How does DH survive at work?

[Putyourdamnshoeson]

He's a senior manager in a large, multi national firm. He's well respected. How? The man is incapable of communicating in any way effectively.

Today, he asks if I'll come with him to DIY shops later to suss out something for a project (a retrofit to make the thing he insisted on work the way it needs to, rather than spend the bit extra I wanted to to just buy the thing we needed in the first place. His way will cost more and take more effort). I said yes, but first we need lunch. I oversee 2 DCs, tweens, getting their own lunch, pick at a bit myself, go upstairs to put shoes on. Waiting for him to say he's ready. 10 minutes later, nothing, I call, nothing. Ask DS10 where his dad is, he says 'don't know, oh wait, he's in the car'.
I go to the car, there he is, he's been there for more than 5 minutes apparently. I ask why he didn't shout, he said 'oh I told DS10 to tell you' (Ds by the way has ADHD).
I ask if he has told DD13 that we are going out, that she's in charge of dog, where were going, we have phones etc, nope. Hadn't thought to.
So, I go back in, tell them, answer the usual 9 questions, etc.
Come back to car, he says 'you took your time', I, admittedly sarcastically said 'yes, I was just parenting, as someone has to'. He goes.on one about how me speaking to 'them' like that is the problem we have as a family, if I could just answer more levelly about things everyone would be happier.
Huh? Him, he means him. He has only very recently, on 90th time of asking started to pay attention to when parents evenings, birthday parties, practices etc might be, even then, it is standard that I remind him.

How on earth does he cope at work, with multi million pound projects?

Yabu: you shouldn't have expected him to tell the kids where you were going and should have responded kindly.
Yanbu: FFS, he can cope for 37 hours a week, presumably, it would be normal to communicate and lead (on a DIY project he suggested)

I'm irritated and fed up of doing all the thinking. I might get flamed, who knows.

This is truely, truely horrible and clearly abuse. It is not normal, he is an utterly crappy person and man.
I hope you are out of this relationship and I imagine you would never want to date again.
I have an ex-wife who would equate it with what she went through, which was I wanted her to help me with the housework as I was working long hours and she did not have a job nor did we have kids. But were she on here, no-one would know the difference.

I think you’ve misread my intentions with my post. He used to do the bare minimum as I did everything for my son that I had prior to meeting him.

Now I’m disabled my husband does everything, I barely do anything at all. I don’t do housework apart from the odd bit of laundry, I don’t cook, I don’t clean, I don’t do the school run. When I say he doesn’t let me get out of bed in the morning I mean that in the sense that he does everything & didn’t want me to hurt myself so ‘doesn’t let me get out of bed’ meaning that I don’t have to do anything in a morning, he even brings me a brew in bed, I don’t even have to do that. He gets our son up, does breakfast for everyone, irons school uniform, makes packed lunches & does the school run before going to work.

then he comes home from work, cooks the evening meal, loads the dishwasher, tidies the kitchen, gets our son ready for bed, does the bedtime routine & puts him to bed.

since counselling several years ago he’s completely changed everything & now I’m disabled he does everything for all of us. I don’t have to do anything at all, not even ‘my share’. He’d rather do everything than me risk hurting myself

Him & his brother were ruined by their mum, she didn’t believe that men should do anything therefore he didn’t realise what actually went into running a household. His brother doesn’t do anything, his wife does absolutely everything apart from walk the dog even though they both work full time. My point in posting was that men are far more capable than we give them credit for & if we stop doing everything they will soon start to do things. As society we tend to accept that they are ‘rubbish’ when it comes to housework etc so women tend to do far more than their fair share but that’s really not the case. As soon as I actually communicated with him that I wouldn’t be doing it all, things changed. Then my situation changed again & he took over doing absolutely everything including working (I don’t work any longer)

I think it needs to be considered that Dad may also be likely to have ADHD it's highly heritable. It certainly sounds like it might be the case. Masking at work n letting guard down at home? Is he diagnosed? Is it something you have considered looking into?

I wondered this everyday when my husband worked.

I have a friend who is a sergeant in the army. She said on barracks she has known a man who is capable of taking helicopters apart couldn't work out how to use the tumble drier and forced the lint filter in the wrong way round breaking it. They act helpless in domestic situations so that women feel compelled to take over for them.
I have every sympathy for you. The mental load of running a home and organising children's lives is often very unfairly distributed and rarely acknowledged. One reason why I gave my child my surname - I knew it would be me filling in all forms and making all appointments!

Sorry, how silly of me. I got completely mixed up in my posts. I read them, meant to reply came back later and had everything topsy-turvy!

Just wanted to say I'm a senior Manager in the same sort of role as your partner and I.tend to fail at home and my husband does all the traditional wife roles.

The reason, my job takes up all my heads space that I barely have enough braincells to function the rest of the time, simple tasks and communication evade me. I'm not saying its right but just a point of view from the otherside.

We got divorced after 22 years. It was the best thing I have ever done. We now share the flat.
Because of my back he does EVERYTHING except clean. I have a cleaner. But we have this row about how I talk to him. He says i make him feel small etc. Not done on purpose. I don't even know what I said. I'm 79 and he's 75. He's only just become so helpful in the flat because of my back. He was a very good worker and boss but apparently he'd lose his temper and shout. He's awful when he shouts.