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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say he's not to have friends round?

216 replies

ItsaREDcar · 07/05/2023 17:18

We have husband's older son (13) 3 nights a week (on the second week it's over the weekend so EOW but always 3 nights a week in total).

Husband's work is experiencing issues with staffing so he's having to pull some extra Saturday night shifts. As a result I agreed that DSS could still stay here on his normal weekends whilst DH was working. I have a 1.5 year old at home too.

DSS has started wanting mates over all the time, I get it, he's getting to be a teenager now but I just don't want it happening when his dad is here. He can't be trusted to keep it down and not wake the LO up, always sniffing around for tea/food and frankly I don't need multiple teens hanging around on a Saturday night when I'm trying to look after our DC too and also have an evening myself once LO is in bed. Oh and the fact they just hang about forever in the morning before leaving!

I've said to DH that I don't want DSS to have friends round again now whilst he isn't here, it's fine if he is because DH can deal with all the telling to be quiet, food making etc.. but I'm already sorting DSS out (which includes running him to and from a hobby on the Saturday afternoon with LO in tow) and I don't want to have to deal with his mates too.

DH is worried this will mean he'll start choosing to stay at his mums house more (who'd be fine with him staying at hers and let's him have mates round all the time) but I just think it's not really for me to deal with.

AIBU?

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 19:38

RocketIceLollie · 07/05/2023 19:29

You are sort of treading upon evil stepmother territory with this one I think. Set some boundaries such as kick out time for friends to leave sure, but an outright ban is probably a bit unwelcoming to your stepson.

Funnily enough not everybody makes decisions driven by the fear that people are going to childishly deem them an "evil stepmother" if they do things normal parents would also do.

BlockStreet · 07/05/2023 19:40

Don't let his friends round.
Don't take him to his hobby.
He isn't your problem.
Foucs on your baby and you deserve a relaxing weekend.
He should be there if his dad isn't there - this is your husband's problem.

Single child free people don't marry people with kids - not worth it.

berksandbeyond · 07/05/2023 19:41

So what do you propose OP? He comes on a Saturday night and sits in his room alone? Because his dad isn’t there, he’s not allowed mates, and you want your evening to yourself. By the way, your child would be able to learn to sleep through disruption - that’s what people with multiple children do

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 19:42

sofasofa42 · 07/05/2023 19:35

I get so torn about these threads. I am a step mum , and I get it , but also very clearly have boundaries. What's wrong with " no today your baby bro/ sis needs some peace, I need peace " . One can come round and sleep over- then unleash hell when they wake anyone up? It's just a 13 yr old kid? My dsd has sleepovers- now 15 and they are up until 2/3 ( so they tell me) . If they woke me up, or the now 5 yr old I would rain down shit on them. It's like any other family.
You married a man with a child who is actually at an age you don't need to parent, just manage. I think in the nicest possible way- grow up, own your situation and control it.
If it was me and my daughter was 13 and she had a step parent and he couldn't deal with sleepovers politics, I would say- we aren't ready for this relationship. However- you decided to have a baby.,,, you are not going to win much love on this thread .

Don't you think that when most parents "rain down shit" on their kids, that means setting the natural consequence that they won't be allowed to do something again if they behave badly every time they do it? What discipline would be more effective, shouting at him but allowing him to keep doing it?

Perhaps it's you who needs to grow up - this is what discipline is.

369E · 07/05/2023 19:44

I agreed that DSS could still stay here on his normal weekends whilst DH was working.

This is really sad. As a stepchild myself I hope my stepmum never felt like this. She didnt show it and her house was my house. I came and went as I pleased (and now do with the grandchildren). There was no "agreeing" to have me there - it was my home.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 07/05/2023 19:46

MrsComet · 07/05/2023 19:34

This thread is a bit terrifying. Is it really the norm for 13yo to have sleepovers every weekend? I really hope not. Sounds like a nightmare.

Friends over to visit. Fine.
Sleepovers on Friday when DH is there. Fine
Saying no to sleepovers when you are the only adult there and it's too much work. Fine.

Is it fuck! Looks like we moved from SMs must treat SC like their own to SMs must treat SC better than their own.

DD only has people to sleepover at the weekend on her bday , and that only happened once. Her sleepovers tend to happen on a weekday during the school holidays.

Notimeforaname · 07/05/2023 19:50

poor step son
🤣

Yes the poor child can only have sleepovers on a friday but not a Saturday. How cold and cruel the word is. 🙄

The 13 year old child is free to stay there, no problem. Just not with a load of mates when op is the only adult in the home. That's absolutely fine.

OP if your husband is afraid his child wont stay because you wont let other teens sleep over in the house, then he has to fix it. It's his problem and not yours.

You do a lot for the child, you're perfectly reasonable to not want to do things for other peoples children.

People on here are mad 😂

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 07/05/2023 19:50

berksandbeyond · 07/05/2023 19:41

So what do you propose OP? He comes on a Saturday night and sits in his room alone? Because his dad isn’t there, he’s not allowed mates, and you want your evening to yourself. By the way, your child would be able to learn to sleep through disruption - that’s what people with multiple children do

What the hell does he do at his mum's when he's not allowed people over and she needs a rest/break/night to herself? Or do you think RP are all fun and games and pull out all the stop in case God forbid their kids has to entertain themselves in the evenings?

I don't entertain DD every single day/evening or have her friends over to do it.Confused

Jonei · 07/05/2023 19:50

berksandbeyond · 07/05/2023 19:41

So what do you propose OP? He comes on a Saturday night and sits in his room alone? Because his dad isn’t there, he’s not allowed mates, and you want your evening to yourself. By the way, your child would be able to learn to sleep through disruption - that’s what people with multiple children do

Why not? If it's his home too, why wouldn't he expect to be on his own there sometimes. My kids don't have friends over all the time, nor do I. It's no different. It's just life.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 07/05/2023 19:52

berksandbeyond · 07/05/2023 19:41

So what do you propose OP? He comes on a Saturday night and sits in his room alone? Because his dad isn’t there, he’s not allowed mates, and you want your evening to yourself. By the way, your child would be able to learn to sleep through disruption - that’s what people with multiple children do

He could go and stay with his mates and spend his evening at their house.
He could have his mates round his mum's.
He could go out somewhere with his mates - cinema, bowling, McDonald's, whatever.
He could game online at home with his mates.

It's not like the options are "sleepover with mates" or "sit in his room twiddling his thumbs and staring at a wall".

Mamamia32 · 07/05/2023 19:52

Could you compromise by saying that his friends are welcome for a couple of hours, but not welcome to sleepover? And offer them snacks/drinks but not a full dinner.

If your husband isn't there to parent then it's OK for you to set the rules instead. It sounds like you're not comfortable doing this so then you have a house full of young teenagers taking liberties.

Notimeforaname · 07/05/2023 19:53

I agreed that DSS could still stay here on his normal weekends whilst DH was working.

This is really sad. As a stepchild myself I hope my stepmum never felt like this. She didnt show it and her house was my house. I came and went as I pleased (and now do with the grandchildren). There was no "agreeing" to have me there - it was my home.

Funny how people are different. Not everyone thinks and feels the same about everything. That's ok.

BreadInCaptivity · 07/05/2023 19:53

RocketIceLollie · 07/05/2023 19:29

You are sort of treading upon evil stepmother territory with this one I think. Set some boundaries such as kick out time for friends to leave sure, but an outright ban is probably a bit unwelcoming to your stepson.

😂😂😂😂😂

Really!!!

By saying no to sleepovers on Saturday but Friday is ok.

Evil...yes...FFS

Notimeforaname · 07/05/2023 19:54

Could you compromise by saying that his friends are welcome for a couple of hours, but not welcome to sleepover? And offer them snacks/drinks but not a full dinner.

I think OP already did compromise by saying it was fine on a Friday night,just not a Saturday?

Catastrophejane · 07/05/2023 19:56

How about looking at it from the 13 year old’s point of view?- his mother and father are both equally his parents, their homes are both equally his home.

you are basically saying he can’t have his friends round to his home.

Why did you get involved with someone with a child if you aren’t accepting of the fact that this is what kids do? My DS is always shouting at the X-box. Gets on my nerves, but that’s parenting!

I think it’s better to let him stay at his mum’s on these evenings.

whynotwhatknot · 07/05/2023 19:57

i wasnt allowed sleepovers every weekend with my own parents-her dh is not there why should she deal with this

Notimeforaname · 07/05/2023 19:57

you are basically saying he can’t have his friends round to his home.

Just on one particular night when op is alone. That's all.

It's normal to not give children everything they want, the way they want it.

Freefall212 · 07/05/2023 19:59

Notimeforaname · 07/05/2023 19:53

I agreed that DSS could still stay here on his normal weekends whilst DH was working.

This is really sad. As a stepchild myself I hope my stepmum never felt like this. She didnt show it and her house was my house. I came and went as I pleased (and now do with the grandchildren). There was no "agreeing" to have me there - it was my home.

Funny how people are different. Not everyone thinks and feels the same about everything. That's ok.

Where do you consider a child's home to be if not with their parents (in one or two homes)? Do you consider children homeless and they should consider themselves fortunate to be allowed to sleep in their parent's house / home? I don't quite get the alternate or different view if you don't think that mom and dad's house is the child's home too.

Jonei · 07/05/2023 20:00

Freefall212 · 07/05/2023 19:59

Where do you consider a child's home to be if not with their parents (in one or two homes)? Do you consider children homeless and they should consider themselves fortunate to be allowed to sleep in their parent's house / home? I don't quite get the alternate or different view if you don't think that mom and dad's house is the child's home too.

Show quote history

It doesn't mean he gets to have his friends stay over all the time, no matter how many homes he's got.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 07/05/2023 20:01

Catastrophejane · 07/05/2023 19:56

How about looking at it from the 13 year old’s point of view?- his mother and father are both equally his parents, their homes are both equally his home.

you are basically saying he can’t have his friends round to his home.

Why did you get involved with someone with a child if you aren’t accepting of the fact that this is what kids do? My DS is always shouting at the X-box. Gets on my nerves, but that’s parenting!

I think it’s better to let him stay at his mum’s on these evenings.

No, she is saying he can't have sleepovers on a Saturday. That's it.

Just like DD can't have sleepovers at ours at the weekend. Yes it's her one and only home. She still can't.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 07/05/2023 20:03

In fact OP is treating her SS better than I do DD because he CAN have them on Friday. But somehow she's evil?

Quartz2208 · 07/05/2023 20:03

mine only have friends around every now and then and sleepovers even less frequently so I don’t understand this he has to have friends round every weekend.

having some clearly defined rules is fine and it doesn’t always have to be their house either

Freefall212 · 07/05/2023 20:04

Jonei · 07/05/2023 20:00

It doesn't mean he gets to have his friends stay over all the time, no matter how many homes he's got.

Show quote history

I agree. I was disagreeing with the point that it isn't his home and he has no right to be there and OP is kind / going beyond for allowing him to be in this house.

DietCokeUser · 07/05/2023 20:07

*I don’t understand why his dad is insisting op does everything she can to keep him there when he (the dad) isn’t there himself

Because he thinks if DSS comes to us Friday then has to go back to his mum's Saturday then back to us Sunday he'll just not bother with the weekend at all and will stay with his mum.*

Well, I can see that's a risk. It's a really tricky one- I agree with PP that it's absolutely fine to have rules and boundaries and that my DS didn't have sleepovers every Saturday night BUT while he was at home not having sleepovers we did other things- we hung out together, watched films, played games etc, and to the extent he spent time on his own that was driven by him not by me. What I think is difficult in your situation is that it sounds as if you're not really up for any of that (and you shouldn't have to do it if you're not up for it and maybe DSS wouldn't be either) but it does leave him at a bit of a loose end on a Saturday night- he has to be at his dad's but his dad isn't there, you don't want to spend time with him, he's not allowed people round. It sounds a bit miserable and inevitably he's going to think he'd rather be at his mum's.

Maybe a solution is for your DH to see whether he can change the days he has DSS to make sure he can be around a bit more, just temporarily while he's doing the extra shifts.

AnneElliott · 07/05/2023 20:10

I don't allow DS to have people staying every weekend - so not sure why ops expected to accommodate this for a kid that's not her own! And why would the dad be bothered if he doesn't come when he is not actually there?