How does DH survive at work?

[Putyourdamnshoeson]

He's a senior manager in a large, multi national firm. He's well respected. How? The man is incapable of communicating in any way effectively.

Today, he asks if I'll come with him to DIY shops later to suss out something for a project (a retrofit to make the thing he insisted on work the way it needs to, rather than spend the bit extra I wanted to to just buy the thing we needed in the first place. His way will cost more and take more effort). I said yes, but first we need lunch. I oversee 2 DCs, tweens, getting their own lunch, pick at a bit myself, go upstairs to put shoes on. Waiting for him to say he's ready. 10 minutes later, nothing, I call, nothing. Ask DS10 where his dad is, he says 'don't know, oh wait, he's in the car'.
I go to the car, there he is, he's been there for more than 5 minutes apparently. I ask why he didn't shout, he said 'oh I told DS10 to tell you' (Ds by the way has ADHD).
I ask if he has told DD13 that we are going out, that she's in charge of dog, where were going, we have phones etc, nope. Hadn't thought to.
So, I go back in, tell them, answer the usual 9 questions, etc.
Come back to car, he says 'you took your time', I, admittedly sarcastically said 'yes, I was just parenting, as someone has to'. He goes.on one about how me speaking to 'them' like that is the problem we have as a family, if I could just answer more levelly about things everyone would be happier.
Huh? Him, he means him. He has only very recently, on 90th time of asking started to pay attention to when parents evenings, birthday parties, practices etc might be, even then, it is standard that I remind him.

How on earth does he cope at work, with multi million pound projects?

Yabu: you shouldn't have expected him to tell the kids where you were going and should have responded kindly.
Yanbu: FFS, he can cope for 37 hours a week, presumably, it would be normal to communicate and lead (on a DIY project he suggested)

I'm irritated and fed up of doing all the thinking. I might get flamed, who knows.

A wife is a personal assistant who doesn't get paid!!

Tbh a lot of men rise quite high at work whilst being utterly rubbish communicators/rubbish technically. as women we tend to have to be twice as impressive to progres the same amount

He’s got you to do all of the wife work for him.

Large, multi-national firms are full over over-promoted, thick blokes.

Maybe if you try asking him to "manage" his kids rather than "parent" them, he might.

Joking. I think.

I work with plenty of idiots in very senior roles in multi million pound organisations. They get promoted by getting other people to deal with the things they consider beneath them and trampling all over other people. Much like how he acts as a husband really.

God, no. I think you're right.

I came here to say exactly this. Unfortunately this is how it is, he's likely just as shit at work as he is at work.

*as at home 🙄

My experience is that lots of people in senior positions have the gift of the gab.

Because he's got a team who all decode what's said and communicate. On projects ings happen in spite of poor communication (it's absolutely bloody amazing when I think of some the individuals I've worked with over the years).

I see people being lauded on LinkedIn and I think I must see the bits that others don't😳

Ings = things

It's because he doesn't have to carry any mental load at home that he can save it all for work.

He absolutely could manage at home but chooses not to. He probably thinks it's beneath him.

I could have written your post. We too argued this morning about the "way I speak to him" when I simply asked him how I would know what stores are open today, that he has a phone too (after having gotten three kids up and dressed while he snoozed).

Our biggest relationship issue is communication. He thinks the issue is with my 'attitude', and I think the issue lies with him assuming I'll take all the mental load on with zero sarcastic remarks or resentment.

At times I'm almost ready to pull the plug. Honestly, the only thing that saves our marriage really is the realisation that most men are like this, but probably also worse in other ways (my husband is caring and pulls his weight in other ways).

I feel you. I've regularly asked my husband how he copes at work when the simplest of things at home seem impossible...

Why would be bother at home when he has a wife/PA to do it for him? MN is full of women complaining about the exact same thing. Men are getting away with murder!!!

My ex was a high flying director in a(multi) billion pound corporation. He’s excellent at managing a workforce but in his private life he can’t manage his way of a paper bag! Hence why he’s ex.

100%

Promoted up and out of someone else's hair. Standard.

Yes. This. Exactly this.

And I have raised it and raised it and raised it. It is not enough to throw away 21 years together over, but god it grinds my gears

ADHD is hereditary, many people hold it together for work but don’t have the capacity to do it at home as well 🤷‍♀️

I have adhd

He’s probably inept at work and carried by them there as well. I have known a lot of men like this in senior roles who are thick, lazy and useless. Also, he believes he is something special because of his job but you and the kids aren’t worth putting any effort in for.

i don’t disagree, but I have to say since you were overseeing the kids lunch and in the room with them, I’d assume you had told them.

I wouldn’t be arsey if you hadn’t mind you!

I think there’s your answer. At work he has superiors and people to answer to if he doesn’t pull his weight and manage his projects effectively. These people won’t give a shit how long he’s been in the job if he isn’t doing it properly and would fire him. You, on the other hand, will whinge and complain but ultimately you will do nothing about it.