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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How does DH survive at work?

208 replies

Putyourdamnshoeson · 06/05/2023 15:09

He's a senior manager in a large, multi national firm. He's well respected. How? The man is incapable of communicating in any way effectively.

Today, he asks if I'll come with him to DIY shops later to suss out something for a project (a retrofit to make the thing he insisted on work the way it needs to, rather than spend the bit extra I wanted to to just buy the thing we needed in the first place. His way will cost more and take more effort). I said yes, but first we need lunch. I oversee 2 DCs, tweens, getting their own lunch, pick at a bit myself, go upstairs to put shoes on. Waiting for him to say he's ready. 10 minutes later, nothing, I call, nothing. Ask DS10 where his dad is, he says 'don't know, oh wait, he's in the car'.
I go to the car, there he is, he's been there for more than 5 minutes apparently. I ask why he didn't shout, he said 'oh I told DS10 to tell you' (Ds by the way has ADHD).
I ask if he has told DD13 that we are going out, that she's in charge of dog, where were going, we have phones etc, nope. Hadn't thought to.
So, I go back in, tell them, answer the usual 9 questions, etc.
Come back to car, he says 'you took your time', I, admittedly sarcastically said 'yes, I was just parenting, as someone has to'. He goes.on one about how me speaking to 'them' like that is the problem we have as a family, if I could just answer more levelly about things everyone would be happier.
Huh? Him, he means him. He has only very recently, on 90th time of asking started to pay attention to when parents evenings, birthday parties, practices etc might be, even then, it is standard that I remind him.

How on earth does he cope at work, with multi million pound projects?

Yabu: you shouldn't have expected him to tell the kids where you were going and should have responded kindly.
Yanbu: FFS, he can cope for 37 hours a week, presumably, it would be normal to communicate and lead (on a DIY project he suggested)

I'm irritated and fed up of doing all the thinking. I might get flamed, who knows.

OP posts:
BreaktheCycle · 06/05/2023 16:24

Weaponised incompetence.

Let him ‘manage himself’, just like you are able to manage yourself in all aspects of your life as an adult.

I’m sure you had better things to do with your time today, instead of escorting him to the shops!

Climbles · 06/05/2023 16:29

He doesn’t take on the mental load of parenting because he perceives it as women’s work and beneath him. My DP is the same. He will ask a million questions in order to do the simplest task in regards to the kids but somehow manages a very technically job that requires extremely high levels of intelligence without someone micro managing him.

Deathbyfluffy · 06/05/2023 16:30

90stalgia · 06/05/2023 15:19

Large, multi-national firms are full over over-promoted, thick blokes.

I’ve worked with plenty of over-promoted thick women too - God knows they got the roles they did, but it’s just as infuriating.

Mightyouandiconfabulate · 06/05/2023 16:32

See I am probably the female version of your dh op.
I have always held an extremely high pressured, extremely stressful and challenging job.
It’s vital that I concentrate 100%, no deviation, balancing numerous critical tasks in a water tight fashion for 12-14 hours while at work.

When at home, on days off, I have no motivation, no energy and no head space to move. It honestly takes all of my effort to even dress myself at times
Its when I can recharge my batteries and not have to think about much.
Thank god I have an extremely hands on, understanding and amazing husband who takes up the reigns and has done for over 20 years that we have had our kids.

I bet he realises what you do for your family and is grateful that they all have you.

EmmaEmerald · 06/05/2023 16:34

Might how do you find these guys? I'm childfree but so sick of doing domestic and life admin.

can they be trained? Is that too much hassle? I have a possible interested party.

RebulahConundrum · 06/05/2023 16:34

Sometimes I get really depressed that I'm single. Then I read posts like this. Yikes.

Treacletoots · 06/05/2023 16:39

The problem is, you've let him do this for 20 years so he's not going to suddenly change is he?

Have you insisted on equal parenting from day one, both working equally or have you taken a more family led role whilst he goes to work?

I think personally people only treat you, how you let them. I went back to work at 6 months and DH did his part of the shared parental leave. We both earn pretty much identical amounts and do equal amounts of parenting. I've made sure of that.

Even so, I've noticed that my fully engaged capable adult husband seems incapable of doing everything on the school run. There's always something missing. The more I accept it, the worse it gets and DD turns up at school with no coat, socks or brushed teeth, for example.

He even told me the other day that I was doing pickup, rather than asked me. I pointed out that I wasn't his employee. 😂

I believe its a constant education to both parents what is expected of each, otherwise subconsciously or not, one always seemingly takes the piss.

BashfulClam · 06/05/2023 16:39

I used to my work for a fire for of 3 companies, he was a multimillionaire and admitted if he didn’t have his PA his life wouldn’t run. Shirley was the real boss, oil top up at his rural home-done, car at the airport-done, flights arranged-done, passport/driving licence renewed-done, meetings scheduled-done. Anything he needed she was on top of…we all need a Shirley

Treacletoots · 06/05/2023 16:46

@YourExcellency hilarious that you think its not obvious who you are.

Perhaps rather than "waiting patiently" for your wife to DO FUCKING EVERYTHING to do with the DC, you got off your LAZY ARSE and did some actual parenting, she wouldn't need to post on Mumsnet and you wouldn't still be sat waiting patiently, you'd be pulling your weight equally.

Clearly a concept that is foreign to you.

Mightyouandiconfabulate · 06/05/2023 16:50

Emma no idea!
He knew what he was getting into from the beginning with me.
plus we were together for 7 years before kids and so he really knew what he was dealing with, accepted it and took it on.
He is a MUCH better parent than I am.

I changed jobs a year ago. Much much less high pressure, better hours, gentle work while at work, so I have now taken on a more equal percentage of the home stuff and feel able and happy to do it.
I am acutely aware of what I have missed out on. And even more grateful to have such a good person with me.

EmmaEmerald · 06/05/2023 16:52

Might in terms of boring domestic chores, you haven't missed out.

everyone wants a Shirley and there are hardly any Shirleys around.

Putyourdamnshoeson · 06/05/2023 16:56

Treacletoots · 06/05/2023 16:46

@YourExcellency hilarious that you think its not obvious who you are.

Perhaps rather than "waiting patiently" for your wife to DO FUCKING EVERYTHING to do with the DC, you got off your LAZY ARSE and did some actual parenting, she wouldn't need to post on Mumsnet and you wouldn't still be sat waiting patiently, you'd be pulling your weight equally.

Clearly a concept that is foreign to you.

Pretty sure it's not him. He got the idea and took ds on a bike ride.
He isn't useless at work. I don't think he has been overpromoted, I think he is good at his job, but does occasionally cause problems by communicating in a totally batshit way.

He is not a bad man. He is not a full aprtmer in terms of the mental load, by any stretch. I think that he is pretty standard for.most blokes. I think that most men don't even come close to pulling their weight.

I told him exactly how and why I was pissed off with him. He told me again how he'd respond better if I approached it in a nicer way. I told him I'm sick of being nice when he fails to make basic effort.

OP posts:
Mightyouandiconfabulate · 06/05/2023 16:56

Today he took one child to his football match, repaired the boiler, fitted a new radiator, cleaned up after himself and has just taken our youngest to a birthday party.
Ive done a wash load, cleaned the kitchen & bathroom and taken the little one to get a birthday card for his pal.

I am very lucky, very happy with our lot and grateful for our nice life, but by god I have sacrificed and worked hard to give us this life.

It all works out in the end.

GretaGood · 06/05/2023 17:02

I would say he delegates.
So in meetings he / they decide what needs to be done then he delegated the work to a hieve this.
Also success at work maintains his ego . If he fails he’d be humiliated.
at home he only has you to delegate to and his ego is not affected by what he does - there’s no failure.

ShandaLear · 06/05/2023 17:02

My ex was director of a large department at a university with overall responsibility for 30 staff, around 500 students, and 5 degree programmes. He has a full blown melt down then I asked him to organise dentist appointments for the kids. I also worked full time but in a less senior role so he assumed he could treat me like one of his staff rather than a partner. Anyway, we split up and now he does all the dentist appointments.

maddiemookins16mum · 06/05/2023 17:04

Actually it all sounds like a drama over nothing.

BlurredVision · 06/05/2023 17:04

Being competent at work and at home have nothing to do with each other. At work he probably manages up, keeps his bosses happy, focuses on strategic goals and has a team to make sure execution is done well. That's basically what happened today - he expressed his goal (diy shop) and then you made sure it happened. If it was strategically important for him to be an engaged parent and competent housekeeper (e.g. because his marriage depended on it) then he'd do it. E.g. if you left the house earlier and he had to get everything ready to go to the DIY shop it would have gotten done. Don't fall into the trap of being his willing employee.

Treacletoots · 06/05/2023 17:05

I don't disagree that most men don't come even close to pulling their weight OP.. but the question is why is this?

I divorced the first one who behaved like this. The 2nd one is (mostly) brilliant. If he wasn't, I'd have divorced him too.

People only take advantage of you if you let them. It's time women really started to stand up to this misogyny.

coxesorangepippin · 06/05/2023 17:10

Does he look the part at work?? Half the battle, let's face it

RememberNancyDrew · 06/05/2023 17:12

I deal with these men at work and the saving grace - I tell myself - "Well, at least I'm not married to him, at least I don't have to stage manage his personal life, at least I don't have to fuck him."

Thesharkradar · 06/05/2023 17:16

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 06/05/2023 15:25

My experience is that lots of people in senior positions have the gift of the gab.

I agree!
good at subtly manipulating people and making events go in their favour, plus saving energy by getting other people to do menial/boring/time consuming tasks leaving them free to recharge and recuperate

Coronationstation · 06/05/2023 17:16

90stalgia · 06/05/2023 15:19

Large, multi-national firms are full over over-promoted, thick blokes.

This! You just have to be good at waffling a lot in the right meetings. I’ve worked with some people for years and never actually seen them produce any physical work so I’ve no idea what they do all day other than talk a lot.

ShowUs · 06/05/2023 17:16

I’ve not voted as I think his performance at work is completely irrelevant.

Do you work?

There are a lot of men who encourage their partners to become SAHM’s or only work PT just so they can have a live in housekeeper/ nanny/ chef/ sex doll.

I don’t want to start an argument on the pros and cons of being a SAHP but this isn’t the first thread I’ve read where the wife is treated like a maid and nanny whilst the husband has absolutely no responsibilities at all apart from working.

Weekends and evenings he should be just as involved with parenting, housework and cooking as you are.

Thesharkradar · 06/05/2023 17:18

If it was strategically important for him to be an engaged parent and competent housekeeper (e.g. because his marriage depended on it) then he'd do it
agree!
you have to out strategize him @Putyourdamnshoeson

ShowUs · 06/05/2023 17:18

Also he manages perfectly fine at work because he wants to and has to.

At home he doesn’t want to or have to pull his weight, so he doesn’t.