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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this peak CF'ery or should I let it go?

209 replies

Mumbleer · 07/05/2023 17:15

In-laws are staying the BH weekend with me, DH and DD (4 months). SIL and DP are staying elsewhere at an Airbnb. All of them live 3+ hours drive away.

Today we planned to go out altogether as a family. Because we have a little one, we try to be a bit more organised and so the day was (roughly) supposed to go like this:

  • leave house between 11-11.30 to meet SIL at tourist spot
  • have a walk around and do all the sights
  • lunch booked by DH at 2.15. General plan to split 3 ways by couple
  • back home late afternoon, SIL and DP staying out for BH drinks

I got up around 8.30 with DD as usual and got us both ready as I know it takes ages. DH went in to check on PILs at 10.30 - still snoring. Same again at 11. At that point he woke them up to check on plans and they said they would rather stay in bed and see us at lunch. Bit annoying but fair enough. We left and had a nice time with SIL and her DP.

DH called them several times to check they were up and still coming. No answer.

Our booking time arrives and DH gets a call - they're on their way. Better late than never. Everyone orders lunch and it's big portions. MIL eats little and is full up. Turns out she ate "breakfast" at ours about an hour beforehand. Ok then.

Everyone else finishes and we ask for the bill. FIL disappears to check on the car. MIL stands up and says "Hope it's OK, we're going to head out now to make the most of the sunshine and your dad wants to see XYZ. Bye then!". No exaggeration at all. And this was just as the waitress turned up to ask how we were splitting it.

DH ended up just paying the lot as we were all caught off guard. No thank yous, no apologies. No goodbyes even from FIL as he was at the car and didn't come back.

We came home with DD and are now waiting for them to come back.

AIBU to be absolutely flummoxed/furious? Is this peak CF'ery? How does one stop people in their tracks in the middle of something like this next time? Have no idea what to say to them when they get back and I'm not very good at hiding my emotions on my face.

Any ideas from MN?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 07/05/2023 19:02

Such rude behaviour.

I have never come across that in a family environment and as you are on mat leave it's even worse.

Not normal to do that to anyone, least of all family.

I think it is your husbands job to have a word, but going forward be very ruthless if they visit again.

No meals out because they can't be trusted to not take advantage and do the plainest least expensive meal with zero effort.

I wouldn't be encouraging visits from them when they think so little of you and are comfortable being such rude guests.

Sunraes · 07/05/2023 19:03

What is your husband going to do?

Moveoverdarlin · 07/05/2023 19:04

I think grown adults sleeping in until 11am when you’re staying with family is really odd.

Travelfan2021 · 07/05/2023 19:07

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

MyFaceIsAnAONB · 07/05/2023 19:09

Radiatorvalves · 07/05/2023 17:18

They sound rude. I’d say/text to say you paid the bill and their share came to £x. And do they need bank details?

This. Check on the car?? What the hell needs checking? Bizarre indeed.

Original poster
Mumbleer · 07/05/2023 19:09

@Travelfan2021 no he did not, even though he said he was going to. It's definitely on him and he knows it.

OP posts:
Napoleonsjosephine · 07/05/2023 19:10

Moveoverdarlin · 07/05/2023 19:04

I think grown adults sleeping in until 11am when you’re staying with family is really odd.

Me too . Post kids I can’t sleep in but even before I can’t imagine visiting anyone and staying in my bed gone 11 am

SoShallINever · 07/05/2023 19:10

Maybe they felt that as they'd driven for 3 hours to get there and SIL had also paid for a BandB, that you should provide meals?
I'm not saying that is ok, I also think they are well out of order, I'm just trying to work out their thinking.

Mischance · 07/05/2023 19:10

When they get back just say "Oh by the way, your share of the lunch bill was £X" - you can deal with the the other relatives at another time.

My ILs used to sleep a lot - they visited my parents for the first time and we lost them for ages after lunch - then found them asleep under a hedge! And when we used to visit them they spent most of the time asleep, during which we were told we must keep the children quiet! - hello, we have driven all this way so you can see the children and you want us to just keep them out of your way!!

Original poster
Mumbleer · 07/05/2023 19:12

@MyFaceIsAnAONB I think he was checking that he hadn't parked in a restricted space. A little bit late after the meal!! Funny that...

OP posts:
Napoleonsjosephine · 07/05/2023 19:12

Mischance · 07/05/2023 19:10

When they get back just say "Oh by the way, your share of the lunch bill was £X" - you can deal with the the other relatives at another time.

My ILs used to sleep a lot - they visited my parents for the first time and we lost them for ages after lunch - then found them asleep under a hedge! And when we used to visit them they spent most of the time asleep, during which we were told we must keep the children quiet! - hello, we have driven all this way so you can see the children and you want us to just keep them out of your way!!

What they laid down on the ground and went to sleep under a hedge?😂

SoShallINever · 07/05/2023 19:12

Mischane Under a hedge! No way! Thats hilarious.

mydogisthebest · 07/05/2023 19:14

Cheeky and weird. Who sleeps in until 11 or later? Even if that is normal for them they should not be doing it at your house.

dapsnotplimsolls · 07/05/2023 19:17

What's the plan for tomorrow? We need to know so we can advise ...

Original poster
Mumbleer · 07/05/2023 19:33

@dapsnotplimsolls absolutely nothing. They've said they want to visit a museum on the way home so will need to leave early (yeah right!). If they're out before lunch I'll be amazed.

OP posts:
Gothambutnotahamster · 07/05/2023 19:34

Just test them all and tell them how much their share of lunch was. Rather than split, can you work out their exact bills (plus tip) & tell them what that was, so there's no wriggle room out of it for them?

They definitely sound very cheeky! Don't let them away with it.

Gothambutnotahamster · 07/05/2023 19:34

*text not test

Pansypotter123 · 07/05/2023 19:41

They've said they want to visit a museum on the way home so will need to leave early (yeah right!).

Excellent - tell them you're off out in the morning too, sorted!

Katherine1985 · 07/05/2023 19:47

Are your in laws the type to just not like being out of their own environment or comfort zone? Do they go on holidays or socialise much? Because cf tightness apart it just seems quite weird and uncooperative behaviour all round, not really going along with anything they’d agreed

PinkyFlamingo · 07/05/2023 19:48

Can nooone just bring up the subject of money? They're only cheeky if you let them away with it!

Truestorypeeps · 07/05/2023 19:48

I honestly thought it was only (some) teenagers or people nursing a hangover that would lay in past 11! And to do it in your house when they've come to see you all?! How weird!

Floribundaflummery · 07/05/2023 19:53

They don’t seem to have any idea about making a happy family day out, everyone contributing and agreeing together what to do. MIL just sounds totally selfish and self absorbed. It must be so sad and disappointing for your DH and they are going to miss what could be so many good times together as DD grows up. If they made the effort to come and stay it is strange MIL doesn’t seem keen on time together.
Definitely get DH to ask for the money for lunch from both. If he doesn’t I would ask for it, as the more they get away with the less respect they will have.

Sustainablelossofweight · 07/05/2023 19:54

I have a family member who does this, takes but never gives or gives the very bare minimum. I don't make plans with them anymore. Sad but true.

Katherine1985 · 07/05/2023 19:55

Truestorypeeps · 07/05/2023 19:48

I honestly thought it was only (some) teenagers or people nursing a hangover that would lay in past 11! And to do it in your house when they've come to see you all?! How weird!

Yes exactly!!

Even after late nights and drinking, once we were staying over with friends (rather than living as sharers) we’d be up before 11am, even if just drinking coffee in our dressing gowns

lunaloveroo · 07/05/2023 19:55

They sound really rude and disrespectful. Do you live in a touristy area? Sounds like they fancied a holiday and not to visit you and baby.

Not offering to pay is cf. did your dh offer to pay? As a family we often do take turns of getting the bill- my df usually tries to get there first and we have to fight him off. Our set up always works out fair though. If someone had hosted me though I'd expect to treat the hosts to a meal out for providing food and a bed.