It's morally wrong to enter into a new relationship with serious health issues?

[Antisocialfluffmonster]

Throwing this out there for debate.

I've been single for a decade after my partner died. This initially was due to work and childcare issues, the only childcare over night I had was for work, and I genuinely didn't have time to date, as a bereaved single parent, I don't get "weekends off".

Anyway, since then I've developed severe health issues, I will never get better, and no it's not because I'm a negative Nancy, it's because it's degenerative.

I'm in my early 40s, work full time mostly from home, spend a lot of non-work time in bed because work exhausts me. Have pets and hobbies, and friends, and my kids. Don't really do holidays as they exhaust me, nothing to do with the kids and all to do with travel and different food and things.

I've planned so that once the kids leave home, they will never be expected to come back and help me. They will be free to live their own lives. Due to health issues I will never own my own home, (can't get life insurance and probably won't live long enough to pay it off) but if I go before pension age the kids will have a sizeable deposit on a house for themselves.

I have a full life, lots of hobbies, pets, friends. I even have friends with benefits. But I don't date any more. I don't allow for any of those friends to go any further. In the past I've been ranted at, "surely it's my decision?"... Nope it's mine, yes it's lonely when you're stuck in bed and desperately wish there was someone else there to get you a cup of tea, but it's not a good enough excuse to have such a negative impact on someone else's life.

I do get a bit cross when friends and family suggest "you've just not met the right person" as if meeting someone else, however wonderful changes the fundamental feeling that it would be wrong to pull them into the reality of my life. I have met some absolutely incredible people, people who I'd have been very happy with, but it's because I cared about them and respected them that I didn't want it to go any further.

I have had counselling over this, and I've accepted the reality of the situation that this creates for me, and I'm genuinely happy with my life, just not my health. I wish my favourite hobbies didn't leave me crippled in bed for a week after it, but that's life.

At least with a FWB, if I'm too ill to get out of bed, or I don't feel sexual for 6 months, it's no big deal, or I'm in so much pain I'm vomiting uncontrollably it's no big deal. It doesn't impact their life in any way. Any dating profiles I have make it clear what's on offer and about my health, so I'm not leading anyone on.

What do you think? AIBU?

I know each person has to make their own decision, but I can be a bit of a judgemental a/hole when I see other very sick people entering the dating pool. So I probably do deserve a bit of flack for that.

Counselling yes, it's been using in coming to terms with what happened and accepting that there's no treatment etc. . Counsellor didn't think my feelings on staying alone or the reasons were unusual to be fair, she was much more interested in my hatred of visitors.

Being rejected would be a lot less terrifying than someone trying to say yes that I actually cared about

I may be totally wrong, but the only person that gets hurt by me not dating is me
Well yes, correct, so don't date then.

I just don't understand what you want out of this thread OP.
Who are you trying to justify yourself to? You don't want to date/have a relationship for the reasons you have listed - so don't
Who are you trying to convince not to start a relationship? Yourself? Or other people?
It's up to each individual to decide whether they are in a position to be in a relationship or not. That's it. The only people it should concern are the person themselves, the partner and any children of either of the partners if there are any.

It’s an entirely hypothetical situation though isn’t it, as currently (unless there’s someone you haven’t mentioned), there isn’t anyone to have a relationship with. I think it’s very different making a decision based on an entirely hypothetical situation, to making a decision when in a real life situation. If you were in love with someone, and he with you, it may not be so easy to walk away.
Regardless, you are entitled to make any decision you want with regards to your personal relationships. You’re not entitled to make that decision for someone else though. I think it’s unreasonable to essentially tell people who have chosen to be in a relationship with someone who is chronically ill that they don’t know their own minds.

Surely it's much better getting into a relationship when the other party knows exactly what they're getting into, rather than starting a relationship healthy, one getting sick, and not knowing if the other is staying out of obligation? It's the latter case where you could give someone the option to leave.
It sounds like you need to work on why you feel you're not good enough. Being honest about chronic illness at the start of a relationship is not being horrifically selfish, but I think it may be what you tell yourself because you don't want to put yourself out there.

My new relationship came after my disability/sickness

You might be the only person that gets hurt by not dating, but you are hurting other people by implying we are morally wrong and horrifically selfish for daring to start a relationship whilst having life limiting conditions.

If you wanted this thread to be about you then fine. But you made it about a lot of people including me and the language you have used is hurtful.

its not like we can both whip out our illnesses and measure them. You clearly didn’t think you were too sick to date

I feel very differently

You dont get it

Its not that you think you are too sick to date. Thats your decision and utterly up to you.

But you didnt make this thread about you. You made it about lots of people and then called us morally wrong and horrifically selfish.

You said you judge people who are sick who date. They clearly dont think they are too sick to date. But you still judge them

It’s not the being honest part I think is selfish, it’s putting my own desire to not be alone ahead of someone else’s well-being.

I have taken on board other peoples comments that it’s not my decision as to whether someone’s prepared to accept my situation or not. I have no right to dictate their decisions.

The putting myself out there is a moot point though.

absolutelty not morally wrong if your honest - it doesn’t sound like you want it all that much to me? I have chronic illness and I think my partner would say that 50% of my time now is better than 100% of my time when I was technically off but v distracted with work. Life should be enjoyed and if you meet someone that’s awesome - s o many physical and mental benefits

It’s very odd that you are judgemental about sick people entering the dating pool. Why on earth would you care? And what could be wrong with it as long as potential partners are aware of it?

Life is short and you may as well live while you can. If you don’t want a relationship that is fair enough, but I have no idea why you think that is the ethical thing to do. It doesn’t matter either way.

I have a track record of managing to avoid dating entirely. Now I’m physically too Ill to socialise, leave the house, or really have visitors, go on holiday etc. I can’t even go food shopping.

unless a really hot burglar tried to break in

I have cared for a lot of people over the years, I’ve seen the impact on everyone around the sick person. I’m not going to be that person.

Everyone has agency and responsibility for their own decisions and choices. We DO owe people honesty about our circumstances and what we are looking for in a relationship. As long as you are honest with people about your health and what that would mean practically for any potential partner it is not "selfish". at all.

They are grown adults who have the right to choose to date anyone they choose. I think you are infantilising people a bit here by almost implying that you know whats best for them- you dont. If someone wants to date someone with a severe health condition that is entirely up to them. Equally, if they chose not to, that is also entirely up to them.

There may well be many people who want to have an open relationship for example- I would expect them to be honest about that from the start and thats not something I would ever be interested in, but there may be many people who wouldnt mind that at all and thats up to them to decide for themselves.

As I said, we owe people honesty, the rest is up to them to decide.

That was my point really. You’re saying ‘I’m choosing to never have a relationship’, but the opportunity isn’t there, is it? So it’s not really a choice you’re making, it’s circumstance. You’re not valiantly batting away suitors from your door.

To digress slightly, but there are some important points raised here.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/disability-65422489

I’ve only been this Ill for about a year or 18 months, and as I’ve stated, I’ve had a number of intimate friends since I was widowed over the space of 10 years who keep in touch with me.

I had to discontinue what I had been doing for years. That is an actively making a choice.

it isn’t hypothetical when you’re having conversations about it.

But your previous posts suggest you’ve discontinued because you’re no longer physically able to seek out and maintain a relationship?
Or do you think your ‘intimate friends’ from the past 10 years would still like to have a more serious relationship with you now?

I think that's what's driving you to figure this out- the change in your disability/sickness that requires a whole new level of care or loss of energy which seems so much more significant than before.

People have reacted as you made it seem like a general moral rule- one shouldn't do this that and the other, whereas it seems like it is you struggling with what you a) can do and b) should do given your changed circumstance.

If you aren't able to have visitors very much as so debilitating, I would think that dating/FWB is off the table on a pragmatic level.

But surely it isn't fixed, though, and if opportunities arose, then they could happen, and if not not.

Deep down it's hard to feel lovable in some situations in life when we don't feel ourselves for whatever reason, perhaps having MH issues or just low esteem or being physically different than we desire to be.

I understand that, but you also have to understand those around us perceive us differently and if they are still up for a bit of a tumble, that's not morally wrong!

It's not clear whether you are turning men down who are pursuing you for a committed relationship? If that's the case, most of us are saying that we wouldn't see it as immoral in your circumstances.

As long as they are being told up front, then it is not morally wrong.

You say you don't date anymore but further down the post you mention that any dating sites you're on make it clear what your health issues are. The question is, why do you have dating profiles when you don't date any more?

I feel some of the comments on here are quite harsh. I don’t think you’re being a martyr or judging others by giving your opinion and sharing how you feel about your particular situation. You sound as if you have it very much together with your planning and also knowing exactly what you want. I’m an older parent to a young disabled child and am only starting to put all the things in place for him for when I’m no longer here. It’s fortunate that you’re satisfied with what you have in your life ie hobbies, fwb, family, work etc it sounds like your life is full enough from what you’re saying. You have the benefit of being able to tell potential relationships/people how you feel and about your illness and taking it from there on an individual basis. From past experiences Im always wary of trolls when posting on SM so I hope this message comes across with the good will I intended.

I think you are in a particularly difficult situation because you know first hand how hard it is to love someone and lose them. This is a very personal decision and only you know what is right for you no one here can tell you what’s right for you situation but for what it’s worth I’m sorry your ill - EDS is a cruel condition and so underestimated.

I’m also sorry you had to go though the pain of losing your partner I wonder if you would have changed it though if you knew in advance you would lose them?

Wanting love and a relationship is never morally wrong so long as the partner knows the situation and can make an informed choice - if we look at it from the other view if you knew you would lose your previous partner would you have still entered the relationship? If you would have then maybe it’s worth having the conversation and seeing if there’s a way to move forward together but you know how much pain you lived through it’s only natural to want to protect someone else for that but maybe they would want to be involved in making that decision xxx

Why do you think people would want to be in a relationship with you? Is it not possible for someone to love you as you are?

You have a lot in your life that makes you fortunate despite your illness. It’s just how you feel about starting a relationship. If you’re happy as you are then that is cool but if you meet someone and want to be together then why not? Sometimes love just happens like that I’m sure you still have a lot to offer. Life is about experience and you might be able to give someone the exact experience they need and vice versa.