It's morally wrong to enter into a new relationship with serious health issues?

[Antisocialfluffmonster]

Throwing this out there for debate.

I've been single for a decade after my partner died. This initially was due to work and childcare issues, the only childcare over night I had was for work, and I genuinely didn't have time to date, as a bereaved single parent, I don't get "weekends off".

Anyway, since then I've developed severe health issues, I will never get better, and no it's not because I'm a negative Nancy, it's because it's degenerative.

I'm in my early 40s, work full time mostly from home, spend a lot of non-work time in bed because work exhausts me. Have pets and hobbies, and friends, and my kids. Don't really do holidays as they exhaust me, nothing to do with the kids and all to do with travel and different food and things.

I've planned so that once the kids leave home, they will never be expected to come back and help me. They will be free to live their own lives. Due to health issues I will never own my own home, (can't get life insurance and probably won't live long enough to pay it off) but if I go before pension age the kids will have a sizeable deposit on a house for themselves.

I have a full life, lots of hobbies, pets, friends. I even have friends with benefits. But I don't date any more. I don't allow for any of those friends to go any further. In the past I've been ranted at, "surely it's my decision?"... Nope it's mine, yes it's lonely when you're stuck in bed and desperately wish there was someone else there to get you a cup of tea, but it's not a good enough excuse to have such a negative impact on someone else's life.

I do get a bit cross when friends and family suggest "you've just not met the right person" as if meeting someone else, however wonderful changes the fundamental feeling that it would be wrong to pull them into the reality of my life. I have met some absolutely incredible people, people who I'd have been very happy with, but it's because I cared about them and respected them that I didn't want it to go any further.

I have had counselling over this, and I've accepted the reality of the situation that this creates for me, and I'm genuinely happy with my life, just not my health. I wish my favourite hobbies didn't leave me crippled in bed for a week after it, but that's life.

At least with a FWB, if I'm too ill to get out of bed, or I don't feel sexual for 6 months, it's no big deal, or I'm in so much pain I'm vomiting uncontrollably it's no big deal. It doesn't impact their life in any way. Any dating profiles I have make it clear what's on offer and about my health, so I'm not leading anyone on.

What do you think? AIBU?

I know each person has to make their own decision, but I can be a bit of a judgemental a/hole when I see other very sick people entering the dating pool. So I probably do deserve a bit of flack for that.

I haven't read TFT but saw you have children. Did you have them before your diagnosis? If not, then surely that is more selfish than a relationship.

Yes, you may have been recovering better when you were younger, but if it is something with a predictable trajectory, that was selfish according to your own logic. In fact, infinitely more selfish.

And I'm sorry for your loss being widowed, but if he were around now he would be dealing with what you don't want a new partner to deal with. Do you have any condition now that you didn't have when you married? If it is just the symptoms whic increased, you were just kicking the problem down the road.

And I noticed you said you keep your suffering hidden from loved ones. Yes, a stiff upper lip and all that, but by refusing to be vulnerable in front of them, and also in refusing to allow them to show love through caring, you artificially cut part of those relationships short too.

Is it a fear of rejection? If they see you vulnerable they'll be repulsed? So with your family and friends, you just don't show them, and you refuse to entertain the idea of a lover?

Honestly its your choice noone elses maybe even if you didnt have health problems you might not want a live in relationship. I for instance have never hadlong term health problems but ive never been married lived with a partner or had a long term partner. Why, because im just not interested in sex never cared about it,never liked it id love a relationship.someone in my life but i wouldnt want to live with anyone full,time and i dont want sex so ive accepted my situation as its very unlikely ill meet anyone who wants same as i, how many men just want a close friendship they want sex and im so uninterested i doubt i could even fake it.lol guess im, asexul

But i have a full social life run a meet up group with two friends,yes there are lonely bits but i have to live with that.does everyone have to have a live in relationship,why do they, you sound quite happy and to have overcome your health problems well would a relationship really be what you want. Not all men sre caring,

Plenty of us in same situation but have partners who are accepting of our situation sounds like you are pushing everyone away including your kids

As long as both people go in to any relationship with no secrets, full knowledge and mutual consent then it is not morally wrong imo
It is possible for those already in relationships to become ill so you could end up in the same position anyway.

I met my now husband who has cerebral palsy and epilepsy. He was upfront from the beginning.
We hit it off and fell in love. At every key moment ( first holiday together, first meeting the parents) it was totally my call if it was "too mich" he'd understand.
His condition isnt what he is, it is just part of his life. I was fully aware of what will happen in the future and I'm accepting entering each new phase of our life together with his health a priority.

Life is too short. I am in my 50s now and had friends and their partners develop health conditions well into the relationship, or life changing injuries.

You cannot predict the future, only know what the consequences. I'll take my chances with a pre known condition than ane that pops up later. That is my choice to chose who I love and accept the life we have together for however long we have.

I guess some people will be put off by a life changing diagnosis or terminal condition. Many relationships that are casual may not reach the point of being affected.
FWIW I think, go out and live your life. Date. Be upfront. See what happens, let the other person decide what is 'too much'.

I had the exact same thoughts about this thread. Not really sure what the point of it is?

As you say, if the OP doesn’t feel it’s appropriate to date then don’t date! No one is saying you have to.

But equally, it’s not up to you to decide what’s best for others any more than we have the right to tell you how to conduct your personal/ sex life.

sounds to me like this is really about being unhappy with your own choices, OP, and you are seeking validation from others to confirm it

I am sorry @Antisocialfluffmonster that your health is so poor and you are suffering.

One thing that struck me was you say you have been disabled since childhood (think you referred to it was EDS ? - a rare genetic condition affecting skin and joints.)

How did you feel about this when you were dating as a younger person and married? Would your current stance of not getting into a relationship have applied then? I don't know a lot about your condition but a quick search seems to show it's degenerative.

I think if you had said in your subject line that you feel it's immoral to enter into a relationship now as your health is worse, that's fair enough. But you can't apply that to other people.

When you posted, did you want people to agree, as it made your 'choice' of not having a relationship now or in future easier to handle?

You say you are too ill to go out, have visitors and engage in anything social, so how would you meet anyone anyway?

I'm sorry you are in this state of health and don't give up hope of new treatments.

You have admitted that you would love to be in a relationship, however it seems that under the circumstances you are unlikely to meet someone and in order to rationalise/come to terms with that loss, you are saying that it's morally wrong anyway.
I'm also sorry that you are unwell. 🤗

Meh. I've seen several friends in relationship s with issues like these and seen friends watch their husbands die too. Love is a funny thing and real love is in Sickness and in Health. You sound like you think you're on the scrapheap but you need to work with whatever shortened lifespan you have to make it a life worth living. Don't make a life full of regret. If you have a shortened life, or one with truly bad days, you need to make the other days as fantastic as you can. What I've achieved since diagnosis far outweighs everything that went before.

Yes and no.

I remember people looking at themselves in a special way once I’d spent 4 weeks in hospital.

When I first came came out of hospital I had to listen to murder mysteries and every one of them was someone with a chronic illness ; my condition being strangled or whatever by their partner as acceptable by the good old British public at whatever cost.

disgusting that the British nation thinks this is the way to go.

I feel very sorry for you @Antisocialfluffmonster as you are carrying a lot of pain- literally and physically.

But it does come across that you 'd like a relationship.

It's unlikely to happen as you are housebound although you could chat to men online and it may develop further.

And yes, some men would run a mile from anyone with a host of illnesses that mean they can't do much.

But not all.

To me, it looks as if rather than face potential disappointment in being rejected, you have decided to make this into a moral or ethical choice. You want everyone to agree that it's wrong for anyone who's ill to start a relationship.

This lets you off the hook of making choices for yourself, taking risks, and seeing what happens if you did meet someone. It's far easier for you to live with a 'blanket ban' on a relationship if everyone else tells you it wouldn't be right.

I wish you well, hope that some man will love you if that's what you want and indeed that medical science may come up with some treatments that work.

I was on dating sites just over a year ago, as I didn’t know how extensive it was going to be or that I wasn’t going to be able to get treatment.

I’ve had long running fwb for years. I still am in touch with the person as they have been a friend for years, that doesn’t change just because I can no longer have what we once did.

I don’t actually have a dating profile now of course.

im a single parent with no relatives living nearby. I do the same as any parent would. It doesn’t matter how ill I am, if I need to for my kids I will get up. If my work needs me to go somewhere and that pays the bills I get up.

as any other parent would, you put aside whatever is going on with you, deal with the consequences later.

You did say in your first post that you had friends (plural) with benefits.
Are you saying now that you have one who has become a friend but you don't have sex any more?

At least with a FWB, if I'm too ill to get out of bed, or I don't feel sexual for 6 months, it's no big deal

I find this very odd. You went through the trauma of your husband dying young, so surely that wasn't a 'big deal' in terms of no sex for some time?

Many long marriages go through fallow times with sex. It's part and parcel of being with someone for decades.

I asked something in a previous post.
You knew from being a child that you had a degenerative condition (forgive me if I've got it wrong) but you married and had children. Your late H took you on knowing that.

Why was that choice different to your choices now?

I do leave the house, I’m a single parent, I have no choice. If my kids need something, I go out, I have bills to pay, I might work from bed most of the time but occasionally they need me to do something and I do it, I can’t afford not to.

I’ve had the absolute luck of the devil with my career in life as I picked something that wasn’t physical, I’m also very good at what I do, and I get paid based on results. So if I put the effort into not looking sick, and if they want me to go somewhere it makes a major difference to the family finances for me to go.

i know when I go on a trip, I’m going to be recovering for more than a month, but the rewards of that trip mean that the kids can have tutors, and hobbies, I can get help in the house, the kids can have the life they deserve.

I have dated as a disabled person, I’ve always been upfront about my health. You’re right some people aren’t interested but some were. I just personally feel it’s different now.

You are doing amazingly well! Honestly, if you can travel for work and earn shedloads at your job, then you are doing brilliantly!

Your other posts painted a much gloomier picture but I accept you have good and bad weeks.

Not all relationships are about hot sex 24/7. I'm sorry you were widowed so young but there are men out there who will love you for what you are, and not expect hot sex 24/7.

Honestly, I'd keep an open mind on what life has to offer you. Don't make it into a moral issue based on the fact you don't value yourself and what you can or can't bring to a relationship. Let the other person choose how much they want if you meet anyone.

The phrase 'cutting your nose off to spite your face' does come to mind!

Good luck x

The only thing different is that you have decided that this point in the progress of your deteriorating health is your limit. As you may have noticed, some people judge you for having children knowing you had conditions/disabilities. But your "morals" didn't consider that a limit. Yet you're fine with judging other people for having different limits. It's a bit hypocritical.

Agreed. Other people’s line in the sand may well be ‘I wouldn’t have children knowing I have a chronic, degenerative illness’. And that’s entirely their decision to make. Equally they can only make decisions for themselves, not somebody else.

OP I am in a similar situation to you, minus the friends with benefits. I also belive that it would not be fair to enter into a new relationship given the limatations of my day to day life and the likelihood that I will die young. People just don't know what something like this involves and I think it wold be cruel to encourage anyone to get ;attached' to me.
My former partner insists on sticking by me but this makes me very uncomfortable. I know he is just doing it out of obligation and I would rather he get on with his own life. He didn't sign up for this!

He doesn’t get to insist, surely? If you feel that strongly about it, you can end the relationship yourself. No one can insist on staying in a relationship with you that you don’t want.

This.