It's morally wrong to enter into a new relationship with serious health issues?

[Antisocialfluffmonster]

Throwing this out there for debate.

I've been single for a decade after my partner died. This initially was due to work and childcare issues, the only childcare over night I had was for work, and I genuinely didn't have time to date, as a bereaved single parent, I don't get "weekends off".

Anyway, since then I've developed severe health issues, I will never get better, and no it's not because I'm a negative Nancy, it's because it's degenerative.

I'm in my early 40s, work full time mostly from home, spend a lot of non-work time in bed because work exhausts me. Have pets and hobbies, and friends, and my kids. Don't really do holidays as they exhaust me, nothing to do with the kids and all to do with travel and different food and things.

I've planned so that once the kids leave home, they will never be expected to come back and help me. They will be free to live their own lives. Due to health issues I will never own my own home, (can't get life insurance and probably won't live long enough to pay it off) but if I go before pension age the kids will have a sizeable deposit on a house for themselves.

I have a full life, lots of hobbies, pets, friends. I even have friends with benefits. But I don't date any more. I don't allow for any of those friends to go any further. In the past I've been ranted at, "surely it's my decision?"... Nope it's mine, yes it's lonely when you're stuck in bed and desperately wish there was someone else there to get you a cup of tea, but it's not a good enough excuse to have such a negative impact on someone else's life.

I do get a bit cross when friends and family suggest "you've just not met the right person" as if meeting someone else, however wonderful changes the fundamental feeling that it would be wrong to pull them into the reality of my life. I have met some absolutely incredible people, people who I'd have been very happy with, but it's because I cared about them and respected them that I didn't want it to go any further.

I have had counselling over this, and I've accepted the reality of the situation that this creates for me, and I'm genuinely happy with my life, just not my health. I wish my favourite hobbies didn't leave me crippled in bed for a week after it, but that's life.

At least with a FWB, if I'm too ill to get out of bed, or I don't feel sexual for 6 months, it's no big deal, or I'm in so much pain I'm vomiting uncontrollably it's no big deal. It doesn't impact their life in any way. Any dating profiles I have make it clear what's on offer and about my health, so I'm not leading anyone on.

What do you think? AIBU?

I know each person has to make their own decision, but I can be a bit of a judgemental a/hole when I see other very sick people entering the dating pool. So I probably do deserve a bit of flack for that.

Be upfront and honest. On the TV programme First Dates they had someone who was terminally ill at the age of (I think 26). We are all on a terminal decline, just go out and see what happens, you never know who is around the corner.

It's not morally wrong at all as long as you are completely honest.
My friend met his partner after she'd been diagnosed with terminal cancer and they had three happy years together before she died.
He says he would not have changed a thing.

I don’t think it’s morally wrong. My 22yo Dd has various chronic health conditions which means her quality of life is poor and she seems to be on a downward slope. She can’t go abroad as she can’t get travel insurance, she probably won’t ever get a mortgage or life insurance. She is worn out a lot of the time so doesn’t go clubbing, etc. She still dates.

If it’s easier for YOU to stay single then fair enough, but to judge everybody by your standards is very wrong. Everybody has the right to make their own informed decision.
You sound like you are martyring yourself and I’m sure you think it’s the right thing, but I believe that’s probably going to be harder for those around you than caring for you will ever be.

I really am glad you have good friends and family around you OP. But you do understand that I think relationships, friendships etc should not be only- or necessarily at all- about how the other party can benefit? I think there have to be bad bits shared too, as you say ‘in sickness and in health’

I’m curious if you nursed your late partner either immediately before his death or at all during your relationship? I know that kind of caring role can massively influence feelings about receiving care for oneself. I wonder; I expect your late partner would think you ‘deserving’ of care as your illness progresses - though again I don’t think care in the context of a relationship should be merely quod pro quo either.

Are you angry with other people who are chronically sick who are dating because you are jealous? You are denying yourself this opportunity, maybe for coping reasons, and then to see other people not deny themselves is infuriating? Is there also a fear that they are coping better because they are not holding themselves back?

I don't see how it can ever be morally wrong, if both parties go into it with their eyes open.

The only way it could be morally questionable is if one's hoodwinking the other.

Not read the whole thread. But I think it's not morally wrong. I think it's moral to be completely open with the new partner at an early stage, so that they can choose freely.

But just because you have serious health issues, doesn't mean you have nothing to offer someone. They might absolutely love your sense of humour, your kindness, your ability to understand them, your approach to life and the world. They might weigh that more highly, and that is their choice to make.

It is not morally wrong at all.

When I met my now DH he was completely upfront about that fact that he had a number of chronic conditions. At the time, he expected to live about 2 years. We decided to take the risk anyway.

We have been very lucky in that due to medical advances, DH now has one straightforwardly manageable health condition.

The initial conversation was 25 years ago. We have been happily married for over 20 years with two children and I am still grateful every day that we took that chance, even though the odds were not in our favour at the time.

You can make your own relationship decisions, but it is repugnant for you to judge other people who make different decisions.

Sorry to hear about all the challenges you're facing, OP. And it sounds like you're making good choices for you.

But I also disagree wholeheartedly that it's selfish to get into a relationship if you have poor health. To me, this perspective seems to misunderstand the very nature of being human: every loving relationship risks serious, heartbreaking loss; we all face uncertainty, and we are all ultimately going to die. It also underestimates the capacity of humans to love and care throughout serious difficulties, and the capacity for very painful things to still be worthwhile.

Wishing you all the very best, OP.

YANBU to decide that in your situation it wouldn't be right for you or for a potential partner to enter into a relationship.
YABU to judge others for that, especially as you don't know their exact circumstances.

I do think it is wrong for people with similar issues to you to enter a relationship without disclosing those issues and what is then involved to a potential new partner. People should be able to make an informed decision about whether they want to become involved, given the facts of the situation.

I have a friend with a long-term illness which could relapse at any point. A couple of years ago when we first met we really clicked and it looked like it might turn into something - attraction and feelings on both sides. But he said that it would not be fair to me as he sometimes suffers side-effects from treatment and also he does not always have any strength and energy to spare and therefore is not in a position to have a relationship. And that was fine, I've accepted that and we are now great friends and meet up with each other from time to time when he is feeling up to it.
But if he'd said this is the situation, I would like to begin a relationship with you, but it could be hard, then I would have agreed to that to.

It's all about being honest with people and the person who has the illness is the one who needs to decide whether a relationship is possible and if that's what they want.

You are not being unreasonable to make the decision you have made for yourself, and to have a rationale for that which frames it as an ethical decision.

YABU to extend this as a general rule which is what you have done in this thread title. It being the right and ethical choice for you does not mean that it's an absolute moral principle to be applied to all people in the same category as "its morally wrong to steal" or "its morally wrong to lie".

So as long as you make these statements as applying to you solely "It would not feel right for me to enter into a new relationship given my serious health issues" then there's is nothing wrong there. All your choice.

Absolute statements of "It is morally wrong for someone to enter a new relationship if they have serious health issues" are inappropriate and unreasonable and so if this is not what you mean you need to be very careful with your wording to make sure it is understood that this isn't your meaning. Your thread title doesn't do very well at this clarity.

I dont feel its morally wrong, as long as the other person knows the situation and goes into the relationship willingly and with full disclosure. The rpessure youre feelign is from other people, who feel 'better' if youre in a long term relationship - that moves the burden of care /responsibility for you long term firmly away from them,a nd to your partner. Selfish, but thats social pressure for you. Do what you like! You sound pretty switched on and lke you are happy on your own.

I disagree with you on a fundamental level - you can feel that way about yourself but no, I don't think it's selfish for someone with long-term health issues to have a relationship.

Don't impose your own thinking (which is skewed by your perspective) onto other people.

I've no doubt your perspective is coming from a place of a long time feeling like your health is a lot to deal with for other people - your insistence that you won't 'burden' your children gives me that impression too - and I know that chronic health conditions can do a number on your sense of self, what you feel you offer to other people, and how you relate to them. I'm geninely sorry that you feel so strongly about not burdening other people that you would deny yourself a chance at a happy relationship but you don't get to judge people for making a different decision.

Being upfront about your health and what that entails - yes, very important, if it pre-exists the relationship. Everyone should go in with their eyes open. But unless you don't want a relationship, why would you deny yourself one with someone who's fully informed of what that would entail and still chooses to make that commitment?

DH has some quite severe and, at points, limiting MH issues. I was fully aware of them when we got together and I would hope that he doesn't for a second feel selfish for being married to me because I'm an adult and I made a decision about what I could or couldn't cope with. He's worth every second of it - as I'm sure you would be if you found someone you wanted to share life with.

@Winterisalmostover
but there good men out there willing to have a relationship with someone who has long term disabilities

Absolutely agree, of course there are! I've met lots of really decent and interesting people in the past.

The thing is, when I think of myself, I've been disabled since I was a child, that's like the regular me, that had issues, but still lived a full life. Dated wildly, had relationships, was a friend, a family member etc. I was the ultimate wild child. (it's biting me in the bum now with two teenage girls let me tell you!)

I wasn't able to actually have a relationship for the last long while because as I mentioned, when their dad died I was in this situation where the only time I had away from the kids was actually when I was travelling for work, I didn't get any other time to myself, and I don't regret it, I love spending time with them when they were wee, so I just had a friend who also travelled for work and sometimes we met up during the course of working. Dinners, dates etc. It was lovely and We are still friends.

Kids are a lot older now, and I could date, but I think that I do already give my all of my good moments to family and friends and those moments are all I really have to offer and I don't even have visitors outside of them. The only people who see me when I'm bad are the kids, but I pay for care so they aren't being expected to look after me.

I have the luck of the devil when it comes to work. I can work from bed, and around the times where I can't even open my eyes, I've always fallen on my feet with work, with not very much effort even but it means even on a day where I can't go to the toilet unaided, I can work. Downside is after work, I'm of no use to man nor beast, I can work and pay the bills, but spend weeks at a time not even able to hold a conversation with someone or even watch tv. I could choose different priorities, ok I probably should choose them, but I want my kids to have a good start in life.

I'd honestly feel like I was stealing someone's life and maybe stopping them from meeting someone much more able to actively live that life with them.

But it's a debate, and it's good to hear other people's perspectives on it!

One of my friends dated someone who was terminally ill. He asked her out and she accepted knowing this was a short term relationship!! When he died she said the love was greater in the year they’d had together than in another relationship she’d had. There was no game playing and he was very straight forward in their relationship.
That said I’m really sorry about your health and if you feel angry then that’s understandable.

Seriously what even is this thread. You keep saying it's a debate but you clearly think every sick person should be working over and above any other quality of life and think anyone who prioritises enjoying themselves or love is selfish. And good for you that you were a wild child. Some of us never had the chance to do that before we got sick. Some of us never even had sex before we got sick. This is like a wealthy person saying "oh I'll never go on a plane again and neither should anyone else" when actually they've already been all over the globe longhaul and are now judging someone who is planning their first ever shorthaul holiday who can only afford it because it's a discounted package deal.

It's not a debate, as you're not engaging with anyone.

I see what you are saying a bit differently.

I don't think it's morally wrong to enter a relationship with serious health problems, people do all the time, especially over the age of 55/60, when pretty much everyone ends up with something wrong with them!

I think you have decided though that it's too much for someone else. I feel the same. I don't feel my best dating self with serious health problems, and I do wonder who would want to take that on. The stats are that men are far more likely to leave when their partner gets sick, so there isn't a whole queue of men of middle-age desperate to date women who are in bed quite often and disabled. When I go on dating sites, they are all looking for someone to go walking, adventuring, and travelling, none of which would be in my capacity right now. It's different if you already know each other, and so have built a friendship/attraction out of that; much harder to cobble one together from scratch.

I actually don't want to be looked after by a partner either, it's not an equal type of an experience. I hate receiving care anyway, but the thought of that being from the start of an intimate romantic relationship- it's not for me anyway. I have cared for my partner but again, different when you have lived 15 years together before they decline.

I think you have decided that realistically your prospects of finding the type of match you want are quite low, and have come to terms with that.

It's also true if you have limited energy, then looking after kids/pets/friends can fill a whole life and it seems time left over for relationships is lacking.

None of this makes it immoral to have a relationship, and nor do I think anyone doing it differently should be judged- good on them.

Aslong as you make the person aware early on then its their choice if they want to take that on. I wouldn't personally but lots of others probably wouldn't mind

I dont see how it is morally wrong if the other person enters into the relationship with full disclosure. It is not even as if they have to stay in the relationship if they find down the line they cant actually cope with the reality.
The way that i would frame the debate if i were in your situation is not to focus on morality but to acknowledge to myself that there was a real possibility that they might bail out down the line and ask myself whether i would find that scenario harder to cope with than never having entered into the relationship in the first place.

If your DC are teenagers it presumably wont be that long until they head off to uni or whatever. I read today that by the time your children are 18 you will already have spent 93% of the total time you will spend with them. No idea how accurate that is (I read it on instragram!) but it did make me reflect on a few things.

@beeskipa, oh I've had some amazing relationships, and you're very right, I've no right to dictate what other people do.

I do see a big difference in me 5 years ago, disabled and ill, sure but still able to contribute positively to a relationship. (I didn't at the time due to childcare, but I had an intimate friend). We could make plans, and sometimes those plans would have to change, or have to be cancelled, but for example, if they wanted to call me, there was a good chance I'd be able to talk. We could go out, have dinner, go on trips, talk about books, watch TV, just engage with each other and it was great.

I'm really thankful that we were just friends though, as if you're in a relationship, it's not like if you're partner can no longer do, all of the things you enjoyed doing, you can just walk off and do them with someone else. The loss for one is a loss for both.

I am aware I have very rigid thinking, something is either right, or it's wrong. There's no way I can talk myself around to doing something.

There is no wrong or right. You think it’s wrong, I don’t think it is. I couldn’t and wouldn’t try to change your point of view. Every situation is different. There is no rule book.

OP I think you are very clear eyed, realistic and a very moral person yourself. And kind of amazing. You clearly have a horror of depending on or burdening anyone else (you don't look for anything from your children either). I think I would be exactly of your way of thinking in your situation and would not want to.enter any relationship on what I would see as unequal terms. But honestly, most people don't think like that and while the responses to you are a bit more negative than I expected, they are probably reflective of wider thinking. You should continue exactly as you are but I think most people won't get it. Maybe because they like to think they wouldn't take these things into account if they were looking for someone (they'd be a fool if they didn't in my view) or they like to believe love conquers all (it doesn't). Do I think it is immoral or selfish to enter into a relationship where you know your issues will cause the other person to 'suffer'? A little bit, but I guess worse things are done every minute of every day.

Lots of people want a relationship of companionship and love. They don’t mind if you don’t feel sexual. Most people can deal without constant sex! not all men have high sex drives. You want someone who loves you and who will hold your hair back when you’re vomiting. They don’t have to live with you. They can be a long term partner you see as much as you like.