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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this peak CF'ery or should I let it go?

209 replies

Mumbleer · 07/05/2023 17:15

In-laws are staying the BH weekend with me, DH and DD (4 months). SIL and DP are staying elsewhere at an Airbnb. All of them live 3+ hours drive away.

Today we planned to go out altogether as a family. Because we have a little one, we try to be a bit more organised and so the day was (roughly) supposed to go like this:

  • leave house between 11-11.30 to meet SIL at tourist spot
  • have a walk around and do all the sights
  • lunch booked by DH at 2.15. General plan to split 3 ways by couple
  • back home late afternoon, SIL and DP staying out for BH drinks

I got up around 8.30 with DD as usual and got us both ready as I know it takes ages. DH went in to check on PILs at 10.30 - still snoring. Same again at 11. At that point he woke them up to check on plans and they said they would rather stay in bed and see us at lunch. Bit annoying but fair enough. We left and had a nice time with SIL and her DP.

DH called them several times to check they were up and still coming. No answer.

Our booking time arrives and DH gets a call - they're on their way. Better late than never. Everyone orders lunch and it's big portions. MIL eats little and is full up. Turns out she ate "breakfast" at ours about an hour beforehand. Ok then.

Everyone else finishes and we ask for the bill. FIL disappears to check on the car. MIL stands up and says "Hope it's OK, we're going to head out now to make the most of the sunshine and your dad wants to see XYZ. Bye then!". No exaggeration at all. And this was just as the waitress turned up to ask how we were splitting it.

DH ended up just paying the lot as we were all caught off guard. No thank yous, no apologies. No goodbyes even from FIL as he was at the car and didn't come back.

We came home with DD and are now waiting for them to come back.

AIBU to be absolutely flummoxed/furious? Is this peak CF'ery? How does one stop people in their tracks in the middle of something like this next time? Have no idea what to say to them when they get back and I'm not very good at hiding my emotions on my face.

Any ideas from MN?

OP posts:
dapsnotplimsolls · 07/05/2023 18:09

'Check on the car'? What needed checking - it was still there? It needed feeding/burping/nappy changed?! Definitely only provide a 'picky tea'.

Original poster
Mumbleer · 07/05/2023 18:10

@Putyourdamnshoeson I used to stay in bed that late (pre-baby) on a bank holiday weekend - in my own house. Would never do it at anyone else's.

Everyone agreed to the timetable. Was set up so baby could join in. They don't seem fussed about her at all so no issues there (not baby people, which I know not everyone is).

They must be short of money. But manners cost nothing so they can swivel.

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 07/05/2023 18:11

If they done this before you need to talk to dh and tell him to make it clear hes not paying out

i woldnt lounge about in bed at someones house till 11 then make food knowing i was then meeting for a lunch and then not pay

my sil used to do this just wander of whenever the bll turned up fil always ended up paying her share

Swishhh · 07/05/2023 18:12

Just send two texts saying they need to send X amount to the following bank account for their share of lunch.

PaminaMozart · 07/05/2023 18:13

Eggseggseverywhere · 07/05/2023 17:58

If mil says she is hungry tell her to ring the restaurant and ask if they still have her leftovers... Point out how much money - your money - was wasted paying for that. What a cow.

I would have a point of asking for a doggy box for MIL's lunch and serve it to her for dinner...

Whichnumbers · 07/05/2023 18:15

I agree on noble for supper as everyone is full after lunch. Keep your nice food for when they've gone.

Id also just say to MIL that it was disappointing that dh was left to pick up the bill, with you on maternity its leaving your shorter than normal. Next time you'll make a picnic or get everyone to bring a dish and eat at home.

Verbena17 · 07/05/2023 18:18

If there is a next time, I’d be suggesting they stay in alternative accommodation with SIL.
Then, don’t go out anywhere for lunch. Just make cheese and pickle sandwiches.

diddl · 07/05/2023 18:19

But just to be petty I'm not cooking the food I bought,

That's not petty at all.

Loads of people only have one main/cooked meal a day.

It's just going to be husband & I tomorrow & we'll probably just have omelette/ beans on toast as our main meal & something light in the evening.

KatP75 · 07/05/2023 18:21

All CFs. Lesson learned. Never go out for food with them again or, if you must, do what we do with CFs with a track record, who have pulled a fast one on us in the past: at the start of the meal, ask the waiter to create two separate tabs (if two couples). It’s amazing how they don’t fancy a starter or dessert next time when they know they’ll be footing their bill.

FictionalCharacter · 07/05/2023 18:32

I’m constantly amazed that there are people who treat their son and DIL like this.

shammalammadingdong · 07/05/2023 18:35

Candleabra · 07/05/2023 17:18

When you say general plan to split the bill 3 ways, had your PIL agreed to this?
(Not that it’s ok they just left!)

Do you need a discussion and prior agreement to pay for your own food when you eat out?

Cos that's not normal.

Guineasrule · 07/05/2023 18:38

Just snacks for dinner as you are all full sounds reasonable. Be stingy with the booze as well in case you are planning on entertaining them this pm.

Lesson learned-no more eating out with them.

tothelefttotheleft · 07/05/2023 18:40

Swishhh · 07/05/2023 18:12

Just send two texts saying they need to send X amount to the following bank account for their share of lunch.

This

mrsbyers · 07/05/2023 18:40

Any plans for tomorrow ? I’d be making sure I at least got a lunch out at their expense and ordering an extra cocktail or similar

Climbles · 07/05/2023 18:40

What people short of money do -
your dh ‘this is the plan for the weekend’
PIL - ‘we are really short at the moment so we will skip out on lunch but join you for the other plans’
They’re not lacking in money they are just lacking in manners

aloris · 07/05/2023 18:41

Wait, BOTH your SIL AND your PIL expected you to pay for their lunches?

Wow, that is some brass neck.

What does "BH" mean?

SensitiveB · 07/05/2023 18:43

I get that it’s frustrating but I would take a slightly difference stance that meals would be on us (something simple at home if too expensive out) as they’ve made a good effort coming all that way. As well as paying for accommodation in your SIl’s case.
How do things work when you travel to them instead?

Original poster
Mumbleer · 07/05/2023 18:43

@aloris bank holiday!

And yes it is!

OP posts:
Jellifulfruit · 07/05/2023 18:45

Ouch. No wonder you’re fuming. I’m petty and would wanna make it known that it shouldn’t happen again. Or I’d be awkward and mention it in the family group chat if there was one

starfishmummy · 07/05/2023 18:45

Mumbleer · 07/05/2023 17:54

I'm going to leave it with DH.

But just to be petty I'm not cooking the food I bought, will save that for when they've gone home. They can have nibbles because we all had a big lunch. If MIL is hungry because she wasted hers, that's her problem.

Good. Although as they had helped themselves to breakfast can you hide the evening meal stuff in case they decide to help themselves later? Could you bag it up and leave it with a neighbour?

Lydia777 · 07/05/2023 18:45

I am from a different culture and in mine, 'pay for your own' doesn't happen in families, just with friends - whoever invites, pays. Just in case they are from a different culture?

Mimilamore · 07/05/2023 18:47

This is why I like to go with just nuclear family on the whole... I can't be doing with trying to please all the people all the time... especially when they can't be pleased and are entitled, go away!

GeorgeGerald · 07/05/2023 18:48

We've got family members like this - we don't go out for meals with them anymore. Our swan song was going going out for a meal with them (we did not organise it), but making an excuse to leave just before the bill came - we left cash to cover our share + tip. The dirty looks! That confirmed it. Well over a decade ago now. Sadly, it is a reflection of their characters in general...

When I go out with colleagues one of us puts the bill on our credit card and them emails out everyone's share a day or so later with bank a/c details. Works really well (we pay for what we actually have + tip rather than straight splitting which every one prefers). I would do that.

ChrisPPancake · 07/05/2023 18:52

Give them an invoice for B&B (including the cost of today's lunch) before they leave.

Original poster
Mumbleer · 07/05/2023 18:52

@SensitiveB we've travelled to them once with DD, for a week, and we didn't go out together at all. DH and I used to live around the corner so did put own thing mostly.

Last time they were here, DD was weeks old so we stayed in and arranged to cook a nice meal for everyone but MIL went out shopping and turned up 3 hours late for lunch (pre-arranged time). She should have been banned after that but we thought we would arrange to go out and do something nice that she would want to do this time with the baby. More fool us!

OP posts: