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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this peak CF'ery or should I let it go?

209 replies

Mumbleer · 07/05/2023 17:15

In-laws are staying the BH weekend with me, DH and DD (4 months). SIL and DP are staying elsewhere at an Airbnb. All of them live 3+ hours drive away.

Today we planned to go out altogether as a family. Because we have a little one, we try to be a bit more organised and so the day was (roughly) supposed to go like this:

  • leave house between 11-11.30 to meet SIL at tourist spot
  • have a walk around and do all the sights
  • lunch booked by DH at 2.15. General plan to split 3 ways by couple
  • back home late afternoon, SIL and DP staying out for BH drinks

I got up around 8.30 with DD as usual and got us both ready as I know it takes ages. DH went in to check on PILs at 10.30 - still snoring. Same again at 11. At that point he woke them up to check on plans and they said they would rather stay in bed and see us at lunch. Bit annoying but fair enough. We left and had a nice time with SIL and her DP.

DH called them several times to check they were up and still coming. No answer.

Our booking time arrives and DH gets a call - they're on their way. Better late than never. Everyone orders lunch and it's big portions. MIL eats little and is full up. Turns out she ate "breakfast" at ours about an hour beforehand. Ok then.

Everyone else finishes and we ask for the bill. FIL disappears to check on the car. MIL stands up and says "Hope it's OK, we're going to head out now to make the most of the sunshine and your dad wants to see XYZ. Bye then!". No exaggeration at all. And this was just as the waitress turned up to ask how we were splitting it.

DH ended up just paying the lot as we were all caught off guard. No thank yous, no apologies. No goodbyes even from FIL as he was at the car and didn't come back.

We came home with DD and are now waiting for them to come back.

AIBU to be absolutely flummoxed/furious? Is this peak CF'ery? How does one stop people in their tracks in the middle of something like this next time? Have no idea what to say to them when they get back and I'm not very good at hiding my emotions on my face.

Any ideas from MN?

OP posts:
Radiatorvalves · 07/05/2023 17:18

They sound rude. I’d say/text to say you paid the bill and their share came to £x. And do they need bank details?

Candleabra · 07/05/2023 17:18

When you say general plan to split the bill 3 ways, had your PIL agreed to this?
(Not that it’s ok they just left!)

MightyFishwife · 07/05/2023 17:19

Rejigging plans? Bit annoying, not a biggy. Fucking off when it’s time to pay for lunch, and not saying thanks or bye? Rude.

Original poster
Mumbleer · 07/05/2023 17:20

@Candleabra DH confirmed this to me, but I wasn't there when/if he spoke to them. So could be a misunderstanding.

OP posts:
sheworemellowyellow · 07/05/2023 17:21

Def CFery.

Had they agreed to all these plans?

Is MIL made to do stuff by FIL, or are they both CFers?

What does SIL make of this?

Personally I would stay out of it entirely, leave it to DH to deal with after making sure he knows your feelings on the matter. I never appreciate being treated as an Airbnb (free one at that).

Nimbostratus100 · 07/05/2023 17:21

sounds like you had a set timetable that they didnt really have any intention of going along with, fair enough, you dont control them. ask them for their share of the lunch, if that was what was agreed, but are you sure they didnt think you were inviting them?

Xiaoxiong · 07/05/2023 17:22

With people like this who are family, and in particular your DH's family, I think you just let it go this time and make a mental note that they are tight CFs who don't pay their share and don't mentally count on them paying again.

So next time "shall we each just pay for ourselves, it's so much easier don't you think. Ok anyone else having a starter?"

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 07/05/2023 17:22

Did SIL not offer to contribute to the bill either? Don't know why you paid the entire thing unless i read this wrongly? But i agree a text with what they owe and an offer of bank details. Very rude of the people who didn't at least offer to share the bill.

GrumpyPanda · 07/05/2023 17:22

So SIL didn't pay their share either?

sheworemellowyellow · 07/05/2023 17:23

Also, the fact your MIL actually ordered lunch when she’d just had breakfast, means she knew about the lunch plan and therefore knew she wasn’t playing along.

Heavensalongwayaway · 07/05/2023 17:26

CF’y of the highest order. DMum tells a story of when my grandparents did something similar. One went to ‘check on the dog in the car’. Then the other followed to ‘check on DFil’. Both knew plans to split bill etc and had agreed to all of it. I should also point out DParents had no money at the time - just enough for them.

8misskitty8 · 07/05/2023 17:27

If the agreement as a 3 way split then message them something like, ‘Lunch was lovely wasn’t it. You where in such as rush you forgot to leave your share of the bill here is our bank details. Thanks.’

8misskitty8 · 07/05/2023 17:29

Oh, and no more staying with you. Cheeky gits !

Original poster
Mumbleer · 07/05/2023 17:31

SIL didn't offer either. So she's going down as a CF'er as well!

At no point did we say it was our treat. I'm on statutory maternity pay which is common knowledge, so not exactly rolling in it!

OP posts:
8misskitty8 · 07/05/2023 17:33

Send bank details to bil/SIL as well.

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/05/2023 17:34

Radiatorvalves · 07/05/2023 17:18

They sound rude. I’d say/text to say you paid the bill and their share came to £x. And do they need bank details?

Just do this - it’s been agreed we will split it, so here are our bank details. Job done

Butterflyflytoday · 07/05/2023 17:35

What are your dinner plans? Could you ask them to order a take away and pay for it.

Original poster
Mumbleer · 07/05/2023 17:38

@Butterflyflytoday we'd bought in everything for dinner already. Aaarrrrgggghhh! Feel like BnB hosts who are just unpaid.

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 07/05/2023 17:38

That is definitely c.f.why else would they suddenly leave?
Hopefully they go home early!

Whatkindofuckeryisthis · 07/05/2023 17:39

Omg I’d be fuming! Firstly to just stay in bed at someone else’s house is rude, to then eat breakfast before lunch and then have the cheek not to offer to pay! Wow!! I’d tell DH to have a word and make out he was concerned as to why they stayed in bed and left so soon!

grinner83 · 07/05/2023 17:39

They sound horrible and I wouldn't go out of my way to spend time with them. Maybe next time a visit comes up in conversation, make sure the spare room is being decorated at that precise time!

ShowUs · 07/05/2023 17:40

The not splitting the bill wouldn’t annoy me as much as FIL going to the car and not coming back!

That is proper CFery!!!

Putyourdamnshoeson · 07/05/2023 17:41

CF and not welcome back

CheersForThatEh · 07/05/2023 17:41

I wouldnt say anything. Od bookmark it and do exactly the same to them next time when a bill comes.

MsRosley · 07/05/2023 17:41

Absolutely ask everyone to send you their contribution. Disgusting behaviour from your PILs - if you're hosting them, they should be treating you, not the other way around.