Why won’t my potential SIL speak to me?

[Alloo]

Hi everyone,

I’m pretty new here and looking for some advice.

Background
I have been with my husband for 5 years and married for 2. We have a 6 month old baby now too. Hubby has 2 brothers, one older and one younger. The younger one has been with his girlfriend approx. same amount of time as me and hubby whilst older brother has just got a new girlfriend - they have been dating for 1.5 years. We have met the new girlfriend on a total of 5 times at family occasions (one being our own wedding).

Since me and new gf have met I feel she has been really off with me.

Reasoning
New gf seems to make plans with me but either cancels or it doesn’t go ahead, or she just doesn’t respond. For example; my baby shower - I invited her as well as all the other family both on my side and hubby’s as well as close friends. I thought it was nice to invite her as my BIL’s partner especially since they have spoken about getting married and wanting kids, I thought it would make her feel involved. She declined as she was going on holiday (which ended up not happening) and ended up going on a night out at night time, when my baby shower was an afternoon. Another example is that I invited her to my birthday a few months back, but again she declined as she was going on holiday but that got cancelled and still declined to come to my event. I could go on but I have lost count how many times this has happened. However when hubby/BIL’s parents arrange something, she 9/10 goes. Same with younger brother and his gf, she goes.

Sorting
So I did the adult thing and text her asking to meet up or arrange a 5 minute call just the 2 of us and that I would go out to her to save her coming to my home.
She responded asking what it was about. I responded saying that it wasn’t anything to worry about but that I just didn’t want to text and would rather an in person chat or phone call. She then asked again what it was about and to text her as she is busy all week at work and after work. I said that’s ok can we arrange next week as it’s not urgent but it’s important to me. She responded saying she was genuinely busy and that we can MAYBE chat next week. I said that’s fine, it’s just something I don’t want to text as texts can be taken the wrong way.

Feelings
I don’t know how to feel. She’s making me feel a certain way and my husband has also said his older brother feels distant and doesn’t feel as close since he met his gf.

I am also bothered that I have spoke to my MIL recently and she has made plans to see the older son, gf, and gf’s parents.

Has anyone experienced something similar?

I feel so down about it and feel like she won’t speak to me to sort this out!

Hi OP, I think you're probably reading too much into it, and even if you're not learning to roll your eyes and let it go would probably make you much happier. If you feel the need to call her then I'd just call her and say what you want to say, no need to set up a meeting. And keep it short and simple - I'd really like us to have a good relationship, would love it if you would join for X event, go for coffee sometime etc.

I wonder whether people have the same view of me sometimes that you have of your SIL - due to the nature of my partner's work we are constantly having to make and cancel plans last minute, and I'm so busy with life/work/child I often struggle to message people or join for social events. If your SIL is anything like me it could just be that she has a busy life, and nothing to do with any negative feelings about you. I have friends that constantly say they think I've forgotten them or don't care but it genuinely is not that I am not interested in my case. Another perspective perhaps. Of course she may just not want to spend time with you and your DH for some other reason, but perhaps if you try to give her the benefit of the doubt you might feel better.

@Sissynova your on a thread and said some pretty nasty without rtft .. I'm not the thread police 😂 Words have a effect however. Maybe next before sticking the boot in randomly, rtft.

I have been in the receiving end of OPs type of behaviour (and I don't condone it) but sadly after the loss of my son I was also on the receiving end of pnd. Hideous illness.

You have no idea the impact of your words, nor do I suspect you care. But maybe next time you will think twice.

Because you wouldn't have said that to OPs face the way you put it on here. Keyboards make people brave.I however would have said exactly what I put to your face. What you was purposely cruel, whether you did read OPs update or not. I doubt it would have changed what you put. As I said just because you can

This is so intense. You've probably completely freaked her out.

BIL has a new gf of about 1.5-2 years. I've similarly met her about 5 times. She's nice enough, but I don't want to be friends with her really. We've invited her to Easter/Christmas and she and BIL have come to stay a few times. Honestly, if she invited me just for a thing for her (not with dh/BIL/MIL), I'd decline. There's nothing wrong with her, but we don't have anything in common and I don't know her friends and I just don't really need that sort of relationship with her.

If she rang me to 'sort things out' by phone, I'd honestly assume something horrible happened, BIL had cancer or had been in an accident, or MIL had a breakdown and was in hospital or something equally awful. If I found out it was just to rant at me about not being her friend, I'd probably avoid her indefinitely after that as I'd like she was a bit unhinged.

I think you just need to leave it. She's not interested in being close. You barely know each other. You have a perfectly normal relationship already for 'IL' type relations.

OP, I think you have an idealised image of a large, happy extended family, where the sisters in laws are all friends but it doesn't always work out like that.

My sisters in law are nice but we just don't have a lot in common. I also don't enjoy a lot of the 'admin' of family relationships, so I don't text happy birthday when it's their birthdays or their children's birthdays. DH sorts out all birthday and Christmas presents for all his side.

You have tried to be friends, now is the time to take a step back. You don't have to invite her to all your events.

I would suggest that from now on all contact is via your DH to his brother. That way, you won't be upset if they decline.

Your struggles with your mental health are colouring how you are perceiving her behaviour.
She's friendly in person because you are married to her partner's brother. It's not common for you to socialise outside of this.
My SIL has been with my brother getting on for 15 years, we have very little in common, we get on fine at family occasions, text occasionally about the DC but that's it. I'd never think to socialise with her and I'd imagine she feels the same way. Sometimes will say oh well have to meet up with the DC and do X, it rarely happens because frankly we both prioritise our own friends and family. That's all fine. If she started telling me she was coming to my house to discuss something but not telling me what, I'd think there was something really wrong like she was leaving my brother, or he was really ill but not telling anyone etc. Not that I hadn't followed up on our vague plans to meet up.
Kindly, it's not her, it's you.

So I did the adult thing and text her asking to meet up or arrange a 5 minute call just the 2 of us and that I would go out to her to save her coming to my home. She responded asking what it was about. I responded saying that it wasn’t anything to worry about but that I just didn’t want to text and would rather an in person chat or phone call.

Blimey, leave the woman alone! You're not her boss, you're her partners brothers wife.

I'd be stepping way back from you based on the above. You sound extremely intense.

TBH i would put down your upset over this to PND. I suspect i had it, although I was never diagnosed, and this was the kind of thing I would have dwelled on back then. Posters have been a bit harsh with you. Take care and try not to let her get you down, focus on getting better if that's what it is.

So what happens if you do have a phone call and she tells you she doesn't like you?

Whoa, your texts are very, very strange.

Back away fast! Be cordial and leave it at that.

Your MIL is allowed to have her own relationships.

Just….. stop. Before she always considers you to be the stalker, high maintenance one.

I’m sorry that you are suffering from
postnatal depression. I wonder if, in part, this is why you are fixating on SIL so much. As a distraction? Have you spoken to your GP/HV about your PND?

With kindness, I think you need to back away from SIL and focus on yourself 💐

Didn't you start a previous thread about this a few days ago OP? Are you seeing anyone/taking anything for your PND? I wonder if this situation would feel very different to you if you felt better. Perhaps hold off on doing anything about this until you feel a bit better and can see it clearly.

I get why this has upset you but the way you are going about it is coming across as really intense and a bit weird. I wouldnt want to meet up for some awkward chat either with someone who wanted to question me about why I didnt want to spend time with them. Maybe she just doesnt click with you and thats ok- I am sure there are people you dont click with either- doesnt mean they arent perfectly decent, lovely people, sometimes personalities simply dont mesh well. and noone is to blame.

Unless she is being rude to you, you need to let this go and stop trying to force something to happen. The texts about wanting a chat etc would also make me not want to spend time with you even more. Let this go and just drop it for your sake and hers.

You’re just ranting about random shit I haven’t even said how.
OPs update makes no difference to her behaviour with the gf.
I would absolutely say it to OPs face. If a friend was ranting to me about this message exchange with her BIL’s gf I would be like ‘babe back off! You’re coming across like a stalker, chill out and leave the girl alone there’s nothing to sort’. OPs behaviour is clearly making the girl uncomfortable hence why she doesn’t even want to lock herself into a phone call without knowing what she’s getting into.

Leave me alone and go tell someone else what they can and can’t post.

Just back off. She isn’t interested in being your friend. Just be amicable and invite them to family events and leave it at that. She probably thinks the phone call thing is really weird, I’d be baffled too if I was her.

me and my SIL didn’t really have a relationship for a long time. Friendly and civil to each other but definitely not friends. I was young and childless and just having fun with my boyfriend. Years later we are good friends now but it just happened naturally after a couple of kids and some growing up

my relationship with my other SIL is quite different in that she was very friendly to start with and now we don’t speak at all really, we’re just very different people. Don’t try to force it

She’s not not that into you that’s all. Her you should see my house was one of those idly polite but never intended British invites.

Does other bil/sil have a baby? Could it be she’s just not a child person. Thus she accepts those and mils invites. Or she just gets in better with them. In a room of say 10 people there’s bound to be the 1 person who you would chat the ear off and 1 person who you’d talk to but only because they are not not because you actually have anything in common or such.

Quick question OP - are you in some sort of therapy? Just because of the way you've organised your headings.

If the therapy is suggesting that you process situations or feelings like this, I'd suggest that it's not a great system for a) working out if something IS a problem and b) sharing with someone else.

The fact that your SIL doesn't want to come to your events is not a problem. It's a neutral event entirely within her control, that you have feelings about.

It sounds like you've had an image in your head of what you want your relationship/family to look like and projected it onto her.

She is a person in her own right who also has an image of what her relationship/family should look like.

It's not personal to you, your expectations don't match up, that's all.

Try and step back and stop looking at what you want, and look at what you actually have. You have a nice enough SIL who is pleasant to you when you see her, which is great.

That sounds sad OP. But please try and understand that some people are introverted, and we can say yes to things but when the time comes, really worry about going and work ourselves up. Maybe she says yes to be polite, but then can't go through with it. Or maybe it's not anxiety but she just doesn't want the level of friendship you do. I feel for you but I feel like you're putting a lot of pressure on her to be someone you want her to be but she doesn't want to be. Just back off the requests for say a year, and see what happens. I can't vote because YANBU but neither is she if she has anxiety or something.

I was instantly going to write leave the poor woman alone, but I see lots of others have posted the same 😆

Does she struggle with her mental health? I sometimes make plans then pull out last minute. Even more since lockdown just don't feel up to it. It she's jealous of you having a baby.

your intentions are honourable and you care about the family so dont worry about that.
if you text me and wanted to speak i would probably speak to you to see what you wanted. Some people come across and rude and non caring.

However i wouldnt bother trying anymore? She clearly dosent think the same way as you do.

Leave the poor woman alone.

This

I don't think she doesn't like you because it sounds like she is perfectly amicable and civil to you at family events.

But just because she's your SIL doesn't mean she has to be your friend and come along to things like your birthday.

I have 3 SILS.

SIL1 I am very close to. We were each others MOH and we do hangout as friends outside family gatherings because we have quite a lot in common and are similar age.

SIL2 & SIL3 I like and an amicable with but we are not friends. There is a 10+ year age gap and we have very little common interests. I can't imagine either one of them inviting me on a birthday night out or meal but that's perfectly fine!

Saying you want to meet up but declining to tell her what you want to meet up for is needlessly dramatic. Like something out of a soap.

By your own account, the two of you barely know each other so this clearly can't be about you personally. It's her own stuff and she is entitled to it.

I have 3 SIL - I'm v close to one, socially cordial with the other and haven't set eyes on the other one (outside of a couple of funerals) for years. It's not a big deal. We can't be BFF with someone or even like them just because a relation married them.

Hopefully it is your PND that is making this such a big deal for you. I hope it all feels better soon.