It's morally wrong to enter into a new relationship with serious health issues?

[Antisocialfluffmonster]

Throwing this out there for debate.

I've been single for a decade after my partner died. This initially was due to work and childcare issues, the only childcare over night I had was for work, and I genuinely didn't have time to date, as a bereaved single parent, I don't get "weekends off".

Anyway, since then I've developed severe health issues, I will never get better, and no it's not because I'm a negative Nancy, it's because it's degenerative.

I'm in my early 40s, work full time mostly from home, spend a lot of non-work time in bed because work exhausts me. Have pets and hobbies, and friends, and my kids. Don't really do holidays as they exhaust me, nothing to do with the kids and all to do with travel and different food and things.

I've planned so that once the kids leave home, they will never be expected to come back and help me. They will be free to live their own lives. Due to health issues I will never own my own home, (can't get life insurance and probably won't live long enough to pay it off) but if I go before pension age the kids will have a sizeable deposit on a house for themselves.

I have a full life, lots of hobbies, pets, friends. I even have friends with benefits. But I don't date any more. I don't allow for any of those friends to go any further. In the past I've been ranted at, "surely it's my decision?"... Nope it's mine, yes it's lonely when you're stuck in bed and desperately wish there was someone else there to get you a cup of tea, but it's not a good enough excuse to have such a negative impact on someone else's life.

I do get a bit cross when friends and family suggest "you've just not met the right person" as if meeting someone else, however wonderful changes the fundamental feeling that it would be wrong to pull them into the reality of my life. I have met some absolutely incredible people, people who I'd have been very happy with, but it's because I cared about them and respected them that I didn't want it to go any further.

I have had counselling over this, and I've accepted the reality of the situation that this creates for me, and I'm genuinely happy with my life, just not my health. I wish my favourite hobbies didn't leave me crippled in bed for a week after it, but that's life.

At least with a FWB, if I'm too ill to get out of bed, or I don't feel sexual for 6 months, it's no big deal, or I'm in so much pain I'm vomiting uncontrollably it's no big deal. It doesn't impact their life in any way. Any dating profiles I have make it clear what's on offer and about my health, so I'm not leading anyone on.

What do you think? AIBU?

I know each person has to make their own decision, but I can be a bit of a judgemental a/hole when I see other very sick people entering the dating pool. So I probably do deserve a bit of flack for that.

I do not think it is morally wrong. I think you however know your own circumstances and are the best judge of this and everyone else should butt out.

No, I disagree with you. I don't think it's morally wrong, as long as you are completely transparent with the other person and they go in with their eyes wide open. That's their decision in my view.

Of course, you are entitled to make your own decision too, and if you feel that you don't want to be in a relationship because of your health issues or for any other reason, then it is entirely your right to choose.

Stating that it is morally wrong implies that you would judge others for making a different choice, though, and personally, I don't think that's any of your business.

I have a genetic condition that affects all my joints, along with various organs, causes pain and fatigue etc… I am getting married next year. He loves me and while sometimes seeing me so unwell makes him sad, he would never choose to leave me or not have loved me because of it. I don’t think that’s selfish of me, immoral of me or unethical of me. I am not going to spend my life alone because I’m disabled. I have lots of positives that I bring to his life, my whole personality is not “sick” so why should that be the major part of my relationship?

I think there are different ideas of what makes "a relationship." In my experience, being deeply in love means imagining any life apart is impossible and being with the person I loved would matter most to me, if they were ill.

My partner is a widower, however, and it took him years of pain and the help of therapy to be able to love again, because he'd watched the woman he loved get ill and die. I imagine you're coming from that place, having experienced the terrible pain and loss, and don't want to put someone you love through that.

A therapist might suggest some anger at you lost loved one is being projected onto those you say you judge for getting into relationships despite their illness. Only you can tell, though.

I think it's very difficult, probably impossible, for people who haven't suffered like that to imagine what it's like and so they're going into relationships without full awareness of what might happen. However, it's their right and part of living life is to take such risks, to seize the joy and love while we can.

I admire you for not wanting to put others through pain, but also I do believe there are people who would choose to be with you and suffer the struggles and pain with you, because for some people meaning and fulfilment are found in loving despite the pain.

I get what you mean OP, and for the record, I'm truly sorry. I had a chronic fatigue diagnosis 10 years ago and whilst im better at pacing myself now, I still get relapses if I'm triggered. I know, for me, that there is a sense of real loss when I'm consigned to my bed and I feel it keenly for DH and kids when I can't join in. Ultimately, if someone loves you and wants to share life with you (including the tunnel parts) and you love them back, then don't disqualify yourself. Love is universal and does not discriminate. Sounds like you're deserving of that cup of tea in bed.

@Highdaysandholidays1 thank you for the very thoughtful response.

I think it's balancing my own desires (I'm not an unfeeling potato) with my sense of responsibility to the other person. If I liked or loved someone, the last thing I'd want to do is hurt them, but a relationship with me these days wouldn't be positive for them however much I wish that wasn't the case.

I admire your attitude hugely, most people aren't that selfless! Or realistic.

I might think it's morally wrong if you hide the facts from your partner. Assuming not, of course it's not morally wrong to date with health issues.

Morally wrong? You’re seriously over thinking this.

Go out, have fun, meet people. Be open about your condition, and anyone you meet can make their own decisions. Just see what develops.

People in relationships get sick, but that's very different from choosing to put someone else in the position once you're already sick.

The choice works both ways. You’re denying potential partners any choice. Of course that’s your prerogative but it seems a bit sad and defeatist.

Couldn't disagree with you more. It's morally wrong to condemn people to a lifetime of being single against their wishes because that's what you've condemned yourself to.

I already had my lifelong illness when I met my husband. You may well think I'm extremely selfish entering into a relationship with him. He thinks he's the luckiest man alive to have met someone who enriches his life as much as I do. Because I may not be able to go out on long hikes or dancing at the weekends, but I make him laugh till his sides hurt and he loves the home and family we've built together.

If I were to enter a relationship, no matter how honest and upfront I was, I would be knowingly subjecting that person to the realities of my condition.

But they would be knowingly going into the relationship with someone with a degenerative illness. They have agency too you know!

I can work and pay the bills, but spend weeks at a time not even able to hold a conversation with someone or even watch tv. I could choose different priorities, ok I probably should choose them, but I want my kids to have a good start in life.

So this is really about you having other priorities (work, kids etc) and that's absolutely fine.

Your life, your choice but don't think that you speak for the population as a whole.

As for your personal choice if that's the way you genuinely feel fair enough but I hope that you're not sat there behaving like a martyr (because you want to be persuaded otherwise).

IMO this stems from the death of your partner. Ultimately you don't want to be the reason for someone else's grief. And although I respect that, I think you have closed yourself off from affection that could really enrich your life. But again it is your life and only you can make those decisions. At the end of the day, only you will have the regrets (or not).
But with this subject as a whole. Really if the person with the illness/disability has been open and honest and the other partner is aware of the situation then really the choice is given to the other person, it is there decision to make.
Disabled/ill people are not selfish for wanting love and affection, and others are not foolish for loving them!

@Hillsmakeyoustrong Thank you for your lovely reply. I only did a condition dump at the start as someone asked, but I'm not in a relapse / remit type situation. I do hope that you continue to pace yourself and have a blast (in a sensible manner!).

I do hold up my hands to having a very rigid way of thinking, and to me, loving someone is also not wanting to do them harm or let them come to harm.

This, with bells on.

OP, you are free to live your life the way you want to. But please don't term it as a morally right decision. It's not. You cannot label it as that for everyone on this world.

I do hold up my hands to having a very rigid way of thinking, and to me, loving someone is also not wanting to do them harm or let them come to harm.

Not wanting to harm a loved one is not due to a 'rigid way of thinking'.

To be fair they might be a treatment one day for your condition.

If somebody wants to be with you and say they do and you want to be with them - I think why not. It's a cliche, but better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all.

I do hold up my hands to having a very rigid way of thinking, and to me, loving someone is also not wanting to do them harm or let them come to harm.

You're only looking at harms and ignoring all potential good that could come of a relationship. That person might be far happier loving someone with a long term illness than being single and lonely.

I would say the majority of people have one issue or another that could foreseeably "hurt" their partner - debt, mental illnesses, drug or alcohol problems, difficult family, difficult ex... if all of those people gave up relationships forever, there's be a lot of single people!

If you don't have the energy to date, that is fine, but don't dress it up as a moral choice and judge others for choosing differently.

I have autoimmune diseases. I have a couple of friends in their 20s with chronic fatigue and ME (they still work but it’s a struggle). Should they be single for the rest of their lives even though they’re in their 20s?

Stephen Hawking married his nurse long after he was in a wheelchair and talking with the robot voice.

You do you, but don't judge others.

@AgnesX As I said at the start of the post, it was a debate

For me to be looking to be persuaded otherwise, or to be a martyr I'd need someone with a Time Machine as I've been single for a decade. Thankfully a lot of people on the thread have really been polite, engaging and thought provoking, which was the point.

@Antisocialfluffmonster did you answer this or the other similar questions? Looked through your replies and couldn’t see it if you did.

If you haven’t already - could you explain? I think it’s a very valid question.

As a pp said it sounds a bit like travelling the world on a plane then admonishing those who go on holidays abroad for ruining the environment. You’ve had your kids and now you’re implying others are selfish for getting into relationships??

Relationships exist in many forms.
And we each have the freedom to dictate how that relationship looks. Or not to have those relationships.

It may be casual, serious, long or short term term, with or without expectations of marriage or living together.
It may involve sex, it may not. It may be mostly chatting online, or phone. You may only meet in cafes or venues, you may only visit each other at home. You can see each other once a day or once a month. You have have a torrid love affair or be friends. You can have romance or none.
You can see someone when you feel up to it, or when they are good, share as much or as little as you like.
Depend a lot on each other or hardly at all.
And everything in between.

You are allowed to create a relationship that works for you.
As long as you are both open and consenting morals don't come into it.

I understand where you are coming from OP and I think some of the PPs have been quite harsh.

I personally wouldn't judge anyone who has a disability for getting into a relationship. I can only imagine finding someone is difficult. Maybe I'm selfish but many disabilities would put me off a potential partner, I live a certain lifestyle and I wouldn't want to give that up. So if I had a disability myself I suppose I would feel disingenuous to get into a relationship knowing I wouldn't if the tables were turned.