To say he's not to have friends round?

[ItsaREDcar]

We have husband's older son (13) 3 nights a week (on the second week it's over the weekend so EOW but always 3 nights a week in total).

Husband's work is experiencing issues with staffing so he's having to pull some extra Saturday night shifts. As a result I agreed that DSS could still stay here on his normal weekends whilst DH was working. I have a 1.5 year old at home too.

DSS has started wanting mates over all the time, I get it, he's getting to be a teenager now but I just don't want it happening when his dad is here. He can't be trusted to keep it down and not wake the LO up, always sniffing around for tea/food and frankly I don't need multiple teens hanging around on a Saturday night when I'm trying to look after our DC too and also have an evening myself once LO is in bed. Oh and the fact they just hang about forever in the morning before leaving!

I've said to DH that I don't want DSS to have friends round again now whilst he isn't here, it's fine if he is because DH can deal with all the telling to be quiet, food making etc.. but I'm already sorting DSS out (which includes running him to and from a hobby on the Saturday afternoon with LO in tow) and I don't want to have to deal with his mates too.

DH is worried this will mean he'll start choosing to stay at his mums house more (who'd be fine with him staying at hers and let's him have mates round all the time) but I just think it's not really for me to deal with.

AIBU?

Fair enough for an organised sleepover which occurs irregularly - or regularly, reciprocated.

Very entitled for a casual hang out with what looks like people inviting themselves over - and unfair if the burden falls only on one household.

Especially now that food prices have rocketed, and teen boys guzzle everything in sight. It's not a case of a couple of £1 pizzas but snacks etc. Can cost between £5 - £10 per person... if you have say 4 teens that's £40 a week, in 2 days!

Well his friends don't need to stay over for a start. I'd have them all hoofed put by 10pm. Alternatively dh drops him to his mums when he is going to work then picks him up the next morning and perhaps takes him out for breakfast?

There is no chance I would allow a group of noisy teenage boys to sleep over regularly while I was on my own with a 1.5 year old. Whether it was my teenager or not! Fuck that for a barrel of laughs...

The burden always falls on fewer houses than there are children. In the same way as some parents won't give lifts etc, some will not have children in. Some houses will be chaotic and unsuitable. I am not saying that anyone has to have them all the time,but I would not be holding my breath for equal reciprocation. I would just be deciding how many we could afford to host and how often.

I guess it depends on what the 'done' thing is where you are as well.
Mine aren't that stage yet but from parents of older kids.. their siblings etc some kids just pop around. We live in an urban area with plenty of shops nearby, so they're more than capable of popping out to buy their own food, or getting a takeaway. No 'hosting' needed.
These are close friends though.

A proper 'sleepover' requires hosting, food, etc. It's a big event.

I don't know if mine will keep the same few friends, but if it was the first instance I'd be happy to let them do their own thing.

The second, I'd have to really think about depending on our schedules. Maybe once every couple of months at most.

Here if they are in, you are feeding them, but not hosting the way you would your own guests. You are facilitating your child to host. It is casual, but requires snacks and breakfast as a minimum. So if you are not up for that, you don't let them pop around to stay over. It was the same where I am from in Ireland. I stayed over or had someone stay pretty much every weekend at least one night from when I was 13.

That’s what i thought initially but in this instance i can see the op’s point & think this would be an issue even if he was her child.
I think its fair saying he can have friends round Friday/ Saturday afternoon but you want some peace & quiet Saturday evening.

You haven’t heard of women who work using child care? You think that women who work never miss a moment of time with their children and are always home when their children are home?

OPs DH could hire someone to come into the home and provide child care to his son (and friends) if it’s too much for OP but they are still going to eat food and make noise when playing games as teens do. Does OP really want another child minder in the home too?

No, parents don’t all work around their children. Few full time jobs allow parents to never miss a moment of time with their child. Is OP also working full time and contributing 50% to her and shared child’s expenses? If so it isn’t likely she is able to do that without childcare.

This. If he has his friends round on Friday night, it’s not unreasonable for Saturday to be a quiet or family night. Or for him to go to the theirs on Saturday?

I completely agree with you. My step daughter is in her 30’s now but she used to have the odd sleepover when younger. Absolutely no way every weekend though. Our younger two are teenagers and again they’ve had the odd sleepover but there’s no way I’d be entertaining friends every weekend.

@ItsaREDcar this isn't normal, to insist on friends coming over to stay regularly and not going early the next day.

Instead of having them over at night playing on XBox can you try to arrange something extra in the day? Cinema? Football? More sports training?

Also is he getting his homework done well? I'd worry about that being overlooked as he moved between houses. Does he have end of year exams soon?

Can you move the friends over to Friday so they get more sleep on Saturday, and your partner is here?

The burden always falls on fewer houses than there are children. In the same way as some parents won't give lifts etc, some will not have children in. Some houses will be chaotic and unsuitable. I am not saying that anyone has to have them all the time,but I would not be holding my breath for equal reciprocation. I would just be deciding how many we could afford to host and how often.

Yes, I think this is a very sensible approach @Snugglemonkey. So say there are 5 boys in total and DSS is at OP's every other weekend, friends would be round every 10 weeks, roughly (I understand not all the other boys' families would reciprocate on such a regular rotation, but it is not on OP to pick up the slack for that). Put in those terms it might seem more manageable.

This I think has become the step mum equivalent of the cool wives who are happy with their husbands going out drinking every week and leaving everything to them.

How many 13 year olds genuinely have sleepovers every weekend

Why ask then?

Why ask then* @ItsaREDcar

for him to have certain rules, only 1 friend who goes home at times. You're right it's your house OP and you do get to make the rules if the dad isn't there. I don't think anyones saying you just have to say yes because he's a step child. You have to put rules in place like you would your younger child.

Assert your boundaries and come to a compromise.

Sorry posted too soon below

It was in response to the posters literally saying he can have friends over whenever he wants and why do I think I get to call the shots. That's ridiculous imo.