Is this peak CF'ery or should I let it go?

[Mumbleer]

In-laws are staying the BH weekend with me, DH and DD (4 months). SIL and DP are staying elsewhere at an Airbnb. All of them live 3+ hours drive away.

Today we planned to go out altogether as a family. Because we have a little one, we try to be a bit more organised and so the day was (roughly) supposed to go like this:

• leave house between 11-11.30 to meet SIL at tourist spot
• have a walk around and do all the sights
• lunch booked by DH at 2.15. General plan to split 3 ways by couple
• back home late afternoon, SIL and DP staying out for BH drinks

I got up around 8.30 with DD as usual and got us both ready as I know it takes ages. DH went in to check on PILs at 10.30 - still snoring. Same again at 11. At that point he woke them up to check on plans and they said they would rather stay in bed and see us at lunch. Bit annoying but fair enough. We left and had a nice time with SIL and her DP.

DH called them several times to check they were up and still coming. No answer.

Our booking time arrives and DH gets a call - they're on their way. Better late than never. Everyone orders lunch and it's big portions. MIL eats little and is full up. Turns out she ate "breakfast" at ours about an hour beforehand. Ok then.

Everyone else finishes and we ask for the bill. FIL disappears to check on the car. MIL stands up and says "Hope it's OK, we're going to head out now to make the most of the sunshine and your dad wants to see XYZ. Bye then!". No exaggeration at all. And this was just as the waitress turned up to ask how we were splitting it.

DH ended up just paying the lot as we were all caught off guard. No thank yous, no apologies. No goodbyes even from FIL as he was at the car and didn't come back.

We came home with DD and are now waiting for them to come back.

AIBU to be absolutely flummoxed/furious? Is this peak CF'ery? How does one stop people in their tracks in the middle of something like this next time? Have no idea what to say to them when they get back and I'm not very good at hiding my emotions on my face.

Any ideas from MN?

We're staying at DS and DSin law this weekend.
We've paid for all the dinners out for all four of us.N ot boasting, just grateful for the time together.
You're in laws are definitely CFs

I think it's time for a change of plans. You're not very hungry, just a bit of toast for supper I think

There is no way in HELL I would cook dinner for them after that. You need to tell them that since you had decided to split the bill and they ALL left before paying, here are your bank details. Don’t be a doormat to people who don’t deserve it op.

Maybe they thought as they had driven all this way to see you, (&sil/BIL also had cost of accommodation) and that you have made the plans & itinerary, that you were hosting & so paying ?
I would never assume such a thing but some people are just that way.

If you need the money ask for it.

If not use it as a reason to never host them or bother with them again!

What are they like usually?
No way I’d be cooking tonight.

Don’t cook tonight for them OP!

If it was a big lunch will you be needing much for evening meal?

I wouldn't be thinking of cooking for everyone!

If ILs thought that they weren't expected to pay why would they do a runner?

Why didn't SIL pay anything?

You need to ask them for their share. Or rather DH should. It's very cheeky to assume someone else is paying. I would say it's more customary to pay for your hosts if you're being put up as guests so it's doubly cheeky!

I’d just ask them both for the money.
Not sure why you didn’t ask SIL to pay their share when at the restaurant and say you’ll have to get PILs after.

There seems to be a thing, that once you’ve had a kid you’re expected to pay for everything.
We had this with relatives who had no kids and we had three. Constantly picking up the tab for everything, but they lived so frugally we assumed they were broke. When they died we found out they had millions !

Don't be a pushover

Send them both a text saying we paid everyone's share can you transfer £xx over and include back details.

How does one stop people in their tracks in the middle of something like this next time?

Try saying “Oi, where do you think you’re going without paying?” at the restaurant, or “You owe us £x for your share of lunch,” back at home. Rather than sitting there flummoxed. Or stop arranging stuff with them, if they’re obviously not arsed. Why is your dh calling them several times, just get on with your day and they can call you if they need to know where you are? Do they have form for this kind of bullshit?

I'm going to leave it with DH.

But just to be petty I'm not cooking the food I bought, will save that for when they've gone home. They can have nibbles because we all had a big lunch. If MIL is hungry because she wasted hers, that's her problem.

Yeah, they're CF. Both sides (my family and ILs) fight over the bill, as in try to treat everyone, when we meet. We don't go anywhere we couldn't each afford to pay for everyone.

I can't remember the last time my in laws actually let me or DH pay for lunch: we only ever manage to pay by stealth eg pretending we're going to the loo and getting the bill. I've never known anyone do the opposite, ie sneak off to AVOID playing the bill. It's just not on!

@cocoloco117 they definitely have form. Just never this blatant!

Rude rude rude. What a shame you had your daughter with you. I'd been inclined to stay out with SIL and OH then go back to theirs till midnight. I'd ignore their messages too and say you were out and about. Then I'd come home with a bag of chips....for 2.

If mil says she is hungry tell her to ring the restaurant and ask if they still have her leftovers... Point out how much money - your money - was wasted paying for that. What a cow.

Total CFs. Doesn't matter if you did or didn't explain beforehand that they would have to pay for their meals. Since when did anyone go out for dinner, disappear when the bill was being paid and not think to offer money towards it just because nobody had stipulated beforehand 'by the way when you order food at the restaurant you have to pay for it.' Unless someone announces that it is their treat, when you meet someone in a restaurant and order a meal you expect to have to pay. Normally when you are staying at someone else's house it is you that it is paying the whole bill as a thanks for their hospitality.
If they had genuinely thought you had offered to pay they would not have felt the need to vanish when the bill was being paid.

I would not eat out with them again. If they suggested it I would say 'i don't want to pay for 6 adults at a restaurant this evening. I'll just stick a pie in the oven.'

Isn't it odd for people, of any age, to stay in bed that late as a guest at sometime house?
I mention age, because as I get older, I'm rarely able to stay asleep beyond 6.30am.

Do they normally stay in bed that late?

Did they agree to the timetable? Are they short of money?

Are they in a huff because they can't constantly hold your baby, poke their fingers in her mouth etc?

Cf, the lot of them. Yeah get your husband to message sil, get her share. Do not cook for them tonight.

What age are they? Tahys mental staying in bed till that time of the day when you are a house guest and have plans. Dont make them one more meal. You have a 4 month old baby they should be looking after you!

The sleeping in but I find odd!! Are they teenagers haha… how can they not be ready by then it’s just rude.

1. No more IL house guests - they can book an AirBnB and sleep all day if they choose;
2. If you eat out with them again, pay for yours and your DH food when you order it, then leave them to argue about the bill.
3. If they do expect a meal tonight - beans on toast as you've had an enormous lunch and you're not hungry (hide the good stuff).

Just say "let's settle up about lunch. You owe me £...."