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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How does DH survive at work?

208 replies

Putyourdamnshoeson · 06/05/2023 15:09

He's a senior manager in a large, multi national firm. He's well respected. How? The man is incapable of communicating in any way effectively.

Today, he asks if I'll come with him to DIY shops later to suss out something for a project (a retrofit to make the thing he insisted on work the way it needs to, rather than spend the bit extra I wanted to to just buy the thing we needed in the first place. His way will cost more and take more effort). I said yes, but first we need lunch. I oversee 2 DCs, tweens, getting their own lunch, pick at a bit myself, go upstairs to put shoes on. Waiting for him to say he's ready. 10 minutes later, nothing, I call, nothing. Ask DS10 where his dad is, he says 'don't know, oh wait, he's in the car'.
I go to the car, there he is, he's been there for more than 5 minutes apparently. I ask why he didn't shout, he said 'oh I told DS10 to tell you' (Ds by the way has ADHD).
I ask if he has told DD13 that we are going out, that she's in charge of dog, where were going, we have phones etc, nope. Hadn't thought to.
So, I go back in, tell them, answer the usual 9 questions, etc.
Come back to car, he says 'you took your time', I, admittedly sarcastically said 'yes, I was just parenting, as someone has to'. He goes.on one about how me speaking to 'them' like that is the problem we have as a family, if I could just answer more levelly about things everyone would be happier.
Huh? Him, he means him. He has only very recently, on 90th time of asking started to pay attention to when parents evenings, birthday parties, practices etc might be, even then, it is standard that I remind him.

How on earth does he cope at work, with multi million pound projects?

Yabu: you shouldn't have expected him to tell the kids where you were going and should have responded kindly.
Yanbu: FFS, he can cope for 37 hours a week, presumably, it would be normal to communicate and lead (on a DIY project he suggested)

I'm irritated and fed up of doing all the thinking. I might get flamed, who knows.

OP posts:
Winnipeg23 · 07/05/2023 18:34

In his compartmentalised mind, you do home life and he does work life. So his 'performing' brain has been switched off? Maybe😆

diddl · 07/05/2023 18:43

Did you particularly want to go to the diy place?

He sounds very selfish.

If he had faffed about would you have been expected to wait & jump up as soon as he was ready?

bobster31 · 07/05/2023 18:47

I know this situation exactly. My DH is in a very senio, responsible role where communication and on-the-spot decision making are key elements yet it's almost as if he has a switch that goes off as soon as he sets foot in the house. He can't remember what hours I work even though they've been the same for 9 months! He can't do anything that involves taking DC to clubs/appointments without having to be reminded about where to go, what to take and what time - often getting it wrong regardless. He is incapable of making any decisions by himself at home and I find it exhausting. I have to remember and organise everything and I'm sick of it! It's like having another child! I often wonder how on earth he got to be where he is in his career.

Anycrispsleft · 07/05/2023 18:53

Putyourdamnshoeson · 07/05/2023 18:23

If I were to leave, I can't imagine that I'd be seeking another man.
There is bitterness, that is true. And I've told him as much.
Honestly, my only knowledge of couples therapy is through a friend whose situation is much worse than mine and the therapist took her partner's side. It has destroyed her and she is still there. Drudging

I had a similar experience in couples therapy. It was before we had kids and I wanted to try to get across to my husband that he had an unrealistically low expectation of how much work it would be to look after a baby - I wanted to make sure I didn't end up being the carer of last resort the whole time because "surely x/y/z thing can't be that difficult?" (When I think about it now, the fact that I knew he would tactically misunderstand like that was the best sign that we should have had a nice fun relationship and not got married or had children.) The counsellor thought I was trying to tell him I wanted to be a SAHM! Total waste of time. As it happened it ended up more equal than I expected because I had twins and you can't just manage alone. But even then. For the first three months he worked 4 days a week and took unpaid leave for the 5th day, I would do the night wakings Sunday- Wednesday and he did Thursday-Saturday. Each morning after his night shift he got a lie in whereas I got up with the kids every day. And then my mother turned round to me and said "poor DH, he has to work all Thursday and then come in and look after those kids!" As if that was harder than looking after them solo from Sunday night to Thursday evening every week with no more than an hour of guaranteed sleep between 8.30 and 9.30... I worked FT before I had my kids, so did my mother, we both knew fine it was a damn sight easier putting in a shift than looking after twins so why would she say something like that? It would make you feel as if you're going mental, there seem to be no end of people lining up to tell you what a piece of piss it is looking after small kids.

NaNaNaNaNaNaBaNaNa · 07/05/2023 18:57

Putyourdamnshoeson · 06/05/2023 18:03

Yes. Yes. Yes.
Once when my friend was ill, flu, in bed. Her DH walked upstairs with a boiling pan of potatoes to ask her if they were ready. Mine hasn't quite gone that low.

Show quote history

Oh no, this is me. 😬

I carry the vast majority of the mental load, am the breadwinner and do the majority of the housework. I also have ADHD and I'm forgetful, easily overwhelmed and struggle with over thinking simple tasks to the point that I can't decide whether I've done it "right" or not so I frequently ask my husband to back me up when I'm doubting myself. My husband always checks the pasta and rice for me. 🙈

SouthLondonMum22 · 07/05/2023 18:57

Putyourdamnshoeson · 07/05/2023 18:18

Yes. We have been together since we were 21
It took a while to get him to grasp that I wasn't his mum, but I had no hesitation. The one area that lacked was food, his cooking is basic, functional, but I'm a great cook. So I'd cook, he'd sous chef and clear up.
I earned more than him, marginally.
I was a sahm for 7 years, which I enjoyed. That was helped enormously by my £30k redundancy package, I wasn't kept by anyone's standards.
Over the years he got busier, started a job with a 2 hour total commute etc, so I took on more of the household stuff and he didn't do nothing around the home, but it wasn't much.
I went back to work very part time and low paid. Kept doing the lion's share. It built and built.
When I went full time it got really difficult. I lost a lot of respect for him as i said upthread, it took several soul searching conversations, some crying and eventually a threat to leave for him to grasp that he was being lazy. His view was that he was always busy, so how could he possibly do more. He still earns more than me, but I'm on a good salary, national average and only work term time, so we don't pay any childcare. My job is difficult and stressful (not worth it, that is a different thread).
The balance is better than it was a couple of years ago, but not right.

I am always baffled by the patronising tone used towards women in this kind of situation here. It often doesn't happen overnight and the idea of uprooting an entire life seems baffling to me. Yes, I sometimes feel disrespected and I'll tell him as much. But we have a mortgage, a dog, 2 children and 21 years of shared history.

Show quote history

I think your situation is very common for women to fall into, especially if they are a SAHM for a number of years.

I understand, it happened with my mum and it's also happening with my sister. Both were/are SAHM's.

It doesn't have to be that way though. Honestly, I wouldn't have made it to 21 years with a man like that. I'd be resentful, bitter and miserable.

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 07/05/2023 18:59

Withdraw. Stop "helping" him and concentrate on just the kids and you.
Don't go to B&Q again - if he's going to "DIY" the clue is in the Y. You, mate - not @Putyourdamnshoeson or the kids. Work it out for yourself.
Stop trying to second guess him, start doing your own thing and let him book an appointment with you rather than you being available all the time.

Cherryblossoms85 · 07/05/2023 19:02

My husband used to be like this. Then he became a stay at home parent. He now prioritises all the home jobs and is really very good at them. Better than I was when I was doing all the piad and unpaid jobs...

BreaktheCycle · 07/05/2023 19:05

Thesharkradar · 07/05/2023 18:03

Where do u women who let men walk all over them find them?
These types start out playing nice/fair etc.
They dont show their true colours until it feels 'safe' for them to do so, or in other words they have enough leverage in the relationship that the other person cant push back or cant leave.
Ie when she's invested so much that it's hard to leave, or is trapped because they now have children for whose care she has sacrificed her earning potential.

Yes, and this is why women need to keep their feet in the door re. employment following Maternity Leave, if only for 1-3 days pw. Or at least ensure they have qualifications and a decent amount of relevant work experience that is likely to allow them to return to work after taking a career break to become SAHM’s, without taking too much of a detrimental hit to their earning power when they do eventually return to the workplace.

Everyone needs options/a Plan B/a Fuck Off Fund, just incase things go tits up.

OP - That 30k Redundancy Payment should have been ring-fenced as insurance. It should have put in a savings account in your sole name, just in case…
Especially as you gave up your financial independence to stay at home 24/7 to look after your DC which were created by ‘both’ of you.

It sounds like you provided free childcare whilst using your 30k redundancy payment to support yourself and the household?

Did your Husband’s financial contribution to the household increase when you became a SAHM?

I would only then consider that 30k Redundancy Payment as disposable family income, once I’d returned to work and also felt reassured that the Father of my children had lived up to the basic expectations of being an involved parent and partner/Husband in all aspects of family life, where possible.

It’s not automatic to think this way when we’re young, but knowing what I now know re. relationships and the sacrifices of parenthood, I will be advising my Daughter’s to do the above.

BreaktheCycle · 07/05/2023 19:10

Putyourdamnshoeson · 07/05/2023 18:23

If I were to leave, I can't imagine that I'd be seeking another man.
There is bitterness, that is true. And I've told him as much.
Honestly, my only knowledge of couples therapy is through a friend whose situation is much worse than mine and the therapist took her partner's side. It has destroyed her and she is still there. Drudging

Therapists/Counsellors are only human, and there are good ones and bad ones out there. You find one who works well for both of you.

Montyman1 · 07/05/2023 19:15

Everything you have said sounds like my husband. Except I work for/with my husband and yes, I am PA at home and PA at work. I’m not meant to be PA at work but he seems incapable of doing anything properly I.e. finishing a job from start to finish, managing staff, managing his time, returning calls/emails, he can be so unprofessional. I’ve just lost respect for him.

Your husband probably manages away fine at work because he can ‘talk the talk’ - my husband was ‘talking the talk’ to me for years about his work. Now I’m working there myself I know when he’s full of cr** lying to me yet again about a deadline that’s been missed, or a call that’s he’s supposedly made that’s it actually all his fault, not someone else’s like he would have led me to believe when I worked elsewhere.

We are restarting counselling again after yet another meltdown on my end from not being listened to and having to be mother to our two children and to him. This of course has been exacerbated since starting to work with him and the easy solution would be to leave my job with him but I fear the business would fail and we would be left destitute.

Gandalfsthong · 07/05/2023 19:16

90stalgia · 06/05/2023 15:19

Large, multi-national firms are full over over-promoted, thick blokes.

Came on to say this 👆🏻 most large firms are crawling with them

PelvicFlora · 07/05/2023 19:18

90stalgia · 06/05/2023 15:19

Large, multi-national firms are full over over-promoted, thick blokes.

This.

From bitter experience.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 07/05/2023 19:23

He's probably got some super duper secretary at work who does all the thinking for him and efficiently smooths the way for him so he looks good and in fact does everything for him except wipe his bum. So he doesn't have to think at all!

MrsPetty · 07/05/2023 19:23

I had the same issue with my exH. Director of a huge international bank. Genius level clever but … outside work he was a total moron. Actually worse than that…when we broke up I realised that my life simply did not change. I still did absolutely everything for DCs and in the home, I just didn’t have someone telling me that I was rubbish at everything. I can only imagine that he and possibly your husband are fantastic delegators…mine was completely oblivious to anybody else’s feelings and continually took credit where it totally was not due. That dead inside quality was likely why he was so successful in the city 🙁 I don’t miss him or his goal hanging ways …

DefendingPan · 07/05/2023 19:29

They’re different skill sets

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 07/05/2023 19:30

Putyourdamnshoeson · 06/05/2023 16:56

Pretty sure it's not him. He got the idea and took ds on a bike ride.
He isn't useless at work. I don't think he has been overpromoted, I think he is good at his job, but does occasionally cause problems by communicating in a totally batshit way.

He is not a bad man. He is not a full aprtmer in terms of the mental load, by any stretch. I think that he is pretty standard for.most blokes. I think that most men don't even come close to pulling their weight.

I told him exactly how and why I was pissed off with him. He told me again how he'd respond better if I approached it in a nicer way. I told him I'm sick of being nice when he fails to make basic effort.

Show quote history

Instead of changing your tone, tell him that tone policing is a tactic used by those who are in the wrong to silence those who are in the right. Because it's true.

blondieminx · 07/05/2023 19:32

Have a google of “sunk cost fallacy”

I was hesitant about calling time on things with exH after 17 years.I should have done it sooner than I did.

you don’t have to put up with his bullshit negging “oh well I can’t do what you asked as you had a TONE”

you don’t have to live life effectively mopping up his chaos.

if you split you’d be doing what you do now, but not literally catering to a manchild. And it’s astonishing how much lighter life becomes 🤗

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 07/05/2023 19:32

Montyman1 · 07/05/2023 19:15

Everything you have said sounds like my husband. Except I work for/with my husband and yes, I am PA at home and PA at work. I’m not meant to be PA at work but he seems incapable of doing anything properly I.e. finishing a job from start to finish, managing staff, managing his time, returning calls/emails, he can be so unprofessional. I’ve just lost respect for him.

Your husband probably manages away fine at work because he can ‘talk the talk’ - my husband was ‘talking the talk’ to me for years about his work. Now I’m working there myself I know when he’s full of cr** lying to me yet again about a deadline that’s been missed, or a call that’s he’s supposedly made that’s it actually all his fault, not someone else’s like he would have led me to believe when I worked elsewhere.

We are restarting counselling again after yet another meltdown on my end from not being listened to and having to be mother to our two children and to him. This of course has been exacerbated since starting to work with him and the easy solution would be to leave my job with him but I fear the business would fail and we would be left destitute.

LTB and get a new job as well as a divorce. Then both problems are solved.

RachelGreeneGreep · 07/05/2023 19:33

roseopose · 06/05/2023 18:49

My partner is like this too, the whole "well if you'd asked NICELY then I would have done it, but since you let your emotions and annoyance show, I'm going to PUNISH you by not doing what you've asked/not apologising". Its basically training you never to show any irritation at his incompetence because that makes him feel shit. I have had years and years of trying to keep myself in check, ask nicely, even tone blah blah and guess what, no matter how I ask, I'm always doing it wrong and I can neatly be blamed for why he can't possibly do what I've asked.

Show quote history

Spot on. 'Well I was going to say sorry but now I realise it's all your fault because you didn't ask nicely so I won't. Yeah boo, sucks to you' 🙄😤

I would bin him off, OP tbh.

Itwasnaeme · 07/05/2023 19:58

OP I know you've said you have ADHD (in relation to your son having it) but there is no reason at all why your dh might not be as well - I don't know if it helps to see some of his behaviour as being a result of this rather than sheer selfishness! Obviously you know him better than me (!) but I wouldn't rule out him being being neurologically atypical.

SirTarquin · 07/05/2023 20:12

An important life lesson: people behave differently with different people.

For all sorts of reasons. Ranging from their own interests to their own interests.

EarthSight · 07/05/2023 20:13

Having spent time with senior people, he gets by with one or all of these -

Being mentally present and caring what people think of him in a way he doesn't when he's at home

Doing the bare minimum

Dividing many aspects of his job into small pieces and allocating them to people underneath him who are having to do those tasks on top of their own jobs

Avoiding making important decisions and delaying them to the point where everyone gets fed up and makes them for him. Then when something goes wrong, he can blame them, and when they go well, he can claim what an amazing team he had (lead by him of course)

Taking credit for other people's work generally

Gaslighting people. Telling people to one thing and then 3 weeks later telling them they should be doing the opposite like they're completely stupid, when it's him that's actually forgotten he give them the first instructions in the first place

Going back on the decisions he has made (but not admitting it) and making other people seem like they're crazy by instinct they got the wrong end of the stick

EarthSight · 07/05/2023 20:15

@Montyman1 That sounds so bad. I'm guess he is not the man you thought you married, is he?

PeloMom · 07/05/2023 20:15

YANBU.
mad someone else said- he is treating you as unpaid assistant and is a lousy partner and parent.
Best advice we got at pre- marriage counselling was to share a calendar where we put all of our and kids appointment etc- no one forgets. And if it’s not in the calendar isn’t happening- ie if I put I’m out of friends and he ‘forgot’ to put in calendar he wants to go play soccer with buddies at the same time- he stays home and I go out.