Why won’t my potential SIL speak to me?

[Alloo]

Hi everyone,

I’m pretty new here and looking for some advice.

Background
I have been with my husband for 5 years and married for 2. We have a 6 month old baby now too. Hubby has 2 brothers, one older and one younger. The younger one has been with his girlfriend approx. same amount of time as me and hubby whilst older brother has just got a new girlfriend - they have been dating for 1.5 years. We have met the new girlfriend on a total of 5 times at family occasions (one being our own wedding).

Since me and new gf have met I feel she has been really off with me.

Reasoning
New gf seems to make plans with me but either cancels or it doesn’t go ahead, or she just doesn’t respond. For example; my baby shower - I invited her as well as all the other family both on my side and hubby’s as well as close friends. I thought it was nice to invite her as my BIL’s partner especially since they have spoken about getting married and wanting kids, I thought it would make her feel involved. She declined as she was going on holiday (which ended up not happening) and ended up going on a night out at night time, when my baby shower was an afternoon. Another example is that I invited her to my birthday a few months back, but again she declined as she was going on holiday but that got cancelled and still declined to come to my event. I could go on but I have lost count how many times this has happened. However when hubby/BIL’s parents arrange something, she 9/10 goes. Same with younger brother and his gf, she goes.

Sorting
So I did the adult thing and text her asking to meet up or arrange a 5 minute call just the 2 of us and that I would go out to her to save her coming to my home.
She responded asking what it was about. I responded saying that it wasn’t anything to worry about but that I just didn’t want to text and would rather an in person chat or phone call. She then asked again what it was about and to text her as she is busy all week at work and after work. I said that’s ok can we arrange next week as it’s not urgent but it’s important to me. She responded saying she was genuinely busy and that we can MAYBE chat next week. I said that’s fine, it’s just something I don’t want to text as texts can be taken the wrong way.

Feelings
I don’t know how to feel. She’s making me feel a certain way and my husband has also said his older brother feels distant and doesn’t feel as close since he met his gf.

I am also bothered that I have spoke to my MIL recently and she has made plans to see the older son, gf, and gf’s parents.

Has anyone experienced something similar?

I feel so down about it and feel like she won’t speak to me to sort this out!

The weird text/call request is really inappropriate, I'd be steering well clear of anyone who contacted me in that way, I can imagine a thread from her POV on that one

Are there cultural issues involved at all? Why/how are you policing her behaviour around things you invite her to, I can't think that any of this is healthy for your mental state

Oh, so do you call people a cunt to their face then, or do you only reserve such abuse for the internet?

Your all family so it wouldnt hurt her to put abit of effort in. Is she not thinking of her brother?

You have to nurture family relationships unless you want them to go pear shaped. See plenty of problems on here.

Im not suprised you want to talk on the phone, somethings arent for text, sadly some people are not capable of talking on the phone these days.

Get the hint op. She is not interested in being friends with you.

She is dating your partner’s brother - that’s it. She does not owe you her time, energy or anything other than polite engagement at social functions. You seem controlling and fixated on cultivating an intimacy that doesn’t exist, based on your own expectations of familial bonds. Stop
it. I absolutely would have been ruder to you than this lady had you wasted my time with adolescent demands to ‘sort it out’ with cloak and dagger texts. What do you expect will come of any conversations? Does she have to literally tell you ‘I’m not interested in being close with my boyfriend’s brother’s wife?’ Are you so socially clumsy you are going to make her spell it out instead of taking the cues she’s given by politely not attending events you’ve invited her to. It’s you that’s in the wrong here, and you need to do a little self reflection about why this woman’s reasonable indifference is hurting you so badly.

Sorry you sound a little odd. I only see my sil at family occasions always have fun and friendly when we do other than that we don't exactly go out to be best buddies.Some people say they wana meet,visit etc just to be polite thinking it's expected. Just leave it your over thinking it 🙂

She is your bil's girl friend. She doesn't need to be your friend if she doesn't want to.
I think best way is to let her be. Don't force her to befriend you. It will back fire and she will distance from you even more, if you keep pursuing her.

I’d just leave it now, it already sounds too awkward.

@Alloo Every time you do this you're just upsetting yourself.

Match the effort someone else is putting in to a relationship with the level you put in yourself.

I know from my own experience that you'll feel a lot better for it.

If you're constantly the one reaching out to someone, it can seem too intense to others, plus we end up feeling rejected.

My BIL has had many serious girlfriends over the years. Some who looked like they could be marrying in. I've never spent one on one time with them.

You are being way too intense. Back off. You don't need to spend time with her.

I don't socialise with DH's brother's wife, or DH's sister. We have nothing in common. I will next probably see them at MIL/FIL's funeral 🤷

Maybe she finds people who say 'hubby' a bit irritating.

New gf seems to make plans with me

No she does not make any plans with you.

YOU make plans, she politely declines to take part.

You sound incredibly pushy and entitled; that could explain why she doesn't want to spend time with you.

What your MIL does with other people is none of your business.

You’re trying too hard. You want to be her friend and it’s coming off as a bit clingy. You expect that you’re entitled to friendship because she’s your ‘potential SIL’ and you’ve pushed her away but being too much. Even your text about wanting 5 minutes of her time… she’s brushing you off because it’s not the done thing, it’s not normal and she’s not feeling it.

Take a breather. Stop texting and calling. Stop inviting. Be friendly when you see them and hope things improve over time.

And please for your own sake DO NOT have that 5 minute ‘chat’! Things will be said that can’t be unsaid, your feeling will be hurt, you will embarrass yourself and it will likely impact your husbands relationship with his brother. if she ever asks what it was about, make something up… husband surprise bday or something!!

OP I have been with DH 15 years and rarely seen my SILs. One lives 5 minutes walk from me. We all have our own lives. It's nice you invite and include her but equally she doesn't need to go. Truth is I would rather spend time with my friends than SILs. I am sure they feel the same way too about me. It's not that I dislike them. I just have my own life and they have theres. I have had PND and been the black sheep (DH is the black sheep too) but still don't do this. You might have meant well but you asking to talk to her without giving a reason does come across iffy. They also have a right to visit your in laws whenever. Honestly not getting overly involved is a good thing as you don't get involved in drama either.

Sounds like she doesn’t like you. That or maybe there is a rivalry between the brothers that you don’t know about. Otherwise, I’d stop flogging that dead horse and walk on your own two feet without her.

You don’t need to do as much as you’re doing. Maybe she just doesn’t want to go to your events and that is fine. It’s nice you’re inviting her and including her in your family events and I don’t think you should stop.

However, calling her to try ‘sort’ it is too much. What would she say if she’s being honest? That she doesn’t prioritise you over her friends/social life? Why would she? She might find it all a bit much to attend all the family events as well as working and having her own social life. Calling to sort it imo seems quite aggressive and if I were her I would be really irritated.

She’s not your extended family & she’s not your SIL technically. You need to chill.

You might even be putting her off being your SiL and so damaging their relationship.

Truth is I would rather spend time with my friends than SILs. I am sure they feel the same way too about me. It's not that I dislike them. I just have my own life and they have there’s

same here. There is nothing wrong with my SIL at all but I prefer spending time with my friends who I chose to be my friends as we have far more in common. It’s nice you are inviting her but please stop taking it so personally. I wouldn’t feel comfortable spending 1:1 time with my SIL either because we just don’t have anything in common. She’s perfectly nice but just not someone I’d choose to spend time with. I’d be really freaked out if she wanted a chat about why - it’s really not that deep or complex and it doesn’t need examining. Not everyone is going to like everyone and there is nothing wrong with that. A discussion won’t suddenly make her adore you, in fact, it’s far more likely to make her feel even more uncomfortable and create more distance.

Just drop it. It’s not going to end well if you carry on down this road.

YABU and it's probably bad for your mental health to be so caught up in this.

You've extended some offers of potential friendship, for whatever reason they've been declined. Rather than getting stuck on this situation, why not put your energy in to making friends with people who want to be your friends and enjoying activities with your baby? You don't need this one person to approve of you in order to be happy.

Plenty of people aren't close with even their own siblings' partners, so it's not a big deal. Just keep your future interactions with her light and in the context of wider family events.

Agree that you are being way too much. Abandon the plan to call her to discuss why she doesn't want to spend time with you. I would die if my SIL did that. It's fine that she doesn't want to spend time with you, and intense that you are demanding that she set time aside to talk to you about it.

You don't need to be friends, you're extended family. You need to be friendly enough at Christmas and that's about it. By any chance does your family have quite gender traditional roles? I've found that some families assume that all the womenfolk will get on and be friends, I guess as some precursor to raising children and cooking big dinners together. I don't know many sisters who expect their husbands to hang out together. The fact that you married into the same family is not a reason to spend time together.

You need to stop pushing this. She isn’t obligated to spend time with you. Asking to meet up for a chat is really pushy and demanding and inappropriate when she’s made it clear that she’s not keen to spend time together for whatever reason. It would also make me feel super uncomfortable if someone insisted on meeting to talk face to face but wouldn’t tell me what it was about. It’s like being summoned to the headmasters office or something. Not nice.

There is nothing to "sort out"

She is a relatively new girlfriend and doesn't want to come to all the extended family side events. It's not up to you to force the issue.

It is kind of you to invite her, keep doing that, maybe sometime she will join you. But it sounds like the family as a whole is demanding a lot of her time, and that may not just be how she rolls or what she is up for at present, being an adult, with a job and a life outside her relationship with your BIL.

She just hasn't been able to come to the stuff you've organised. If you pursue her about this you will seem utterly self-centred.

Kindly, this isn't about you - leave her be

I genuinely don't understand the timeline on this. She was at your wedding 2 years ago?

And dating your BiL for 1.5 years? But he 'just got a new girlfriend'?

Can someone help me with my comprehension lapse, please. It could well be me, as I have started some new medication. Thank you.

From OP: 'I have been with my husband for 5 years and married for 2. We have a 6 month old baby now too. Hubby has 2 brothers, one older and one younger. The younger one has been with his girlfriend approx. same amount of time as me and hubby whilst older brother has just got a new girlfriend - they have been dating for 1.5 years. We have met the new girlfriend on a total of 5 times at family occasions (one being our own wedding).'

I think you sound too intense. You are also at different life stages, you are married with a child and she is single and dating - you mention her as a potential SIL but don’t mention if they live together and it doesn’t sound like they are engaged, so I think you are massively jumping the gun and potentially placing additional pressure on their relationship. You don’t mention whether you work outside the home but mention that she works, so obviously that will take up lots of her time, then she will be seeing her friends, seeing her boyfriend etc. She doesn’t owe you an explanation for declining the invitation to the baby shower and other invitations. Take the pressure off and let the relationship grow (or not) more naturally.