Why won’t my potential SIL speak to me?

[Alloo]

Hi everyone,

I’m pretty new here and looking for some advice.

Background
I have been with my husband for 5 years and married for 2. We have a 6 month old baby now too. Hubby has 2 brothers, one older and one younger. The younger one has been with his girlfriend approx. same amount of time as me and hubby whilst older brother has just got a new girlfriend - they have been dating for 1.5 years. We have met the new girlfriend on a total of 5 times at family occasions (one being our own wedding).

Since me and new gf have met I feel she has been really off with me.

Reasoning
New gf seems to make plans with me but either cancels or it doesn’t go ahead, or she just doesn’t respond. For example; my baby shower - I invited her as well as all the other family both on my side and hubby’s as well as close friends. I thought it was nice to invite her as my BIL’s partner especially since they have spoken about getting married and wanting kids, I thought it would make her feel involved. She declined as she was going on holiday (which ended up not happening) and ended up going on a night out at night time, when my baby shower was an afternoon. Another example is that I invited her to my birthday a few months back, but again she declined as she was going on holiday but that got cancelled and still declined to come to my event. I could go on but I have lost count how many times this has happened. However when hubby/BIL’s parents arrange something, she 9/10 goes. Same with younger brother and his gf, she goes.

Sorting
So I did the adult thing and text her asking to meet up or arrange a 5 minute call just the 2 of us and that I would go out to her to save her coming to my home.
She responded asking what it was about. I responded saying that it wasn’t anything to worry about but that I just didn’t want to text and would rather an in person chat or phone call. She then asked again what it was about and to text her as she is busy all week at work and after work. I said that’s ok can we arrange next week as it’s not urgent but it’s important to me. She responded saying she was genuinely busy and that we can MAYBE chat next week. I said that’s fine, it’s just something I don’t want to text as texts can be taken the wrong way.

Feelings
I don’t know how to feel. She’s making me feel a certain way and my husband has also said his older brother feels distant and doesn’t feel as close since he met his gf.

I am also bothered that I have spoke to my MIL recently and she has made plans to see the older son, gf, and gf’s parents.

Has anyone experienced something similar?

I feel so down about it and feel like she won’t speak to me to sort this out!

Just leave her to her own devices.
You will coincide on family gatherings and if she wants to chat with you, she will.
It sounds like you are chasing her. That is not flattering or inclusive to some kind of personalities. I do get 100% that you wanted to make her feel included, but it seems to put her off. That is her personality, likely some issues she has. I love people who make an effort to welcome others to their groups/ family. But some people do not like it. Just stop it and carry on with your normal life.
She will either jump on the bandwagon or not. But nothing at all to do with you.

I wouldn't want to go to a baby shower of someone I barely knew, and would go to your birthday only if my boyfriend wanted to go. Just let your husband sort out social things with his brother and her, if a friendships evolves naturally, great, if not, never mind.

I'd hate someone messaging me to 'talk' and not tell me what about, I wouldn't want to do this, sounds too full on.

I agree with this OP, when people don't really know someone they sure as hell aren't going to take time out of their day to meet up and discuss something with no explanation.

People are busy, they have plans. You say its your DH's younger brothers gf, if there is an age gap she may well just be at the stage where a night out with mates is a much better way to spend an evening then a baby shower of someone you don't really know.

You have met her 5 times in 1.5 years, you just aren't close and there is nothing wrong with that.

What did you realistically hope would happen with that call?

Jesus. You sound insane. Leave the poor woman alone.

I think she’s not that into you on a friendship level. Your family to her and no more.
You’re also being weirdly intense to try and push the matter with her.
Just drop it, you’ll see her a family occasions although she might try and avoid you because you’ve sort of overstepped some invisible boundaries.

Said with kindness, leave her alone. She doesnt need to be your friend or have any sort of relationship with you other than attend family events with her boyfriend - your BIL.

Ive been with DH for over 20 years and I dont have any relationship at all with his sister. Why would I? I see her one or twice a year max. Its not that I hate her, I just have nothing in common with her and I wouldnt attend her birthday party or other events without DH as I would have nothing to say to her.

Its nothing personal to you but she sees you as someone she may see at large family events but thats all and thats fine. I think you want to be part of a large family who all gets on, spends time together etc but she's not interested in this and there is nothing wrong with that.

Hi OP, really sorry to hear you have PND and that this is upsetting you.

However, I want to share that I don't think her behaviour is off. Not everyone likes everyone. She obviously feels like making the effort with others in your DH's family but not with you. The only thing you can do is accept her choices. She is a grown woman and doesn't owe you her time, or her friendship.

I think it often happens with PND that something can upset you and cause ruminative thoughts, which wouldn't upset you outside of the illness. If that's what's happening here then please try to stop worrying about this, and direct your attention to getting support with the PND - that's what's at the root of your sadness, not your DH's brother's gf.

Wish you the best of luck getting your joy back, it will happen! x

Hold on wait a second I know OPs been a bit intense.

But if she has post natal depression and clearly feeling a bit wonkey. I think it's incredibly cruel to bat around the term crazy.

You can be direct and not be cruel.

She's not responsible for your feelings OP, as PP have said she's done nothing wrong.

It sounds like you might need some counselling to help with your depression as that's what you've alluded to. Have you thought about it?

Your messages just come across really attention seeking and awkward. You’ve got something really important you need to talk to her about but you can’t say what? 🙄
You’ve made the dynamic incredibly weird for no reason.
What is this whole phone call even about? Just for you to cry ‘why don’t you like me?’ It’s totally different her attending something that the parents have arranged, that’s a family event. Attending your personal social events like birthdays is entirely different, she barely knows you, doesn’t know your friends so why would she want to go to your birthday?

Texting her for a chat and not saying why was not the adult thing to do. The adult approach is to invite her to larger gatherings and if she wants to come she will, if she doesn’t she won’t. You don’t need to be friends.

Are you Indian..(I am Indian) and there's so much pressure in Indian communities to make an effort with in laws, even in films ppl are happy families..it's hard work. Incidentally I have a sil(brothers wife) were amicable but were not friends and I've accepted it now. We are different and I think I can be difficult due to my own insecurities so we just exchange happy bday texts for example and when we visit, we are pleasant. I'm also glad they live some distance away too as the lack of friendship seems less magnified

I think you just have to let this one slide. The more you push, the more she is going to pull away. Don't force her to have a chat about it. It will only make things more awkward and make her want to run even more. Accept that you aren't close and just be pleasant when your paths cross.

Again just because you can be a cunt on the internet. Doesn't mean you should.

I agree with op handling this wrong but Jesus Christ. She's clearly not feeling well, you don't need to stick the boot in just because

Agree with everyone else, there's nothing to sort out. Your not friends and she's not interested so you need to leave her alone.

You really just need to leave it op - she has made her position clear with her behaviour and has done it without actually being horrible to you as well. A friend of mine always wants to 'chat things through' - she once even sat me down with a list of things she wanted to discuss - I hate this sort of thing and have told her so, but she always pushes to do it because that's what she needs to do in order to feel settled. The chat is for you and about you - she doesn't want to do it - leave her alone.

I wouldn't say she's been really off with you. You invited her to your events. She declined and did her own thing. That's nothing personal. She has her own life and that's fine. Best to take the hint and just keep things nicely civil, not escalate by trying to address what is ultimately a non-issue. She's not your friend and even if she married BiL, you don't need to be close to each other. She may have made comments that have misled you into thinking she was up for more of a friendship, but people say such things as part of small talk at family events, they can't be held to it. Let this one go and take care of yourself. I hope you're getting help for your PND and that you're feeling better soon.

You sound a bit like hard work, sorry.
I wouldn't find your energy enjoyable either, especially trying to tie me down for a talk that you are ambig about.

She doesn't want to be your friend, stop trying to force it.

If someone I barely knew asked me to meet up but wouldn't tell me why I'd assume they wanted me to join their MLM scheme and would politely decline.

(Also I'm sure you didn't mean to come across as a bit "grabby" but inviting people to your baby shower sounds a bit like an invitation to give you presents)

Back down a bit, if you're going to be friends let it develop naturally and one day you'll laugh about this.

You do sound over invested and she's not interested. Don't take it personally. I'm not that close to my two SiL's. I have my own sisters and a lot of friends. I don't need any more. Of course we're always friendly when we do meet up but there's no 1:1 time or frequent texting etc.

Having 1 person who doesn't appear to want the same level of friendship that you do doesn't make you a "black sheep." It makes you someone that your BIL's girlfriend doesn't feel the need to have a very close relationship with. And that's fine. Other posters are right that you do sound a little intense and demanding - best advice is to just get on with your life and be polite and friendly when you do see her.

my husband has also said his older brother feels distant and doesn’t feel as close since he met his gf.

This is also normal. He's closer to his gf now, as your DH is closer to you than his brothers, no doubt. If they're still meeting up with your MiL and her folks, it's not like they're being cut off from the wider family. It's just not your and your DH at the centre of things and that's fine. People are busy and have limits.

Leave her be. It doesnt sound like she has done anything wrong to you but she obviously isnt interested in getting friendly and doesnt have to justify it to you either. You should accept that.

She doesnt have to spend extra time with you just because you're both in relationships with people who happen to be brothers.

Just keep things civil if you happen to cross paths and leave it at that.