It's morally wrong to enter into a new relationship with serious health issues?

[Antisocialfluffmonster]

Throwing this out there for debate.

I've been single for a decade after my partner died. This initially was due to work and childcare issues, the only childcare over night I had was for work, and I genuinely didn't have time to date, as a bereaved single parent, I don't get "weekends off".

Anyway, since then I've developed severe health issues, I will never get better, and no it's not because I'm a negative Nancy, it's because it's degenerative.

I'm in my early 40s, work full time mostly from home, spend a lot of non-work time in bed because work exhausts me. Have pets and hobbies, and friends, and my kids. Don't really do holidays as they exhaust me, nothing to do with the kids and all to do with travel and different food and things.

I've planned so that once the kids leave home, they will never be expected to come back and help me. They will be free to live their own lives. Due to health issues I will never own my own home, (can't get life insurance and probably won't live long enough to pay it off) but if I go before pension age the kids will have a sizeable deposit on a house for themselves.

I have a full life, lots of hobbies, pets, friends. I even have friends with benefits. But I don't date any more. I don't allow for any of those friends to go any further. In the past I've been ranted at, "surely it's my decision?"... Nope it's mine, yes it's lonely when you're stuck in bed and desperately wish there was someone else there to get you a cup of tea, but it's not a good enough excuse to have such a negative impact on someone else's life.

I do get a bit cross when friends and family suggest "you've just not met the right person" as if meeting someone else, however wonderful changes the fundamental feeling that it would be wrong to pull them into the reality of my life. I have met some absolutely incredible people, people who I'd have been very happy with, but it's because I cared about them and respected them that I didn't want it to go any further.

I have had counselling over this, and I've accepted the reality of the situation that this creates for me, and I'm genuinely happy with my life, just not my health. I wish my favourite hobbies didn't leave me crippled in bed for a week after it, but that's life.

At least with a FWB, if I'm too ill to get out of bed, or I don't feel sexual for 6 months, it's no big deal, or I'm in so much pain I'm vomiting uncontrollably it's no big deal. It doesn't impact their life in any way. Any dating profiles I have make it clear what's on offer and about my health, so I'm not leading anyone on.

What do you think? AIBU?

I know each person has to make their own decision, but I can be a bit of a judgemental a/hole when I see other very sick people entering the dating pool. So I probably do deserve a bit of flack for that.

@CoronationKicking

calling people names and swearing to make your point: pistols at dawn.

I'm not horrified at all at other people's stories, people have opened up with amazing examples of having made things work and why they disagree with me. That's the reason it's a debate, because you can actually discuss it rather than just shouting someone down.

My personal story of where the line was for me between just being my normal disabled / chronically ill self , and the point I became too sick to even be myself any more, is just that. I absolutely get to define it, to believe that there's a point where it's not ok to get involved with someone else.

Just like a whole lot of people on this thread can choose to totally disagree with me, explain why I'm wrong and give a different view point.

It's not something I would discuss with my family and friends, my friends would see it as some kind of invitation to try and set me up, and that would be incredibly distressing.

Ah it's the word "fuck" that's upset you.

I haven't called you names, I'm not cross, there are no fucking pistols at dawn. I just think you are unnecessarily judgmental of people and are acting the martyr.

Oh ta, I'll be sure to let DP know.

His answer if I told him I had been horrifically selfish with my multiple autoimmune and connective tissue diseases in giving him the time of day would be an unequivocal 'Good.' followed by 'What idiot's been trying to fill your head with that ableist bollocks?'.

A good few doses of im steroids and going onto biologics kicked me straight out of the I'm a worthless piece of shit cycle, by the way. But, then again, I never made a point of trying to make other disabled people feel like crap by attempting to instigate a eugenicist pile on to improve my day...

Quiet day in the PCP think tanks trying to work out how to turn the focus away from the local election clusterfuck and back onto disabled people being useless eaters again, by any chance?

I'm sorry OP but I think you're doing that thing whereby you want to do X but feel guilty about it so you make an entire moral case about why anyone who does do it is ethically dubious.

If you don't want to be in a relationship, don't. If you do, and he's there, and this is some sort of test... be careful how long you push him away for.

Thank you for the lovely message.

It’s not morally wrong to seek a relationship when chronically ill with degenerative life limiting conditions and disabilities. You are disclosing all this to any potential partners, so they know what they would be choosing if they chose to enter a relationship with you.

What I am reading though, is that due to your illnesses/disabilities you simply do not have the time or energy to put into a relationship and so are choosing to stay single. This is completely OK. You don’t need to frame it as a moral/immoral choice though in order to justify it.

@DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder

You're absolutely right, I would love to not be single, but it is such an insanely selfish thing to want to do, when I can't go to the bathroom on my own that I wouldn't act on it. I mean I'm in my 40s and can hardly get myself washed more than once a week, or brush my hair, no one's beating down the doors looking to wed me and bed me lol.

Thankfully the only man bothered about having dinner with me and snuggling in bed is the cat. so we are all good, no lives messed with or feelings hurt.

I got the impression from the OP that there was indeed someone.

You must do what's right for you.

But don't deny yourself happiness out of any misplaced sense of morality. So many things masquerade as "morals" when they are not.

You do whatever you like. If you don't want to date then don't.
If people with health conditions are open from the start then if the other person chooses to enter into a relationship with that person no one is being selfish.

Your sickness sounds like my disability

And I am in a relationship

And I am not horrifically selfish

But thanks for the judgement. I'm glad you think you are more morally right than me.

Not wrong at all as long as you are honest about your limitations. Many people have complex health conditions and reduced life expectancy, they date!

@ChopperC110P
What I am reading though, is that due to your illnesses/disabilities you simply do not have the time or energy to put into a relationship and so are choosing to stay single.

I think the comment earlier that I was viewing this as transactional was pretty spot on, if I'm not bringing something positive to a relationship, I don't think I should be in one. If I have no energy or personalty or time left to put actual effort into being in a relationship, again I shouldn't be in one.

It sounds like have a good life and FWB seems ideal for you. It’s fine and nothing to do with morals whether you choose to remain single. Enjoy you life and don’t ruin it thinking you’re selfish.

Not morally wrong at all, as long as you're open and honest about it. One of my relatives has a serious degenerative condition and he's soon about to get married. His wife- to-be loves who he is and knows exactly what she's doing and what might be involved. How can that be morally wrong?

Yes I do! Haha I thought you might have it by your description but wasn’t sure! I’m fortunate that it’s not too debilitating (I can walk with a stick most of the time and only need a wheelchair for longer distances, I can work part time still, I can mostly cope with washing myself etc) but thank you. I wish good things for you too

Your partner can be the judge of whether you bring something positive to them. When you love someone, they are the gift.

I haven't said what the illness is as it's a very common one with relatively simple life-saving treatment options. I just so happen to be allergic to all of them and I honestly can't be bothered listening to dozens of people telling me how they were cured with anal prayer beads or whatever MLM guff they insist on trying to push.

I didn't saying it was selfish to be in a relationship, it was starting a new relationship when you are already very sick with no hope of improvement.

But lots of other people have disagreed with that, and given great examples.

I may be totally wrong, but the only person that gets hurt by me not dating is me.

I was ok with it (ish) for a while, I was on crutches for about 10 years ok, and honestly thought I'd be able to cope, but got whacked with something else last year and just that's it really.

OP you have a sort of resolution about you that you don’t see often. I find it quite admirable but I hope you let a potential partner decide if he/she wants to take the risk. Still I admire your desire to do no harm, to want to bring something to your relationship - perhaps you can’t see what you offer just now and it’s fine not to date in that state of mind.

No one should make you feel guilty for caring so much about doing the right thing by someone you’d potentially love right? I mean people choose not to have children for the same reason - there was a thread recently. I don’t think they were attacked for not bringing kids into their lives for that reason.

Hi @Antisocialfluffmonster, I have also struggled with dating since I was diagnosed with a chronic cancer. Incurable but it has not (thankfully) impacted my life yet, physical health wise anyway. I am not sure if anyone would really even consider dating me know because of it. It’s tough. I wouldn’t even know when to bring it up.

I understand your thought process and send you my best wishes. I suppose it’s good that not many have agreed with your post, so you can get another perspective on the matter.

I have a lifelong disability and I was married at 21. My partner of 40 years died a few years ago and I have since started another relationship. My condition has deteriorated over the years and I am definitely not what I was at 21 (are any of us !!) but it didn’t stop me from getting involved again. I was open and honest from the start about my disability and the fact that an aspect of it is degenerative. My partner fully accepted this and supports my condition as and when is needed. It doesn’t stop us from being happy together - we came to the conclusion that dwelling on what may or may not happen in the future is of no consequence if you live in the here and now.

If I’m honest I would say this isn’t a decision you should make unilaterally and set in stone. You never know what’s round the next bend in life and it seems harsh to rule out the most basic of human emotions - love and comfort - because of a health condition. Better to keep yourself open to the possibility and then if something does present itself, as long as you are honest from the start and they know what to expect, then it’s a decision you can make together as the circumstances dictate.

You say you don’t think you have anything positive to bring to a relationship and I find that difficult to accept - your health condition doesn’t make you inherently unlovable. And love is very definitely a positive. If you’re truly loved, you can overcome anything and find happiness in the most extraordinary of situations. I know this from personal experience. Not once, but twice. Keep an open mind.

*Now not know🙈

I have a friend who entered a relationship with someone who didn't tell them they had terminal cancer. When my friend found out, they made the decision to leave the relationship. It's had a profound, negative effect. They carry guilt for leaving the relationship, feelings that they were unfairly used as a prop in a play & they haven't been able to move forward. The ex partner wanted one last rush of love - I get that - but it's cost my friend dear.

oh that is a horrific situation. Your poor friend!

Personally I think your comments could be pretty insulting to all the other people out there with "faults" or challenges. Many women here will have mental or health disabilities. That doesn't mean they can't make good partners.

BUT YANBU for deciding how you want to live your life and if you don't feel comfortable being in a relationship, then YANBU to pursue more casual relationships.

All the best OP x