Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why won’t my potential SIL speak to me?

204 replies

Alloo · 03/05/2023 11:50

Hi everyone,

I’m pretty new here and looking for some advice.

Background
I have been with my husband for 5 years and married for 2. We have a 6 month old baby now too. Hubby has 2 brothers, one older and one younger. The younger one has been with his girlfriend approx. same amount of time as me and hubby whilst older brother has just got a new girlfriend - they have been dating for 1.5 years. We have met the new girlfriend on a total of 5 times at family occasions (one being our own wedding).

Since me and new gf have met I feel she has been really off with me.

Reasoning
New gf seems to make plans with me but either cancels or it doesn’t go ahead, or she just doesn’t respond. For example; my baby shower - I invited her as well as all the other family both on my side and hubby’s as well as close friends. I thought it was nice to invite her as my BIL’s partner especially since they have spoken about getting married and wanting kids, I thought it would make her feel involved. She declined as she was going on holiday (which ended up not happening) and ended up going on a night out at night time, when my baby shower was an afternoon. Another example is that I invited her to my birthday a few months back, but again she declined as she was going on holiday but that got cancelled and still declined to come to my event. I could go on but I have lost count how many times this has happened. However when hubby/BIL’s parents arrange something, she 9/10 goes. Same with younger brother and his gf, she goes.

Sorting
So I did the adult thing and text her asking to meet up or arrange a 5 minute call just the 2 of us and that I would go out to her to save her coming to my home.
She responded asking what it was about. I responded saying that it wasn’t anything to worry about but that I just didn’t want to text and would rather an in person chat or phone call. She then asked again what it was about and to text her as she is busy all week at work and after work. I said that’s ok can we arrange next week as it’s not urgent but it’s important to me. She responded saying she was genuinely busy and that we can MAYBE chat next week. I said that’s fine, it’s just something I don’t want to text as texts can be taken the wrong way.

Feelings
I don’t know how to feel. She’s making me feel a certain way and my husband has also said his older brother feels distant and doesn’t feel as close since he met his gf.

I am also bothered that I have spoke to my MIL recently and she has made plans to see the older son, gf, and gf’s parents.

Has anyone experienced something similar?

I feel so down about it and feel like she won’t speak to me to sort this out!

OP posts:
AlisonDonut · 03/05/2023 11:51

Leave her alone. She isn't interested.

KirstenBlest · 03/05/2023 11:52

She doesn't want to be your friend. Leave her alone. You probably don't have much in common.

TeaStory · 03/05/2023 11:56

She doesn’t like you and/or doesn’t want to be friends.

Demanding her attention, inviting yourself into her home, and refusing to tell her why isn’t ‘adult’ at all.

She can’t ‘make’ you feel anything.

IhearyouClemFandango · 03/05/2023 11:58

There's nothing to sort tbh, shes amicable and part of your extended family.

YellowDiamondInTheSky · 03/05/2023 11:59

YABU.

She doesn’t have to be your friend just because your husband and her boyfriend happen to be brothers. She should be polite and friendly, and you should invite each other to occasions where other members of the family are invited, but you don’t need to be hanging out together.

Also, the whole texting to say you need to talk but not saying what about - not cool. You come across really badly there and that is no way to sort it. I would similarly blow you off or tell you to just text me.

HairyKitty · 03/05/2023 11:59

Keep inviting her to your family occasions, this is good and healthy, but why are you expecting her to be your friend? She’s your husband sil not your friend. A friendship may or may not develop but I don’t understand why you think it should.

Original poster
Alloo · 03/05/2023 12:01

@TeaStory hi there, ok that came across as really rude. I have demanded anyones attention and she herself has said numerous times hubby and I should see her house, but she doesn’t follow through. I totally understand she has no interest I’ve made that clear in my message. I take it you’ve never felt like a black sheep or had postnatal depression? That must be nice.

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 03/05/2023 12:01

Feels like you are trying way too hard..... I wouldn't be keen on so much pressure from my boyfriend's SIL either.

WaltzingWaters · 03/05/2023 12:02

Just relax. Keep things friendly and meet at big gatherings, but no need to try and be her bff if it’s not happening naturally.

Im not close with my SIL. We see each other at group events. We’re amicable with each other. That’s enough. We don’t have much in common and are quite different people, but will always be friendly to each other.

Doggydarling · 03/05/2023 12:02

If I was her and you text looking to meet but refused to say why etc I'd ignore you. You sound quite demanding, so what if she meets with some members of your dh family and not others? Maybe she prefers them. Leave her alone, she's your bil's gf, there's no need ir requirement for you to be friends. She's made excuses to not attend events you invited her to, take the hint.

hourbyhour101 · 03/05/2023 12:02

Well ok previous posters have a point. But it could be something random

I did this with a friend of mine, and it was because she was pregnant (I was happy for her) but had faced yet another loss and I just couldn't mask or be around babies at the time. It wasn't because of her, it was just at that moment I couldn't put a face on it. I also didn't want to announce again that things had gone wrong and got that "sad" pity face people do.

I'm not saying what I did was right and I explained many years down the line but if she's someone like me, you feel a awful amount of shame for "losing a baby" I hate that term btw. That shame threefold when you have to talk about it.

You never know what's going down in someone's life. It's rarely about you per say, usually that person needs a break. For whatever reason

VainAbigail · 03/05/2023 12:04

Answer
You’re over invested in her. She’s not interested. The way you wouldn’t explain what it was you wanted to speak about is annoying and childish.

Solution
Leave her alone and crack on with your own life. She’s not interested in being a part of yours.

TeaStory · 03/05/2023 12:05

Alloo · 03/05/2023 12:01

@TeaStory hi there, ok that came across as really rude. I have demanded anyones attention and she herself has said numerous times hubby and I should see her house, but she doesn’t follow through. I totally understand she has no interest I’ve made that clear in my message. I take it you’ve never felt like a black sheep or had postnatal depression? That must be nice.

I was trying to be succinct.

You did demand to speak with her and kept pushing when she tried to put you off.

Yes I have been the black sheep amongst family & friends - so I went out and developed better relationships (including with myself).

No I haven’t had PND and I don’t see that you mentioned it in your OP.

readbooksdrinktea · 03/05/2023 12:05

You're trying too hard. Step back. As PP said, you're her boyfriend's SIL. Nothing needs 'sorting'. Also odd to call her 'new girlfriend' after 1.5 years tbh.

YellowDiamondInTheSky · 03/05/2023 12:05

Also, I’m confused about your point about your MIL. Are you seriously complaining that she saw the girlfriend and her parents after you told her how you feel? Did you expect her to cut her out or something?

AuntieMarys · 03/05/2023 12:05

WaltzingWaters · 03/05/2023 12:02

Just relax. Keep things friendly and meet at big gatherings, but no need to try and be her bff if it’s not happening naturally.

Im not close with my SIL. We see each other at group events. We’re amicable with each other. That’s enough. We don’t have much in common and are quite different people, but will always be friendly to each other.

Exactly. When my brother dies, I'll never see again.

Lullabies2Paralyze · 03/05/2023 12:07

Does she maybe know you somehow from somewhere in past? Maybe she dated one of your exes or her best friend knew
you at school and didn’t like you?
sometimes people hold weird grudges for years

i think inviting her to family things is nice but like others have said, don’t force yourself on her….they’re not married yet and haven’t been together for years so she’s not even official family really.

maybe next time you’re all together with other members of in-laws you could try arrange something then, see what she says when others are around too. or if you hear them talking about somewhere they went you could make a point of saying that it sounds lovely and you’d love to go along too next time they do something like that.

also, if she’s not keen on baby shower or doing things with your baby it could be that she has fertility issues and doesn’t want to be around pregnant women/new babies as it’s too painful for her ?

Fladdermus · 03/05/2023 12:07

Sorry, I agree with the others. The refusing to tell her what you wanted to talk about isn't adult, it's weird and manipulative and I wouldn't tolerate it either.

JulieHoney · 03/05/2023 12:07

She’s not that into you.

Texting and refusing to say what you want to discuss with her is ridiculous. I wouldn’t engage in that either. You’ve invited her to things and she’s declined. Accept that and move on.

You don’t have to be friends, you are acquaintances. As long as you can both be pleasant at events involving your in-laws, nothing more is required of either of you.

Dogs4Ever · 03/05/2023 12:08

Maybe she's anxious or socially insecure. I would hate to meet up with my SIL individually because it gives me huge anxiety - but NO one else in the family knows and you would never imagine it of me as I come across as the most socially confident person. I'm not. I would also be terrified if you wanted to meet me but wouldn't say why.

Erex · 03/05/2023 12:09

It sounds like she's gently tried to make it into an amicable relationship where you occasionally see each other at family gatherings and get on well. Since you've been so pushy, it sounds like she's having to try to get the point across more, although I have to say she's been very patient.
Someone continuing to text and ask me for a call or meet up when I've made my lack of interest very clear in a polite way, would have had a "please leave me alone" by now. Perhaps she knows why you want to talk and doesn't want to say outright that she doesn't want a close relationship?

Her parents meeting MIL is irrelevant, my parents have met my in laws and we go to visit them. SIL (DP's brother's gf) is lovely and we see each other if she comes to a family gathering, but I wouldn't make an effort to see her otherwise, even though I like her. I'm just not interested in being friends and she seems happy with that too.

Skybluepinky · 03/05/2023 12:10

Not everyone gets on, she doesn’t have to do things with u.

BreviloquentBastard · 03/05/2023 12:10

Yeah no way I'd be going somewhere for "a chat" with someone I've only met a few times if they were being all weird and cloak and dagger about what they wanted to talk about.

Maybe she's just introverted. Maybe she's got plenty of friends and isn't interested in making a new one. Maybe she's totally happy only seeing you at family events and isn't interested in cultivating a closer relationship with you. Maybe she thinks you're a pushy cow and is trying to avoid you because you're trying too hard. Maybe as she's still relatively new to meeting the family she's not keen on getting too embroiled just yet. Maybe she just simply doesn't like you. Maybe she really is a very busy person!

Whatever the reason you can't demand someone's attention like this, insisting on meeting up but refusing to tell her why is absolutely not the "adult thing to do". It's weird. Leave her be, let her come to family stuff if she wants to, leave it at that.

CalistoNoSolo · 03/05/2023 12:10

Jesus, just leave the poor woman alone. I wouldn't want to meet up.with you one to one if you didn't tell me why. She doesn't like you, it's allowed, deal with it.

LightDrizzle · 03/05/2023 12:10

Pinning her down to a “chat” about it won’t clear the air, it will just make things more awkward.

It was nice of you to include her in these invites but don’t fixate on why she hasn’t come. Reasons could but may not include:

  • a little jealousy over you marrying or having a baby if she wants one
  • not wanting to start a level of intimacy she might not have the time or inclination to maintain over time, potentially giving offence to you un the future
  • she’s busy and feels she doesn’t give enough time to existing friends and her blood family so feels reluctant to get too involved with her boyfriends on top.
  • she doesn’t feel you have a lot in common beyond the fact you are in relationships with brothers.
You are now coming across as a bit intense and she won’t be looking to this chat one little bit. Is message to say: “No worries about trying to catch-up before the next family gathering. I see you then x”

What on earth were you expecting this discussion to achieve? There’s no good result that I can see. You now need to back off and just be friendly at family gatherings without seeking her out. That may help her relax around you.

There is nothing to sort out, you have mismatched expectations.