Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say he's not to have friends round?

216 replies

ItsaREDcar · 07/05/2023 17:18

We have husband's older son (13) 3 nights a week (on the second week it's over the weekend so EOW but always 3 nights a week in total).

Husband's work is experiencing issues with staffing so he's having to pull some extra Saturday night shifts. As a result I agreed that DSS could still stay here on his normal weekends whilst DH was working. I have a 1.5 year old at home too.

DSS has started wanting mates over all the time, I get it, he's getting to be a teenager now but I just don't want it happening when his dad is here. He can't be trusted to keep it down and not wake the LO up, always sniffing around for tea/food and frankly I don't need multiple teens hanging around on a Saturday night when I'm trying to look after our DC too and also have an evening myself once LO is in bed. Oh and the fact they just hang about forever in the morning before leaving!

I've said to DH that I don't want DSS to have friends round again now whilst he isn't here, it's fine if he is because DH can deal with all the telling to be quiet, food making etc.. but I'm already sorting DSS out (which includes running him to and from a hobby on the Saturday afternoon with LO in tow) and I don't want to have to deal with his mates too.

DH is worried this will mean he'll start choosing to stay at his mums house more (who'd be fine with him staying at hers and let's him have mates round all the time) but I just think it's not really for me to deal with.

AIBU?

OP posts:
sparklefresh · 07/05/2023 20:11

It's his home.

sparklefresh · 07/05/2023 20:12

He can be there whenever he wants. How dare you decide he isn't allowed to stay in his own home? That isn't your choice.

Justalittlebitduckling · 07/05/2023 20:13

RampantIvy · 07/05/2023 17:29

DH is worried this will mean he'll start choosing to stay at his mums house more

I'm sorry, but that is likely to happen. Staying in on your own on a Saturday night when you are a teenager is pretty boring. Does he not go to his friends' houses?

Why does it bother DH where his DS stays if he’s not going to be there?

Neurodiversitydoctor · 07/05/2023 20:13

Mamamia32 · 07/05/2023 19:52

Could you compromise by saying that his friends are welcome for a couple of hours, but not welcome to sleepover? And offer them snacks/drinks but not a full dinner.

If your husband isn't there to parent then it's OK for you to set the rules instead. It sounds like you're not comfortable doing this so then you have a house full of young teenagers taking liberties.

As the mother of teens I'd say sleepovers during termtime are a bit of a car crash anyway. Mine weren't allowed them every weekend simply because it was terrible for their sleep and thus their health and education. Yes they can come round but they get picked up at 10.

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 20:14

sparklefresh · 07/05/2023 20:12

He can be there whenever he wants. How dare you decide he isn't allowed to stay in his own home? That isn't your choice.

That's not what the thread is about. It isn't his friends home, so she can say when they can be there.

MrsRandom123 · 07/05/2023 20:18

Lefteyetwitch · 07/05/2023 17:26

Yea because its her kid! And that's what you put up with when you create a child. This sint her child so she doesn't have to tolerate the extra shit bits

Show quote history

She does when she chose to shack up with a man who had baggage. She began a relationship & had a child to him - her child is no more important to her husband than his son is and if she couldn’t accept the large part DSS would have in her life & the time she’d need to give to looking after him some of the tine she should have started a family with a man who hadn’t already been there

ShittyGlitter · 07/05/2023 20:19

Some of the comments on here are beyond ridiculous
13 and 1 is a big age gap, I would be drawing the line too at rowdy friends hanging around too often. Step kids or otherwise YANBU

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 07/05/2023 20:20

sparklefresh · 07/05/2023 20:12

He can be there whenever he wants. How dare you decide he isn't allowed to stay in his own home? That isn't your choice.

She hasn't. His friends aren't allowed, and that's only on a Saturday.

Notimeforaname · 07/05/2023 20:22

Where do you consider a child's home to be if not with their parents (in one or two homes)? Do you consider children homeless and they should consider themselves fortunate to be allowed to sleep in their parent's house / home?

No, you misunderstood me.

My point is it's fine to be told no.

It IS his home ..he has not been told he cant live there!!

He was told he cant have other children around on the one night of the week that neither of his parents are there. That's absolutely fine.

SpecialControlGroup · 07/05/2023 20:22

*How about looking at it from the 13 year old’s point of view?- his mother and father are both equally his parents, their homes are both equally his home.

you are basically saying he can’t have his friends round to his home.*

But in what world are any teenagers (whether they live with their parents, or have step parents in the mix) allowed to have friends over all the time, a decision made completely unilaterally with no boundaries, discussion or consideration for the rest of the household? It just doesn't happen

Louoby · 07/05/2023 20:22

Tbh if my OH wasn't at home then my step children wouldn't be coming full stop so he should be grateful your keeping up with the routine. If he wants to have mates round then do it at his mums house or when dad is there - it's not unreasonable

Notimeforaname · 07/05/2023 20:24

He can be there whenever he wants. How dare you decide he isn't allowed to stay in his own home?

This didn't happen.
She said he cant have OTHER children in the home on Saturday nights.

SpecialControlGroup · 07/05/2023 20:24

(Hit post accidentally) it just doesn't happen in most homes, 13 year olds don't call the shots and a LOT of parents wouldn't allow hordes of mates staying on a Friday and Saturday night. Just because you have a teenager, it doesn't mean you have to consent to your house becoming the local teenage hangout (and at 13 they are still a kid, if the parent says no then it's no regardless of the fact it's the teens home)

AbreathofFrenchair · 07/05/2023 20:25

ItsaREDcar · 07/05/2023 17:18

We have husband's older son (13) 3 nights a week (on the second week it's over the weekend so EOW but always 3 nights a week in total).

Husband's work is experiencing issues with staffing so he's having to pull some extra Saturday night shifts. As a result I agreed that DSS could still stay here on his normal weekends whilst DH was working. I have a 1.5 year old at home too.

DSS has started wanting mates over all the time, I get it, he's getting to be a teenager now but I just don't want it happening when his dad is here. He can't be trusted to keep it down and not wake the LO up, always sniffing around for tea/food and frankly I don't need multiple teens hanging around on a Saturday night when I'm trying to look after our DC too and also have an evening myself once LO is in bed. Oh and the fact they just hang about forever in the morning before leaving!

I've said to DH that I don't want DSS to have friends round again now whilst he isn't here, it's fine if he is because DH can deal with all the telling to be quiet, food making etc.. but I'm already sorting DSS out (which includes running him to and from a hobby on the Saturday afternoon with LO in tow) and I don't want to have to deal with his mates too.

DH is worried this will mean he'll start choosing to stay at his mums house more (who'd be fine with him staying at hers and let's him have mates round all the time) but I just think it's not really for me to deal with.

AIBU?

No problem at all as long as you do the same when your child is wanting sleepovers etc as a teen.

A good step parent would ensure all children are treated the same when in the home.

Anyone who doesnt has never grown up with a step parent who tries to alienate them and keep a very obvious divide and therefore doesnt understand how hurtful and damaging it can be.

KitKatLove · 07/05/2023 20:28

Think about the child, he’s coming to spend time with his dad but he’s working and so he’s got the pleasure of your company and an 18 month old, the woman who his father has his new family with. Terrific! Give the kid a break, no sleepovers fair enough, but let him have a friend round.

Notimeforaname · 07/05/2023 20:28

Anyone who doesnt has never grown up with a step parent who tries to alienate them and keep a very obvious divide and therefore doesnt understand how hurtful and damaging it can be.

Ok , so saying no to the step childs friends staying over ONE NIGHT PER WEEK = alienating the step child.

Makes perfect sense 🤣

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 07/05/2023 20:39

I'd let them visit but to leave at 10 pm. If that isn't good enough so be it.

Original poster
ItsaREDcar · 07/05/2023 20:48

I think it’s better to let him stay at his mum’s on these evenings

It's not me saying he can't, it would make my life easier if he did but I accept why DH would prefer he didn't so offered him to stay here instead.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsaREDcar · 07/05/2023 20:52

He can be there whenever he wants. How dare you decide he isn't allowed to stay in his own home? That isn't your choice

Comments like this boggle me too. Most children cannot just unilaterally decide that they are going to one parents house or another. It has to be considered whether there is someone in said house to care for them. If I wasn't here, he couldn't just decide to come over because it's his home. He's a child which means no he can't just be in the house WHENEVER he wants because he needs someone there to care for him.

For example if I had plans one Saturday I wouldn't need to just cancel them because DSS has decided he's now coming to our house. He'd be told 'no you can't sorry because no one is in'.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsaREDcar · 07/05/2023 20:53

(I mean the Saturday when he wouldn't usually be with us btw. If I'd made plans for that day I wouldn't need to cancel them because DSS has decided he's coming round because 'its his home and how dare I not let him be there'. He'd be told no because he's a kid and he can't be here overnight alone.

OP posts:
BSB30 · 07/05/2023 20:54

With things like this, I feel it's always best to put the child first and think about what is best for them.

Children need friends and socialisation. Some of my best memories were having sleepovers with snacks and movies. It's all part of growing up. They do need to promise to keep the noise down though and if they don't, then remove the Xbox perhaps.

Kids need to do these things and have a good time, which unfortunately should come before us adults wanting alone time.

Original poster
ItsaREDcar · 07/05/2023 20:54

Justalittlebitduckling · 07/05/2023 20:13

Why does it bother DH where his DS stays if he’s not going to be there?

Show quote history

Because he thinks he just won't bother coming for the rest of the weekend when DH is there.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsaREDcar · 07/05/2023 20:56

BSB30 · 07/05/2023 20:54

With things like this, I feel it's always best to put the child first and think about what is best for them.

Children need friends and socialisation. Some of my best memories were having sleepovers with snacks and movies. It's all part of growing up. They do need to promise to keep the noise down though and if they don't, then remove the Xbox perhaps.

Kids need to do these things and have a good time, which unfortunately should come before us adults wanting alone time.

I'm not saying he can never do it. Just not on a Saturday, on a Friday instead

OP posts:
DunkingMyDonuts · 07/05/2023 21:04

Yanbu.

You are being perfectly fair, I've said no plenty of times to my children. It's what parents do.

To just say yes because you're a step parent is ridiculous.

You will have him as a teen for 3/4/5 years possibly till he stops coming over. So set the boundaries now. Every other Friday when his dad is there to have someone over is plenty!!

Glitterybee · 07/05/2023 21:09

Will you have the same opinion when your own biological child is 13? I doubt it…

Yet another evil step parent post, makes me very sad if I’m honest!

These kids deserve better! Ladies, if you’re with a man who already has a child/children please don’t commit unless you can treat said child/children as your own.

Swipe left for the next trending thread