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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say he's not to have friends round?

216 replies

ItsaREDcar · 07/05/2023 17:18

We have husband's older son (13) 3 nights a week (on the second week it's over the weekend so EOW but always 3 nights a week in total).

Husband's work is experiencing issues with staffing so he's having to pull some extra Saturday night shifts. As a result I agreed that DSS could still stay here on his normal weekends whilst DH was working. I have a 1.5 year old at home too.

DSS has started wanting mates over all the time, I get it, he's getting to be a teenager now but I just don't want it happening when his dad is here. He can't be trusted to keep it down and not wake the LO up, always sniffing around for tea/food and frankly I don't need multiple teens hanging around on a Saturday night when I'm trying to look after our DC too and also have an evening myself once LO is in bed. Oh and the fact they just hang about forever in the morning before leaving!

I've said to DH that I don't want DSS to have friends round again now whilst he isn't here, it's fine if he is because DH can deal with all the telling to be quiet, food making etc.. but I'm already sorting DSS out (which includes running him to and from a hobby on the Saturday afternoon with LO in tow) and I don't want to have to deal with his mates too.

DH is worried this will mean he'll start choosing to stay at his mums house more (who'd be fine with him staying at hers and let's him have mates round all the time) but I just think it's not really for me to deal with.

AIBU?

OP posts:
bellsandwhistles333 · 07/05/2023 18:49

I would set strict rules so leave a basket of food / snacks and pop etc and that's there lot. Set time la so they arrive at 6/7 and go home at 9/10 on the morning and make it once a month at your house that's plenty for most kids. If he can't go friends houses then tough luck

If he stops coming as regular even better luck (kidding of course) he's still young enough where he doesn't get that choice he has contact time at dads.

bellsandwhistles333 · 07/05/2023 18:50

I have always been strict on I want a weeks notice I refuse to have other kids sprung on me as I want to make sure it fits with my work schedule and I've got food in for them etc

BreadInCaptivity · 07/05/2023 18:54

I see there are the usual number of post stating that SC shouldn't be treated differently and friends should be allowed.

Ok.

I actually agree as a SM myself.

But here is the problem.

SC are routinely not expected to be treated like other children by SM's.

SM's are not allowed to criticise in any way. To discipline however badly the child behaves. Not do anything with their children when SC is not there so they don't feel left out (even when SC does many things with their mother).

On the other hand they are expected to roll out the red carpet. Adhere to parenting standards that are in conflict with how their children are treated in the home (because their mothers parenting is expected to be the default).

In short, a lot of posters on these threads are totally myopic in their advice.

I personally was always happy for SC to have friends around for sleepovers etc apart from when we had other family plans that would result in a conflict.

I was happy to do this even when DH wasn't at home.

However this was because we had family rules (and age appropriate sanctions) about behaviour that applied to everyone that I was able to enforce regardless of DH being there (and he backed me fully on this).

Sleepovers etc were a privilege not a right and if you (or your friends) take the piss there will be consequences (and no, I'm not talking about a perfectly ordinary midnight feasts etc, more like invading the rooms/privacy of others).

SC and my children were treated equally.

So often it's not SM being crap, it's the result of totally unreasonable expectations being put on them that are detrimental to others in the household.

JE17 · 07/05/2023 18:56

It's his home too. Teens eat a lot. They hang out with their mates.
Don't make him feel like he doesn't belong there just cos his Dad isn't there.

BHRK · 07/05/2023 18:57

Yabu. I agree that you married a man with a child. This child should now be treated as your child. They are a teenager, nothing they are doing sounds out of the ordinary.
have strict rules over sleepovers but don’t just ban them. And tell your DH to try and not work those shifts!

darjeelingrose · 07/05/2023 18:59

Totally not unreasonable. I don't want my own child's friends around on certain days owing to it being down time for me, or us doing family stuff, there are other times when it is not a problem. This is exactly the same, the OP is fine with it when the DSS's dad is around, and not other times.
It's not a free-for-all, you are allowed to enjoy being in your home without others who are not in your family being around. It's not a flatshare.

Lefteyetwitch · 07/05/2023 18:59

BHRK · 07/05/2023 18:57

Yabu. I agree that you married a man with a child. This child should now be treated as your child. They are a teenager, nothing they are doing sounds out of the ordinary.
have strict rules over sleepovers but don’t just ban them. And tell your DH to try and not work those shifts!

Does OP get final say on discipline, medical, schooling or General parenting decisions or is it just the shit bits she's expected to tolerate and be grateful for?

ily0xx · 07/05/2023 19:00

Itsjustsuchamagicaltime · 07/05/2023 17:22

It's really really boring reading yet another thread about a stepchild being treated completely differently to how you'd treat your own child.

Yeah it’s really sad. I’ll do everything in my power to never let my kid end up in a crappy step parent environment. OP I get you find it annoying, I would too but that’s why I’d NEVER of dated a man with a child. You should have only dated childless men if you’re going to resent his son being a teen.

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 19:02

BHRK · 07/05/2023 18:57

Yabu. I agree that you married a man with a child. This child should now be treated as your child. They are a teenager, nothing they are doing sounds out of the ordinary.
have strict rules over sleepovers but don’t just ban them. And tell your DH to try and not work those shifts!

Fantastic, if they're to be treated like her own kids then she can say no without giving it a second thought, as many would.

SchoolTripDrama · 07/05/2023 19:04

Itsjustsuchamagicaltime · 07/05/2023 17:22

It's really really boring reading yet another thread about a stepchild being treated completely differently to how you'd treat your own child.

This

DemelzaandRoss · 07/05/2023 19:04

YABU. The same reason as other posters. He should be treated the same as you would treat your biological child when older. So many threads like this recently. Sadly most posters show their true colours with SC. At the end of the day your choice of course.

ily0xx · 07/05/2023 19:04

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 19:02

Fantastic, if they're to be treated like her own kids then she can say no without giving it a second thought, as many would.

Show quote history

Not unless they’re a terrible parent. Having an only child then refusing to let them have friends round?! Because they find them slightly annoying?! Yeah that’s horrible.

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 19:07

Not unless they’re a terrible parent. Having an only child then refusing to let them have friends round?! Because they find them slightly annoying?! Yeah that’s horrible

Lol, no. Your bar for a terrible parent is incredibly low. Teens will survive without seeing their friends every single day. A Friday, not Saturday rule does not a terrible parent make.

Lefteyetwitch · 07/05/2023 19:07

ily0xx · 07/05/2023 19:04

Not unless they’re a terrible parent. Having an only child then refusing to let them have friends round?! Because they find them slightly annoying?! Yeah that’s horrible.

Show quote history

Did you bother reading the thread?
He can have them around on Friday. Just not when Dad isnt there. So he can't have it all his own way. Which is absolutely fine.

SchoolTripDrama · 07/05/2023 19:08

@SmudgeButt Please don't ever use the term "hi-jinx' when speaking to a teen if you want them to take you seriously! 🤣🤣🤣

darjeelingrose · 07/05/2023 19:09

DemelzaandRoss · 07/05/2023 19:04

YABU. The same reason as other posters. He should be treated the same as you would treat your biological child when older. So many threads like this recently. Sadly most posters show their true colours with SC. At the end of the day your choice of course.

I must be terrible parent and I am not even a step parent. I don't want my kids to have friends over both evenings of a weekend. So shoot me.

Original poster
ItsaREDcar · 07/05/2023 19:09

BHRK · 07/05/2023 18:57

Yabu. I agree that you married a man with a child. This child should now be treated as your child. They are a teenager, nothing they are doing sounds out of the ordinary.
have strict rules over sleepovers but don’t just ban them. And tell your DH to try and not work those shifts!

So if I can treat them like my child does that include saying 'no friends staying on a Saturday night'? Or am I only allowed to treat them like my child when it means saying yes? As for 'why do you get to call the shots' ermmm because DH isn't there and therefore he's expecting me to care for his son, he doesn't get to decide I have to allow a load of teens over when he's not even there. Obviously it's my decision as the only adult in the house.

I don’t understand why his dad is insisting op does everything she can to keep him there when he (the dad) isn’t there himself

Because he thinks if DSS comes to us Friday then has to go back to his mum's Saturday then back to us Sunday he'll just not bother with the weekend at all and will stay with his mum.

OP posts:
bobbyboo43 · 07/05/2023 19:11

I'm torn. I can see your point op. And I actually don't think there's anything wrong with saying no once in a while like you will with your own dc when they're old enough. It isn't always convenient.

That said, a blanket no just because he isn't your kid seems a bit harsh. Definitely set boundaries (once a month or whatever) but if you're not willing to let your dss treat your home as his then you're being pretty unfair.

itsabigtree · 07/05/2023 19:13

It's not about going out of way to accommodate or doing a favor!

It's the boys other home. And it's what you agree to when you marry someone who already has kids. Yes it's annoying OP, but I think you might need to shift your mindset, to understanding that this is the boys home and he has just as much of a right to have friends here whether your husband is there or not.

MeinKraft · 07/05/2023 19:13

It's not a blanket no because he's not her kid though, it's a blanket no because her husband isn't home to share the load and she feels the load is too great with a young child, a 13 year old and a load of their mates. He might start to spend Saturday nights at home more yes but does it really matter if his dad isn't even at home to spend time with him?

watcherintherye · 07/05/2023 19:15

I don't agree with a stepchild being treated differently from your own children.

So you don’t think any parent ever says no to having their child’s mates round and hosting regular sleepovers?

Original poster
ItsaREDcar · 07/05/2023 19:16

I also don't understand this 'he has a right to have his friends over WHENEVER he wants' either as if children aren't ever allowed to be told no.

No he can't just be in our house WHENEVER he wants, nor can his friends, because he's a child. If wasn't there he couldn't be in our house just because it's his home, he needs an adult there overnight because he's a child. It's not just solely his choice if he and his mates can be there obviously and I can't say anything about it as if it's not my actual house that I own and pay for 🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsaREDcar · 07/05/2023 19:16

If I wasn't there*

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsaREDcar · 07/05/2023 19:19

Do posters really think he should just be allowed to say 'friends X Y and Z are staying tonight' and that's that I can't ever say 'no not tonight' just because its his home? He doesn't just get to unilaterally decide when and who is staying Confused

OP posts:
doubleoseven · 07/05/2023 19:19

Well to be fair is there much point in him being there if his dad is working? He's 15, this arrangement will come to natural end soon anyway.
If it means that much to your DH he'll have to knock the weekend shifts on the head as he has family responsibilities.
I don't think YABU. Mine can have friends over but not every single weekend.