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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why won’t my potential SIL speak to me?

204 replies

Alloo · 03/05/2023 11:50

Hi everyone,

I’m pretty new here and looking for some advice.

Background
I have been with my husband for 5 years and married for 2. We have a 6 month old baby now too. Hubby has 2 brothers, one older and one younger. The younger one has been with his girlfriend approx. same amount of time as me and hubby whilst older brother has just got a new girlfriend - they have been dating for 1.5 years. We have met the new girlfriend on a total of 5 times at family occasions (one being our own wedding).

Since me and new gf have met I feel she has been really off with me.

Reasoning
New gf seems to make plans with me but either cancels or it doesn’t go ahead, or she just doesn’t respond. For example; my baby shower - I invited her as well as all the other family both on my side and hubby’s as well as close friends. I thought it was nice to invite her as my BIL’s partner especially since they have spoken about getting married and wanting kids, I thought it would make her feel involved. She declined as she was going on holiday (which ended up not happening) and ended up going on a night out at night time, when my baby shower was an afternoon. Another example is that I invited her to my birthday a few months back, but again she declined as she was going on holiday but that got cancelled and still declined to come to my event. I could go on but I have lost count how many times this has happened. However when hubby/BIL’s parents arrange something, she 9/10 goes. Same with younger brother and his gf, she goes.

Sorting
So I did the adult thing and text her asking to meet up or arrange a 5 minute call just the 2 of us and that I would go out to her to save her coming to my home.
She responded asking what it was about. I responded saying that it wasn’t anything to worry about but that I just didn’t want to text and would rather an in person chat or phone call. She then asked again what it was about and to text her as she is busy all week at work and after work. I said that’s ok can we arrange next week as it’s not urgent but it’s important to me. She responded saying she was genuinely busy and that we can MAYBE chat next week. I said that’s fine, it’s just something I don’t want to text as texts can be taken the wrong way.

Feelings
I don’t know how to feel. She’s making me feel a certain way and my husband has also said his older brother feels distant and doesn’t feel as close since he met his gf.

I am also bothered that I have spoke to my MIL recently and she has made plans to see the older son, gf, and gf’s parents.

Has anyone experienced something similar?

I feel so down about it and feel like she won’t speak to me to sort this out!

OP posts:
Alondra · 03/05/2023 12:37

Leave her alone. She has her own life and is not interested in yours.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 03/05/2023 12:38

Honestly, if I was the SIL in find you intense and weird and wouldn't want to hang out with you, either.

Even the way you've presented your OP is strange.

Just leave her alone. She doesn't owe you her friendship.

beeskipa · 03/05/2023 12:38

It sounds like she's not mega interested in being friends (for one of the reasons PPs have posted), which is perfectly reasonable - I'd let it slide if I were you. It was maybe a bit intense trying to summon her for a chat- if she asks what that was a about I'd just pass it off as trying to plan a birthday surprise for DH/BIL/MIL or something as I do think that will come across a touch overbearing.

It's no great loss - you don't want to be friends with someone who isn't that fussed about being your friend anyway!

ElizabethBest · 03/05/2023 12:38

Being someone's girlfriend doesn't mean she's dating the whole family. You're reading too much into it - let things develop organically. If there are going to be plans to socialise, let the brothers arrange it - you can't force friendships.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/05/2023 12:39

I understand how you feel, but I think your best bet to navigate your way out of this is just to be polite, civil but NEVER chase after her like this. You've tried several times, and it backfires and upsets you - so stand back.
Be cordial at family gatherings so there is no awkwardness - but don't chase or try to engage beyond How are you. What a lovely outfit.
Don't keep mentioning it to other family as this will just get back to her and then she will have a reason to have a beef with you.
If you are asked about the text just say. No cause for alarm, just wanted to get together for coffee, but I know how busy you are.
You are ruminating too much over her excuses and lack of contact. If you repeat this to yourself often enough it will build up into a much much bigger thing in your mind that it merits. And people have given lots of potential reasons for it. It might not be about you at all.
You never know, if you establish that she is not under scrutiny then she may eventually come to you

Also, don't take her attitude so personally. Try to step right back from the whole situation and distract yourself from thinking about it. Focus on building bridges with people who treat you well and make you feel good. Give the others a polite swerve

GalileoHumpkins · 03/05/2023 12:39

Do you really think after 18 months that she's a new girlfriend? I feel sorry for her that your badgering her into being your friend, leave her alone.

TheKobayashiMaru · 03/05/2023 12:39

She is telling you loud and clear with her actions that she is not interested in socialising with you, you don't need a phone call to confirm that. There is no way to know why and while it is clearly hurtful to you, I doubt you'd get a straight answer if you did ask.

Sometimes people we want to like us or spend time with us do not feel the same way and that hurts. All you can do is accept it as you can't change it Flowers

Titchyfeep · 03/05/2023 12:40

YABU she doesn’t have to be friends with you. As long as she isn’t openly rude towards you then you should leave her along. So far it sounds like she has been civil towards you but just doesn’t want to socialise with you. You txting and not telling her why is probably making her like you even less. Perhaps don’t be so demanding and accept your not everyone’s cup of tea.

Sissynova · 03/05/2023 12:41

@hourbyhour101 no idea why you feel it’s your place to police OPs thread. I was far from a cunt.
Personally if I was the girl I would feel very uncomfortable with the OP pushing for this weird secret conversation and OP doesn’t seem to realise the gf could be reacting in that way.

I hadn’t seen the OPs update but firstly, that’s information she decided wasn’t relevant to the OP and two as much as it sounds like OP has some struggles going on in her life it’s not fair for it to manifest in these over the top feelings for someone who doesn’t even know her. It’s not the gf’s fault.

CalistoNoSolo · 03/05/2023 12:42

hourbyhour101 · 03/05/2023 12:29

Again just because you can be a cunt on the internet. Doesn't mean you should.

I agree with op handling this wrong but Jesus Christ. She's clearly not feeling well, you don't need to stick the boot in just because

Show quote history

There is absolutely nothing cuntish about @Sissynova post.

MrsMoastyToasty · 03/05/2023 12:42

You mentioned that BIL is distant with you too. Is she trying to alienate the family from him?

Famzonhol · 03/05/2023 12:42

Some harsh responses as always.

There’s just a mismatch of expectations probably. You want to be friends with everyone and see your extended family as your social life. NOTHING wrong with that. But many people draw a line between friends and family, especially in-laws. Also nothing wrong with that. You’re an apple and she’s an orange. Reframe your expectations. She‘s not looking for a friend but if you are both courteous and respectful to each other and to your husbands’ families you might have some pleasant chats at future events and your children might play with each other.

ShandaLear · 03/05/2023 12:43

Leave her alone. You’re at different stages in your life - you have a baby, for example - and it sounds like you don’t have that much in common and she has her own friends. Be pleasant to her when you meet, but step back from trying to be her mate. She’s not interested.

Doidontimmm · 03/05/2023 12:44

I am really shy and get so anxious going to events with a lot of people I don’t know, even if I do know a few. If my husband is there I feel supported. I’m totally fine out with close friends.

it could be anxiety meaning she didn’t want to attend your shower/birthday but is ok with family events .

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 03/05/2023 12:44

Alloo · 03/05/2023 12:01

@TeaStory hi there, ok that came across as really rude. I have demanded anyones attention and she herself has said numerous times hubby and I should see her house, but she doesn’t follow through. I totally understand she has no interest I’ve made that clear in my message. I take it you’ve never felt like a black sheep or had postnatal depression? That must be nice.

That was a drip feed of irrelevant information, OP. No one knows anything about your mental health.

Taking it on face value, as we have to, you’ve made repeated attempts to befriend this girl and she’s clearly not interested. So you have to stop pushing it now. It doesn’t need to be spoken about either. Letting it go will be best for everyone.

Boltonb · 03/05/2023 12:44

Sissynova · 03/05/2023 12:41

@hourbyhour101 no idea why you feel it’s your place to police OPs thread. I was far from a cunt.
Personally if I was the girl I would feel very uncomfortable with the OP pushing for this weird secret conversation and OP doesn’t seem to realise the gf could be reacting in that way.

I hadn’t seen the OPs update but firstly, that’s information she decided wasn’t relevant to the OP and two as much as it sounds like OP has some struggles going on in her life it’s not fair for it to manifest in these over the top feelings for someone who doesn’t even know her. It’s not the gf’s fault.

Totally agree with you @Sissynova

Think the hypocrisy is lost on @hourbyhour101 that they’re on the internet, calling people names

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 03/05/2023 12:44

Alloo · 03/05/2023 12:01

@TeaStory hi there, ok that came across as really rude. I have demanded anyones attention and she herself has said numerous times hubby and I should see her house, but she doesn’t follow through. I totally understand she has no interest I’ve made that clear in my message. I take it you’ve never felt like a black sheep or had postnatal depression? That must be nice.

That was a drip feed of irrelevant information, OP. No one knows anything about your mental health.

Taking it on face value, as we have to, you’ve made repeated attempts to befriend this girl and she’s clearly not interested. So you have to stop pushing it now. It doesn’t need to be spoken about either. Letting it go will be best for everyone.

TammyJones · 03/05/2023 12:44

We have not met my oldest sons partner if 4 years.
We organised a miles stone family celebration last month.
First she wasn't sure she was coming.
Then she had plans
Then she was ill.
It's fine - she has social anxiety
I've seen photos of her and that's all.

Alondra · 03/05/2023 12:45

Alloo · 03/05/2023 12:01

@TeaStory hi there, ok that came across as really rude. I have demanded anyones attention and she herself has said numerous times hubby and I should see her house, but she doesn’t follow through. I totally understand she has no interest I’ve made that clear in my message. I take it you’ve never felt like a black sheep or had postnatal depression? That must be nice.

This is who she is. She doesn't follow thru what she says, cancels plans or doesn't respond. It's got nothing to do with you. It's all her.

Quit making plans with her and being bothered about her behaviour.

Sissynova · 03/05/2023 12:46

MrsMoastyToasty · 03/05/2023 12:42

You mentioned that BIL is distant with you too. Is she trying to alienate the family from him?

‘However when hubby/BIL’s parents arrange something, she 9/10 goes. Same with younger brother and his gf, she goes.’

Considering OP said the girlfriend attends 9/10 things the parents invite her to I doubt she’s trying to alienate her boyfriend from his family.

SillyChumpster · 03/05/2023 12:47

Sorry OP, but I think YABU. For your own mental health take a step back and accept that she doesn't want a particularly close relationship with you, for whatever reason that may be. You don't need to be best friends with your potential SIL. As long as when you see each other at family events you are both civil and pleasant that is fine. Please don't have a big talk with her as you may create a whole lot of drama when there really doesn't need to be any.

RunningRunningRunningRunningRunning · 03/05/2023 12:47

Oh god you sound hard work, she clearly doesn't want to be your bff, all this summoning her to have a call from you, deary me. Maybe you imagined being best friends or something just because your husband and her partner are brothers, reality is many in laws are very different and don't have anything to do with eachother. My husband's brothers wife I've met about 5 times, they've been together 7 years, I have 0 interest in her, I don't even have her number, I'd never want to socialise with her. You don't need to have a relationship with this woman, she clearly isn't looking for a new friend.

What on earth were you going to say to her if you had a chat? How awkward.

Nordicrain · 03/05/2023 12:49

Oh god, you sound so full on. There is nothing to sort out, she just doesn't want to be your BFF. Leave her alone, this whole thing is so OTT and ridiculous, poor girl. YABU.

broadbeanquiche · 03/05/2023 12:49

VainAbigail · 03/05/2023 12:04

Answer
You’re over invested in her. She’s not interested. The way you wouldn’t explain what it was you wanted to speak about is annoying and childish.

Solution
Leave her alone and crack on with your own life. She’s not interested in being a part of yours.

Yes I think this

KittyAlfred · 03/05/2023 12:49

I wonder if DP's family feel like this about me. I hope not!

I live 30 minutes from him and all his family (parents, adult kids - they all live in the same area). We've been together for 7 years.

I have teenagers. They don't have a father. I work, and both kids have hobbies that take lots of time. So I get very little time to myself.

As a result, I pretty much never see DP's family. I attend major events (eg wedding) but not random birthdays, or any other social events. I just don't want to go enough to warrant giving him the little free time I have.

Maybe your BIL's girlfriend feels like that.