How does DH survive at work?

[Putyourdamnshoeson]

He's a senior manager in a large, multi national firm. He's well respected. How? The man is incapable of communicating in any way effectively.

Today, he asks if I'll come with him to DIY shops later to suss out something for a project (a retrofit to make the thing he insisted on work the way it needs to, rather than spend the bit extra I wanted to to just buy the thing we needed in the first place. His way will cost more and take more effort). I said yes, but first we need lunch. I oversee 2 DCs, tweens, getting their own lunch, pick at a bit myself, go upstairs to put shoes on. Waiting for him to say he's ready. 10 minutes later, nothing, I call, nothing. Ask DS10 where his dad is, he says 'don't know, oh wait, he's in the car'.
I go to the car, there he is, he's been there for more than 5 minutes apparently. I ask why he didn't shout, he said 'oh I told DS10 to tell you' (Ds by the way has ADHD).
I ask if he has told DD13 that we are going out, that she's in charge of dog, where were going, we have phones etc, nope. Hadn't thought to.
So, I go back in, tell them, answer the usual 9 questions, etc.
Come back to car, he says 'you took your time', I, admittedly sarcastically said 'yes, I was just parenting, as someone has to'. He goes.on one about how me speaking to 'them' like that is the problem we have as a family, if I could just answer more levelly about things everyone would be happier.
Huh? Him, he means him. He has only very recently, on 90th time of asking started to pay attention to when parents evenings, birthday parties, practices etc might be, even then, it is standard that I remind him.

How on earth does he cope at work, with multi million pound projects?

Yabu: you shouldn't have expected him to tell the kids where you were going and should have responded kindly.
Yanbu: FFS, he can cope for 37 hours a week, presumably, it would be normal to communicate and lead (on a DIY project he suggested)

I'm irritated and fed up of doing all the thinking. I might get flamed, who knows.

He isn't useless at work. I don't think he has been overpromoted, I think he is good at his job

who tells you that though? Him?

I agree with you. Though the opposite can be true too, I saw that behaviour modelled growing up and always knew that I wanted differently when I was older so I set my bar high and refused to accept anything less.

My husband is nothing like my father, thankfully.

I work full time

I don't think it's ok. We disagree, a lot and talk about it in front of the children.

I may have missed the point but I don't understand all the faffing with the kids!? Surely you just shout "me and dad are off to B&Q now, take the dog out at 10, don't forget poo bags, see you later!" and both jump in car and go?

My DH is exactly like this. He copes for 60 hours a week at work. Everything else is my problem. Anything requiring energy or brainpower outside of work is a massive stress for him apparently.

But what did he do wrong? I just doesn't seem a big deal.
He's doing the DIY project, what does it matter to you how he does it as long as it gets done?
He was ready to go but you made lunch. Why didn't you tell him when you were ready? Why does he have to tell you when you were delaying you both leaving.
He told your son to tell you he was in the car. Your son remembered he was in the car but didn't tell you. Your son needs to learn to pass on messages.
He didnt tell your daughter. But she's 13. Do you have to go into details of where you're going, taking the phone, being in charge of the dog. Couldn't she figure all that out at 13? Why would she ask 9 questions? Why do you even let that happen all the time. Just, your dad and I are going out and we'll be back in an hour.
Admittedly, I don't know what he meant about speaking levelly. But you obviously did.
I don't think there's any comparison between how we communicate at work with others who have designated jobs that they carry out responsibly and how we speak casually with our family.

I work full time

And you’re still the default parent! That’s awful.

Has it always been like this or is it a new behaviour?

Then I think you've done exceptionally well @SouthLondonMum22
I think most women use their own parents as role models in choosing a husband, as it's all they've ever known, and there's comfort in familiarity.
So it was brave/clever of you to spot that yours wasn't right.
I've bagged a gem now but it took me till 50 yrs old - my parents had a shit relationship, so I had one first time round too.
I am so so glad I have shown my children that that wasn't right.

This sounds like too much drama on your part.

You agree to go, but say you have to oversee the DC making and eating their own lunch. Then you’re done and you can’t even walk around your home to find your husband, you sit like a lump waiting probably on your phone as you try to dial his number, when you know he is waiting for you as you’re the one who asked him to wait until lunch was done.

While you were faffing about supervising lunch, it didn’t occur to you to say “oh btw, me and dad are going to diy shop in a bit” to the DC and yet you expected him to what, come in an especially tell them? He knew you were going to be with the DC doing lunch right before going, so I think it’s only natural for him to think you will tell them.

Then you make a big to do of getting out the car to tell the DC and you’re saying he should have told them! You were just with them for all of lunch!

The issue isn’t the DIY project.

Its the fact they have kids who need to get ready and lunches needing sorting out and instead of doing any of it he expected OP to do it and just took care of himself and then waited in the car until she had done everything else.

Get ready for what? And she said the DC got their own lunches. So all she did was hover about “supervising” and picking at a bit of food , oh and forgetting to tell them she’s about to go out with dad to Homebase or whereever.

Me neither.

I think you should claim the same, cant do xyz at home because you're all used up from work!
(I know, I know that just results in a stand off😶)

Thanks.

I do agree that it's probably true in most cases, I also think it's easy for women to fall into it too due to society's generally low expectations of men and the fact that during maternity leave, they generally become the default parent and it continues even if they go back to work.

Do you know ADHD is strongly inherited?
perhaps great at his job because he’s talented in his field, but on day to day things, pretty hopeless?
We have ADHD in the family, I can tell you this is all quite familiar…

I wasn't faffing supervising lunch, I was making sure my notoriously easily distracted children didn't just eat crisps, whilst hanging out washing, general tidying that hadn't been done. He had been upstairs. I went up to get socks and shoes on and thought he was in his office. Normally he would shout 'im heading to the car' or similar so I carried on folding laundry and bits, when that was done I did walk around my house looking, couldn't find him, asked son, at which point he said 'he's in the car'. As in 21 years this has never happened, ie no jovial 'hurry up quit fannyjng' or 'right are we ready' I went to the car to check that he was ready to go, wasn't putting the seats down, checking the oil (light came on yesterday) or similar, he was, had been sat there for 5 minutes, like I said. Out of character, poor communication and fucking annoying. At that point I ducked back in and did the usual shout of 'we are going to X and y, look after the dog, don't answer the door without looking out the window' etc. DD would absolutely panic unless told, directly, where we were.

It isn't a huge deal. Of course. But it is poor communication, of which I have quite a few more examples and I'm fed up of being the default parent. Because that is it.

I was a sahm for 7 years. I've worked for the last 5, fully time for 3. He did leave everything to me when I went full time. It absolutely was not like that for the 8 years pre kids. We have had several long, emotional conversations about it. One where I made it very clear that if it didn't change, I would leave. It changed just enough. And that is exactly it.

He doesn't think of the children and their needs the way I do. Stupid shit like if it's a dress up day, he has no idea, despite the fact that he has the school app on his phone (once I realised he didn't and asked him, 3 times to download it). I don't fuss, or helicopter. They are being brought up to be as self sufficient as possible, but due to ADHD and other character quirks, they need to know what is happening. Which he knows.

I am not perfect. I don't do things perfectly. I never claimed to. But I often wonder, genuinely whether asking for basic communication is too much.

You've answered your own question. You were a SAHM and did it all. Then went back to work and kept doing it all. He simply doesn't see anything child or home related as his responsibility - just like he wouldn't worry about another department's job at work.

I think the posters who don't think this is a big deal, don't have husbands who do this day in and day out over every single thing. One example probably does sound drama llama, but when it's an absolute constant, it's a different ball game.

You're right. Except for the little detail of me bringing it up to him. Repeatedly.

He doesn't care enough, does he?

Then why make snide comments,about the DIY project if it's not about that?

Why would he get the kids ready? They weren't going anywhere. The kids made their own lunch and the op made something for herself.

And when she made lunch, didn't she mention to her children that she was actually stood with that they were going out? I'd sort of presume my partner would have. He told the son they were going out because his son knew he was waiting in the car. And he waited in the car while the op made and ate her lunch and then got ready.

I'm not saying that the ops husband did everything perfectly but then neither did the op. But surely that's true for all of us. And it could very well be that he is hard work but I just don't see anything in this particular example to get worked up over.

Word. Just this week DP has said to me, “I’m telling you this so you’ll remember for me.” “Should I put socks on the baby?” “What’s the weather like outside?”

He looked at the meal plan yesterday, which said pizza and salad on it. In the fridge were 2 pizzas and a salad drawer full of fucking salad items. He texted me to ask “pizzas in the oven and make a salad?”

I’ve started just staring at him blankly and shrugging.

I think bickering in front of the children if it is a regular thing is really not good.

He sounds deeply deeply irritating.

Your tone is because over time respect leaks away when men behave like this.

Withdrawal of anything that you do for him alone is very effective in lessening the stress.

Teach the children to do their laundry and tell him he is on his own for his.

You also working full-time and him being so lazy is just not acceptable.

Hand over dinner two nights a week and its up to him to sort.
If he wants the weekend, let him off.

Start actively thinking about if you need to do something or blow it off.

Email him jobs that are now his responsibility.

If he fxxks up, it is clear it was him.

Doing these things are cheaper than divorce!

Yes. Yes. Yes.
Once when my friend was ill, flu, in bed. Her DH walked upstairs with a boiling pan of potatoes to ask her if they were ready. Mine hasn't quite gone that low.

Anecdotally op, my exhusband was the same, I was the default for everything. Bizarrely, as an ex, he's stepped up, now he can take them shopping on his own, now he can organise their passports if he's going on holiday next; all things that absolutely were my job when we were together.
I'm not so sure it was 'doesn't care enough' for us, but more laziness, selfishness, and a why should he bother, 'my name' can do it attitude. So, actually, full circle, yes, he didn't care enough about me, to care whether his laziness affected me.