Why won’t my potential SIL speak to me?

[Alloo]

Hi everyone,

I’m pretty new here and looking for some advice.

Background
I have been with my husband for 5 years and married for 2. We have a 6 month old baby now too. Hubby has 2 brothers, one older and one younger. The younger one has been with his girlfriend approx. same amount of time as me and hubby whilst older brother has just got a new girlfriend - they have been dating for 1.5 years. We have met the new girlfriend on a total of 5 times at family occasions (one being our own wedding).

Since me and new gf have met I feel she has been really off with me.

Reasoning
New gf seems to make plans with me but either cancels or it doesn’t go ahead, or she just doesn’t respond. For example; my baby shower - I invited her as well as all the other family both on my side and hubby’s as well as close friends. I thought it was nice to invite her as my BIL’s partner especially since they have spoken about getting married and wanting kids, I thought it would make her feel involved. She declined as she was going on holiday (which ended up not happening) and ended up going on a night out at night time, when my baby shower was an afternoon. Another example is that I invited her to my birthday a few months back, but again she declined as she was going on holiday but that got cancelled and still declined to come to my event. I could go on but I have lost count how many times this has happened. However when hubby/BIL’s parents arrange something, she 9/10 goes. Same with younger brother and his gf, she goes.

Sorting
So I did the adult thing and text her asking to meet up or arrange a 5 minute call just the 2 of us and that I would go out to her to save her coming to my home.
She responded asking what it was about. I responded saying that it wasn’t anything to worry about but that I just didn’t want to text and would rather an in person chat or phone call. She then asked again what it was about and to text her as she is busy all week at work and after work. I said that’s ok can we arrange next week as it’s not urgent but it’s important to me. She responded saying she was genuinely busy and that we can MAYBE chat next week. I said that’s fine, it’s just something I don’t want to text as texts can be taken the wrong way.

Feelings
I don’t know how to feel. She’s making me feel a certain way and my husband has also said his older brother feels distant and doesn’t feel as close since he met his gf.

I am also bothered that I have spoke to my MIL recently and she has made plans to see the older son, gf, and gf’s parents.

Has anyone experienced something similar?

I feel so down about it and feel like she won’t speak to me to sort this out!

I think it is nice that you have tried to get to the bottom of why incase you have upset her in someway but she clearly doesn’t want to tell you what the issue is.

But it's entirely possible that there is no issue at all.

Lack of desire to attend family events is neutral. Not attending is neutral. Having other plans is neutral.

(I get this from DH's family - not accepting all of the 7 invites over 9 days of Christmas seen as an act of war, not merely the act of someone who has something else to do, or who rather prefers doing nothing now and then.)

And it is OP who won't tell the girlfriend what the issue is.

I'd be bothered if someone was pestering me to meet up for some mystery reason! And I'd be asking why. And the more that you made it a big mystery the more likely I'd say no!

Ffs. Leave her alone!

She’s just not that into you

I don’t think OP will be back

I would be very snotty if someone I barely knew said that they wanted to meet up for a reason but wouldnt tell me why. Why would you do that? (And to say it isnt anything to worry about to her. Just weird!)

Did you not post about this SIL to be a few days ago?

Anyway, time to take the hint.

Well if you're this passive aggressive to her as well, I'm not surprised she doesn't want to spend time with you. And stop hassling her to chat with you.

Back off. Don't invite her to do anything with you or your family. She may just not like you and wants to keep her distance. If she's at MIL's, don't try to get involved with her, leave her alone. Don't go ahead with the one to one meeting with her, it won't achieve anything.

I'm late to this thread and I just wanted to say I really agree with this.

I have a colleague who I used to be friendly with. However, every time I had any kind of conversation with her, even just small talk about her cat, the weather, etc the following day she would formally confront me. She'd tell me that she'd found my choice of words the previous day patronising or threatening or judgemental or something else. She'd spend 24h ruminating over any random throwaway comment I'd made, convince herself it was negative, then tell her therapist who'd tell her to confront me to "clear the air". There was no air to clear! In the end I just snapped at her and said she wasn't being a very good friend to me, making me walk on eggshells, constantly telling me off for accidentally saying the wrong thing, and I told her bluntly that her therapist was not teaching her to be a particularly tolerant friend. Cue huge week-long waterworks at work, she even asked for time off from our head of department because of the way I'd made her feel. (Thank goodness he didn't tell me off!)

My point is just that, some rubbish therapists seem to give advice that is actually unhelpful, encourages rumination and victimhood and "main character syndrome". I withdrew from nhs therapy myself when I had PND. It was literally counterproductive and did nothing for my suicidal thoughts and feeling of worthlessness. Group therapy via a charity did me a world of good instead.

She is your husband’s brother’s girlfriend, not your husband’s sister nor your sister in law. So not officially a family member who is expected to participate in most family events.

I never directly communicate with my husband’s brother’s wife, she is very nice and I like her and we get on when we do see each other, but that’s the extent of it. If there are plans to be made, my husband and his brother make them. And she is the wife, not the girlfriend.

Also, I don’t understand what pnd has to do with it? Sorry you have it, but it doesn’t mean everyone has to do what you want. You should consider just leaving her be, stop texting and inviting and pressuring.

I’d find it really really strange to receive a text asking to meet up to have a chat but not tell me what it’s regarding. I would also avoid and think you were very strange and ‘too much!’

JFC leave the poor woman alone!

After the 'sorting" thing you'll be lucky if she ever comes near you again. That's just bizarre behaviour, not 'adult". How old are you OP? You sound very young/sheltered.

Now you've said you want a conversation, I'd try to think of something better to talk about..."HI - I know you're busy so I'll just text - just thinking about a meal out for MIL anniversary/DH birthday/my birthday - insert dates - do call if you're intetested!"
Then leave her be!

My 1st thought is this is someone going through infertility and/ or about to embark on ivf.
I sensed that by the way she declined to attend your baby shower. It's probably too painful for her

I had my son after a long ivf Journey and don't think I could attend a baby shower even now.
Definitely nothing personal x

Have you sought help for PND?

I'm wondering if you have friends of your own, a career, hobbies, as you sound over involved in your H and his family?

@Alloo are you okay?

Lack of desire to attend family events is neutral.

@thecatsthecats IDK, it kind of implies she's not keen enough on them to go.

It's true that as some PPs have said, some sort of therapist or self help book might be influencing the OP. I dated a therapist (not mine) for a bit and he would exist on these confrontational face to face conversations if I said something he didn't like. It wasn't for me whatsoever.

*insist

When my BIL brought his fiancé into the family, she became best friends with the SIL and as one of my SIL doesn't like me for (a reason she hasn't given since the day we met) she's decided she doesn't like me either.

We will all be at my PIL house and the 2 SIL and the fiancé will happily discuss their evening plans and walk out all happy smirking at me.

So I know how you feel. I thought I would have a friend as we both are not from their culture

But I guess she fitted more in than I did!

Now I've become distant and less interested in their lives they bitch to MIL that I "don't care about them"

Lol side eye.

Just be polite and try to forget about her and fill your life with things to keep your mind busy! I know it's hard x

Not being keen on someone is also neutral.

Good = positive, friendly interactions that contribute to each other's lives.
Bad = negative behaviours and actions that upset their lives.
Neutral = impassive, neither good nor bad.

OP has done some good things - invites. SIL has been neutral in response. OP has done some negative things in response to that neutrality, which totally undermines her initial good intentions. SIL remains neutral.

I was the one who brought up the therapist point in the first place ;) A good therapist would tell the OP that she already had the answer - not the one she wants, but she can't control that!

Probably your use of the word "hubby"!! Does anyone really use that these days?? Such a horrible abbreviation.

@Alloo
What is it that makes it so important to have relationships with your brother in laws partners/girlfriends/wives?

Is she pleasant in social settings with you?

From my point of view she is in a relationship with your husbands brother, not the rest of the family. She gets on with her in laws, she goes to events with the family when her husband is there.
I don't see anything wrong with that.

I really dislike baby showers (can't explain it, I just hate them) I always make my excuses and don't go. My sister in laws (husbands sister) I've known her for 20 years (since she was 9) Was over zoom during lockdown and I was on maternity leave so had no excuse not to 'attend'.
I have a nice relationship with my SIL, we sometime meet up and message but we have our own friendships.

I probably would feel comfortable going out for her birthday as I've known her so long I know who her friends are but if I'd only known her for a relatively short time and saw her only occasionally (aka 5 years) I wouldn't have felt comfortable with going.

Reading the part about you wanting to go to her home to have a chat and not tell her what it was about made me feel uncomfortable, never mind her.

Just accept that this is a superficial relationship (and that it's perfectly fine to have that) and get on with things

@Coffeelotsofcoffee I feel the same post infertility. I'm sure I have some unresolved stuff that is hanging around (that I push under the rug 🤣) when it comes to other women's pregnancies and babies. Even though my now baby is nearly 4!

So I did the adult thing and text her asking to meet up or arrange a 5 minute call just the 2 of us and that I would go out to her to save her coming to my home.
She responded asking what it was about. I responded saying that it wasn’t anything to worry about but that I just didn’t want to text and would rather an in person chat or phone call. She then asked again what it was about and to text her as she is busy all week at work and after work. I said that’s ok can we arrange next week as it’s not urgent but it’s important to me. She responded saying she was genuinely busy and that we can MAYBE chat next week. I said that’s fine, it’s just something I don’t want to text as texts can be taken the wrong way.

Cringing for you if this exchange actually happened...

Wtf you sound so needy, clingy and just weird!!! Who does this???

Christ alive. Leave her alone

Cringe