chosen a profession that's means she might struggle a bit with supporting herself. Eldest won a lot of money a few years ago which they bought a second property with & I know for a fact that there would be no issue if we gifted youngest DD money. 3rd doesn't talk to any of us & hasn't for years, but does have children so we would pass money to them when they're older, unless ds changes his mind & one day talks to us.

Having said this, in your position if there were no factors like I describe above I would be narked because fundamentally I do think people should treat their DC's equally, but would stress that everyone has a different starting point so to speak

Yes there will be CGT to pay as it has not been the main family home. I will have to pay CGT on money for the full value of home even though gifting £50k to my son.

This is never really about the money. It is about unfairness, and one child being less favoured or even outright rejected.
that has massive emotional consequences, even when you’re talking £25 in the pot to inherit.
my father has cut all contact with me, after a lifetime of controlling me by shaming me. I’m 99.99% sure his will won’t benefit me. But he’s pretty ill and nursing fees are £1000+ per week and I would think his house will need to sold shortly as his cash runs out (no idea what cash he has ). In practice it’s highly likely that my siblings, whom I’m very close to , will inherit little if anything, and I don’t begrudge them anything they do get. But, when I am informed that I’m not in the will (by my own siblings who are executors) , even though I know it’s highly likely, it will still send those appalling emotions of rejection through me again, that even in his death my Dad wanted to ensure I was shamed and blamed like a small child being told off. And he was prepared to do that despite knowing it would cause some uncomfortableness between us siblings on all parties.

I don’t get why some people do this. Why don’t they want their children and grandchildren to know they’re all loved equally, treated equally, respected equally, why on earth would you choose to be remembered for being so divisive and cruel?

it’s as the saying go: “it’s not what you say, it’s not what you do, it’s how you make people feel that they’ll remember” (or something like)

I don’t think you are been unreasonable at all tbh, I’d have a chat with them and explain how you feel.
mph and I have an older daughter 26 who also went to uni worked hard, secured herself a job, saved and bought her first house last year on her own (25) not sure why people are going on one about this 🤯 Well done you for saving and getting on the property ladder.

The problem is his age. He is 59 and MiL is still going strong. He could be 68 plus when she dies. He won't be able to get a mortgage. I'm going to keep out of it and let DH sort it out. He is very kind hearted though. I can easily envisage BiL saying he is too old to move and can't get a mortgage.

Some poster saying they would do this if one child was better off, had better career, better prospects.

here’s the warning…

even the most comfortably off, in secure jobs, with roofs over theirs heads can end up loosing almost everything . You simply don’t know what’s round the corner. My ex worked in professional roles until he was in his forties, and then developed sever and enduring mental illness - he didn’t work ever again beyond 43 . It was only my job that kept us with roof over our heads, and we were in debt a lot of the time. We then did come out of that bleak period, as I got promotions and better pay, but it shows how close being destitute is to most people who, on the face of it, have secure jobs , good salaries

There are people who end up living hand to mouth due to physical illnesses and disabilities that develop later in life

redunancy can take a heavy toll

and in the meantime the “poorer” sibling with the “inheritance” can use that money to make more money and end far better off, never mind that they could (extreme I know) win the lottery or premium bonds for all you know

the situation people are in right now, is not a given for how they will be in the future. The world changes. Peoples lives change. Not always for the better .

No you are not!
I had exactly the same. It was so hurt.

Eventually I had the guts to say to my lovely Dad…. It’s okay Dad, it’s your money and Mums…. If you both want to pretend you have only one child… not two… then go for it.
Thats up to you.

You can keep your money.
I will make my own way in this world.

Also, I commented, I do not own a house. I have a mortgage and I default because of pregnancy issues or employment issues I will no longer have a home.

I think people should treat their children equally

If my parents were going to give my brother some money, they'd give the same to me

Everything split 50/50 always has been

I think in general people gift or sign over inheritance to those they love. Eg if someone won the lottery they might give immediate family a high amount, more distant relatives a smaller amount and maybe treat friends to something like a weekend away or a party. It's all relative to how close they sre. Of course not everyone thinks like this but its fairly standard for children and spouses to gain the most from these situations.
Which is why it feels so wrong to gift one child something life changing and not gift the other child something of equal value. Unless there is an inherent unfairness in their lives where it could be seen that one child genuinely needs more help (eg one child is disabled or ill or something else outside their control) and even then some parents would question whether it would still be best to be equal.
I think I'd raise it. And your sister is a bit selfish to ha e the attitude of 'you've already got a house'. You don't, you have a mortgage. And her being mortgage free will mean she ends up ultimately better off (or can easily waste a lot of money doing whatever luxury things she enjoys without sacrificing a deposit). And even if you had paid it off...its just wrong at any age. Imagine getting one child to buy sweets out of their pocket money and then buying the other child sweets as the first 'had already got some'. Or imagine if it was some precious high item of hers...would she really be ok with your parents gifting you similar one christmas and then not getting her anything because she already had one.

YANBU, a similar thing happened to me, I am eldest, and have two younger sisters, the youngest has had significantly more financial support, not quite a whole house but significant cash gifts, deposit paid on house, car bought, holidays funded, furniture bought. I haven’t had anything since I left home at 21, however I am now better off than my parents and siblings so now don’t need anything although I had a very difficult spell in my late20s when my marriage broke down. The middle sister actually challenged my parents and asked for a loan, she lives abroad and needed help to buy a house, parents loaned her the money, she has no intention of paying the money back.

all I can say is that sometimes it’s because your parents financial situation has Improved so they can afford do this now, I suspect my parents also wanted to get my younger sister off their hands, to put into context, she didn’t get her own house until she was nearly 40 although she had spells where she rented etc.

honestly, nothing you can do, it’s their money but it’s pretty shit.

I don't understand why people are so shocked you've managed to buy a house. My partner and I bought our first house when we were 21 after less than 2 years of saving in our non professional jobs in 2016. It might come as a shock to some southerners but the south east of England isn't the centre of the universe, a whole other world exists out there...

YANBU OP, poor show from your parents if they go ahead with this without an equal share for you. 100k would be an amazing chunk off your mortgage and a great start for your sister to buy a flat or house of her own.

Also, even if they plan on leaving the other house to you in their will, it might be sold to pay their care at some point. No guarantee you'll ever see a penny from it!

Sounds very unfair. Shitty thing to do, favouring one child over another.

yanbu
My sister has made poor life choices, works very part time and to be fair is really financially vulnerable. I am also on a low income but do marginally better than her because I work my arse off.
My mum favours my sister financially and although she hasn’t bought her a house, she takes her on holiday, regularly bails her out financially and buys her and her children things that she would never gift us. I have never said anything but it has really fractured the relationship over the years. On the upside, I feel really grateful to be independent and determined.
im sorry op, it’s very hurtful.