Is this peak CF'ery or should I let it go?

[Mumbleer]

In-laws are staying the BH weekend with me, DH and DD (4 months). SIL and DP are staying elsewhere at an Airbnb. All of them live 3+ hours drive away.

Today we planned to go out altogether as a family. Because we have a little one, we try to be a bit more organised and so the day was (roughly) supposed to go like this:

• leave house between 11-11.30 to meet SIL at tourist spot
• have a walk around and do all the sights
• lunch booked by DH at 2.15. General plan to split 3 ways by couple
• back home late afternoon, SIL and DP staying out for BH drinks

I got up around 8.30 with DD as usual and got us both ready as I know it takes ages. DH went in to check on PILs at 10.30 - still snoring. Same again at 11. At that point he woke them up to check on plans and they said they would rather stay in bed and see us at lunch. Bit annoying but fair enough. We left and had a nice time with SIL and her DP.

DH called them several times to check they were up and still coming. No answer.

Our booking time arrives and DH gets a call - they're on their way. Better late than never. Everyone orders lunch and it's big portions. MIL eats little and is full up. Turns out she ate "breakfast" at ours about an hour beforehand. Ok then.

Everyone else finishes and we ask for the bill. FIL disappears to check on the car. MIL stands up and says "Hope it's OK, we're going to head out now to make the most of the sunshine and your dad wants to see XYZ. Bye then!". No exaggeration at all. And this was just as the waitress turned up to ask how we were splitting it.

DH ended up just paying the lot as we were all caught off guard. No thank yous, no apologies. No goodbyes even from FIL as he was at the car and didn't come back.

We came home with DD and are now waiting for them to come back.

AIBU to be absolutely flummoxed/furious? Is this peak CF'ery? How does one stop people in their tracks in the middle of something like this next time? Have no idea what to say to them when they get back and I'm not very good at hiding my emotions on my face.

Any ideas from MN?

Yes I agree, this is about more than the money for lunch, MIL sounds really avoidant, especially after your update about a previous lunch plan. If you’ve known her a long time has she changed since covid?

My parents are quite old fashioned and if we ever went for a meal my mum an dad or in laws would pay for us, so yeah I see it as bizarre

@Katherine1985 @Floribundaflummery I think you've both nailed it. Don't know why MIL is the way she is. Could be COVID. But I've learnt since DD came along that FIL was the more hands on parent, so maybe she's always been like it.

The money aspect was cheeky, but my family never had money growing up (there was a lot of love and effort with each other in it's place) so the most galling part for me was them staying in bed and missing the activity we'd planned together, then rushing off to do it themselves without us. And the fact that she went out shopping last time when I thought she had come to spend time with DD. Now that I've calmed down a bit I just feel a bit sad for them all.

Incredibly rude! Not just not offering to pay for the food they ate, but also not sticking with the prearranged plans. You’d think they’d want to spend time with the 3 of you!

IF they ever come again tell DH it's all on him. They stay in a B&B and you'll be taking the baby out on your own.

How has he reacted to today?

I am not a baby person. But my dgc wasn't just any baby. Your mil is frigging odd...
Leave any relationship to dh and ils. No way should you be making any plans from now on.

We once visited PIL, SIL & family - went for dinner. Came to pay and all the adults kind of scarpered, leaving DH and I to pay - same situation where we kind of panicked and just paid. Just DH and I family of two paid for PIL, then SIL, her husband and 4 children! DH wouldn’t say anything so we never got money from them.
PIL in fairness have since offered to pay for dinners we’ve been for with them since, but SIL and her clan order the most expensive on everything and then just sit there waiting for her parents to pay, even though she and her DH have far more money than the rest of us. CFers!

Yeah not getting involved any longer.

DH said he had been on edge all weekend waiting for them to do something like this and they proved him right unfortunately. So not sure what his next move will be.

I'm so happy we moved to be closer to my family!

My parents are a nightmare too.

When they stay, I only suggest plans - settling myself to enjoying without them, a bonus if they join us. That way there isn't a pressure. I do the same with my near adult DC’s. Easy plans, less expectation, choice for everyone.

Paying...euggh - again my parents....if it is my birthday and I invite them...I pay. If it's my parents’ birthday and I suggest we go out...I pay. If it's my DC’s birthday...I pay. Not sure how all that came about...☺️

In fact, I tried to address the balance, agreed to meet my parents at a pub local to them, for Sunday lunch. We agreed to split the bill....when it came my DM pulled out a £10 note and said she had forgotten the rest of her cash....so I paid....😱🤷‍♀️

Are they still out OP?!

Wow, how rude.

Yeah the staying in bed but is a bit weird, but what I find really odd is the fact Mil ate brekkie knowing she would be meeting you for lunch 1 hour later???

@Littlepiglet123 sign of a totally self absorbed person.

OP do you think your in laws like to be the ones 'in control' and don't like other people setting the day's agenda? My in laws are like this. And they let you know if they don't like the timings of the day by moaning or not turning up, etc.

@Littlepiglet123 @DunkingMyDonuts Yeah it is weird. She'll be distracted or doing something else for hours and then can be suddenly hungry and won't wait, even if we're about to eat. Like a toddler.

They've been back awhile and we stuck to picky bits, no cooking!

Good for you 😁

@Sustainablelossofweight I've no idea.

They were late to our wedding. DH told them to arrive at 1.30pm for a 2pm ceremony. They set off at 1.30. It was a 40 minute drive.

As a side note - it's DH's birthday on Wednesday and I've not seen a card or anything from anyone.

They're so unlike my own family I can't get my head around it.

I am at this. Did you wait for them?!

Where is your husband? They’re his parents. He needs to sort them out.

@EscapeRoomToTheSun oh yes I had no choice.

I was on my way across the farm we got married on and had to be shepherded into our reception building to wait for DFIL to tuck his shirt in outside the ceremony barn.

He's soft on them and always has been. I don't know what he can do? Other than ask for the money back. They're set in their ways.

I feel bad for you all but especially your Dh, to admit he's been on edge all weekend pulled at my heart strings a bit.
I hope your family ( they sound much nicer ) have adopted him well within the fold.

Best to just chill & let it go - let your DH deal with them as it doesn't sound like you'll change them, so avoid the stress & just leave them to it (easier said than done, I know, but save yourself the angst if you can as your poor DH sounds like he knows way they're like already).

In a similar vein; DH and I were married in the town hall, a 2 minute walk away from a lovely hotel where we, and many of the guests were staying. 5 minutes before the ceremony was due to start, my Dad and I, in all our finery, were walking across the lobby of the hotel to walk to the town hall, when out of the corner of my eye I see my uncle - still in the bar! I asked my Dad to go and have a word, and from the bar emerged 2 uncles, an aunt, 3 cousins and my own Mother! They then had the cheek to ask me to "Hold on a minute while we finish our drinks", but I ignored them and they ended up arriving after me! I was kind and let them go into the ceremony room before the bridal march started, but it's so typical of my DM, can't have anything where she's not centre of attention!