Page 8 | Why won’t my potential SIL speak to me?

Katey83 · 03/05/2023 21:04

Mummy08m · 03/05/2023 16:54

I'm late to this thread and I just wanted to say I really agree with this.

I have a colleague who I used to be friendly with. However, every time I had any kind of conversation with her, even just small talk about her cat, the weather, etc the following day she would formally confront me. She'd tell me that she'd found my choice of words the previous day patronising or threatening or judgemental or something else. She'd spend 24h ruminating over any random throwaway comment I'd made, convince herself it was negative, then tell her therapist who'd tell her to confront me to "clear the air". There was no air to clear! In the end I just snapped at her and said she wasn't being a very good friend to me, making me walk on eggshells, constantly telling me off for accidentally saying the wrong thing, and I told her bluntly that her therapist was not teaching her to be a particularly tolerant friend. Cue huge week-long waterworks at work, she even asked for time off from our head of department because of the way I'd made her feel. (Thank goodness he didn't tell me off!)

My point is just that, some rubbish therapists seem to give advice that is actually unhelpful, encourages rumination and victimhood and "main character syndrome". I withdrew from nhs therapy myself when I had PND. It was literally counterproductive and did nothing for my suicidal thoughts and feeling of worthlessness. Group therapy via a charity did me a world of good instead.

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Omg I had friend just like this - egg shells as after any interaction there would be the inevitable ‘conversation’ about my perceived ‘bad behaviour’. Suffice it to say: we are no longer friends - and she’s lost a fair few mutual mates too. It is literally exhausting to have people like this in your life.

VimFuego101 · 03/05/2023 21:32

I would shy away from a birthday party invite from a SIL or DH's family - nothing personal at all, I just find socializing daunting with a group of people I don't know. I would also avoid a situation where someone wanted to talk to me but wouldn't specify what about - that sounds like they're going to try and sell me MLM products 😂

I think you're taking this too personally and it's likely that she just has her own friendship circle and doesn't feel that she needs more friends or to be best friends with her boyfriend's family.

Thighlengthboots · 04/05/2023 05:02

thecatsthecats · 03/05/2023 15:48

I think it is nice that you have tried to get to the bottom of why incase you have upset her in someway but she clearly doesn’t want to tell you what the issue is.

But it's entirely possible that there is no issue at all.

Lack of desire to attend family events is neutral. Not attending is neutral. Having other plans is neutral.

(I get this from DH's family - not accepting all of the 7 invites over 9 days of Christmas seen as an act of war, not merely the act of someone who has something else to do, or who rather prefers doing nothing now and then.)

And it is OP who won't tell the girlfriend what the issue is.

This. Not everything has some deep, complex meaning or issue for goodness sake. Sometimes its simply that you feel more comfortable around some people than others! Its completely normal and it doesnt need intensive chats or confrontation or deep examination just because you get on with some people more than others.

The SIL hasnt been rude here- she's just prioritised time with her own friends over her SIL who she has only bloody met 5 times! There is nothing to rake over here- she clearly prefers spending time with her own friends and I dont blame her. Just because you end up knowing someone due to family doesnt mean you MUST be super close friends- its great if you are, but its not an obligation. Getting on with certain people more than others is just life- it doesnt need some kind of deep examination or confrontation FGS.

Stressyfab · 04/05/2023 05:21

I’d be avoiding you like the plague at this point as you clearly do not respect boundaries

Mortimercat · 04/05/2023 05:55

My husband has brothers, both now married. I am amicable with both the wives and they with me but it would not occur to me that I would meet up with them without my husband / his brothers. And I definitely wouldn’t be going to a baby shower or be summoned to a mysterious meeting.

Pottedpalm · 04/05/2023 06:47

My DH’s brother and his wife have been married for several decades. I get on well with my SIL but we never meet except at family gatherings, weddings, funerals, anniversary/big birthday parties. We have never met up, gone out together/been shopping. We very very occasionally speak on the phone and then only if DH is speaking to his DB and passes the phone over. I don’t even have her number. It’s a perfectly amicable relationship and we are happy with that level of contact.

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 04/05/2023 06:51

Mortimercat · 04/05/2023 05:55

My husband has brothers, both now married. I am amicable with both the wives and they with me but it would not occur to me that I would meet up with them without my husband / his brothers. And I definitely wouldn’t be going to a baby shower or be summoned to a mysterious meeting.

Yes this. family gatherings I am friendly and polite, I may go to a baby shower with Mil but that’s because we are close but that’s it. I learnt long ago not to become involved in in-laws as friends.

if I was summoned to a mysterious meeting my answer would be a very firm no thank-you. If that was ignored it would be a polite fuck no. thank you, please stay in your own lane.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 04/05/2023 07:36

I think sometimes, especially if you're a people person, or sociable, that you expect to have a good, close relationship with our SIL, but as happens with family, that doesn't always happen.

Op it sounds like she simply doesn't want a relationship with you, so you need to stop trying. I'd continue to invite her so it doesn't look like you're deliberately excluding her. But expect her to cancel and don't give it another thought, or better still put the invite via your dh or BIL.

Outgrabe · 04/05/2023 08:10

OP, I won’t repeat what others have said, but I just wanted to say that trying to arrange a phonecall to ‘sort this out’ isn’t ‘the adult thing to do’ here, especially when you won’t divulge to the other party what it is you need to speak to her about. There’s also no indication at all she’s been at all ‘off’ with you. She almost certainly has no idea you even noticed, far less minded that she didn’t attend your baby shower, or that you note her cancelled holidays, or invite her out of anything other than token politeness.

A better thing to do would be to think about why you’re so over-invested in this one relationship, and why it’s making you feel so rejected, when most people wouldn’t even have registered her as a no-show. Maybe PND, maybe whatever it is that makes you talk about being a ‘black sheep’? Either way, though, it’s not her issue to solve. Focus on you.

Ladyzfactor · 04/05/2023 11:05

Coffeelotsofcoffee · 03/05/2023 17:24

My 1st thought is this is someone going through infertility and/ or about to embark on ivf.
I sensed that by the way she declined to attend your baby shower. It's probably too painful for her

I had my son after a long ivf Journey and don't think I could attend a baby shower even now.
Definitely nothing personal x

Or the fact that baby showers can be painfully boring and awkward. Hate everything about them. The horrible games, pretending that every present is the most amazing then ever seen. If I have an excuse, and it's not a close family or friend, I wouldn't hesitate to send a gift and my regards.

PurpleChrayne · 04/05/2023 11:08

Leave the poor wench alone!

Bellaboo01 · 04/05/2023 11:15

Alloo · 03/05/2023 11:50

Hi everyone,

I’m pretty new here and looking for some advice.

Background
I have been with my husband for 5 years and married for 2. We have a 6 month old baby now too. Hubby has 2 brothers, one older and one younger. The younger one has been with his girlfriend approx. same amount of time as me and hubby whilst older brother has just got a new girlfriend - they have been dating for 1.5 years. We have met the new girlfriend on a total of 5 times at family occasions (one being our own wedding).

Since me and new gf have met I feel she has been really off with me.

Reasoning
New gf seems to make plans with me but either cancels or it doesn’t go ahead, or she just doesn’t respond. For example; my baby shower - I invited her as well as all the other family both on my side and hubby’s as well as close friends. I thought it was nice to invite her as my BIL’s partner especially since they have spoken about getting married and wanting kids, I thought it would make her feel involved. She declined as she was going on holiday (which ended up not happening) and ended up going on a night out at night time, when my baby shower was an afternoon. Another example is that I invited her to my birthday a few months back, but again she declined as she was going on holiday but that got cancelled and still declined to come to my event. I could go on but I have lost count how many times this has happened. However when hubby/BIL’s parents arrange something, she 9/10 goes. Same with younger brother and his gf, she goes.

Sorting
So I did the adult thing and text her asking to meet up or arrange a 5 minute call just the 2 of us and that I would go out to her to save her coming to my home.
She responded asking what it was about. I responded saying that it wasn’t anything to worry about but that I just didn’t want to text and would rather an in person chat or phone call. She then asked again what it was about and to text her as she is busy all week at work and after work. I said that’s ok can we arrange next week as it’s not urgent but it’s important to me. She responded saying she was genuinely busy and that we can MAYBE chat next week. I said that’s fine, it’s just something I don’t want to text as texts can be taken the wrong way.

Feelings
I don’t know how to feel. She’s making me feel a certain way and my husband has also said his older brother feels distant and doesn’t feel as close since he met his gf.

I am also bothered that I have spoke to my MIL recently and she has made plans to see the older son, gf, and gf’s parents.

Has anyone experienced something similar?

I feel so down about it and feel like she won’t speak to me to sort this out!

Why are you insisting that you need to be 'friends' with her.

I love both my husband's siblings partners but, would never insist that i see them separately. We are all adults, have our own lives and enjoy the time we spend together (which normally involves the rest of the family).

Just leave the girl alone (in the nicest possible way).

ToWhitToWhoo · 04/05/2023 11:24

She may just not have much in common with you, and not be that interested in a friendship. You may be coming across as a bit 'needy' and intense. So long as she's not actively causing trouble, I would just leave it, and not push yourself too much on her. She's not even your husband's sister- she's his brother's new girlfriend, so she's not automatically going to consider you as family.

Whadda · 04/05/2023 11:27

So I did the adult thing and text her asking to meet up or arrange a 5 minute call just the 2 of us and that I would go out to her to save her coming to my home.
She responded asking what it was about. I responded saying that it wasn’t anything to worry about but that I just didn’t want to text and would rather an in person chat or phone call. She then asked again what it was about and to text her as she is busy all week at work and after work. I said that’s ok can we arrange next week as it’s not urgent but it’s important to me. She responded saying she was genuinely busy and that we can MAYBE chat next week. I said that’s fine, it’s just something I don’t want to text as texts can be taken the wrong way.

This was very strange of you.

Why did you do this? What was your aim?

LeefPeeper · 04/05/2023 12:21

It probably makes her cringe when you use the word “hubby” all the time and that’s why she doesn’t want to meet up with

TheKobayashiMaru · 04/05/2023 21:34

OP?

porridgeisbae · 04/05/2023 21:44

Not being keen on someone is also neutral.

I think it is negative towards the person- just slightly less negative than hating.

I was the one who brought up the therapist point in the first place

@thecatsthecats I can disagree with one thing you say and agree with another thing you say.

Createausername1970 · 04/05/2023 21:54

She doesn't want to be your friend.

You have invited her to a few things, which was very nice of you, but she politely declined.

Be pleasant when you socialise at family gatherings, but other than that just don't worry about her. You are making a mountain out of a molehill.

We aren't keen on DH's SIL, she is very opinionated and always right. We brace ourselves before any family events.

On the other hand, we get on very well with my BIL and we often socialise as a 4some.

You chose friends but family are inflicted on you.

AuntMarch · 04/05/2023 21:55

If my partner's brothers wife was being that pushy about wanting a five minute chat when we'd barely had anything to do with each other, I wouldn't be jumping at the chance. Besides your OHs being related, there is nothing to tie you to each other. Being civil at family occasions and letting a friendship develop if you find you have things in common would be the norm, I think.

I definitely wouldn't want to go to a baby shower of someone I hardly know either, but then I didn't even want to go to my best friends one (obviously didn't let that show, though!)

Want2beme · 04/05/2023 22:03

I wouldn't bloody bother. Don't waste your emotions on her. She doesn't care, so why would you?

Your DH can chat to his DB, re the distance he's starting to feel happening between them, if he's that bothered.

DietrichandDiMaggio · 04/05/2023 23:32

Whadda · 04/05/2023 11:27

So I did the adult thing and text her asking to meet up or arrange a 5 minute call just the 2 of us and that I would go out to her to save her coming to my home.
She responded asking what it was about. I responded saying that it wasn’t anything to worry about but that I just didn’t want to text and would rather an in person chat or phone call. She then asked again what it was about and to text her as she is busy all week at work and after work. I said that’s ok can we arrange next week as it’s not urgent but it’s important to me. She responded saying she was genuinely busy and that we can MAYBE chat next week. I said that’s fine, it’s just something I don’t want to text as texts can be taken the wrong way.

This was very strange of you.

Why did you do this? What was your aim?

I've read this a few times and still don't understand what you mean by 'sorting' - what did you want to talk about?

Hoppingmad231 · 04/05/2023 23:53

Stop! Your hounding the girl leave her be she's probably uncomfortable around you, she doesn't have togo to your events, you were nice enough to invite her she declined leave it their. Messaging her to tell her you need to talk and not saying why is just weird no wonder she's avoiding you.

FictionalCharacter · 05/05/2023 01:57

Fladdermus · 03/05/2023 12:07

Sorry, I agree with the others. The refusing to tell her what you wanted to talk about isn't adult, it's weird and manipulative and I wouldn't tolerate it either.

I agree. That bit was really uncomfortable even to read.

SargentSagittarius · 05/05/2023 02:07

Sorting
So I did the adult thing and text her asking to meet up or arrange a 5 minute call just the 2 of us and that I would go out to her to save her coming to my home.
She responded asking what it was about. I responded saying that it wasn’t anything to worry about but that I just didn’t want to text and would rather an in person chat or phone call. She then asked again what it was about and to text her as she is busy all week at work and after work. I said that’s ok can we arrange next week as it’s not urgent but it’s important to me. She responded saying she was genuinely busy and that we can MAYBE chat next week. I said that’s fine, it’s just something I don’t want to text as texts can be taken the wrong way.

I am literally 🫣 reading that.

She just doesn’t want to be close friends with you, and that’s OK.

It’s not personal. Really it isn’t.

You just have to accept that you have the sort of relationship where you see each other at your partners’ parents house.

This is highly, highly normal for zillions of BIL and SIL all round the world.

FictionalCharacter · 05/05/2023 02:19

AutumnCrow · 03/05/2023 14:00

I genuinely don't understand the timeline on this. She was at your wedding 2 years ago?

And dating your BiL for 1.5 years? But he 'just got a new girlfriend'?

Can someone help me with my comprehension lapse, please. It could well be me, as I have started some new medication. Thank you.

From OP: 'I have been with my husband for 5 years and married for 2. We have a 6 month old baby now too. Hubby has 2 brothers, one older and one younger. The younger one has been with his girlfriend approx. same amount of time as me and hubby whilst older brother has just got a new girlfriend - they have been dating for 1.5 years. We have met the new girlfriend on a total of 5 times at family occasions (one being our own wedding).'

Well spotted. 🤔