Why won’t my potential SIL speak to me?

[Alloo]

Hi everyone,

I’m pretty new here and looking for some advice.

Background
I have been with my husband for 5 years and married for 2. We have a 6 month old baby now too. Hubby has 2 brothers, one older and one younger. The younger one has been with his girlfriend approx. same amount of time as me and hubby whilst older brother has just got a new girlfriend - they have been dating for 1.5 years. We have met the new girlfriend on a total of 5 times at family occasions (one being our own wedding).

Since me and new gf have met I feel she has been really off with me.

Reasoning
New gf seems to make plans with me but either cancels or it doesn’t go ahead, or she just doesn’t respond. For example; my baby shower - I invited her as well as all the other family both on my side and hubby’s as well as close friends. I thought it was nice to invite her as my BIL’s partner especially since they have spoken about getting married and wanting kids, I thought it would make her feel involved. She declined as she was going on holiday (which ended up not happening) and ended up going on a night out at night time, when my baby shower was an afternoon. Another example is that I invited her to my birthday a few months back, but again she declined as she was going on holiday but that got cancelled and still declined to come to my event. I could go on but I have lost count how many times this has happened. However when hubby/BIL’s parents arrange something, she 9/10 goes. Same with younger brother and his gf, she goes.

Sorting
So I did the adult thing and text her asking to meet up or arrange a 5 minute call just the 2 of us and that I would go out to her to save her coming to my home.
She responded asking what it was about. I responded saying that it wasn’t anything to worry about but that I just didn’t want to text and would rather an in person chat or phone call. She then asked again what it was about and to text her as she is busy all week at work and after work. I said that’s ok can we arrange next week as it’s not urgent but it’s important to me. She responded saying she was genuinely busy and that we can MAYBE chat next week. I said that’s fine, it’s just something I don’t want to text as texts can be taken the wrong way.

Feelings
I don’t know how to feel. She’s making me feel a certain way and my husband has also said his older brother feels distant and doesn’t feel as close since he met his gf.

I am also bothered that I have spoke to my MIL recently and she has made plans to see the older son, gf, and gf’s parents.

Has anyone experienced something similar?

I feel so down about it and feel like she won’t speak to me to sort this out!

Honestly OP in the kindest way she has her own life and her own friend and it sounds like she isn’t that interested in being your friend. It probably isn’t personal. I am guessing she feels obligated to see her MiL and so does more to keep the peace but you are different people at different stages of your life.

I think pushing her like this is just going to make her back further and further away. Try and relax - ask her to family gatherings and accept you don’t have much in common.

Id never go to an event with my SIL nice as she is as I’m busy enough and have my own friends. Happy to see her on family occasions but I am pretty precious about my free time. Perhaps she is similar.

It was kind of you to invite her to things but she showed you her priorities when she didn't go.
Don't waste time trying to get a perfect SIL relationship with her, it isn't going to happen & certainly won't if you insist on going round for 'a chat'.That sounds like a VERY bad idea & wouldn't be forgotten about!
Concentrate on your own friends & just see her when you see her.

Inviting her to baby shower was nice but she was due to go on hols. Your birthday invite is a bit odd it’s usually just friends and immediate family.
I’d have found your wanting to chat privately odd.
You aren’t friends. You barely know each other. You are in territory of polite if you see each other. If there’s a family party I’d invite her with Bil eg christening but other than that you won’t see her really will you maybe Christmas at in laws.

A lot of people think all serious conversations should be done in person so there are no misunderstandings. But I don't handle confrontation well so that wouldn't work for me.

The SIL doesn't sound introverted to me.

She sounds like she has a busy, fulfilling life, and doesn't feel the need to create another relationship.

I am introverted, but I also have lots of friends. My husband is extroverted but has far fewer friends.

He still occasionally turns down invites "just because".

My SIL is wonderful. But she isn't my friend.

Gently OP, you're coming on too strong. She doesn't want to be close to you. That isn't a reflection on you as a person. Maybe you're just very different people.
Or maybe you organise things she has no interest in.
Just leave her be. There's nothing to sort.

I know it's hard having a baby and dealing with PND, that may be changing your view a bit. But the fact you refer to her as 'potential SIL' (she's just a girlfriend) - maybe you think she should be close, as family?

We all have busy lives, there are only 4 weekends a month. And you're both at different life stages.

Also her saying you both should 'see the house' ... I wouldn't take that comment literally. It's just something you say to be polite.
Btw if my future SIL messaged me personally I wouldn't respond - I'd direct her to my fiancé. Sending a message like that comes across a bit manipulative.

Poor woman, she clearly has nothing in common with you and I can see her point

I'd be looking for excuses to avoid baby showers and "hubby" owners.

She is not interested in being friends with you, but for whatever reason doesn't feel that she can give you a brush off, so invents excuses like holidays, and probably feels very uncomfortable.
You've been welcoming, and you don't need to do anymore.
The thing about seeing the house is just something she is saying to be polite, she doesn't mean it.
You have done nothing wrong at all, the only thing that you should have done is that you should have called her rather than texting her to arrange a time to speak because you are making a bigger deal than you need by doing that. That said, there is no need to make the phone call at all, she has been clear and there is nothing to clear up.

I think there is the potential for you both to be closer in the future @Alloo if you accept what she is prepared to give at the moment (which doesn't seem unreasonable).

I think if you make a 'thing' of it, you are probably closing the door on that possibility. She would be forever wary of you.

Hi OP I'm going to go against the grain here and say that you've made a nice effort, which is kind of you, and appropriate given you could share children who are cousins in the future etc, and it does sound like she's not being very friendly back, but I have been in this position too and it's normally just where the other person is not really in the same place as you.
She has maybe come from a family where in laws aren't close, and so she doesn't feel a need to be close with you and so she might feel a bit awkward about your efforts.

My SIL is my husbands sister, and she's a couple of years older than DH and I.
When I got with DH she was pleasant but never really made an effort, it used to upset me but I think she's insecure and she's a bit jealous and competitive with my DH, she why would she wanna know me?

Usually people are like this when they have other shit going on, I really wouldn't take it personally. Just try and see your friends more and don't assume she should be a friend too.

It sounds like she has her own busy life, even if plans sometimes get cancelled, and that isn't centred around extended family. I wouldn't be very enthusiastic about a hen do/baby shower where I didn't know any of the bride/mother's friends. I did go to one SIL's hen do, was the oldest by miles, had very little in common with her friends and felt like a total fish out of water!

Sorry but I really hate it when people want to talk but won’t say anything in a message, not even what it is regarding.

She doesn't want to spend her time or energy on you. She's not obligated to like or spend time on/with everyone in her boyfriend's family. She's not doing anything wrong. Just get on with your life.

Separately, it's very creepy texting someone to arrange a time to talk to them and not tell them what it's about but that they shouldn't worry! (1) who said she was worried (2) if it's that big a deal, spit it out (3) if it's not that big a deal, why bother? This is weird, manipulative machinations. Talk, don't talk. Cut the pussy-footing around. Nobody has time for that.

To add a point nobody has made yet (I think), re: family get togethers, they can be cliquey as hell.

It's not even necessarily about you, OP. It's about fitting in with a whole bunch of relatives.

My MIL is close to her cousins and they have a rota of get togethers. But really, about 7-8 of the twenty invited are very close friends and meet regularly. The rest of us rub along well enough as spare parts, all forgetting what we do for a living, and having absolutely no relationship. It's incredibly tedious to attend, because some of these friendships are decades old, and I'm just the nice girl who married Jane's son, what is it you do again?

It's even there in the title of the thread "potential SIL". SIL is a "rank" she hasn't yet attained. Instead of being a woman you want to know because you like her personality, your wanting her is conditional on her potential.

I don’t think OP will be back as this thread hasn’t gone the way she thought it would.

Your BILs GF obviously isn’t taking your self appointed position as top dog seriously @Alloo. Wow, it must be because she is soooo jealous of you?

Or maybe she doesn’t particularly like you? Or isn’t that interested in cultivating anything other than passing acquaintance with?

You honestly think it’s OK to harass and bully her into some kind of showdown? I’m not surprised she’s been giving you a wide berth.

She sees right through you doesn’t she?

@hourbyhour101 totally spot on!

Are you Kate Middleton writing when Meghan was new in town?

in just echoing others, you’re coming on a bit strong and odd and trying to create a friendship in a loose family connection.

if you had text me refusing to tell me why you wanted to speak, but insisting it happened then I wouldn’t want to speak to you at all

Yeah I would avoid ‘talking it out’ with you too. Imagine getting a text off your new boyfriend’s brother’s wife asking to meet but not telling you what she wants to talk about. That’s odd OP.

In a nutshell she doesn’t seem overly keen on being good friends and that’s fine. I get on with my SILs but we’re not close and I don’t want to be. You need to accept that and move on.

Why were you being so cryptic? I would have run a mile from you too. No one wants to arrange a phone call or meet for a few minutes like that, it’s bizarre

You calling her a new gf but then saying she came to your wedding 2 yrs ago so obviously been dating a while. If this attitude is coming across to sil she may pick up on it.
She may also have fertility issues or be upset she’s not pg hence not wanting to be at baby shower or birthday where chat may be baby centred. Any plans for children can be a question lots don’t want to answer for good reasons.

She’s making me feel a certain way and my husband has also said his older brother feels distant and doesn’t feel as close since he met his gf.

Well, she obviously does not want to spend time with you for whatever reason, and his brother seems to not want to spend time with your DH recently either (since he met the new gf).

So heres a whole new can of worms for you. Any chance your DH (or her) flirted/did something which may have been construed as inappropriate, hence the 2 of them just politely avoiding you both.

I very much doubt its that, but you sending her cryptic messages about needing to talk about something you can't discuss by text probably has her thinking 'oh shit' and avoiding that by any means.

personally i'd just leave her alone. invite her to family stuff but stop worrying about if she doesn't come. Perhaps she quite simply is quite shy and would've felt uncomfortable at a baby shower or birthday where she didn't know anyone. Or perhaps you're just a bit much for her.
but leave the poor woman alone.

I think a few posters are being harsh here.

The girlfriend is clearly avoiding you without a doubt.

I think it is nice that you have tried to get to the bottom of why incase you have upset her in someway but she clearly doesn’t want to tell you what the issue is.

However you cannot change her only your reaction to her. I’m assuming she is civil at these gatherings and I’d urge you to be the same.

Can your husband not talk to his brother and casually ask why they never accept your invites?

I have been in your SiLs shoes (sort of) and I only (like her) turned up to events that I really had to. Let’s just say the company was not my cup of tea……….

And whats that got to do with anything?

Your PND is entirely your issue not your BIL girlfriends problem and nothing at all to do with her being busy... you can't blame something like that on random people and pulling that card on PP shows a lot about your true colors.

You're honestly kind of starting to sound like a controlling and manipulative bully. Why do you expect the rest of the family to have any involvement in the faux drama you are making?

Shes busy and not your friend, back of and leave her alone you are not entitled to anything from her and she is not 'doing' anything to you by living her life.