How does DH survive at work?

[Putyourdamnshoeson]

He's a senior manager in a large, multi national firm. He's well respected. How? The man is incapable of communicating in any way effectively.

Today, he asks if I'll come with him to DIY shops later to suss out something for a project (a retrofit to make the thing he insisted on work the way it needs to, rather than spend the bit extra I wanted to to just buy the thing we needed in the first place. His way will cost more and take more effort). I said yes, but first we need lunch. I oversee 2 DCs, tweens, getting their own lunch, pick at a bit myself, go upstairs to put shoes on. Waiting for him to say he's ready. 10 minutes later, nothing, I call, nothing. Ask DS10 where his dad is, he says 'don't know, oh wait, he's in the car'.
I go to the car, there he is, he's been there for more than 5 minutes apparently. I ask why he didn't shout, he said 'oh I told DS10 to tell you' (Ds by the way has ADHD).
I ask if he has told DD13 that we are going out, that she's in charge of dog, where were going, we have phones etc, nope. Hadn't thought to.
So, I go back in, tell them, answer the usual 9 questions, etc.
Come back to car, he says 'you took your time', I, admittedly sarcastically said 'yes, I was just parenting, as someone has to'. He goes.on one about how me speaking to 'them' like that is the problem we have as a family, if I could just answer more levelly about things everyone would be happier.
Huh? Him, he means him. He has only very recently, on 90th time of asking started to pay attention to when parents evenings, birthday parties, practices etc might be, even then, it is standard that I remind him.

How on earth does he cope at work, with multi million pound projects?

Yabu: you shouldn't have expected him to tell the kids where you were going and should have responded kindly.
Yanbu: FFS, he can cope for 37 hours a week, presumably, it would be normal to communicate and lead (on a DIY project he suggested)

I'm irritated and fed up of doing all the thinking. I might get flamed, who knows.

Honestly most men aren't like this. You don't have to put up with it. Every single male relative I have (my dad, BIL, SIL) and my husband are absolutely not like this.

I'm not sure I believe this. Based on friends' husbands and my male family as well as my job, I do think that the majority of men are in fact like this, or worse.

But they really aren’t. Do you think maybe it’s easier for you to think that’s the case because you don’t then have to worry about whether you deserve better? I can categorically tell you that my two brothers are not like this and my 5 girlfriends are not married to men like this.

I’ve got one of these delegators at work. He knows by now not to pull this shit with me, but sometimes forgets.

He once complained that I was taking too long to pack up the food and all of the associated paraphernalia for a picnic in the park, whilst not helping. I told him to get on with it himself then, and that I would not be going with him and the kids.

I work PT and have a day off during the week. A day off to run around the shops and get on top of laundry.

The other weekend, he asked me if I would like to go to IKEA for him, to return something for one of his businesses. I laughed.

Ensure he downloads the school app onto his phone and that he also receives all the school emails.

Start sending him calendar invites from your phone, so he also has all of the DC’s school term dates, Teacher Training Day dates, Mufti Day, dress up day, bring in cardboard week at school, medical appointments, school packed lunch days, etc in his calendar. I do this and he’s no longer able to say he forgot.

Every time he forgets or loses the DC’s hat, scarf, gloves, school sweatshirt, jacket, water bottle, etc make it his responsibility to either find it or replace it.

Make him responsible and accountable for being a parent.

I WFH in the main, but DH is the default for the AM school run with our youngest DC, because he can.

I’m planning two ladies trips away this year. One long weekend trip and and a 7-10 day trip away outside of term time.
He’ll manage, like I always do when he’s abroad.

My husband tried this with a couple of things like putting the kids to bed. I just told him incompetence is not an excuse and he needed to do the task more so he could better at it. He got better at it. DH is also very successful in his career and like you I was amazed when he tried that stuff!

@Mumsanetta @Putyourdamnshoeson

I think that's because you subconsciously seek out what you know. What's familiar to you.

My dad was selfish, my step dad selfish, (mum chose twice) my husband was selfish, my fil selfish, (son copied father) most of my friends husbands also selfish. I thought all men were. I subconsciously chose friends who would echo my woes.

Then I saw the light. I found a man who wasn't selfish. His entire circle of friends are happily married and none of them selfish.

God, how depressing if you're right! I guess I must be quite lucky with the men in my life.

Im glad my husband isn't a useless turd like some of the men on this post. It's probably because they have been able to get away with it so long. Stop pandering to them and eventually they'll have to get it.

I think that is the pain I'm going through now. There are some elements that I accept won't change and I'm trying to put them down to 'different strengths'

Some people are just very good at delegating at getting other people to do things for them. It’s an essential skill for a manager.

I couldn’t be with someone like it personally but we are all attracted to different people.

Lucky DH. Working so hard, earning all that money so that you can live a comfortable life - and what does he get in return? This kind of attitude.

@ILikePizzas if you bothered to read the OPs other posts you'll see that she also works full time. Why should she be picking up all the sack at home because her husband can't be arsed?

He excels at work because at home he switches off

RTFT 🙄

Any man that finds parenting or any household/family activities are beneath them are not worthy of having that family life. Any woman that thinks that this is acceptable just because they are lovely elsewhere then you're living in denial. Family should be the number 1 priority over work over friends over everything and men that have these wives/partner/free PA's do jot deserve these incredible women. Jobs, friends, possessions etc come and go but there is nothing more important than pulling your own weight in the home, it's not helping your wife it's teamwork and it's the bare minimum that most of us fucking ask for. If you can't provide the bare minimum then move aside and let her find someone that will and more.
Where do u women who let men walk all over them find them?

Where do u women who let men walk all over them find them?
These types start out playing nice/fair etc.
They dont show their true colours until it feels 'safe' for them to do so, or in other words they have enough leverage in the relationship that the other person cant push back or cant leave.
Ie when she's invested so much that it's hard to leave, or is trapped because they now have children for whose care she has sacrificed her earning potential.

Presumably at work he has staff that do stuff for him. You are his staff at home. Do you want to be his staff?

I just think men switch off the moment they walk through the door of their home.

Yes. We have been together since we were 21
It took a while to get him to grasp that I wasn't his mum, but I had no hesitation. The one area that lacked was food, his cooking is basic, functional, but I'm a great cook. So I'd cook, he'd sous chef and clear up.
I earned more than him, marginally.
I was a sahm for 7 years, which I enjoyed. That was helped enormously by my £30k redundancy package, I wasn't kept by anyone's standards.
Over the years he got busier, started a job with a 2 hour total commute etc, so I took on more of the household stuff and he didn't do nothing around the home, but it wasn't much.
I went back to work very part time and low paid. Kept doing the lion's share. It built and built.
When I went full time it got really difficult. I lost a lot of respect for him as i said upthread, it took several soul searching conversations, some crying and eventually a threat to leave for him to grasp that he was being lazy. His view was that he was always busy, so how could he possibly do more. He still earns more than me, but I'm on a good salary, national average and only work term time, so we don't pay any childcare. My job is difficult and stressful (not worth it, that is a different thread).
The balance is better than it was a couple of years ago, but not right.

I am always baffled by the patronising tone used towards women in this kind of situation here. It often doesn't happen overnight and the idea of uprooting an entire life seems baffling to me. Yes, I sometimes feel disrespected and I'll tell him as much. But we have a mortgage, a dog, 2 children and 21 years of shared history.

I think it helps women to think most men are like this to ease their cognitive dissonance over being unhappy with the state of things but unwilling to leave the relationship. Almost as though if most men are like this then it's not as though leaving means they'll find someone else who isn't, and also if things generally are okay then it doesn't seem such a big deal.

That said, it would be the stewing resentment and bitterness that would do it for me - I can manage okay in the abstract but that feeling of utter bitterness and resentment which burns into your soul as your spouse sits oblivious, smiling contently while you've for the millionth time done whatever little job was required... I couldn't live with that.

If you won't leave then suggest to him you go to couples therapy as you are deeply unhappy and see where you go from there. Men like this don't need to treat their wives with any respect because there are never any consequences and often they know they have some form of leverage if they e.g. are the higher earner.

If I were to leave, I can't imagine that I'd be seeking another man.
There is bitterness, that is true. And I've told him as much.
Honestly, my only knowledge of couples therapy is through a friend whose situation is much worse than mine and the therapist took her partner's side. It has destroyed her and she is still there. Drudging

It sounds like your husband may have ADHD too his traits match perfectly and you mentioned your son has it too . In the work place your husband may thrive at his job because usually adhders are hper focused especially if they enjoy there job . My Ex husband and son have ADHD and it sounds just like what you are experiencing.

He is being lazy, he is perfectly capable of doing all the things you say but he doesn’t bother as it’s easier to leave it all with you. I get this too and I get so sick of it, why are men so bloody lazy 🤦🏼‍♀️

As with all posts like this I have to ask, not one but two children with this man? You kind of made your bed, no?

That all too familiar ‘patronising tone’ you speak of is internalised misogyny. I’d love to know the men they’ve men, I suspect they’re no different and possibly worse than any man I know. I have never ever ever met a man that does a fair share. Pisses me off no end.

Everyday I look at these men and wonder what they are like at home. Presidents. CEOs. Rulers. Rishi. And I bloody know they’re just the same. The older I get, the more baffled I am by how inept men rule the world and women don’t . Like, how??