Is this peak CF'ery or should I let it go?

[Mumbleer]

In-laws are staying the BH weekend with me, DH and DD (4 months). SIL and DP are staying elsewhere at an Airbnb. All of them live 3+ hours drive away.

Today we planned to go out altogether as a family. Because we have a little one, we try to be a bit more organised and so the day was (roughly) supposed to go like this:

• leave house between 11-11.30 to meet SIL at tourist spot
• have a walk around and do all the sights
• lunch booked by DH at 2.15. General plan to split 3 ways by couple
• back home late afternoon, SIL and DP staying out for BH drinks

I got up around 8.30 with DD as usual and got us both ready as I know it takes ages. DH went in to check on PILs at 10.30 - still snoring. Same again at 11. At that point he woke them up to check on plans and they said they would rather stay in bed and see us at lunch. Bit annoying but fair enough. We left and had a nice time with SIL and her DP.

DH called them several times to check they were up and still coming. No answer.

Our booking time arrives and DH gets a call - they're on their way. Better late than never. Everyone orders lunch and it's big portions. MIL eats little and is full up. Turns out she ate "breakfast" at ours about an hour beforehand. Ok then.

Everyone else finishes and we ask for the bill. FIL disappears to check on the car. MIL stands up and says "Hope it's OK, we're going to head out now to make the most of the sunshine and your dad wants to see XYZ. Bye then!". No exaggeration at all. And this was just as the waitress turned up to ask how we were splitting it.

DH ended up just paying the lot as we were all caught off guard. No thank yous, no apologies. No goodbyes even from FIL as he was at the car and didn't come back.

We came home with DD and are now waiting for them to come back.

AIBU to be absolutely flummoxed/furious? Is this peak CF'ery? How does one stop people in their tracks in the middle of something like this next time? Have no idea what to say to them when they get back and I'm not very good at hiding my emotions on my face.

Any ideas from MN?

Ask for bank details for their share and stand over them with your phone and smile when you ask how their sightseeing went. CMFers!!

If this were my mum and step dad I would know 💯 they had had a row. 😂The not coming down and pretending to be having a lie in would be an angry whispering row and the dad going to the car would be mum following him and then them having another mini row and just leaving! Could it be anything similar?( that is not to say it’s not cheeky!)

Oh yes, definitely nix the ‘kind’ offer to house-sit. I wouldn’t trust a CF in my home.

Have to agree. The more OP posts the more rigid and overbearing she comes across.

She made the plans and was clearly put out that others didn't just follow along.

Also seems pretty bent about the cost of the lunch. Maybe OP is skint. It's hard to say. There's a lot of talk about free this and that almost like a tit for tat expectations. Nobody seemed to be upset except for OP.

It was the inlaws holiday too.

I do see many children these days as not seeing their parents/inlaws as quite human with their own wants, problems, flaws and zero compassion for them.

So in the range of issues to be upset about, I rate it about a 1 out of 10.

It’s incredible, isn’t it? We’ve just come back from my in-laws. We also take loads of booze down and then FIL sneaks it back into the car lol. I demanded they open 2 of the bottles I brought for the weekend, so that it wasn’t coming back! We always fight to pay the bills if we are going out. My parents are the same.

You're entitled to your opinion of me @someoneisalwaysintheloo so that's fine.

The facts are though that the plan was a joint plan; yes, I suggested where to go but would never confirm anything unless all in agreement. General timings were just put in because how can you not with a baby? Would you genuinely have no problem if you jointly organised a day together and then your guests didn't come to the first bit/left without saying bye?

The money aspect was just the icing on the cake.
MIL apologised and did offer to pay her share later that day, so she agrees with me I think?

I was further annoyed that her and DH had a chat because he was upset by their actions, she apologised and said she missed him/felt she was missing out on DGD, which is sad and fair enough, but then in the next breath asked to come and house-sit for us when we were away. I just think that's so bizarre. Would you be happy with this too?

Hmm, was this response written by a CF? I didn’t see anything like this at all.

1. It sounded to me like plans were made and agreed to with everyone having input.
2. They were aware of the timetable, but chose to sleep in anyway.
3. They supposedly came to see the baby, yet spent virtually no time with the baby.
4. They were aware of the lunch plans, yet MIL cooked and ate breakfast one hour before then.
5. MIL ordered a full meal and didn’t eat it because she was still full from breakfast. She could just have easily ordered an appetizer.
6. They ran off just as the check was coming.
7. They are aware that OP is bringing home less money while on maternity leave, yet they made no offer to pay their share, nor did they thank OP or DH for paying.

I would not have been thrilled if I had house guests that behaved like this. I certainly would not allow them to house sit for me. I would ask them to stay elsewhere if they wanted to visit again as they have no idea what manners are.

Thanks @SaponificationQueen

They do sound like CFs but reading between the lines, why would they sleep in so late? Was it an extremely late night the night before? If so, then it's not unreasonable for pre lunch plans to go out the window. Perhaps could MIL be upset that you have moved away and while time is precious with you all she is finding it hard. It is odd that the FIL left the meal at the end abruptly.

They could be just complete CFs, but could it be possible they just have other things going on. Perhaps they resent you for (in their eyes) making their DS move away to be near to your family and not them?

You would think they'd embrace the time they have with you all, but maybe its just too hard? Or maybe they are just happy with the way it is, they dont see you often if you are not local and so they may have found it harder to form a bond and carry some resentment? Either way, if I were you, I'd try not to let it ruin your friendship, move on from it and just be prepared that next time it likely wont go to plan.

Normally you have people coming on here saying a 6am start isn't really that early so I'm surprised that no one has said similar!

YANBU at all. I don't know why people are having trouble with the idea of having loose plans - I think they just want to be contrary.

Anyway, I'd just arrange to do your own thing and don't count on them for anything.

We took my mum and MIL away with us for a weeks holiday in Airbnb.
My mum offered help with our 5 and 6 yr old, babysit so we could go out for a drink, always helped with dinner or w/up, making picnics etc.
My MIL did a lot of reading, doing her solitary hobbies cross stitch, jigsaw, reading paper, crossword etc Never offered to help with ANYTHING all week. Did exactly the same on family day out, leaving us to struggle with 2 toddlers ,pushchair, bic picnic box. She legged it as soon as we got there. At 4pm she appeared. Offered her food we'd made for her and carried round all day to hear " she'd had a lovely lunch in the cafe's". I told my husband that was the first and only time she mooched a free weeks holiday off us. CF does exist !

They sound extremely selfish. But my husband and I would never take money for a meal from either of our parents, I mean they aid for us for 18 years.

Yours did, and you can afford it. Not everyone had or has great parents, or enough money to treat them even if they did.

My very elderly father drove 2 hours with my sister for BH weekend. Said father took 6 of us out for Sunday lunch as a thank you.

This.

They certainly wouldn't be invited again any time soon, not to mind house sitting.
🙄.

Goodness knows what you would come back to.

Set in their ways translates into cheeky fuckers who are never challenged....
Are you really going to allow them access to your home without you in it?
Bonkers op.

This is the explanation that makes the most sense

I notice that she is throwing the house sitting around as though she’s wanting to do you guys a favour. This would involve some kind of transactionary response afterwards from @Mumbleer. She is deflecting from the major fuckup and self-absorbed behaviour while treating OP’s home as a weekend getaway.

I would have a concise, two-word answer.

The second word would be "off".

That's super twatty. I'd leave the organising to DH when it's his family though, and ensure you leg it first at lunch next time!

You can't change (or even really understand) other families. They're a law unto themselves formed over decades or even generations. Plus your DH should be the one sorting things as it's his flipping family.

I refuse to do the emotional/practical labour of IL meet ups - I'm happy to come along but I'm not going to be the one planning and keeping everyone happy.

This is where the Aussie “Yeah…. nah!” Really comes out to play. “Yeah, I hear what you’re saying. Nah, I reject it in it’s entirety”
Nah to ever coming to visit again.

@Fabulousdahlink Have we got the same MIL? 😂

@Fraaahnces That was my thought. She's the cheekiest CF I've ever known! DH was talking to her seriously about how she'd upset him and how he just wanted her to spend time with us and DGD, meanwhile she's planning her next free getaway! With us all gone as an added bonus.

@Emotionalsupportviper 😂😂😂😂

@AuntieJune yes I'm staying out of it. I've told DH I'm not helping to organise anything anymore, and any future visits are up to him to sort. SIL's partner expressed surprise at a couple of things during the visit (he doesn't know them well) and DH/SIL just said "that's mum" - they're so used to her CF'ery.

We must have the same in laws - except mine are now deceased. I used to think they'd visit to see their grandchildren but I think they just preferred our beds. They would drive about 100 miles to see us, have a drink and then go to bed for a couple of hours to recover!

They are just plain rude. And I suspect that MILs comments about missing and wanting more time with GD is straight manipulation/gaslighting to get a away from the subject of her bad behaviour. TBH I recognise it because just about all that you describe is exactly what we put up with (or don't) from our DIL!

@Madamum18 totally.

Learnt today that MIL told DH that she felt she couldn't step in with DGD because of me breastfeeding/needing to soothe DD. So it's my fault! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Would have loved the opportunity to hand over DD but her DGM was either asleep or sightseeing without us 😶