To say he's not to have friends round?

[ItsaREDcar]

We have husband's older son (13) 3 nights a week (on the second week it's over the weekend so EOW but always 3 nights a week in total).

Husband's work is experiencing issues with staffing so he's having to pull some extra Saturday night shifts. As a result I agreed that DSS could still stay here on his normal weekends whilst DH was working. I have a 1.5 year old at home too.

DSS has started wanting mates over all the time, I get it, he's getting to be a teenager now but I just don't want it happening when his dad is here. He can't be trusted to keep it down and not wake the LO up, always sniffing around for tea/food and frankly I don't need multiple teens hanging around on a Saturday night when I'm trying to look after our DC too and also have an evening myself once LO is in bed. Oh and the fact they just hang about forever in the morning before leaving!

I've said to DH that I don't want DSS to have friends round again now whilst he isn't here, it's fine if he is because DH can deal with all the telling to be quiet, food making etc.. but I'm already sorting DSS out (which includes running him to and from a hobby on the Saturday afternoon with LO in tow) and I don't want to have to deal with his mates too.

DH is worried this will mean he'll start choosing to stay at his mums house more (who'd be fine with him staying at hers and let's him have mates round all the time) but I just think it's not really for me to deal with.

AIBU?

Just tell him he can have friends round on a Friday but not Saturday. This really needn't be a drama, it's standard parenting stuff.

Ok that makes it easier. He can only have his mates around when his dad's there too!
Also can you encourage the mates to bring food somehow?
Not sure how anybody would just go to someone else's and expect to be fed dinner and breakfast if that is how long they're staying...

The "entire point" is don't choose a man with other children if your don't want them in your life. His father's home is as much his home as his mother's, and that means he has the right to be treated as a child of that family. Unless your own child will be banned from having friends round for the next 21 years, UABU...

I hate having my dc friends staying over, it's a total pain for various reasons, so it's very occasional, you don't have to go along with stuff you don't want to just because your a step mum.

Yep this.

I wonder if you'll deny your 'own' child mates round.
At least DSS isn't roaming the streets doing drugs. He wants to have some mates round. It's either his home or it isn't. But it bloody well should be. Just as much as 'your own' child.

Leave him alone. If I was your partner I'd be totally pissed off. Why do you get to call the shots? I wouldn't be surprised if DSS went back to his mums. Hopefully he'll at least feel at home there and not be treated much further down the pecking order. Your 'precious LO' isn't anymore important than your husbands first born son. You came along second, not him, so stop trying to put DSS second. It's a few mates in his room ffs. Unclench.

I'm afraid hanging around on a Saturday night is exactly what teens do! Would you rather they were on the streets hanging around? It'll pass. They grow up and then pooof! They're gone and you miss the bustle.

Surely sometimes they go to someone else's house?

@hamwallet You do realise loads of parents don't let their own kids have friends over whenever they want, all the time, right?

Sorry I think yabu.

teenagers have mates round, they sometimes make too much noise and they (and their friends) eat a lot! That’s just life with a teenager!

his dad should talk to him and set boundaries and yes, he should have consequences if he’s completely disrespectful, but I think saying no friends over isn’t fair.

She gets to call the shots as the only adult there.
If he wants to allow it he'll have to come home

If you feel 'access/visitation' is for the child to be able to partake in family time with their parent....well his dad's not there
If you feel it's so that each parent takes responsibility for childcare, you're husband has fulfilled his role and you've stepped up to assist with this.
If you SS chosen not to come then that's between the parents and him.
If you don't want to have sole responsibility for him AND his friends, that's perfectly reasonable. You could have easily said you're not having him on his own either.

The guy is at work ffs.

When the boy goes home is he going home 'to see his mother?'

No. Of course not. He has equal rights to call both homes his home and to stay as he pleases and to have his mates round. It's either is home or it isn't. What world are you in thinking he's just 'there to see his father?'

And also, why have you said the father can't be arsed to see his son, when it's stated he is WORKING probably to you know... provide for his family?

Nice one. Can tell you hate men.

Surely this applies as much to the other teens' parents as well? Ironically they always want to come to OP's house because of their siblings. But the OP's own child (DSS' sibling)'s needs are just ignored.

It's not so much their presence rather than the frequency. Even if he was 3 other friends.. take turns... BOOM - that's down to just once a month!

I didn't say whenever they want. I agree kids can't have people in their homes 'whenever they want.'

But the OP can't cope with her stepson who is 13 years old, having a friend or two over because her husband is working, is ridiculous. Set some boundaries and rules. If you're not comfortable setting boundaries then don't blend the families.

Having your mates around isn't a right it's a privilege. One which he isn't able to have this 1 TIME.

He has been offered alternatives if the sweet Prince doesn't like it then tough shit. Or are we accepting another male being raised to not tolerate No as an answer

Normally they like playing xbox in their own houses so they can play together. Otherwise they're just watching!

If the OP had a teenager of her own and a baby I bet she'd feel the same.

Not really, I have a lovely husband and son. unlike the rest of MN ;)
Sorry that you have had such a hard life.
Obviously as father is not RP he is there to see him, yes, not to have multiple houses like the royal family.
Anyway as PP have said there's an easy solution - have his mates over on Friday or have them at his mums

But the OP can't cope with her stepson who is 13 years old, having a friend or two over because her husband is working, is ridiculous. Set some boundaries and rules. If you're not comfortable setting boundaries then don't blend the families.

Yeah, and the boundary can be "you can have friends around on a Friday but not the Saturday". Absolutely nothing wrong with that, perfectly normal parenting behaviour.

This exactly - if you've agreed to help with the parenting, then do the parenting by saying only on a Friday night, and that's it. It's not really complicated to solve.

So he’s with you every other Saturday? It’s a tricky one- it’s pretty miserable for him to be there if the whole point is to see his dad but his dad is out at work, he’s not allowed friends round and the only person there (OP) is clear that she’d rather be spending the evening on her own.

Is there no way his dad can switch shifts do that he’s not working on those particular Saturdays? If not, it might be better all round if he goes back to his mum’s for Saturday night, who is actually happy to have him there and who allows him to see his friends. I don’t understand why his dad is insisting op does everything she can to keep him there when he (the dad) isn’t there himself. Who is it benefiting? Not op and her dss, as far as I can see.

Do they have to stay? Could you not say they need to leave at 9 or something.

On the food issue, could you just have a bowl of snacks available for the friends ? No eating food from the fridge/fruit/family snacks, etc. Just the snack bowl and when it’s empty, it’s empty.

I think it's reasonable to say he can have his mates there when dh is there. I regularly say no to my kids if I want a quiet night etc. You're allowed to say no too.

Having your mates around isn't a right it's a privilege

Too bloody right.

Yanbu