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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this peak CF'ery or should I let it go?

209 replies

Mumbleer · 07/05/2023 17:15

In-laws are staying the BH weekend with me, DH and DD (4 months). SIL and DP are staying elsewhere at an Airbnb. All of them live 3+ hours drive away.

Today we planned to go out altogether as a family. Because we have a little one, we try to be a bit more organised and so the day was (roughly) supposed to go like this:

  • leave house between 11-11.30 to meet SIL at tourist spot
  • have a walk around and do all the sights
  • lunch booked by DH at 2.15. General plan to split 3 ways by couple
  • back home late afternoon, SIL and DP staying out for BH drinks

I got up around 8.30 with DD as usual and got us both ready as I know it takes ages. DH went in to check on PILs at 10.30 - still snoring. Same again at 11. At that point he woke them up to check on plans and they said they would rather stay in bed and see us at lunch. Bit annoying but fair enough. We left and had a nice time with SIL and her DP.

DH called them several times to check they were up and still coming. No answer.

Our booking time arrives and DH gets a call - they're on their way. Better late than never. Everyone orders lunch and it's big portions. MIL eats little and is full up. Turns out she ate "breakfast" at ours about an hour beforehand. Ok then.

Everyone else finishes and we ask for the bill. FIL disappears to check on the car. MIL stands up and says "Hope it's OK, we're going to head out now to make the most of the sunshine and your dad wants to see XYZ. Bye then!". No exaggeration at all. And this was just as the waitress turned up to ask how we were splitting it.

DH ended up just paying the lot as we were all caught off guard. No thank yous, no apologies. No goodbyes even from FIL as he was at the car and didn't come back.

We came home with DD and are now waiting for them to come back.

AIBU to be absolutely flummoxed/furious? Is this peak CF'ery? How does one stop people in their tracks in the middle of something like this next time? Have no idea what to say to them when they get back and I'm not very good at hiding my emotions on my face.

Any ideas from MN?

OP posts:
Mumbleer · 07/05/2023 21:48

@OliveWah oh god! Some people just can't take a day off

OP posts:
Bobshhh · 07/05/2023 21:57

I’d ask if you were my sister in law but as we didn’t meet up today and I’d always pay I know you can’t be!

my PIL once left our house as I put dinner in the oven (for the four of us to eat together). they suddenly stood up as said well we better be going, need to be back at the hotel before dark (it was 6pm in the summer). Absolutely bonkers. On the plus side I ate lasagne for days

Mumbleer · 07/05/2023 22:04

@Bobshhh haha 😂 I could totally see my PIL doing this. Love lasagna though so a win for you on that one! Weirdos

OP posts:
Shitsandwiches · 07/05/2023 22:10

Feel for you op, you've been completely walked all over by them when they should be taking care of you. My exIL's used to be very similar except they lived 7 hours away so would move in for a week or 2 when visiting and it would be hell. I would need to lie down in a dark room with a cold flannel on my head for 2 days after they left.

someoneisalwaysintheloo · 07/05/2023 22:10

Did you ask them what they wanted to do before they came?

I'm not a fan of someone else planning the weekend with no input.

As for the sleeping late, the only thing I can think of is having insomnia and not sleeping well.

Could you MIL have an anxiety disorder and is uncomfortable with outings?

I can recall being somewhat avoidant when I was deeply depressed and combined with OCD, GAD, ADHD and underdiagnosed and not in therapy or on medication.

Mumbleer · 07/05/2023 22:16

@someoneisalwaysintheloo no we didn't ask them, but apart from the lunch (everyone's got to eat, right?) they clearly did want to do the activities, just not with us.

Both said they slept like babies.

They're could be more going on of course, but they haven't been open about it and we haven't asked. Willing to give some slack if there are other factors at play.

OP posts:
Change2banon · 07/05/2023 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mumbleer · 07/05/2023 22:19

@Change2banon do you mean my OP? I haven't posted about this before.

OP posts:
Truestorypeeps · 07/05/2023 22:23

Womenswear · 07/05/2023 21:31

Where is your husband? They’re his parents. He needs to sort them out.

I doubt there's much sorting out that can be done to be honest. Have to take them how they come 😆

Change2banon · 07/05/2023 22:31

Mumbleer · 07/05/2023 22:19

@Change2banon do you mean my OP? I haven't posted about this before.

I don’t know who the poster was, but your post now is identical, or almost identical to the one I saw a few months ago.

whynotwhatknot · 07/05/2023 22:58

Just stop inviting them to stay for starters

Moonshine5 · 07/05/2023 22:59

I'm in a family where people fight over who pays but generally in the real world - not Mumsnet multiverse - most people I know are a)happy to pay for their parents (if they can afford to and b) wouldn't dream of hiding / not offering food they had bought in. Just sayin'

shammalammadingdong · 07/05/2023 23:05

Moonshine5 · 07/05/2023 22:59

I'm in a family where people fight over who pays but generally in the real world - not Mumsnet multiverse - most people I know are a)happy to pay for their parents (if they can afford to and b) wouldn't dream of hiding / not offering food they had bought in. Just sayin'

Very few people would be happy to pay for their inlaws who couldn't be arsed to get out of bed to spend time with them as pre-arranged, as well as their other inlaws, when they are on maternity leave and have little money.

2bazookas · 07/05/2023 23:06

I'm afraid they'd return to find no dinner service tonight.

Moonshine5 · 07/05/2023 23:12

@shammalammadingdong I did add the caveat if they can afford it. People are allowed to lay in. - it's hardly the crime of the century.

shammalammadingdong · 07/05/2023 23:15

Moonshine5 · 07/05/2023 23:12

@shammalammadingdong I did add the caveat if they can afford it. People are allowed to lay in. - it's hardly the crime of the century.

It's pretty bloody rude. If you've made plans with people, and then at the last minute tell them you're staying in bed, and will see them later, only to turn up to lunch having already eaten and then run off without even offering to pay!

Honestly, if you don't think they are completely out of order, I can only assume you too have no idea how to behave in a civilised manner.

rowanoak · 07/05/2023 23:51

Since your husband isn't willing to stand up to his own parents, and you want to stay married to him, there's really nothing you can do but come here and vent.

FTR my husband and I are night owls and we love to sleep in on vacation. It's not unusual for us to do so until 11 am or noon. Then we meander off for brunch somewhere. That's our idea of a perfect day on vacation and we try not to make stressful schedules or plans in advance with a bunch of people because we view our precious vacation days off of work as time to relax and NOT stress.

BUT we get our own hotel room. Sometimes in the past my sister has "offered"/insisted that we stay at her house because she said it would make it easier to stay up late watching a movie and then wake up and help each other with the kids and eat breakfast together and get ready for whatever we were going to be doing together, etc.

It sounded nice in theory but it always ended up being that she wanted to control our time and schedule when we were staying at her house and she would become resentful or judgmental if we didn't want to spend the whole day with her doing everything she wanted to do. While we were happy to be seeing her and visiting her as part of our trip, we also like to do our own thing and make our own decisions rather than be held hostage by others' plans for us. So, we didn't expect her to host but she was insisting but with unspoken expectations and conditions, it turned out, so, we stopped doing that. We also didn't even like being in my small boring hometown with nothing to do but visit my problematic family of origin during our precious vacation time off of work (and I went no contact with abusive parents and no longer wanted to return to my hometown at all due to all the traumatic memories associated with it), so we started doing mutual vacations with my sister and her family, and making it clear that we'd schedule some time to meet up with them and do things together when possible but that we didn't want some super strict schedule of hers to adhere to the whole time, and that we were going to do what worked best for our family and that she should do the same. We only had one of those vacations and it worked pretty well for us compared to the prior horrible trips, but I don't think she enjoyed it nearly as much because it hasn't happened again and probably won't.

Anyway, we also don't expect family to pay for us if we go out together. So, it's not exactly the same situation but I can relate to your parents wanting to do their own thing on their own vacation and I don't think they should have to be up at a certain time or do what you're wanting to do. At the same time, if they have agreed to do it in advance then of course they should turn up, and it's rude to be late, and they definitely shouldn't expect you to pay for it!

However, your husband paid for it. That's on him. He did not HAVE to pay for their food. This is an ongoing pattern where he's too afraid to stand up to them and so are you, so, I don't see any solution in sight. You are just going to have to keep putting up with this, which I personally wouldn't do.

Part of why I changed staying at my sister's is because it was no fun for my husband and she always gave him such a hard time ridiculing him for not wanting to do things she wanted or for wanting to sleep in, etc. It's his vacation too and he only got 2 weeks off a year at the time so I wasn't going to make him spend any more of his precious vacation time on another week like that one we'd had to spend... more than once.

So, I wised up and told my family our boundaries and that we were going to be doing things our way, and it meant pissing them off and not seeing them nearly as much (and eventually in part led to me having to cut off my parents completely for not being able to respect our boundaries, and having a limited contact/strained relationship with my siblings... but how great was it originally if me putting up my own boundaries could ruin it?), but it meant that I was doing what was best for myself and my husband and our kids, and so it felt great.

If his parents did this and he didn't speak up for us and refuse to keep paying their way then we would be headed to divorce court. Your husband is supposed to be a man now, putting his own family and wife first. Not still stuck to his parents out of fear and cowardice. How can you even find that attractive? Shine your spine since he's obviously not shining his, and put your food down and say NO MORE FREE MEALS FOR THE IN-LAWS ON YOUR DIME! No more fret and worry about whether they'll show up or what they're going to do etc. Just do your own thing and if they want to join you, they will, on their own dime. If not, it's not even worth having them stay at your house, which I believe should be your sanctuary. Good luck.

Kisskiss · 07/05/2023 23:54

It te ds to be both ways, sometimes parents pay, sometimes their grown children pay.. this situation sounds one sided and weird

rowanoak · 08/05/2023 00:03

Mumbleer · 07/05/2023 22:16

@someoneisalwaysintheloo no we didn't ask them, but apart from the lunch (everyone's got to eat, right?) they clearly did want to do the activities, just not with us.

Both said they slept like babies.

They're could be more going on of course, but they haven't been open about it and we haven't asked. Willing to give some slack if there are other factors at play.

That would bother me. You shouldn't assume that your visitors will want to spend their whole trip doing everything you want them to do! It's common courtesy to ask them what they'd like to do and try to compromise, or to invite them along to what you're doing with no expectations or conditions of them coming along.

I'm really not sure why you thought they'd want to tag along with you the whole time. Some people are private and enjoy their one on one time together. I've stayed with close friends I love to death sometimes (back when we had less money for hotels and such, and less kids, lol), but still go out to dinner one on one with my husband or stay in watching our favorite movie and then sleeping in the next day, etc., because we like that time to decompress and do our own thing and my friends have never held it against us. They just offer their house and ask what we want to do to, or may suggest some things or invite us to plans they're doing, and see if we want to do it or not, but they don't just expect us to tag along with them on things they've planned and get mad and resentful at us if we don't!

Likewise when they stay with us we do the same. We're all just chilled laid back people who are happy to spend any time together but who don't plan out a schedule of things for others to do without checking with them! My sister/family of origin are the ones who do that make a whole bunch of plans and expect us to do it with them or else get mad and resentful at us and it's entitled and demanding and annoying, and so we don't stay with them anymore and we barely see them at all because they have to have that attitude the whole time. I feel like that's too enmeshed, IMO. No one has to do everything with people not in their immediate family unit all the time just because they're visiting them on vacation or staying with them.

And heck, even in the immediate family, not everyone has to do the same thing the whole time on vacation. When traveling I like to go find a Zumba class and my husband likes to go rollerblading. Or if we have our kids with us, he might take one to the arcade while I take another to a museum, depending on their tastes, and we don't expect everyone to follow the same schedule or even plan a strict itinerary in advance. We just calendar a few things we want to make sure to hit... like one thing a day or less that we have to buy tickets for in advance or want to make sure to plan so we don't miss... and even that gets kind of stressful, and otherwise we're like "Hmm, what should do today on this lovely day of vacation? You want to do this, he wants to do that, let's divide it up, or let's pick one thing to do altogether, etc." Some people are laid back like that and not everyone wants to stick to a strict schedule at all during their vacations... especially not someone else's strict schedule they made for them without even asking them...

rowanoak · 08/05/2023 00:04

Sorry, did not mean to cross out a line in my comment. Not sure how that happened. Was just supposed to be dashes. lol

Isthisreasonable · 08/05/2023 00:45

@rowanoak curious as to why you stay with your friends- is it just the free accommodation? Wouldn't it be better to stay elsewhere and meet up for a couple of hours if there is something you want to do with them?

Saddaughterinlawagain · 08/05/2023 00:52

I can see I'm in the vast minority, but if I ever go to dinner with my parents or PILs I offer to pay, especially if another sibling there. We would split it and not expect our parents to pay. I kind of see it as payback for them bringing us up. I would be upset about them not coming to the activity and not wanting to spend time together. The way they left the meal was rude too.

Mumbleer · 08/05/2023 02:29

@rowanoak I get your post, I do. But not sure we were forcing them to stick to a strict schedule at all? They agreed in advance to the general plan - I thought of it as, in their words, they wanted to do something to include DD, whilst seeing XYZ in the city. It's my home town so I know the best places to go.

So not only did they ultimately choose sleeping in over spending time with their DGD, they then rushed through lunch, didn't pay their fair share or even stay long enough to say thanks/goodbye, and went off to do the EXACT same activity we had just come from.

Anyway, DH spoke to MIL who apologised for everything today. She didn't know why they didn't get up and come with us, but she misses having him around and is sad to not be more involved in DGD's life as they live so far away....well she could start cheering herself up by sticking to plans to spend time together! 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Mumbleer · 08/05/2023 02:47

Oh and to top it all off, after apologising she then asked if they could house sit for us at the end of June - we're going away for two nights. WTF? Just be honest and say you want a free weekend away. Clearly it doesn't matter if we're there or not!

OP posts:
Deathmetal · 08/05/2023 03:12

but did she reimburse him?

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