It's morally wrong to enter into a new relationship with serious health issues?

[Antisocialfluffmonster]

Throwing this out there for debate.

I've been single for a decade after my partner died. This initially was due to work and childcare issues, the only childcare over night I had was for work, and I genuinely didn't have time to date, as a bereaved single parent, I don't get "weekends off".

Anyway, since then I've developed severe health issues, I will never get better, and no it's not because I'm a negative Nancy, it's because it's degenerative.

I'm in my early 40s, work full time mostly from home, spend a lot of non-work time in bed because work exhausts me. Have pets and hobbies, and friends, and my kids. Don't really do holidays as they exhaust me, nothing to do with the kids and all to do with travel and different food and things.

I've planned so that once the kids leave home, they will never be expected to come back and help me. They will be free to live their own lives. Due to health issues I will never own my own home, (can't get life insurance and probably won't live long enough to pay it off) but if I go before pension age the kids will have a sizeable deposit on a house for themselves.

I have a full life, lots of hobbies, pets, friends. I even have friends with benefits. But I don't date any more. I don't allow for any of those friends to go any further. In the past I've been ranted at, "surely it's my decision?"... Nope it's mine, yes it's lonely when you're stuck in bed and desperately wish there was someone else there to get you a cup of tea, but it's not a good enough excuse to have such a negative impact on someone else's life.

I do get a bit cross when friends and family suggest "you've just not met the right person" as if meeting someone else, however wonderful changes the fundamental feeling that it would be wrong to pull them into the reality of my life. I have met some absolutely incredible people, people who I'd have been very happy with, but it's because I cared about them and respected them that I didn't want it to go any further.

I have had counselling over this, and I've accepted the reality of the situation that this creates for me, and I'm genuinely happy with my life, just not my health. I wish my favourite hobbies didn't leave me crippled in bed for a week after it, but that's life.

At least with a FWB, if I'm too ill to get out of bed, or I don't feel sexual for 6 months, it's no big deal, or I'm in so much pain I'm vomiting uncontrollably it's no big deal. It doesn't impact their life in any way. Any dating profiles I have make it clear what's on offer and about my health, so I'm not leading anyone on.

What do you think? AIBU?

I know each person has to make their own decision, but I can be a bit of a judgemental a/hole when I see other very sick people entering the dating pool. So I probably do deserve a bit of flack for that.

I was born with genetic disorders (that weren't known about til I was a young adult) and have developed several autoimmune disorders and other conditions as well as having an accident in my mid thirties which put me in a wheelchair.

Whilst I sometimes wonder why I was open to a relationship at all, it's never because of the impact of my illnesses on my partner - it's because I've grown to believe I have little to no tolerance for twattery.

I'm up front with people about my conditions and always have been. Anyone getting involved with me either knows and understands it, or hasn't bothered to listen or further research before getting involved with me.

Nobody has been forced to be in a relationship with me.

And I deserve love.

Seriously, go wobble your head. You're entitled to your opinions but this isn't so much a debate as a nasty attack.

I think you are protecting yourself op. You realise, that even if someone insists they can cope, what happens further down the line? Will they actually be able to cope with the reality when you are much worse? You are knowingly putting yourself in a very emotional vulnerable position.

If you want to protect yourself from that, then that’s absolutely fine and your choice.
OTOH other peoples choice of approach might be to “enjoy the party and worry about the hangover later”

Neither approach is wrong.

Interesting OP mentioned life insurance and being able to get cover.

Of course life insurance like all insurance is a business proposition and they are free to make whatever policy exclusions they want if this or that scenario is ‘not profitable’ or ‘too risky.’ Although you do find people taking it personally because life insurance is dealing with people not cars or stuff, and even knowing it’s business it’s not nice to be essentially unwanted as a customer.

OP seems to be expecting prospective partners to take this same business-like approach to one another, and to levels of essentially ‘risk’- likelihood of caring responsibilities etc- and ‘profit’- benefits they might expect from the relationship. I think, given that we often want to expect better from the insurance companies, we should certainly expect more from people in relationship with one another. It can’t be immoral to relate to another person, and we should leave room for love, charity, kindness, selflessness, generosity in our relationships- all the qualities that make life worthwhile. I think OP experiences this with her family and friends, but it wouldn’t be wrong to experience it with a lover too if she wanted to.

IMHO, it's only morally wrong if you enter into a relationship without disclosing it first. I have long-term conditions and it was the first thing I told my partner when it was clear he was interested in a relationship.

Having a long term illness can put a strain on the relationship, it's tough and the dynamics can be quite difficult at times. My partner has been my rock for 6 years and I am so thankful for that, but I am aware not everyone is cut out for that sort of relationship. You are well within your rights to not want to put yourself into a relationship like that if you don't want it. But it's not morally wrong if you do.

Both very valid points, I'm sure I read some horrific statistic somewhere about the number of men who divorce their wives after a cancer diagnosis. It was alarmingly high.

I was looking at it from the standpoint that if someone was married, then they had signed up for in sickness and in health, but it's not as common now.

Are you hoping we'll give you reasons it's okay for you to be in a relationship OP?

Yes long term and life limiting illnesses are disabilities within any definition that matters, including the UN CRPD. OP just isn't as smart and clued up as she thinks she is.

You've really got my back up with this thread OP as I know of two couples who are or were in this exact scenario and one couple in a similar-ish scenario.

One was a neighbour growing up, a beautiful young woman with CF. She enjoyed a loving, long term relationship with a friend of a friend (it's a small town where everyone knows everyone). He knew about her condition long before they got together, and went along to some consultations with her early on in their relationship as she wanted him to be able to make an informed choice - frankly wild horses couldn't have stopped him, he was a big-hearted lad from a closeknit working class community, he was head over heels. His and her entire family wrapped around them to make their relationship (and short marriage) work. She didn't make 40, but as he said at the funeral she gave him some of the happiest years of his life.

I don't know what he's up to now but he would certainly be young enough to have another meaningful, long-term relationship and I imagine he'd make an excellent Dad given all the growth, compassion and life skills he no doubt developed caring for his sick wife.

You don't seriously judge her do you?

Well you're arguing a different point now. As I said, I'm not addressing OP's viewpoint and it's not actually one I share anyway. I was addressing your comment that it's a prospective partner's choice to get into a relationship with OP or not ("...then it's not your choice whether they want to be in the situation, it's theirs").

Saying no to a relationship for any reason is valid and is absolutely the choice of the person saying no. Whether they want it deep down, whether the other person wants it, whether it's for a reason that someone on MN has judged to be "dead daft", whether it's because the sky is blue - everyone is entitled to say no to a relationship for any reason.

I agree with this. I knew from the start that my DH had a degenerative condition. Even so, it is not always easy for either of us!

I married my DH knowing he had cancer. I knew him before we got together so knew about his diagnosis before we started our relationship. He has relapsed twice since we have been married and undergone chemo- and radio-therapy both times. His cancer is treatable but not (currently) curable.

Was it morally wrong of us to start a relationship? Of course not!! Has our relationship been worth it? Absolutely!! We none of us know how long any relationship is going to last or the direction it will take, but we take that risk anyway.

So far, we have had 15 amazing years and I will treasure them and how ever many more we are lucky enough to share.

If I were to enter a relationship, no matter how honest and upfront I was, I would be knowingly subjecting that person to the realities of my condition

It's THEIR choice. You're not subjecting anyone to anything, as long as they are fully in the picture, its up to that person to make their own choice.

Congratulations, sounds like a wonderful relationship

As long as you're open and upfront when starting to date someone about potential issues that will impact your life together, then there's no set of circumstances that should count anyone out the dating pool.

I do think it's morally wrong to hide something big and life-impacting for much longer than a few dates.

My friend had very similar conditions as yours. She met a much younger, good looking man with a good career. He adored her and they had a very happy marriage. She died from Covid. Does he regret his time with her? Not one bit. You seem to have closed your mind and made your decision, but there are good men out there willing to have a relationship with someone who has long term disabilities.

@Righthandman OP seems to be expecting prospective partners to take this same business-like approach to one another, and to levels of essentially ‘risk’- likelihood of caring responsibilities etc- and ‘profit’- benefits they might expect from the relationship.

That's an interesting take on it!

I spend all of my good moments with my family and friends already, so maybe it's just that there's no other "profit" to be had from a relationship with me. People already get the good bits, I just keep the bad bits to myself.

It's perfectly fine for you not to choose not to get into a relationship given your condition.

However its abhorrent to suggest that it's morally wrong for anyone else in your situation to get into a relationship. As long as they're open and honest about the situation, and they are both on the same page, then whose morals are they offending exactly?

I'm so sorry for your situation.

It's important that you do what is right for you and if that's staying single, then do it. If you did happen to change your mind and start a relationship with someone who knew about your health condition, you wouldn't be at all morally wrong.

I think if they know about the reality of your health problems and still want to be in a relationship with you I don't think it's immoral for you to start the relationship? As long as they know what they're letting themselves in for! If you don't want a relationship that's up to you though of course

There are definitely times when it is morally wrong but I don't think your case falls into the 'definitely wrong' category.

It was definitely morally wrong for my father to marry without telling the new wife that he had untreated diabetes, refuse to treat it, spend a LOT of their/her money on quack 'cures', tell all health professionals that 'my wife will look after me' when she had health problems of her own and he needed constant care, cause her untold stress through his lies and delusions and then die of complications of diabetes leaving hideous complicated debt.

THAT is wrong. You informing potential partners of the realities of your conditions and managing them as best you can when actually treatment options are limited, not so much.

In my opinion this is only morally wrong if you aren’t up front about what is going on for you.

If you choose not to have another relationship then that’s okay if that’s what’s best for you.

You do you 💐

If I were to enter a relationship, no matter how honest and upfront I was, I would be knowingly subjecting that person to the realities of my condition. It's not like we met when I was ok, and now they are sticking by my side.
Exactly. They would be entering the relationship with their eyes wide open.

YABU as it’s not ‘morally wrong’ (who are you to judge others in a similar situation who feel differently?)

It is your 100% choice if you want to be in a relationship or not, it’s not ‘moral’ issue. The other person involved would make a decision for themselves.

Of course it’s not morally wrong! If you would prefer not to have a relationship because of your health that’s completely fine. It would only be morally wrong if you didn’t tell someone you were in a relationship with and tried to hide it from it. Ie they should be aware of what they are getting into. But I’m sure there would be lots of good times in between the rough ones. I’ve had some lovely memories from when I’ve been sick in bed of partner doing nice things to help me out.

I think you are approaching it in the wrong way. Of course you need to be upfront about disabilities when entering into a more serious potentially long term relationship. But just to decide thats it no long term relationships when you are still relatively young does seem a bit drastic. But if you've made up your mind in the end it's up to you.

It's not immoral or horribly selfish, imo. In fact, suggesting it is somewhat robs the 'other party' of their agency. They may be hypothetical but they are (presumably) hypothetically adult and consenting and, therefore, entirely free to make their own decisions about whether they want to be in such a relationship or not. It's infantalising them to make that decision for them and for their own benefit.

But the length, depth and angle of your post honestly makes me think you are trying to shield yourself from hurt and rejection.