Page 5 | To say he's not to have friends round?

ItsaREDcar · 2023-05-07T16:18:46+00:00

We have husband's older son (13) 3 nights a week (on the second week it's over the weekend so EOW but always 3 nights a week in total). Husband's work is experiencing issues with staffing so he's having to pull some extra Saturday night shifts. As a result I agreed that DSS could still stay here on his normal weekends whilst DH was working. I have a 1.5 year old at home too. DSS has started wanting mates over all the time, I get it, he's getting to be a teenager now but I just don't want it happening when his dad is here. He can't be trusted to keep it down and not wake the LO up, always sniffing around for tea/food and frankly I don't need multiple teens hanging around on a Saturday night when I'm trying to look after our DC too and also have an evening myself once LO is in bed. Oh and the fact they just hang about forever in the morning before leaving! I've said to DH that I don't want DSS to have friends round again now whilst he isn't here, it's fine if he is because DH can deal with all the telling to be quiet, food making etc.. but I'm already sorting DSS out (which includes running him to and from a hobby on the Saturday afternoon with LO in tow) and I don't want to have to deal with his mates too. DH is worried this will mean he'll start choosing to stay at his mums house more (who'd be fine with him staying at hers and let's him have mates round all the time) but I just think it's not really for me to deal with. AIBU?

BreadInCaptivity · 07/05/2023 19:19

DemelzaandRoss · 07/05/2023 19:04

YABU. The same reason as other posters. He should be treated the same as you would treat your biological child when older. So many threads like this recently. Sadly most posters show their true colours with SC. At the end of the day your choice of course.

Ok so a parent with a teen and a young child in the house would be unreasonable to say no to sleepovers every other Saturday night when dad was at work because the teen had a history of being noisy and waking the LO and sleepovers were never reciprocated with friends meaning the food bill was on one family only?

I'd say that parent was, you know....parenting in the sense balancing everyone's needs. Yes you can have friends round but on a Friday not a Saturday. Perfectly reasonable.

We too were also the "go to" home for sleepover due to space, and my goodness teen boys especially can be like locusts when it comes to food. It wasn't a problem for us financially but I'll admit on occasion feeling resentment towards the other parents (not the children) in never offering any contribution while we were expected to feed the "horde" (not said in a nasty way their gang nickname - weekend after weekend), not just in the evening, plus snacks, but often breakfast and lunch as well.

A parent can say this, but as soon as that person is a SM - hell no!!!!

Honestly, the double standards here are ridiculous.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 07/05/2023 19:20

DemelzaandRoss · 07/05/2023 19:04

YABU. The same reason as other posters. He should be treated the same as you would treat your biological child when older. So many threads like this recently. Sadly most posters show their true colours with SC. At the end of the day your choice of course.

But most parents say no sometimes when their children ask to have friends over. Are they evil and horrible too?

bobbyboo43 · 07/05/2023 19:23

ItsaREDcar · 07/05/2023 19:19

Do posters really think he should just be allowed to say 'friends X Y and Z are staying tonight' and that's that I can't ever say 'no not tonight' just because its his home? He doesn't just get to unilaterally decide when and who is staying

Nobody has said this though. Obviously no child whether they are biologically yours or not can get their own way all of the time. Of course it's not unreasonable to say no not tonight. But you have basically said you don't want it at all, ever, unless your dh is there.

I agree it would be a lot easier if your dh was there and he should be pulling his finger out to facilitate this and spend time with his son. However I think in your situation I would just see how it goes rather than saying no, never. Because at the end of the day you will allow it when the time comes for your own child surely? So why is your dss any different?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 07/05/2023 19:24

itsabigtree · 07/05/2023 19:13

It's not about going out of way to accommodate or doing a favor!

It's the boys other home. And it's what you agree to when you marry someone who already has kids. Yes it's annoying OP, but I think you might need to shift your mindset, to understanding that this is the boys home and he has just as much of a right to have friends here whether your husband is there or not.

It doesn't matter that it's his other home.

The adult in charge doesn't want to be responsible for a houseful of teenagers all weekend. My parents often said "no" to sleepovers (or having friends over in general) because they were tired, or because we had other plans, or because they had to work - it's normal. My friends parents were all the same.

If he wants a sleepover, he can have it on a Friday night, or go to his mates' house, or have his mates' round to his mum's house. It's not like his friends are being banned forever.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 07/05/2023 19:25

It's okay to say no sometimes. You are (step) parenting a teenager and need to know when to be firm and when to relax the rules.

Tell the mates that they need to start bringing snacks or cash for a takeaway. Your DSS can also bung a few pizzas in the oven.

Re the sound, get an Alexa or something in the room and tell them to settle down via that (saved the tips up and down) and can't you download something that lets you control the Xbox from your phone? If they make too much noise and don't heed the warnings, switch it off.

Honestly having a good relationship with your kids mates is really useful for when they're older teens and going out on the drink.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 07/05/2023 19:25

bobbyboo43 · 07/05/2023 19:23

Nobody has said this though. Obviously no child whether they are biologically yours or not can get their own way all of the time. Of course it's not unreasonable to say no not tonight. But you have basically said you don't want it at all, ever, unless your dh is there.

I agree it would be a lot easier if your dh was there and he should be pulling his finger out to facilitate this and spend time with his son. However I think in your situation I would just see how it goes rather than saying no, never. Because at the end of the day you will allow it when the time comes for your own child surely? So why is your dss any different?

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How do you know she'd always allow it for her own child?

Children can be told no. Even step-children. They won't dissolve or explode.

He has multiple other options for sleepovers - if he's that desperate, he can pick one of those instead.

darjeelingrose · 07/05/2023 19:26

bobbyboo43 · 07/05/2023 19:23

Nobody has said this though. Obviously no child whether they are biologically yours or not can get their own way all of the time. Of course it's not unreasonable to say no not tonight. But you have basically said you don't want it at all, ever, unless your dh is there.

I agree it would be a lot easier if your dh was there and he should be pulling his finger out to facilitate this and spend time with his son. However I think in your situation I would just see how it goes rather than saying no, never. Because at the end of the day you will allow it when the time comes for your own child surely? So why is your dss any different?

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This would be ok and a valid point if she said never. But they can come on a Friday, that seems perfect to me. What's the issue then?

berksandbeyond · 07/05/2023 19:26

Lefteyetwitch · 07/05/2023 17:26

Yea because its her kid! And that's what you put up with when you create a child. This sint her child so she doesn't have to tolerate the extra shit bits

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And that’s what you put up with when you marry a man who already has children

poor step son

SpecialControlGroup · 07/05/2023 19:26

ItsaREDcar · 07/05/2023 19:19

Do posters really think he should just be allowed to say 'friends X Y and Z are staying tonight' and that's that I can't ever say 'no not tonight' just because its his home? He doesn't just get to unilaterally decide when and who is staying

Well yes, as a stepchild he is the number one priority in the house, and his wants absolutely trump the wants and needs of everyone else in the house at all times. As Stepmum you should just just shut up and cater to his every whim without complaint, you are not allowed to set boundaries and he is ENTITLED to do whatever he wants whenever he wants as it's his home (fuck everyone else that also lives there)

Was that not in your marriage vows? 😉

DietCokeUser · 07/05/2023 19:28

SpecialControlGroup · 07/05/2023 19:26

Well yes, as a stepchild he is the number one priority in the house, and his wants absolutely trump the wants and needs of everyone else in the house at all times. As Stepmum you should just just shut up and cater to his every whim without complaint, you are not allowed to set boundaries and he is ENTITLED to do whatever he wants whenever he wants as it's his home (fuck everyone else that also lives there)

Was that not in your marriage vows? 😉

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This is rather harsh- I can’t see that the stepson has done anything wrong at all, he sounds like a normal teen. It’s the husband who is being unreasonable insisting that nothing can be done that makes the home less appealing than his mum’s home.

Miajk · 07/05/2023 19:29

Lefteyetwitch · 07/05/2023 17:26

Yea because its her kid! And that's what you put up with when you create a child. This sint her child so she doesn't have to tolerate the extra shit bits

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Then she shouldn't be with someone who has kids. Easy.

RocketIceLollie · 07/05/2023 19:29

You are sort of treading upon evil stepmother territory with this one I think. Set some boundaries such as kick out time for friends to leave sure, but an outright ban is probably a bit unwelcoming to your stepson.

darjeelingrose · 07/05/2023 19:30

Miajk · 07/05/2023 19:29

Then she shouldn't be with someone who has kids. Easy.

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Why? Why do you draw that conclusion. It seems really flawed.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 07/05/2023 19:30

berksandbeyond · 07/05/2023 19:26

And that’s what you put up with when you marry a man who already has children

poor step son

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Nonsense.

His friends can sleepover on Friday, or he can go over to theirs, or have his friends' over to his mum's house. He doesn't get to dictate that he has his friends over on a Saturday just because that's what he'd prefer.

My parents regularly said "no" to sleepovers on certain nights of the week - it's just normal parenting, isn't it?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 07/05/2023 19:32

Miajk · 07/05/2023 19:29

Then she shouldn't be with someone who has kids. Easy.

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Bollocks.

Being with someone who has kids doesn't mean saying "yes" to their every desire. He can have his mates over on Friday instead. No big deal.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 07/05/2023 19:32

RocketIceLollie · 07/05/2023 19:29

You are sort of treading upon evil stepmother territory with this one I think. Set some boundaries such as kick out time for friends to leave sure, but an outright ban is probably a bit unwelcoming to your stepson.

How is Friday not Saturday an outright ban? She's ok to have them there, just on a different day.

SpecialControlGroup · 07/05/2023 19:32

This is rather harsh- I can’t see that the stepson has done anything wrong at all, he sounds like a normal teen. It’s the husband who is being unreasonable insisting that nothing can be done that makes the home less appealing than his mum’s home.

That was less a comment on the child, and more on the views of a lot of people that post on the Step Parent threads

Reugny · 07/05/2023 19:33

BreadInCaptivity · 07/05/2023 19:19

Ok so a parent with a teen and a young child in the house would be unreasonable to say no to sleepovers every other Saturday night when dad was at work because the teen had a history of being noisy and waking the LO and sleepovers were never reciprocated with friends meaning the food bill was on one family only?

I'd say that parent was, you know....parenting in the sense balancing everyone's needs. Yes you can have friends round but on a Friday not a Saturday. Perfectly reasonable.

We too were also the "go to" home for sleepover due to space, and my goodness teen boys especially can be like locusts when it comes to food. It wasn't a problem for us financially but I'll admit on occasion feeling resentment towards the other parents (not the children) in never offering any contribution while we were expected to feed the "horde" (not said in a nasty way their gang nickname - weekend after weekend), not just in the evening, plus snacks, but often breakfast and lunch as well.

A parent can say this, but as soon as that person is a SM - hell no!!!!

Honestly, the double standards here are ridiculous.

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Agreed.

Funnily enough I know people with large age gaps between children so they have one/two teens and one/two small children with the same parents. The teen(s) wouldn't dare asking what the OP SS is trying.

MrsComet · 07/05/2023 19:34

This thread is a bit terrifying. Is it really the norm for 13yo to have sleepovers every weekend? I really hope not. Sounds like a nightmare.

Friends over to visit. Fine.
Sleepovers on Friday when DH is there. Fine
Saying no to sleepovers when you are the only adult there and it's too much work. Fine.

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 19:35

Of course it's not unreasonable to say no not tonight. But you have basically said you don't want it at all, ever, unless your dh is there.

It's perfectly reasonable to say a blanket no to doing something at a time that is inconvenient for the adult in charge. Other times are available.

sofasofa42 · 07/05/2023 19:35

I get so torn about these threads. I am a step mum , and I get it , but also very clearly have boundaries. What's wrong with " no today your baby bro/ sis needs some peace, I need peace " . One can come round and sleep over- then unleash hell when they wake anyone up? It's just a 13 yr old kid? My dsd has sleepovers- now 15 and they are up until 2/3 ( so they tell me) . If they woke me up, or the now 5 yr old I would rain down shit on them. It's like any other family.
You married a man with a child who is actually at an age you don't need to parent, just manage. I think in the nicest possible way- grow up, own your situation and control it.
If it was me and my daughter was 13 and she had a step parent and he couldn't deal with sleepovers politics, I would say- we aren't ready for this relationship. However- you decided to have a baby.,,, you are not going to win much love on this thread .

Reugny · 07/05/2023 19:35

berksandbeyond · 07/05/2023 19:26

And that’s what you put up with when you marry a man who already has children

poor step son

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Actually having rules about sleep overs is treating him like her own child.

Not giving a child rules and boundaries when you are the adult in charge is going to screw them up long term.

Freefall212 · 07/05/2023 19:36

He isn't just there to see his father = he is there because this is one of the two homes he lives in. Most teens aren't in their homes to visit with their parents, they are in their homes because they live there. That is their space, their home, regardless of mom or dad being at work or not. Do you all really kick your teens out of the house unless you are home and they want to spend time with you? Teens hanging out with friends is completely normal. It doesn't need to be every Saturday but the idea that he only has a right to be in his home if his father is there and if he wants to spend time with him makes no sense. That isn't how families function. Kids don't have their own personal homes - their homes are where their parents and they live, regardless of the parent being present in the home or not. It is still OPs child's home even if she leaves the house - it doesn't stop being a child's home if a parent is at work. There are four people for whom this house is their home.

darjeelingrose · 07/05/2023 19:36

MrsComet · 07/05/2023 19:34

This thread is a bit terrifying. Is it really the norm for 13yo to have sleepovers every weekend? I really hope not. Sounds like a nightmare.

Friends over to visit. Fine.
Sleepovers on Friday when DH is there. Fine
Saying no to sleepovers when you are the only adult there and it's too much work. Fine.

Yes! This is good sense. Lots of people seem to have gone mad because the OP is a step mum. But if a mum didn't want to have a lot of teenagers over on a Saturday night, but said that a Friday was fine instead, everybody would be falling over themselves to say that was just fine.

Firstmonthfree · 07/05/2023 19:36

It sounds like the step son wants to be round because he gets his own way every time. Why is your DH bothered that if you say no he’ll probably want to spend more time at his mums if your DH isn’t even there to enjoy his company?

it sounds like SS will go where he gets the most fun time, and DH wants to get one over on the ex-wife.