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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say he's not to have friends round?

216 replies

ItsaREDcar · 07/05/2023 17:18

We have husband's older son (13) 3 nights a week (on the second week it's over the weekend so EOW but always 3 nights a week in total).

Husband's work is experiencing issues with staffing so he's having to pull some extra Saturday night shifts. As a result I agreed that DSS could still stay here on his normal weekends whilst DH was working. I have a 1.5 year old at home too.

DSS has started wanting mates over all the time, I get it, he's getting to be a teenager now but I just don't want it happening when his dad is here. He can't be trusted to keep it down and not wake the LO up, always sniffing around for tea/food and frankly I don't need multiple teens hanging around on a Saturday night when I'm trying to look after our DC too and also have an evening myself once LO is in bed. Oh and the fact they just hang about forever in the morning before leaving!

I've said to DH that I don't want DSS to have friends round again now whilst he isn't here, it's fine if he is because DH can deal with all the telling to be quiet, food making etc.. but I'm already sorting DSS out (which includes running him to and from a hobby on the Saturday afternoon with LO in tow) and I don't want to have to deal with his mates too.

DH is worried this will mean he'll start choosing to stay at his mums house more (who'd be fine with him staying at hers and let's him have mates round all the time) but I just think it's not really for me to deal with.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsaREDcar · 07/05/2023 17:45

He's 13 not 15 and honestly I wish they would go to others houses but I think it's because here he doesn't share a room and a lot of his friends share with other siblings so they get the room to themselves here. They just never seem to just go the next day either!

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsaREDcar · 07/05/2023 17:46

And he probably could sort his own food at a push but they just come and eat your cupboards bare!

OP posts:
ShowUs · 07/05/2023 17:47

My DD is biologically mine but I still wouldn’t want her to have her mates around all the time.

It is fine to have boundaries and have set times and days for mates to be around, if it happens to be on the days his dad is home too then so be it.

I bet his mum doesn’t have his mates around all of the time.

SmudgeButt · 07/05/2023 17:49

I assume that his own mom doesn't have a LO being put to bed early. I quite get not wanting a house full of noisy teens. I wouldn't want that even if they were both my own.

Only thing I might do is have a firm talk with DSS and say "here's the rules. it's great you feel comfortable about having your friends round. I'll make sure there's 1 pizza for you all to share if someone gets hungry. But noise must be moderate as soon as LO has gone to bed. Any shouting/rampaging/hi-jinx after that and friends will be asked to leave. And it will be up to you to apologise to them and to me".

MiddleParking · 07/05/2023 17:50

SmudgeButt · 07/05/2023 17:49

I assume that his own mom doesn't have a LO being put to bed early. I quite get not wanting a house full of noisy teens. I wouldn't want that even if they were both my own.

Only thing I might do is have a firm talk with DSS and say "here's the rules. it's great you feel comfortable about having your friends round. I'll make sure there's 1 pizza for you all to share if someone gets hungry. But noise must be moderate as soon as LO has gone to bed. Any shouting/rampaging/hi-jinx after that and friends will be asked to leave. And it will be up to you to apologise to them and to me".

Maybe his parent could have that conversation with him. Push the boat out.

Lochjeda · 07/05/2023 17:50

I couldn't be bothered with that every Saturday with my own kids. Yanbu

SmudgeButt · 07/05/2023 17:51

Oh and make sure they give you their parents' phone numbers when they arrive so you can ensure a) the parents are ok they are there & b) you can ring them to tell them Jr is ready to be picked up or is walking home NOW because there was too much noise being made.

JulieHoney · 07/05/2023 17:51

Good lord, most children aren’t allowed friends over every single weekend night! Keeping to Fridays only is perfectly reasonable.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 07/05/2023 17:51

Sorry not sure where i got 15. Ok that does make a difference then. YANBU to not want to host 13 yo olds for sleepovers every weekend. Him being you SC is irrelevant here. Stricter rules like you would for your own DC. Example - friends should take a turn in hosting and a set, reasonable amont of snacks on offer to them when they are there, one friend over for a couple of hours to play xbox as long as their parent can collect them etc.

Whatkindofuckeryisthis · 07/05/2023 17:51

Yeah I kind of get that you’re annoyed with the noise etc but you need to talk to him, he should be welcome to have friends over and you should provide food etc but they need to be respectful of the baby needing to sleep. However, you also need to treat him like your own child if you want him to feel welcome and as you got with his dad!

JMSA · 07/05/2023 17:52

How does your stepson having friends round affect your ability to parent your own baby? It's so precious!
Can't you reach a compromise? Stepson gets to invite one or two friends round (max) and they can stay as late as they like - quietly and within reason - but without staying overnight?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 07/05/2023 17:53

Whatkindofuckeryisthis · 07/05/2023 17:51

Yeah I kind of get that you’re annoyed with the noise etc but you need to talk to him, he should be welcome to have friends over and you should provide food etc but they need to be respectful of the baby needing to sleep. However, you also need to treat him like your own child if you want him to feel welcome and as you got with his dad!

I don't know any child who is allowed to have friends over on Friday and Saturday night every single weekend.

Why should it be different because the 13yo in question is a step-child?

He had his friends over on Friday for a sleepover - someone else can host the Saturday night 🤷‍♀️

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 17:53

Why is your DH worried he'll come less? He's not even there - that would be the ideal situation assuming he still comes when his dad IS there.

Of course YANBU. Kids don't have to be allowed to have their friends over all the time.

FrostyFifi · 07/05/2023 17:55

I'm sure there are plenty of thirteen year olds who aren't allowed to invite a big group of mates over both nights every weekend. Why should OP facilitate it, to make up for the fact that she has the audacity to be a stepmother?

MoggyMittens23 · 07/05/2023 17:56

RampantIvy · 07/05/2023 17:35

Good answer @UWhatNow.
I don't agree with a stepchild being treated differently from your own children. It's what you sign up for when you marry someone with children. They come as part of the package.

Perhaps OP doesn’t feel comfortable with discipline etc though?

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 18:02

Flamingogirl08 · 07/05/2023 17:23

Another Step parent thread. Brilliant 🙄

Ah yes, step parents shouldn't be allowed to discuss their issues because other people who could easily just scroll on are tired of reading about it.

slowquickstep · 07/05/2023 18:03

I think you are being fair. You are entitled to peace when you want it.

Original poster
ItsaREDcar · 07/05/2023 18:04

For some reason they always seem to prefer the Saturday night over the Friday. So it's not that he's having them over both nights just that it only ever ends up being the Saturday when I'm by myself and I just cba with it.

It's not solely about the baby, but I just want an evening to myself not having to traipse up and down the stairs to tell them to keep it down or to have them sniffing about by kitchen all evening for snacks and food or hanging about until the afternoon on the Sunday (when DH is in bed).

OP posts:
PomTiddlyPom · 07/05/2023 18:04

He's there to see his father, not his mates. Why is he being left to his own devices?
If his own father CBA to see his own son then he should just stay at his mum's. No need for all this back and forth.

Original poster
ItsaREDcar · 07/05/2023 18:05

PomTiddlyPom · 07/05/2023 18:04

He's there to see his father, not his mates. Why is he being left to his own devices?
If his own father CBA to see his own son then he should just stay at his mum's. No need for all this back and forth.

DH still wants to see him the Friday and Sunday. It would be easier for me if he was with his mum the Saturdays DH was working though yes.

OP posts:
PomTiddlyPom · 07/05/2023 18:06

Also teen boys eat like horses. On one hand yes I'd be grateful they're at home and not hanging about drug dealing somewhere, but I wouldn't be able to feed them all. I'd make them take turns but in taht case no point in visiting his 'dad' is there.

PomTiddlyPom · 07/05/2023 18:06

ItsaREDcar · 07/05/2023 18:05

DH still wants to see him the Friday and Sunday. It would be easier for me if he was with his mum the Saturdays DH was working though yes.

Show quote history

X-posted!
Does his mum live near you?

thing47 · 07/05/2023 18:07

Personally we loved having the kids' friends over when they were teenagers, and the relationship with their friends that established is really paying dividends. But it's absolutely fine to feel differently, especially as you have a little one at home.

I think you should say, if there are 4 of them for example, you will host once a month and expect others to do the same. If they can't or won't so be it, but it's not on you to pick up the slack every week, particularly if your DH isn't there.

Original poster
ItsaREDcar · 07/05/2023 18:07

PomTiddlyPom · 07/05/2023 18:06

X-posted!
Does his mum live near you?

Show quote history

About 15 mins away

OP posts:
Emmelina · 07/05/2023 18:08

I wouldn’t have that every weekend. Once a month maybe! And when dad is home to be an adult, not you with a billion extra kids and a toddler to get to sleep by yourself while they’re all swearing at a screen.

And I don’t say that from a step-parent point of view, I try not to allow sleepovers for my own kids without another adult as back up!

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