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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's morally wrong to enter into a new relationship with serious health issues?

220 replies

Antisocialfluffmonster · 09/05/2023 09:36

Throwing this out there for debate.

I've been single for a decade after my partner died. This initially was due to work and childcare issues, the only childcare over night I had was for work, and I genuinely didn't have time to date, as a bereaved single parent, I don't get "weekends off".

Anyway, since then I've developed severe health issues, I will never get better, and no it's not because I'm a negative Nancy, it's because it's degenerative.

I'm in my early 40s, work full time mostly from home, spend a lot of non-work time in bed because work exhausts me. Have pets and hobbies, and friends, and my kids. Don't really do holidays as they exhaust me, nothing to do with the kids and all to do with travel and different food and things.

I've planned so that once the kids leave home, they will never be expected to come back and help me. They will be free to live their own lives. Due to health issues I will never own my own home, (can't get life insurance and probably won't live long enough to pay it off) but if I go before pension age the kids will have a sizeable deposit on a house for themselves.

I have a full life, lots of hobbies, pets, friends. I even have friends with benefits. But I don't date any more. I don't allow for any of those friends to go any further. In the past I've been ranted at, "surely it's my decision?"... Nope it's mine, yes it's lonely when you're stuck in bed and desperately wish there was someone else there to get you a cup of tea, but it's not a good enough excuse to have such a negative impact on someone else's life.

I do get a bit cross when friends and family suggest "you've just not met the right person" as if meeting someone else, however wonderful changes the fundamental feeling that it would be wrong to pull them into the reality of my life. I have met some absolutely incredible people, people who I'd have been very happy with, but it's because I cared about them and respected them that I didn't want it to go any further.

I have had counselling over this, and I've accepted the reality of the situation that this creates for me, and I'm genuinely happy with my life, just not my health. I wish my favourite hobbies didn't leave me crippled in bed for a week after it, but that's life.

At least with a FWB, if I'm too ill to get out of bed, or I don't feel sexual for 6 months, it's no big deal, or I'm in so much pain I'm vomiting uncontrollably it's no big deal. It doesn't impact their life in any way. Any dating profiles I have make it clear what's on offer and about my health, so I'm not leading anyone on.

What do you think? AIBU?

I know each person has to make their own decision, but I can be a bit of a judgemental a/hole when I see other very sick people entering the dating pool. So I probably do deserve a bit of flack for that.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 09/05/2023 10:01

You said about being disabled since you were a child. Not trying to be goady but to understand- why did you make the initial decision to enter into a relationship and have children with known issues. Were they not as bad or life limiting when you were younger?

I do think there's a middle ground. You can date and have a boyfriend as long as they know you might be unavailable for periods of illness.

Is accepting situation more about protecting yourself and your emotions?

Winter2020 · 09/05/2023 10:02

Quote "yes it's lonely when you're stuck in bed and desperately wish there was someone else there to get you a cup of tea, but it's not a good enough excuse to have such a negative impact on someone else's life."

...what if loving you had a positive effect on someone's life?

We could adapt the quote
"Is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?"

To
"Is it better to have loved, and brought tea, and been patient and supportive and accepted some limitations - than to have never loved at all?"

Why do you get to decide if you enhance someone's life and not them?

Original poster
Antisocialfluffmonster · 09/05/2023 10:02

Seas164 · 09/05/2023 09:59

I'd say that there were people all over the world with autoimmune diseases, chronic fatigue, long covid, joint disorders and disabilities plus may other ailments that are in fulfilling happy relationships with loving partners.

If you choose to opt out of relationships, that is entirely up to you. You don't need to dress it up as a favour to humanity though.

I was asked for details, so I gave them, I'm past the stage of any possible improvement, there is no other way for this to go and again, being in a relationship already is one thing, but choosing to start date when you're like this is different.

OP posts:
Eudaimonia5 · 09/05/2023 10:02

If you think it's selfish to get into a relationship when you have chronic and degenerative illnesses, do you also think it was selfish of you to have children?

Showersugar · 09/05/2023 10:03

Antisocialfluffmonster · 09/05/2023 09:49

I have multiple autoimmune diseases, chronic fatigue, long covid, joint disorders the works and before all of that, I have been disabled since childhood. So my body is a ruin lol

If you're already in a relationship that to me is entirely different, you can't predict the future. But to know you are very sick with no hope of improvement, and still choose to enter into a relationship, in my opinion is horrifically selfish.

Show quote history

If the other party is fully informed and still enthusiastically consents it's none of your business who has a relationship with who - and you've certainly no right to call them horrifically selfish.

But then I don't think this thread is really about any wider debate, I think this goady thread is serving a psychological function in you and that you haven't worked things through in therapy as well as you think you have.

Seas164 · 09/05/2023 10:04

Puppers · 09/05/2023 10:00

Of course it's still OP's choice. She can decide not to be in a relationship for any reason she likes, including because she thinks it's not in the other person's best interests. It's always the choice of the person who says no, whatever their reason is.

Show quote history

Maybe a more open way of going about it would be to find out about the other persons thoughts on the matter rather than deciding for them? But yes, you can close down your options and choose to guess what other people are going to choose and make the choice before they do. Absolutely. 😂

Dobby123456 · 09/05/2023 10:06

I don't think this is something you can measure/judge. Why do two people want to be together? All kinds of factors. Maybe somebody just likes somebody so much that they just want to be with them. They're not in it for the house, sex, how much energy that person has etc.

I think the issue here is that, no matter how much you explain, it's difficult for people to really understand what long term illness involves. They think they understand, but they don't. And that's quite scary because, of course, there is the chance you will be rejected. What did your counsellor have to say?

CoronationKicking · 09/05/2023 10:06

"as someone who is both disabled (lifelong) and sick, there is a huge difference. I'm at the stage now that there is no hope of improvement or possible treatments."

Guess what. You don't own disability 🤷🏽‍♀️. Other people with different disabilities to you would be covered by your catch all judgement. You're trying to sound all wise and better than but it's not working. As I said, martyr yourself if you must but it's very tiring for the people around you.

Mariposista · 09/05/2023 10:07

Morally wrong is perhaps a bit hard, but you should be totally open and honest about the health issues when entering a relationship, so that the other person can make an informed decision about whether they want to commit to a life of caring for you and losing you prematurely.

MrLbz · 09/05/2023 10:10

You sounds like a very honourable and kind person OP

Puppers · 09/05/2023 10:10

Seas164 · 09/05/2023 10:04

Maybe a more open way of going about it would be to find out about the other persons thoughts on the matter rather than deciding for them? But yes, you can close down your options and choose to guess what other people are going to choose and make the choice before they do. Absolutely. 😂

Show quote history

I don't get what the laughing emoji is for. It's not about guessing what other people are going to choose. OP (rightly or wrongly, that's not the point I'm addressing) isn't interested in what the other party chooses. She feels it would be wrong, regardless of what they want - or think they want, since it's one of those situations where they're not going to be in full knowledge of the reality of life with OP until they're in a committed relationship with her already.

Every person who says no to a relationship that another person wants is "deciding for them" and that's how it should be.

Showersugar · 09/05/2023 10:10

MrLbz · 09/05/2023 10:10

You sounds like a very honourable and kind person OP

Really?

kittensinthekitchen · 09/05/2023 10:11

MrLbz · 09/05/2023 10:10

You sounds like a very honourable and kind person OP

Is this sarcastic?

The OP said it is "horrifically selfish" for anyone with serious illness to form a relationship.

Kind?

FatGirlSwim · 09/05/2023 10:17

Long term illnesses ARE disabilities, surely. Which of your conditions is degenerative?

I don’t agree with your perspective. You’re entitled to make that decision for yourself but not for others.

Toddlerteaplease · 09/05/2023 10:19

I have MS. I would just discuss it early on.

DoesItHaveKosovo · 09/05/2023 10:20

BadNomad · 09/05/2023 09:57

Surely someone sticking by your side is harder in a way because the relationship is now different from the one they entered into. Whereas if you're ill from the start, then your partner knows what they're getting into and are actively choosing it.

This.

BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 09/05/2023 10:21

Everyone is not you.

MayThe4th · 09/05/2023 10:24

Why did you want this debate if not to judge other people.

I mean, if you don’t judge others for making their own decisions then it’s not a debate is it? Then the question would be “AIBU to think that I would be horrifically selfish to start a relationship”. But by making this a debate you are absolutely judging people with long term illnesses for being in relationships.

Seas164 · 09/05/2023 10:26

Puppers · 09/05/2023 10:10

I don't get what the laughing emoji is for. It's not about guessing what other people are going to choose. OP (rightly or wrongly, that's not the point I'm addressing) isn't interested in what the other party chooses. She feels it would be wrong, regardless of what they want - or think they want, since it's one of those situations where they're not going to be in full knowledge of the reality of life with OP until they're in a committed relationship with her already.

Every person who says no to a relationship that another person wants is "deciding for them" and that's how it should be.

Show quote history

But OP has said that she would like to be in a relationship. Not that she would not like to be in a relationship, in which case then fine, of course, don't.

I think it's dead daft for someone who would like to be in a relationship, as the OP has said she would, to then use the reason that she's choosing on behalf of the other people out of respect for them, to not let that be a possbility, in case they didn't actually know their own minds after all.

If I met someone who had the list of conditions OP has mentioned and I thought that they were fantastic and a relationship with them was something I would really like to pursue, but they said no thanks, even though they felt the same underneath, but were protecting me from myself... it doesn't make any sense to me. That's not how I choose to live my life, but horses for courses.

L1L4vsFemur · 09/05/2023 10:27

BadNomad · 09/05/2023 09:57

Surely someone sticking by your side is harder in a way because the relationship is now different from the one they entered into. Whereas if you're ill from the start, then your partner knows what they're getting into and are actively choosing it.

This, 100%.

Someone going into what might be a difficult situation, knowing all the facts, is very different to someone going into a relationship where the goalposts unexpectedly and dramatically change.

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 09/05/2023 10:28

I'm at the stage of life where I'd be happy with someone who offers good conversation and someone to watch TV/movies with. I can do other things myself. I think someone with illnesses or disabilities could fill that role in spite of any challenges. I'd be happy to enter into a relationship with someone who had these health issues if their company contributed to my life positively.

Jonei · 09/05/2023 10:30

I think if the other person knows all the facts, then surely they can decide.

Also none of us actually know how long we will be here for.

OneTC · 09/05/2023 10:30

I don't think it really works like that

Original poster
Antisocialfluffmonster · 09/05/2023 10:32

glitterisntgendered · 09/05/2023 09:51

You've every right to do what you want but it's not morally wrong. I dated a man who I knew from the start would be dead within 10 years at most. He lived for 2 and died while I was very much in love with him. He brought nothing but good to my life. That's not immoral. You've a right to your own choices but don't do it because you believe you're doing it for the moral greater good.

I'm very sorry for your loss, that's not an easy situation at all.

OP posts:
DysmalRadius · 09/05/2023 10:35

Isn't this like so many 'moral' decisions? Everyone can make the choice that works best for them and there's no real need or benefit to judging others who do things differently. I understand your reasoning but not your desire to judge others.