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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say he's not to have friends round?

216 replies

ItsaREDcar · 07/05/2023 17:18

We have husband's older son (13) 3 nights a week (on the second week it's over the weekend so EOW but always 3 nights a week in total).

Husband's work is experiencing issues with staffing so he's having to pull some extra Saturday night shifts. As a result I agreed that DSS could still stay here on his normal weekends whilst DH was working. I have a 1.5 year old at home too.

DSS has started wanting mates over all the time, I get it, he's getting to be a teenager now but I just don't want it happening when his dad is here. He can't be trusted to keep it down and not wake the LO up, always sniffing around for tea/food and frankly I don't need multiple teens hanging around on a Saturday night when I'm trying to look after our DC too and also have an evening myself once LO is in bed. Oh and the fact they just hang about forever in the morning before leaving!

I've said to DH that I don't want DSS to have friends round again now whilst he isn't here, it's fine if he is because DH can deal with all the telling to be quiet, food making etc.. but I'm already sorting DSS out (which includes running him to and from a hobby on the Saturday afternoon with LO in tow) and I don't want to have to deal with his mates too.

DH is worried this will mean he'll start choosing to stay at his mums house more (who'd be fine with him staying at hers and let's him have mates round all the time) but I just think it's not really for me to deal with.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsaREDcar · 07/05/2023 17:20

I don't want it happening when his dad is NOT here that should say.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsaREDcar · 07/05/2023 17:21

Oh and when I say sniffing around for food I obviously don't mean DSS, obviously I give him tea without complaint but his friends are always after stuff as well

OP posts:
Itsjustsuchamagicaltime · 07/05/2023 17:22

It's really really boring reading yet another thread about a stepchild being treated completely differently to how you'd treat your own child.

Flamingogirl08 · 07/05/2023 17:23

Another Step parent thread. Brilliant 🙄

CannotDoThisAnymore · 07/05/2023 17:23

Could you not compromise and say once every other month?! Tell him that if he cant keep the noise down, no further mates round?

Flamingogirl08 · 07/05/2023 17:24

Itsjustsuchamagicaltime · 07/05/2023 17:22

It's really really boring reading yet another thread about a stepchild being treated completely differently to how you'd treat your own child.

Yep. I'm sure when precious DC is a teenager they'll be able to have friends round without Dad being home.

Original poster
ItsaREDcar · 07/05/2023 17:24

Tell him that if he cant keep the noise down, no further mates round?

I've said this before but they can't help themselves they just get carried away and it's 20 minutes before they are shouting again at the Xbox it's infuriating.

And he can have them round on a Friday night when DH is here. Don't see why it needs to be a Saturday when he isn't.

OP posts:
Lefteyetwitch · 07/05/2023 17:25

Itsjustsuchamagicaltime · 07/05/2023 17:22

It's really really boring reading yet another thread about a stepchild being treated completely differently to how you'd treat your own child.

But that's the entire point. He's isn't her child. She's already going out of her way to accommodate him.

YANBU if DH is so worried then he needs to prioritise his DS social life over work.
If he says no then as why his no is so much more valuable than yours.

Lefteyetwitch · 07/05/2023 17:26

Flamingogirl08 · 07/05/2023 17:24

Yep. I'm sure when precious DC is a teenager they'll be able to have friends round without Dad being home.

Show quote history

Yea because its her kid! And that's what you put up with when you create a child. This sint her child so she doesn't have to tolerate the extra shit bits

Itsjustsuchamagicaltime · 07/05/2023 17:27

But that's the entire point. He's isn't her child. She's already going out of her way to accommodate him.

"Accommodate" Confused he's her husbands child.

I really hope you don't have stepchildren.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 07/05/2023 17:28

Can you compromise and have his friends over but not overnight? Or for sleepovers only have one guest? At least while you're "in charge" . If his dad's around he can deal with all the nonsense.

Lefteyetwitch · 07/05/2023 17:28

Itsjustsuchamagicaltime · 07/05/2023 17:27

But that's the entire point. He's isn't her child. She's already going out of her way to accommodate him.

"Accommodate" Confused he's her husbands child.

I really hope you don't have stepchildren.

She is accommodating him.
Neither parent will be there to care for him or ferry him around to his sport!

CannotDoThisAnymore · 07/05/2023 17:29

Ok well in that case, say Fridays only 🤷🏻‍♀️

RampantIvy · 07/05/2023 17:29

DH is worried this will mean he'll start choosing to stay at his mums house more

I'm sorry, but that is likely to happen. Staying in on your own on a Saturday night when you are a teenager is pretty boring. Does he not go to his friends' houses?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 07/05/2023 17:30

Can't he go to his friends houses instead, especially if you're hosting them on a Friday?

I don't see the issue with kids not being able to have their friends over every night 🤷‍♀️

Flamingogirl08 · 07/05/2023 17:30

Lefteyetwitch · 07/05/2023 17:26

Yea because its her kid! And that's what you put up with when you create a child. This sint her child so she doesn't have to tolerate the extra shit bits

Show quote history

Oh I'm not even getting into it. There's countless threads on this lately. It's fucking boring. Stop marrying men with kids if you don't actually want your home to also be DSC home.

I won't reply again because you won't change my mind and I won't change yours.

UWhatNow · 07/05/2023 17:32

If they’re just playing Xbox I think YABU because you are diminishing how important mates are to teenagers. And you don’t care because he’s not yours. If he was yours, what would you do? Probably agree to it cheerfully with strong boundaries and ground rules like other mums do. So do that.

GandTtwice · 07/05/2023 17:34

How sad for your DSS - you should be pleased that he feels comfortable enough in your house to invite friends round. Just set some house rules such as the time they need to leave by as most people would for any teenager having friends over. Your LO will benefit from seeing how older children interact together.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 07/05/2023 17:34

The things is , there are thousands of households that aren't blended families where this happens every weekend. No, you can't have a sleepover because it's not convenient, I'm tired, your little brother is ill etc.

I don't know any parent that hasn't said no to several sleepovers/playdates. So why hold OP to a much higher standard?

RampantIvy · 07/05/2023 17:35

Good answer @UWhatNow.
I don't agree with a stepchild being treated differently from your own children. It's what you sign up for when you marry someone with children. They come as part of the package.

Learningalongtheway · 07/05/2023 17:36

I'm with you. All the parents need to take turns, it shouldn't have to be at yours every weekend, especially with your husband not there and you have a younger child

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 07/05/2023 17:36

UWhatNow · 07/05/2023 17:32

If they’re just playing Xbox I think YABU because you are diminishing how important mates are to teenagers. And you don’t care because he’s not yours. If he was yours, what would you do? Probably agree to it cheerfully with strong boundaries and ground rules like other mums do. So do that.

Or say no if it's not convenient like other mums and dads do.

Gh12345 · 07/05/2023 17:41

I don’t think you’re being unfair. I suspect when your little one is older, you won’t want their friends hanging around for hours on end. I get it.

Lefteyetwitch · 07/05/2023 17:41

Flamingogirl08 · 07/05/2023 17:30

Oh I'm not even getting into it. There's countless threads on this lately. It's fucking boring. Stop marrying men with kids if you don't actually want your home to also be DSC home.

I won't reply again because you won't change my mind and I won't change yours.

Show quote history

There are countless posts about pitiful women who do sweet FA about they're useless OH and just like to continue being the Damsel in distress but no one says anything about them

The poor lamb will survive ONE weekend without a sleepover. Just like millions of children do each day.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 07/05/2023 17:43

Do his mates never take a turn? Yanbu to feel annoyed if it's always at yours but him being a step child would be irrelevant if that is the case. Also at 15 surely he can mange to sort his own food so all you would need to do is remind them to keep the noise down? Fair enough to not have them sleepover if they're doing that on the Friday too.