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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How does DH survive at work?

208 replies

Putyourdamnshoeson · 06/05/2023 15:09

He's a senior manager in a large, multi national firm. He's well respected. How? The man is incapable of communicating in any way effectively.

Today, he asks if I'll come with him to DIY shops later to suss out something for a project (a retrofit to make the thing he insisted on work the way it needs to, rather than spend the bit extra I wanted to to just buy the thing we needed in the first place. His way will cost more and take more effort). I said yes, but first we need lunch. I oversee 2 DCs, tweens, getting their own lunch, pick at a bit myself, go upstairs to put shoes on. Waiting for him to say he's ready. 10 minutes later, nothing, I call, nothing. Ask DS10 where his dad is, he says 'don't know, oh wait, he's in the car'.
I go to the car, there he is, he's been there for more than 5 minutes apparently. I ask why he didn't shout, he said 'oh I told DS10 to tell you' (Ds by the way has ADHD).
I ask if he has told DD13 that we are going out, that she's in charge of dog, where were going, we have phones etc, nope. Hadn't thought to.
So, I go back in, tell them, answer the usual 9 questions, etc.
Come back to car, he says 'you took your time', I, admittedly sarcastically said 'yes, I was just parenting, as someone has to'. He goes.on one about how me speaking to 'them' like that is the problem we have as a family, if I could just answer more levelly about things everyone would be happier.
Huh? Him, he means him. He has only very recently, on 90th time of asking started to pay attention to when parents evenings, birthday parties, practices etc might be, even then, it is standard that I remind him.

How on earth does he cope at work, with multi million pound projects?

Yabu: you shouldn't have expected him to tell the kids where you were going and should have responded kindly.
Yanbu: FFS, he can cope for 37 hours a week, presumably, it would be normal to communicate and lead (on a DIY project he suggested)

I'm irritated and fed up of doing all the thinking. I might get flamed, who knows.

OP posts:
Orangello · 06/05/2023 18:05

He doesn't care enough, does he?

He doesn't believe it should be his responsibility, for some reason.

SouthLondonMum22 · 06/05/2023 18:06

billy1966 · 06/05/2023 18:02

I think bickering in front of the children if it is a regular thing is really not good.

He sounds deeply deeply irritating.

Your tone is because over time respect leaks away when men behave like this.

Withdrawal of anything that you do for him alone is very effective in lessening the stress.

Teach the children to do their laundry and tell him he is on his own for his.

You also working full-time and him being so lazy is just not acceptable.

Hand over dinner two nights a week and its up to him to sort.
If he wants the weekend, let him off.

Start actively thinking about if you need to do something or blow it off.

Email him jobs that are now his responsibility.

If he fxxks up, it is clear it was him.

Doing these things are cheaper than divorce!

I agree.

I'd also stop answering questions. Tell him to work it out himself.

Putyourdamnshoeson · 06/05/2023 18:10

I came to AIBU more because when I explained to him why I didn't even know he was in the car and was bemused, he pulled the whole well you have a point, but because you have said it with a tone, I'm now not sorry.

This is something happening more and more, but as a previous poster said, this doesn't happen in isolation. It comes on the back of numerous, daily, incidents as well as proper soul searching conversations about roles and responsibilities.

I can not keep the same even tone as if each time is the first. This is really the crux of me asking if IABU I guess.

OP posts:
Putyourdamnshoeson · 06/05/2023 18:12

And I referenced his work to highlight that he's a bright enough chap. Capable.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 06/05/2023 18:17

Putyourdamnshoeson · 06/05/2023 18:12

And I referenced his work to highlight that he's a bright enough chap. Capable.

But like a previous poster mentioned, you only have his word for that.

We have all worked with people, men and women, who are shit at their jobs. Yet how often do you hear men say 'I am so out of my league at work.'

Anklespraying · 06/05/2023 18:18

He is like this at work.

(a retrofit to make the thing he insisted on work the way it needs to, rather than spend the bit extra I wanted to to just buy the thing we needed in the first place. His way will cost more and take more effort)

If people that work with him have a "tone" with him about his incompetence they will be punished so they don't use a tone, they just silently hate him.

He's not therefore used to a "tone", he's used to silence and so you seem wrong instead of justified.

There's hundreds of thousands of people like this, it is why nothing works.

It's too late, he's been allowed to be crap too long, it won't change.

And it's a sunk cost fallacy sticking with it because you have done 21 years. Marriage is a word, not a sentence.

Lessoftheold · 06/05/2023 18:19

90stalgia · 06/05/2023 15:19

Large, multi-national firms are full over over-promoted, thick blokes.

I've worked for a lot of companies, large and small, and this is always the case, its ridiculous.

coxesorangepippin · 06/05/2023 18:23

DH asked me how to chop up broccoli the other day

He's 47, an engineer and we've been married for 14 years

Mirabai · 06/05/2023 18:23

At work he has a PA no? And anyway - his work is important, family stuff is just women’s work - the worse he is at it the less he has to do. Result.

Thesharkradar · 06/05/2023 18:26

Putyourdamnshoeson · 06/05/2023 18:12

And I referenced his work to highlight that he's a bright enough chap. Capable.

bright = all the more able to pull the wool over your eyes and make sure you do the lion's share of the donkey work

fetchacloth · 06/05/2023 18:26

Careerdilemma · 06/05/2023 15:24

I work with plenty of idiots in very senior roles in multi million pound organisations. They get promoted by getting other people to deal with the things they consider beneath them and trampling all over other people. Much like how he acts as a husband really.

Spot on. I was once married to someone like that and I came a very poor second in his life.

SilverGlitterBaubles · 06/05/2023 18:29

90stalgia · 06/05/2023 15:19

Large, multi-national firms are full over over-promoted, thick blokes.

This exactly, suspect like many he has risen through the ranks on the back of the hard work of others and thanks to being part of the boys club. See also much if the current government. Over promotion is rife.

fishonabicycle · 06/05/2023 18:35

He is perfectly capable - he just can't be arsed because he has you to do it for him.

Cloudburstings · 06/05/2023 18:41

@Putyourdamnshoeson what happens when you go away for a few nights and leave him in charge of the kids?

billy1966 · 06/05/2023 18:41

He doesn't care.

He does the bare minimum.

When men do nothing when their wife is a sahm, then you really can't be surprised.

They are selfish, thats it.

Two choices, step well back and do nothing at all that aids their life alone, or......

Divorce them.

This is not uncommon.

It was a real shock to me when years ago friends told me how little the did for their husbands.

They too worked and chose to take work trips away, do a course that was work related, worked late one night a week, took early nursing shifts, worked nights, all to put THEM in the hot seat.

No laundry, shopping.
Didn't cook anything they liked.
Insisted they cook a couple of nights a week or they would not be included in family meals.

They were ruthless, but it got them to a place where they were just doing enough to not split.

One friend holidays now only with girlfriends when her children started making their own plans, she had zero interest in organising a holiday with him.
He loves his golfing trips with buddies, so a win win🤷🏻‍♀️

TheKobayashiMaru · 06/05/2023 18:41

He doesn't think of the children and their needs the way I do.

Maybe that's how it is at his work as well. I know some senior managers who make the decisions but they don't actually go through the detail of how to deliver those things.

quintessentialquince · 06/05/2023 18:43

My dh hired people to get away with stuff. But also is your dh employed by government or charity? One both don't seem to ever have any threat of losing their jobs so there are numerous coasters there too.

underneaththeash · 06/05/2023 18:47

I find life runs more smoothly if you acknowledge every single person you every meet is incompetent and you need to pre-empt any mistake they may make in their role and/or task before asking them to do it.
It does work too with emails to official bodies/council etc.
Sadly not with government policy.

underneaththeash · 06/05/2023 18:48

every=ever

roseopose · 06/05/2023 18:49

Putyourdamnshoeson · 06/05/2023 18:10

I came to AIBU more because when I explained to him why I didn't even know he was in the car and was bemused, he pulled the whole well you have a point, but because you have said it with a tone, I'm now not sorry.

This is something happening more and more, but as a previous poster said, this doesn't happen in isolation. It comes on the back of numerous, daily, incidents as well as proper soul searching conversations about roles and responsibilities.

I can not keep the same even tone as if each time is the first. This is really the crux of me asking if IABU I guess.

My partner is like this too, the whole "well if you'd asked NICELY then I would have done it, but since you let your emotions and annoyance show, I'm going to PUNISH you by not doing what you've asked/not apologising". Its basically training you never to show any irritation at his incompetence because that makes him feel shit. I have had years and years of trying to keep myself in check, ask nicely, even tone blah blah and guess what, no matter how I ask, I'm always doing it wrong and I can neatly be blamed for why he can't possibly do what I've asked.

Putyourdamnshoeson · 06/05/2023 19:23

roseopose · 06/05/2023 18:49

My partner is like this too, the whole "well if you'd asked NICELY then I would have done it, but since you let your emotions and annoyance show, I'm going to PUNISH you by not doing what you've asked/not apologising". Its basically training you never to show any irritation at his incompetence because that makes him feel shit. I have had years and years of trying to keep myself in check, ask nicely, even tone blah blah and guess what, no matter how I ask, I'm always doing it wrong and I can neatly be blamed for why he can't possibly do what I've asked.

I have been working hard on this lately. It had always been that he was calm, didn't shout, cry, get upset, was therefore reasonable, whereas I am emotional and so, wrong. But I was emotional due to being at the absolute end of my tether, having raised it, repeatedly.
So, now, I stay calm and even, no matter how hard I find it (I grew up in a volatile home, it took a while to learn to breathe first) and often it makes it worse really, not better. He resents that he now hasn't got that upper hand.

OP posts:
Riapia · 06/05/2023 19:30

At work he’ll have an underling to take the blame, similarly at home.

SlippySarah · 06/05/2023 19:31

I always wonder how my ex copes managing teams of people and big projects at work when he needs the absolute basics of parenting spoon fed to him and is unable to communicate appropriately with teachers, childcare providers and other parents.

Treacletoots · 06/05/2023 19:32

He's DARVOing you OP. Hes managed to make it YOUR fault that he's behaving like a dick. Because YOU didn't ask him nicely enough.

What a prince. Tell him when he starts pulling his weight you'll speak to him in the manner he deserves. Whilst he's being a selfish dick, treat him accordingly.

I have to say, my exH was just like this. Life had been 1000% better since I jettisoned thst freeloading cocklodger out of my life.