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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's morally wrong to enter into a new relationship with serious health issues?

220 replies

Antisocialfluffmonster · 09/05/2023 09:36

Throwing this out there for debate.

I've been single for a decade after my partner died. This initially was due to work and childcare issues, the only childcare over night I had was for work, and I genuinely didn't have time to date, as a bereaved single parent, I don't get "weekends off".

Anyway, since then I've developed severe health issues, I will never get better, and no it's not because I'm a negative Nancy, it's because it's degenerative.

I'm in my early 40s, work full time mostly from home, spend a lot of non-work time in bed because work exhausts me. Have pets and hobbies, and friends, and my kids. Don't really do holidays as they exhaust me, nothing to do with the kids and all to do with travel and different food and things.

I've planned so that once the kids leave home, they will never be expected to come back and help me. They will be free to live their own lives. Due to health issues I will never own my own home, (can't get life insurance and probably won't live long enough to pay it off) but if I go before pension age the kids will have a sizeable deposit on a house for themselves.

I have a full life, lots of hobbies, pets, friends. I even have friends with benefits. But I don't date any more. I don't allow for any of those friends to go any further. In the past I've been ranted at, "surely it's my decision?"... Nope it's mine, yes it's lonely when you're stuck in bed and desperately wish there was someone else there to get you a cup of tea, but it's not a good enough excuse to have such a negative impact on someone else's life.

I do get a bit cross when friends and family suggest "you've just not met the right person" as if meeting someone else, however wonderful changes the fundamental feeling that it would be wrong to pull them into the reality of my life. I have met some absolutely incredible people, people who I'd have been very happy with, but it's because I cared about them and respected them that I didn't want it to go any further.

I have had counselling over this, and I've accepted the reality of the situation that this creates for me, and I'm genuinely happy with my life, just not my health. I wish my favourite hobbies didn't leave me crippled in bed for a week after it, but that's life.

At least with a FWB, if I'm too ill to get out of bed, or I don't feel sexual for 6 months, it's no big deal, or I'm in so much pain I'm vomiting uncontrollably it's no big deal. It doesn't impact their life in any way. Any dating profiles I have make it clear what's on offer and about my health, so I'm not leading anyone on.

What do you think? AIBU?

I know each person has to make their own decision, but I can be a bit of a judgemental a/hole when I see other very sick people entering the dating pool. So I probably do deserve a bit of flack for that.

OP posts:
CoronationKicking · 09/05/2023 09:39

No it's not morally wrong. Why would it be? You think people with disabilities should remain single forever just because you choose to?

duvetcovereddissident · 09/05/2023 09:40

Obviously if you don't want a relationship, then that is entirely up to you. Nobody has to have a relationship against their will. Sounds like you prefer to be single.

Greenqueen40 · 09/05/2023 09:42

It would be helpful to know what the issue is, I'm sure there are plenty of people with the same thing in relationships!

Original poster
Antisocialfluffmonster · 09/05/2023 09:44

CoronationKicking · 09/05/2023 09:39

No it's not morally wrong. Why would it be? You think people with disabilities should remain single forever just because you choose to?

I didn't mention disabilities at all, as disabled people can and do have full lives, it was specifically about serious and long term health issues before you meet someone / get married. No one can predict the future. People in relationships get sick, but that's very different from choosing to put someone else in the position once you're already sick.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 09/05/2023 09:45

I think as long as you’re open with people about your health issues and what they mean in reality for how often you’re likely to be able to see somebody then it’s up to them to decide whether or not to see how things go.

HowDoYouDoWhatYouDoToMeIWishIKnew · 09/05/2023 09:46

It may not be something you choose to do, but 2 consenting and fully aware adults forming a relationship isn't morally wrong at all.

Original poster
Antisocialfluffmonster · 09/05/2023 09:49

Greenqueen40 · 09/05/2023 09:42

It would be helpful to know what the issue is, I'm sure there are plenty of people with the same thing in relationships!

I have multiple autoimmune diseases, chronic fatigue, long covid, joint disorders the works and before all of that, I have been disabled since childhood. So my body is a ruin lol

If you're already in a relationship that to me is entirely different, you can't predict the future. But to know you are very sick with no hope of improvement, and still choose to enter into a relationship, in my opinion is horrifically selfish.

OP posts:
NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 09/05/2023 09:49

It's not morally wrong at all. Why should people with illnesses not want and have companionship? As long as you're upfront with the person early on, so they can decide if this is something they can deal with (or not), there's nothing wrong with being 'in the dating pool'. Who knows, maybe someone else with health issues will be a good match too?

glitterisntgendered · 09/05/2023 09:51

You've every right to do what you want but it's not morally wrong. I dated a man who I knew from the start would be dead within 10 years at most. He lived for 2 and died while I was very much in love with him. He brought nothing but good to my life. That's not immoral. You've a right to your own choices but don't do it because you believe you're doing it for the moral greater good.

Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight · 09/05/2023 09:51

Not at all wrong to date as long as you are upfront about your condition. I don’t understand why you think it morally wrong.

A different thing if you hid your condition until a new partner was invested in the relationship.

It might put some people off, but you could meet someone in a similar position who is relieved to find someone who understands. You might meet someone who thinks that anything can happen, so why not be happy for a while and not worry about the future?

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 09/05/2023 09:51

If you've already firmly decided it's "horrifically selfish", why are you asking?

drawingmaps · 09/05/2023 09:52

I don't think it's morally wrong, no.
But more to the point, I don't think it's fair of you to judge other sick people for getting into relationships. Not to be harsh, but you've had kids, presumably had a relationship of some meaning in your life, and you've made a choice with that background. I'm 22, and like a lot of people my age these days, I haven't been in a relationship over three months. If I gave up on it now, just because I'm chronically ill, I'd never get to experience that part of life.

LostAtTheCrossRoad · 09/05/2023 09:52

YANBU to make your own decisions for your own life.

YABVVVU to judge others for making different decisions.

It's as simple as that.

BadNomad · 09/05/2023 09:53

Morally wrong? No. As long as people are open and honest, why is it wrong?

Seas164 · 09/05/2023 09:53

Antisocialfluffmonster · 09/05/2023 09:44

I didn't mention disabilities at all, as disabled people can and do have full lives, it was specifically about serious and long term health issues before you meet someone / get married. No one can predict the future. People in relationships get sick, but that's very different from choosing to put someone else in the position once you're already sick.

Show quote history

Horifically selfish?

I feel that if you're open and honest with the person you're dating then as an adult with as much agency as you, then it's not your choice whether they want to be in the situation, it's theirs.

CoronationKicking · 09/05/2023 09:54

"Horrifically selfish"

Have a fucking word OP. Self flagellate and martyr yourself forever just so you can say you were doing everyone a favour if you must, but don't slate others who prefer to get on with living their lives their way.

And yes, your post about "health issues" does include lots of people with disabilities whether you are comfortable with that or not.

Original poster
Antisocialfluffmonster · 09/05/2023 09:54

duvetcovereddissident · 09/05/2023 09:40

Obviously if you don't want a relationship, then that is entirely up to you. Nobody has to have a relationship against their will. Sounds like you prefer to be single.

Not at all, choosing to accept a situation, is not the same thing as choosing it.

I would much prefer to be in a relationship, as my obscene kindle library can confirm. If I were to enter a relationship, no matter how honest and upfront I was, I would be knowingly subjecting that person to the realities of my condition. It's not like we met when I was ok, and now they are sticking by my side.

and as I said, it's a debate, so I accept that other people may have different opinions.

OP posts:
BarbedButterfly · 09/05/2023 09:56

Of course it isn't wrong as long as you are open and honest about the impact. Though as someone with numerous auto immune issues it has been very hard on my partner. The key thing is being willing to get help so you keep that relationship and avoid carer burnout.

There seem to be plenty of people on here who hate holidays and I'm a home body so happy to cuddle up watching movies. Also encouraging them to have their own separate interests and hobbies or maybe travel with friends if that is important.

Anyone can get seriously ill at anytime and at least you have an idea from the start in this case.

HowDoYouDoWhatYouDoToMeIWishIKnew · 09/05/2023 09:56

horrifically selfish

Fucking hell.

Martyr yourself all you want, but stop casting moral judgements on others.

BadNomad · 09/05/2023 09:57

Surely someone sticking by your side is harder in a way because the relationship is now different from the one they entered into. Whereas if you're ill from the start, then your partner knows what they're getting into and are actively choosing it.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 09/05/2023 09:58

I think you're self-sabotaging because you're afraid of being rejected, and you're trying to convince yourself it's because you're morally superior. Are you still in counselling?

BarbedButterfly · 09/05/2023 09:58

Also, you are not defined by your limitations. I am sure you have plenty to offer someone even if you aren't out running marathons. Just keep the dialogue open.

Seas164 · 09/05/2023 09:59

I'd say that there were people all over the world with autoimmune diseases, chronic fatigue, long covid, joint disorders and disabilities plus may other ailments that are in fulfilling happy relationships with loving partners.

If you choose to opt out of relationships, that is entirely up to you. You don't need to dress it up as a favour to humanity though.

Original poster
Antisocialfluffmonster · 09/05/2023 10:00

CoronationKicking · 09/05/2023 09:54

"Horrifically selfish"

Have a fucking word OP. Self flagellate and martyr yourself forever just so you can say you were doing everyone a favour if you must, but don't slate others who prefer to get on with living their lives their way.

And yes, your post about "health issues" does include lots of people with disabilities whether you are comfortable with that or not.

And yes, your post about "health issues" does include lots of people with disabilities whether you are comfortable with that or not

as someone who is both disabled (lifelong) and sick, there is a huge difference. I'm at the stage now that there is no hope of improvement or possible treatments.

but as I said it was a debate and I do think it's horrifically selfish.

OP posts:
Puppers · 09/05/2023 10:00

Seas164 · 09/05/2023 09:53

Horifically selfish?

I feel that if you're open and honest with the person you're dating then as an adult with as much agency as you, then it's not your choice whether they want to be in the situation, it's theirs.

Show quote history

Of course it's still OP's choice. She can decide not to be in a relationship for any reason she likes, including because she thinks it's not in the other person's best interests. It's always the choice of the person who says no, whatever their reason is.