How does DH survive at work?

[Putyourdamnshoeson]

He's a senior manager in a large, multi national firm. He's well respected. How? The man is incapable of communicating in any way effectively.

Today, he asks if I'll come with him to DIY shops later to suss out something for a project (a retrofit to make the thing he insisted on work the way it needs to, rather than spend the bit extra I wanted to to just buy the thing we needed in the first place. His way will cost more and take more effort). I said yes, but first we need lunch. I oversee 2 DCs, tweens, getting their own lunch, pick at a bit myself, go upstairs to put shoes on. Waiting for him to say he's ready. 10 minutes later, nothing, I call, nothing. Ask DS10 where his dad is, he says 'don't know, oh wait, he's in the car'.
I go to the car, there he is, he's been there for more than 5 minutes apparently. I ask why he didn't shout, he said 'oh I told DS10 to tell you' (Ds by the way has ADHD).
I ask if he has told DD13 that we are going out, that she's in charge of dog, where were going, we have phones etc, nope. Hadn't thought to.
So, I go back in, tell them, answer the usual 9 questions, etc.
Come back to car, he says 'you took your time', I, admittedly sarcastically said 'yes, I was just parenting, as someone has to'. He goes.on one about how me speaking to 'them' like that is the problem we have as a family, if I could just answer more levelly about things everyone would be happier.
Huh? Him, he means him. He has only very recently, on 90th time of asking started to pay attention to when parents evenings, birthday parties, practices etc might be, even then, it is standard that I remind him.

How on earth does he cope at work, with multi million pound projects?

Yabu: you shouldn't have expected him to tell the kids where you were going and should have responded kindly.
Yanbu: FFS, he can cope for 37 hours a week, presumably, it would be normal to communicate and lead (on a DIY project he suggested)

I'm irritated and fed up of doing all the thinking. I might get flamed, who knows.

My hopefully soon to be ex is like this although he isn't very successful at work, he does seem to manage complex tasks and remember things whereas he is incapable of managing easy tasks and remembering anything at all at home. He doesn't see why he should have to look for stuff when I can just tell him where it is, he doesn't see why it's a problem to remind him multiple times about something as simple as asking nursery for the bill, he doesn't see why I feel the need to make sarcastic comments or refuse to 'manage' him, the issue is of course entirely my attitude. I should simply be smiling sweetly and sucking up the fact the man doesn't even know where spare lightbulbs live in his own house. His excuse? You squirrel everything away! You hide things! How am I POSSIBLY supposed to know where they are??
We recently had a conversation about his total lack of awareness of anyone or anything that doesn't relate directly to his needs/hobbies and he asked me to make him a list of things he could take over thinking about. So the solution to me having to think about absolutely everything is for me to spend a concentrated amount of time thinking of everything and writing it down, dividing it up then inevitably having to remind him what he's supposed to be doing anyway.
Do men not realise what a fucking turn off it is when they basically demand to be babied by their partner? I'm sure a lot of men are like this but we shouldn't be standing for it.

Instead of spending time here on MN trying to whip up discontent and make everyone else (behind your husbands back I might add, who pays for a lot of your family's things, waited for you patiently, etc) see your point of view perhaps what you should have done is spend these 15 precious minutes (you claim you're overworked) with him to talk these things over.

You disrespect your husband by badmouthing him behind his back. You don't seem to appreciate him at all. You blame everything on him.

In short yes. You are BU.

OPs DH picked a very apt username ^

Senior corporate types usually have assistants and admin staff to take care of all the boring details, or they pawn it off on colleagues who actually care if things work well. They're also used to people anticipating what they want so don't necessarily have to communicate well all the time.

OP your husband sounds exhausting and while I appreciate you don't want to leave your marriage over this, it's actually ok if at some point you start thinking that way.

I do think you should just leave him to it more though. Why did you go to the shop with him?? If it's his fault that something needs to be bought, then let him deal with it. Go out all day on a weekend and let him 'manage' his kids. Anything to force him into figuring things out.

It's strategic incompetence at play. An awful lot of them are very adept at it.

This morning my OH asked me to ask Alexa when a certain event is happening. When I queried why he couldn't ask her himself he said he'd have to word the question properly if he asks Alexa. Clearly it's easier to just mumble something at me.

At times I'm almost ready to pull the plug. Honestly, the only thing that saves our marriage really is the realisation that most men are like this, but probably also worse in other ways (my husband is caring and pulls his weight in other ways).

I understand this probably makes you feel better but I really don't think this is true. I know very few men like this.

It is these low expectations of men that helps them get away with it!

@roseopose congratulations on getting rid of a dead weight. Yes, a lot of men are like this and they are with women who tolerate it. The women who don’t tolerate this and have a much higher bar generally end up with men who are equal partners.

Because he thinks that's your job. Amd beneath him. And that, means, he's a sexist arsehole.

Delegating as much as possible probably helps him get ahead at work. It’s shitty for him to treat his wife like that though. Some people can’t switch out of work mode.

YANBU

Mine had a coniption last night after DS3 spilt something, couldn't figure out where to start apparently, looking at me for answers.

I asked him, " what would you do at work if something like this happened? "
That seemed to begrudgingly inspire him.

Useless, the lot of them are just useless.

YANBU. I feel the same about my DH sometimes… he is an unbelievable faffer at home. Everything is insane detail and takes absolutely ages. He tells me people at work can’t keep up with him!!! I think he’s deluded.

"Honestly, the only thing that saves our marriage really is the realisation that most men are like this, but probably also worse in other ways (my husband is caring and pulls his weight in other ways)."

Many men may well be like this, but I don't think it's most. My dad wasn't. My husband isn't. My FIL isn't.

If your husband plays the strategic incompetence card - don't play. I'd have left him to go to the DIY store alone. The trip is only needed because of previous incompetence on his part, I'd let him dig himself out of the hole of his own making. Or not, if he's incapable <shrugs>. If you keep making up for his shortfall, he'll keep falling short.

@SchoolShenanigans and @Putyourdamnshoeson

Whilst in my experience you're right, most men are sexist like this and leave drudge work to women; there is another option available rather than just accept they're mostly shit- being single is marvellous. It isn't mandatory to have a man.

Spot on @Mumsanetta

@YourExcellency
The husband (you?) doesn't need telling, or if he does then he is really really thick; he knows full well he's leaving all the drudge to his wife, and he doesn't care.

OP is he a bigamist? Cos I think I'm married to him too. Same silliness, every day. I have a wall calendar and he never fills anything so i still need to run things past him, he then could double book himself and tell me that ifs cos he forgot to check the calendar. If I ask about something specific like collecting kids on X day cos I have appt he will say OK but you need to remind me on the day. We have had rows over this, i say I'm reminding you now. He loses everything, puts things back in the wrong place (improving on this) and never has knowledge of what he just did. Eg did you turn the oven off? I have no idea. Did you strap the child in properly? Probably, don't remember - we'd better check. I feel he is so unreliable.
I have to use office based analogies to get through. Literally dumbed down. Eg imagine the scissors is a doc from your Z file and someone put it in Y, that's how I feel about this drawer. Or imagine the child's seat is a vital signature on this file, wouldn't it be important to remember if you signed it??

He sounds like the pillock manager I once had. He was constantly going after the latest bright shiny idea, ignoring anyone who pointed out the pitfalls, and making his minions do all the work so that they became deeply unpopular for pushing each shitshow through. By the time the latest idea had been demonstrated not to work, usually after throwing thousands of pounds at it, he was on to the next thing; if he acknowledged in any way that the last initiative hadn't succeeded, it was always on the basis that everyone else had cocked up. Ultimately members of our department saw the writing on the wall and decamped en masse, idiot manager was desperate not to acknowledge that we were any loss, and he recruited as replacements virtually the first people to turn up, who quickly attracted record complaints and negligence claims. Surprise, surprise, the company went down the tubes not long after. We always used to wonder why his wife stayed with him, maybe we should have felt more sorry for her.

Hit a nerve there hinny?

BUT....somebody is raising these men.

Two perspectives, either when it's work he's more engaged or he delegated quite a bit to other staff members.

I've been talking about this recently as I've recently been involved in organising a trip that is primarily Men (special interest/hobby thing).

They are all professionals, managing directors, business owners, directors, responsible and presumably capable Men. When it comes to their travel plans though it's like I'm everyone's wife or secretary. God forbid even ONE of them manages to find his original confirmation email if he has a query, instead of just constantly asking me what time they go / what date they go / how much they've paid / when they pay the rest etc etc etc.

🙄

@Putyourdamnshoeson do you never go away by yourself and leave him in charge of the kids?

i find this is the most effective way to keep balance in what family day to day stuff DH sees and takes responsibility for and also makes him appreciative of what I do.

book a weekend by yourself away now.

DONT prep everything eg food for him. Just go.

then do it regularly.

i likewise prioritise going to the gym, seeing my friends. and leave DH to bedtime or getting the kids up and out to school

be ruthless.

I’m firm with DH on what he needs to do and throw him in the deep end to solo parent regularly.

and I’ve done this since I went back to work after May leave with dc1 (I insisted he did a day a week of childcare for the first six months I was back. He didn’t want to (embarrassed to say so at work but I made it a red line.) it set us up for a fairer if not 50/50 family life.

but I accept I’ll always carry more of the mental load. And serious parenting.

but I’m better at it.

and it also means I get to shape our kids and family life more.

so I prioritise my efforts on the things that are important to me.

i reduce and manage out things DH says he wants but takes no steps towards eg sending DD to a regular sport class. She doesn’t want to, and I’m not going to use all my (pretty good) parenting techniques to motivate her.

@askmenow
Well, it's essentially the children of @Putyourdamnshoeson and @SchoolShenanigans and a few others isnt it?
They see this behaviour modelled by the mum and dad, the mum hangs on because it's not 'that bad', and they go on to repeat the cycle as adults. If they're boys they become their dad, if they're women they become their mum. And so the circle continues.

There is one poster on here above who doesn't see this in men, but crucially her parents weren't like it, so ergo she found a husband who wasn't. And that, brilliant cycle, carries on circling.

My exh manages a multi million pound budget, 20 staff, world renowned in field yet fails miserably on normal family life stuff, I'm still helping him out despite being split for years because he simply can't cope with ordinary things, it's like his brain is wired differently (he's probably autistic but they didn't diagnose when we were small at the lesser severity)

Exactly this. The amount of ineptitude at work is something else. The lower staff are the ones doing the actual work.

re the "more expensive and time consuming route" for your house task. Some people take pride in that. My late father was one of them, otherwise it might not have struck me. They see an innate virtue in taking a harder path.