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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this peak CF'ery or should I let it go?

209 replies

Mumbleer · 07/05/2023 17:15

In-laws are staying the BH weekend with me, DH and DD (4 months). SIL and DP are staying elsewhere at an Airbnb. All of them live 3+ hours drive away.

Today we planned to go out altogether as a family. Because we have a little one, we try to be a bit more organised and so the day was (roughly) supposed to go like this:

  • leave house between 11-11.30 to meet SIL at tourist spot
  • have a walk around and do all the sights
  • lunch booked by DH at 2.15. General plan to split 3 ways by couple
  • back home late afternoon, SIL and DP staying out for BH drinks

I got up around 8.30 with DD as usual and got us both ready as I know it takes ages. DH went in to check on PILs at 10.30 - still snoring. Same again at 11. At that point he woke them up to check on plans and they said they would rather stay in bed and see us at lunch. Bit annoying but fair enough. We left and had a nice time with SIL and her DP.

DH called them several times to check they were up and still coming. No answer.

Our booking time arrives and DH gets a call - they're on their way. Better late than never. Everyone orders lunch and it's big portions. MIL eats little and is full up. Turns out she ate "breakfast" at ours about an hour beforehand. Ok then.

Everyone else finishes and we ask for the bill. FIL disappears to check on the car. MIL stands up and says "Hope it's OK, we're going to head out now to make the most of the sunshine and your dad wants to see XYZ. Bye then!". No exaggeration at all. And this was just as the waitress turned up to ask how we were splitting it.

DH ended up just paying the lot as we were all caught off guard. No thank yous, no apologies. No goodbyes even from FIL as he was at the car and didn't come back.

We came home with DD and are now waiting for them to come back.

AIBU to be absolutely flummoxed/furious? Is this peak CF'ery? How does one stop people in their tracks in the middle of something like this next time? Have no idea what to say to them when they get back and I'm not very good at hiding my emotions on my face.

Any ideas from MN?

OP posts:
nettie434 · 08/05/2023 03:18

but she misses having him around and is sad to not be more involved in DGD's life as they live so far away

So she misses having him around so much that the next time she plans to visit you will be away? 🤔🤔

That just makes the earlier CFery even worse.

transformandriseup · 08/05/2023 03:42

Before the rise of AirBnB's we had YEARS of people coming to stay with my parents for a free holiday, some were CF's and my parents would agree also. I know some are saying be more chilled but I would also think it's rude to lay in until midday in someone else's house when plans had been made. Sneaking around getting out of paying for the meal would have enraged me, maybe the DH and SIL families should have paid but generally if you are staying with someone paying for a meal out is fair even if its family.

MichelleScarn · 08/05/2023 05:03

Mumbleer · 08/05/2023 02:47

Oh and to top it all off, after apologising she then asked if they could house sit for us at the end of June - we're going away for two nights. WTF? Just be honest and say you want a free weekend away. Clearly it doesn't matter if we're there or not!

Hope that was a hard no!

user1492757084 · 08/05/2023 05:16

Learn from it.
Make light of it in your own mind so their rudeness causes you no sleepless nights..
Don't make plans again and ever expect that they would stick to them so don't plan anything expensive. Eat out at places that like ordering and paying at the same time before the meal.

I'd tell them the cost of their meal and expect them to reimburse you but if they don't - remind them next time they suggest that you eat out, that it's their turn to pay.

Lolabear38 · 08/05/2023 05:20

I think I’m a MN anomaly here, but I’m always happy to pay for parents/ in laws to eat. Full disclosure - whilst not loaded we can afford to do this semi regularly, I may feel
differently otherwise. Just basing this on my own experience.

There was a thread on here earlier where the poster was complaining their parents always turn up and expect feeding - I’d also not be at all bothered by this. For context though, my parents/ PIL have always been very very kind and supportive towards us and so I don’t begrudge them a meal out or at ours ever, they always have and I’m sure always will appreciate it and in my opinion it’s the very least we can do.

The lack of a basic thank you would probably
grate a little though, no need for effusive thanks but a simple thank you is always nice.

Dibbydoos · 08/05/2023 06:02

They're staying with you, they should have paid. Can you afford it? If so, I'd be miffed, if not I'd be angry.

Some people. Like they say, you can't choose family!

Hairbrushhandle · 08/05/2023 06:09

Assuming they paid for your dh to eat for 18 years I'd say yabu. I wouldn't bother trying to schedule them though, just say "we are doing x, you are welcome to join"

KatieKat88 · 08/05/2023 07:16

Hairbrushhandle · 08/05/2023 06:09

Assuming they paid for your dh to eat for 18 years I'd say yabu. I wouldn't bother trying to schedule them though, just say "we are doing x, you are welcome to join"

I'm fairly certain her DH didn't ask to be born and that feeding your child is parenting 101... fair enough to decide to treat your parents as an adult or take turns but PIL haven't even said thank you - that's just rude.

Emotionalsupportviper · 08/05/2023 07:30

Radiatorvalves · 07/05/2023 17:18

They sound rude. I’d say/text to say you paid the bill and their share came to £x. And do they need bank details?

This - make them pay. Their behaviour is shocking!

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 08/05/2023 07:45

Cut the cord, don’t invite them again.

I know from experience it doesn’t get any better.

nidgey · 08/05/2023 07:47

Saddaughterinlawagain · 08/05/2023 00:52

I can see I'm in the vast minority, but if I ever go to dinner with my parents or PILs I offer to pay, especially if another sibling there. We would split it and not expect our parents to pay. I kind of see it as payback for them bringing us up. I would be upset about them not coming to the activity and not wanting to spend time together. The way they left the meal was rude too.

Same, and same with a lot of my friends - as we're all adults now we try to treat our parents as much as possible and would never ever expect them to pay for a meal or even a coffee if we're out together. They raised us and fed us and it's only right that we show our gratitude in some small ways by making their lives easier.

nidgey · 08/05/2023 07:53

rowanoak · 08/05/2023 00:03

That would bother me. You shouldn't assume that your visitors will want to spend their whole trip doing everything you want them to do! It's common courtesy to ask them what they'd like to do and try to compromise, or to invite them along to what you're doing with no expectations or conditions of them coming along.

I'm really not sure why you thought they'd want to tag along with you the whole time. Some people are private and enjoy their one on one time together. I've stayed with close friends I love to death sometimes (back when we had less money for hotels and such, and less kids, lol), but still go out to dinner one on one with my husband or stay in watching our favorite movie and then sleeping in the next day, etc., because we like that time to decompress and do our own thing and my friends have never held it against us. They just offer their house and ask what we want to do to, or may suggest some things or invite us to plans they're doing, and see if we want to do it or not, but they don't just expect us to tag along with them on things they've planned and get mad and resentful at us if we don't!

Likewise when they stay with us we do the same. We're all just chilled laid back people who are happy to spend any time together but who don't plan out a schedule of things for others to do without checking with them! My sister/family of origin are the ones who do that make a whole bunch of plans and expect us to do it with them or else get mad and resentful at us and it's entitled and demanding and annoying, and so we don't stay with them anymore and we barely see them at all because they have to have that attitude the whole time. I feel like that's too enmeshed, IMO. No one has to do everything with people not in their immediate family unit all the time just because they're visiting them on vacation or staying with them.

And heck, even in the immediate family, not everyone has to do the same thing the whole time on vacation. When traveling I like to go find a Zumba class and my husband likes to go rollerblading. Or if we have our kids with us, he might take one to the arcade while I take another to a museum, depending on their tastes, and we don't expect everyone to follow the same schedule or even plan a strict itinerary in advance. We just calendar a few things we want to make sure to hit... like one thing a day or less that we have to buy tickets for in advance or want to make sure to plan so we don't miss... and even that gets kind of stressful, and otherwise we're like "Hmm, what should do today on this lovely day of vacation? You want to do this, he wants to do that, let's divide it up, or let's pick one thing to do altogether, etc." Some people are laid back like that and not everyone wants to stick to a strict schedule at all during their vacations... especially not someone else's strict schedule they made for them without even asking them...

Show quote history

Do you mean you go and stay with people and just do your own thing and not spend time with them? What do you bring to the situation? The OP said they ran through the plans with their ILs first, so it seems a very different scenario, and these aren't their chilled friends, they're the grandparents of their child who they've said they want to spend more time with. It's a completely different situation.

CabbagePatchDole · 08/05/2023 08:04

I know it's CFery but if it was me I would let it go - but I can afford to pay. It's a different matter if you can't. It sounds as though they are struggling a bit - both physically and financially. It might have taken it out of them to get to yours in the first place. Some of my family members are quite hard up so even getting to my place would be a stretch.

LookItsMeAgain · 08/05/2023 08:38

Was there any offer to pay for their meals @Mumbleer ?

I'd have to say to them "Oh, we already have someone lined up to look after the house while we're away, so we don't need you to house-sit for us."

Start pushing back but politely.

If they haven't offered to pay for their meal, get your DH to ask for it. Think of it this way, by them not paying, they are taking X or Y away from your child as you would have the money to spend on X or Y for your child if the inlaws paid their way!

shammalammadingdong · 08/05/2023 10:29

However, your husband paid for it. That's on him. He did not HAVE to pay for their food

They go up and left before the bill came. Someone had to pay for it!

Kisskiss · 08/05/2023 15:01

nidgey · 08/05/2023 07:47

Same, and same with a lot of my friends - as we're all adults now we try to treat our parents as much as possible and would never ever expect them to pay for a meal or even a coffee if we're out together. They raised us and fed us and it's only right that we show our gratitude in some small ways by making their lives easier.

Show quote history

I pay for my parents, their flights, their meals when they visit us etc. However, they have also been very generous with help with their grandkids and in hosting us .

They also never assume we are paying ( ie sneaking off before the bill arrives) and they do sometimes buy a meal or two themselves.

the situation described here is completely different- i dont think I would be happy paying for my parents if they acted like the Ops in laws.. ( RUDE and ENTITLED springs to mind)

oosha · 08/05/2023 18:03

This usually ends up happening to me in my family so I totally empathise and feel angry for you. The only way to deal with that kind of cheeky fckery is to directly tell both couples the amount they owe you and give them your bank details so they can transfer it. You have to match the cheeky fckery.

Missingpop · 08/05/2023 18:03

Be polite & say we picked up the tab for your meal but please can you transfer £*.** to us pleas to cover your meal & drinks; if they kick off point out you’ve got a baby & your not a charity they can either lump it or like it next time be more careful when booking meals out x

NoTouch · 08/05/2023 18:33

Why your dh pay for SIL too? Why didn't he just say - well mum and dad have disappeared on us just as the bill came! What do you want to do split two ways and treat them or split 3 ways and I'll get the money off them later?

Sounds like there is a massive amount of miscommunication going on and your dh is part of it.

mustgetoffmn · 08/05/2023 19:29

Nimbostratus100 · 07/05/2023 17:21

sounds like you had a set timetable that they didnt really have any intention of going along with, fair enough, you dont control them. ask them for their share of the lunch, if that was what was agreed, but are you sure they didnt think you were inviting them?

no not control but when you are hosting? Even close family? The day sounds as though they treated the stay like a BnB . If I was a new mother with such a small baby I’d expect more interest from her Grandparents. But I think DH needs to tackle. And different boundaries in future.

Ukrainebaby23 · 08/05/2023 19:33

Whatkindofuckeryisthis · 07/05/2023 17:39

Omg I’d be fuming! Firstly to just stay in bed at someone else’s house is rude, to then eat breakfast before lunch and then have the cheek not to offer to pay! Wow!! I’d tell DH to have a word and make out he was concerned as to why they stayed in bed and left so soon!

Exactly, I realise probably tired from the travel but it's rude to stay in bed when visiting unless ill. Don't sound like very thoughtful people, probably wouldn't want to host them again.

mustgetoffmn · 08/05/2023 19:47

Mumbleer · 08/05/2023 02:47

Oh and to top it all off, after apologising she then asked if they could house sit for us at the end of June - we're going away for two nights. WTF? Just be honest and say you want a free weekend away. Clearly it doesn't matter if we're there or not!

Refuse. Make up a reason. Can I ask are they”alternative” ie sort of old hippy culture? I’m from that era and it does breed a sort of lack of interest in schedules and organisation. Very laissez faire. I’m not excusing but it’s a sort of different cultural behaviour. That said we all have to adjust and be sociable. They sound pretty spoilt and rude

Mrsgreen100 · 08/05/2023 19:47

Don’t know anyone other than teens that sleep in that late , lazy tight buggers
I would say nothing but don’t host them again
ever
next time go to their house and do the same stunt

MeridianB · 08/05/2023 20:04

You’re not imagining it. They are totally CF. I hope your DH says to his sister “Are we splitting the whole thing or should we ask mum and dad for their share?” To address the fact they took advantage, too.

I sincerely hope that you won’t be having ILs back to stay any time soon.

T1Dmama · 08/05/2023 20:08

It all depends…. When you stay at theirs and go out for food, do they pay? Maybe they feel that as you were hosting them you should pay??
Sleeping in and not coming out with you though is so rude!

I would tell them you don’t need a house sitter as your family are close by! Tell them surely they’re better coming when you’re actually there!! WTAF!

If they come again I wouldn’t arrange to eat out unless the payment is agreed upfront! Or I’d say ‘that sounds lovely, we paid last time… whose turn is it this time?!?!’

Id be annoyed though and wouldn’t be in any rush to invite them again…